My SO just said we shouldn't move in together. Should I be understanding or is it all

[lollipop]

My SO and I have been going out for about 7 months now, and for the last 2 we've been talking about moving in together, and were planning to do so in mid-late August. However, we've been having major fights recently, and quite often. Our last blow-out was last Saturday, and for the last week he's been really distant and/or hot/cold. His family has also been in town for the last week, and apparently he and his dad have been talking.

 

Today my SO tells me (after I ask) that we shouldn't move in together. He says that the main reason is practicality- he's trying to save to buy a place (he's 32) and he doesn't want to blow money on rent. To me, that doesn't make sense because I would be paying for most, if not all, the difference in renting the new place. He also says that since we've been fighting so much, he doesn't feel like we have a strong enough of a foundation to move in together. He says that he is taking most of the financial risk of moving in together since I can just move back home, while he has to find a whole new place to live. (I do understand this).

 

I should also add that he and his ex lived together for 4 years - and she moved in with him the SECOND month they were dating. He has said before that they wouldn't have lasted so long if they weren't living together, and it should have ended at 2 years. SO, I do undersatnd that he doesn't want to repeat past mistakes, and that he is 32 and needs to be thinking of his future (I'm only 23 so saving for a condo/house isn't that important to me), but I'm also hurt that he doesn't think we should.

 

What do you think? Is he being unreasonable? I'm afraid he's using practicality and money as an excuse for us to break up.

[norajane]

I think he is being practical and reasonable. It makes perfect sense that he is looking at the longer term impact of this decision.

 

The worst time to move in together is if one of you thinks it is a bad idea. He's not breaking up with you; he just doesn't want to move in together, not now.

 

You should give some thought to the big arguments you've been having and consider why you are having those arguments. That is what will break you up in the end if you don't work on improving those differences and improving your communication.

[Trialbyfire]

lollipop, not moving in together is the best idea! This is the anger-management abusive guy, isn't it?

[lollipop]

lollipop, not moving in together is the best idea! This is the anger-management abusive guy, isn't it?

 

Hahaha, yes it is! I had my doubts too, but I guess that is a moot point now. I've heard that living together brings a couple closer, so I was hoping that it would do that for us too.

[norajane]

lollipop, not moving in together is the best idea! This is the anger-management abusive guy, isn't it?

 

Oh jeez! You should NEVER move in with a guy like that!! You shouldn't even date a guy like that.

 

Do you really think there is no one better out there for you?

 

Moving in brings you closer only if you are already close and generally in harmony. Moving in throws you deep into the bowels of hell if you're with an angry, abusive guy.

[lollipop]

Oh jeez! You should NEVER move in with a guy like that!! You shouldn't even date a guy like that.

 

 

Okay, I understand everyone's concern and realize that most of you will think I'm just making excuses for his behaviour but- my boyfriend experienced physical abuse growing up as a child. He was beat up by his dad tons, often for no reason at all. When he gets upset/angry, he completely shuts down, because he doesn't know how to handle his emotions, not having been shown how as a child. And to be perfectly fair, I do shout during arguments as well. What my boyfriend usually responds well to, is a calm and gentle tone. When I do that, instead of screaming in return, he doesn't escalate into scariness.

 

I know none of this is my responsibility, but I really do love him. I guess that I just keep hoping that by me modelling positive behaviour during arguments, he can change his behaviour.

[Trialbyfire]

Is he actively working towards fixing himself, in that he's getting therapy for his abusive behaviour? If not, you know you can't fix him, don't you?

[HYS]

I agree with Norajane that your BF if being a responsible, mature and reasonable adult. I also don't think he is breaking up with you. It's important for a couple to have a good foundation to move in together and move forward in a relationship. How is your BF handling the abuse for his past?? Is he seeing anyone about this??

[mixwell]

My SO and I have been going out for about 7 months now, and for the last 2 we've been talking about moving in together, and were planning to do so in mid-late August. However, we've been having major fights recently, and quite often. Our last blow-out was last Saturday, and for the last week he's been really distant and/or hot/cold. His family has also been in town for the last week, and apparently he and his dad have been talking.

 

Today my SO tells me (after I ask) that we shouldn't move in together. He says that the main reason is practicality- he's trying to save to buy a place (he's 32) and he doesn't want to blow money on rent. To me, that doesn't make sense because I would be paying for most, if not all, the difference in renting the new place. He also says that since we've been fighting so much, he doesn't feel like we have a strong enough of a foundation to move in together. He says that he is taking most of the financial risk of moving in together since I can just move back home, while he has to find a whole new place to live. (I do understand this).

 

I should also add that he and his ex lived together for 4 years - and she moved in with him the SECOND month they were dating. He has said before that they wouldn't have lasted so long if they weren't living together, and it should have ended at 2 years. SO, I do undersatnd that he doesn't want to repeat past mistakes, and that he is 32 and needs to be thinking of his future (I'm only 23 so saving for a condo/house isn't that important to me), but I'm also hurt that he doesn't think we should.

 

What do you think? Is he being unreasonable? I'm afraid he's using practicality and money as an excuse for us to break up.

 

Seriously you've only been together for 7 months and IMO I think thats way too soon to move in. I think the way things have been going he doesn't want to commit to moving in if things are already seeming rocky.. Maybe thats what happened with his ex and he wants to avoid that situation until he knows you two will have a strong bond and be together for a long time ? Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship and maybe he isn't read at this time to make the plunge. I would give it more time and just enjoy what you have for now. Hope all works out well for you !

[Calisto]

The last thing you should do in a troubled relationship is move in together. Since you obviously have issues (I read your last thread), the problems you have will magnify. Apparently he can't handle being around you a lot or he blows up on you. Well, guess what, if you are living with him, he is going to resent your constant presence and it is going to be "blowing up" times a lot more often.

What is the rush to move in? I know you are in love but his behavior is not the behavior of a guy who loves you.

[mixwell]

The last thing you should do in a troubled relationship is move in together. Since you obviously have issues (I read your last thread), the problems you have will magnify. Apparently he can't handle being around you a lot or he blows up on you. Well, guess what, if you are living with him, he is going to resent your constant presence and it is going to be "blowing up" times a lot more often.

What is the rush to move in? I know you are in love but his behavior is not the behavior of a guy who loves you.

 

This reminds me of even when my ex girlfriend would come over my house Friday and stay the whole weekend. I think by Sunday night I was glad she was leaving because after a while we just got on each others nerves more and more haha