Sagan Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I'm curious what other people's opinions and experiences are with this since I can't come to a conclusion myself. I know it depends a lot on who you're talking about, but short of being psychic it's nearly impossible to decide with any certainty whether a once unfaithful person has mended their ways or if they're liable to stray again in the future. I'm sure we've all heard the line "people never change" a million times, but there are also stories of chronic cheaters who settled down and never did it again. If you think they would have been the one this is the real dilemma: Is it better to put up with that uncertainty to be with someone you truly love, or do you search for someone you can truly trust and risk never again finding the same love? If only there were some mathematical formula for this stuff... No need to read this part, but here are my thoughts on the subject: It's easy to forgive but impossible to truly forget. The memory of how it felt when you found out will always linger and their disloyalty will cast a permanent shadow of doubt on your relationship, whether it be conscious or not. It may just be a thought that occasionally pops up, or you may never again think of the specific incident but always be more jealous and suspicious - both of which can lead to anger and resentment. It could also cause you to hold back or not be fully committed for fear that the pain will be greater if it ever happens again. That tiny sliver of uncertainty might always be the one thing hindering your relationship. Worst case scenario? Another opportunity (moment of weakness, if you prefer) arises and they're more brazen because they were forgiven the last time...
Tomcat33 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Trust is a choice and sometimes you need to weigh out the size of the screw up to the size of the foundation that was built in said relationship. Personally I think it boils down to forgiveness and everyone has a different caliber when measuring what they would and could not forgive. Desceit is deceit no matter how you slice it, but not every situation is the same so there is no one size fits all answer for how a person must forgive. Trust can be built again provided you choose to trust again because trust is always a choice, do you need extra help an reassurance in rebuilding trust once it has been broken? you bet you do. And that will determine the level of love and commitment two people have towards each other in terms of how much they are willing to give to regain that trust. In terms of the tiny sliver of uncertainty, I think we should always have a tiny sliver of uncertainty in a relationship because no one can predict a sure bet no matter how good a person's intentions are and how many promises are made you never really know who will betray you. That is not to say you should live your life in fear of being betrayed just in awareness that no one is excempt from it. But if you do decide to forgive someone you must do your best to put a right foot forth to be on the right path of construction, and NOT destruction.
Stockalone Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I agree with Tomcat that trust is a choice. However, in order for me to consider to make that choice, there has to be a foundation. In a case of cheating, there is no longer a foundation, at least not for me. Betrayal can turn ardent love into white-hot hatred.
lollipop Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I would not be able to be with someone again if he cheated on me. I think that if I really really really loved that person, and it was a one-time mistake, I'd want to forgive him, but ultimately it would not last. I just wouldn't be able to forget, and I know I'd continuously bring it up in the future. Also, I'd start to be suspicious if he started to come home late, etc etc.. I definitely wouldn't be able to regain that trust.
Author Sagan Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Hmmm, been reading your posts and other stories on the forum about people who have dealt with cheaters. I'm getting the impression that it's just downright foolish to take the risk and give them another chance... unless you're really not that into the relationship and don't stand to lose much. Seems like most cheaters are habitual and it's very rare that they change. I'm sure there are some interesting psychology articles about the mentality and motivation of people who cheat / issues that cause it... guess I'll have to search for some of those
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