qsmiles70 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Why a male would flirt with an ex after 4 months? Our kids are good friends. Circumstances driving our breakup are changing (one major issue was his ex and I weren't friendly but we're past that now) and we also had a lot of stress when we were dating (about a year) because of divorces we were both in the middle of. They're now both final. But he started dating someone that he's known for over 20 years about 6 weeks ago (I know they have sex and he's going to visit her -- she lives in FL, we live in DC). He's a very faithful guy and not a player at all. The very light flirting he does is cute and juvenile (we're in our late 30s); e.g. he splashed water on my leg from a cooler when we were at his daughter's birthday party and the next day when I asked him if he would pass me my drink from across a table (we were at another kid function), he drank most of it first before he handed it to me. If you are clearly trying to make an exgirlfriend accept that the relationship is over, I don't think you wouldn't flirt in any way and be very straight in your behavior. Up until this, he's been very hard lined and hasn't done anything beyond cordial. Do you think now that the reason we broke up is resolved, he's testing the water? This very light flirting started once I let him know that I had finally accepted he had moved on and I just wanted him to be happy. Maybe he just wants to keep me on the hook because the reality of a long distance relationship is starting to show or what he had built up in his mind as his dream girl from 20 years ago isn't turning out the way he thought it would. He is definitely a want his woman around 24/7 type of guy and he doesn't have that with this new person, so it could be less than the relationship he wants. I know he really loved me. He's said he's loved me in ways that he's never loved anyone else (including his now ex-wife that he was married to 15 years). He said 3 weeks ago I am someone he loved me very much at one time, he still cares, and our breakup still hurts and he thinks that's normal. He also says he thinks it's okay to care about someone while knowing that relationship is over. He says he wasnt to be truthful and clear that we are really over. Sounds pretty clear to me, but that was before I made peace with his ex. He made a point a few weeks ago to make sure I know (he says out of respect for me) that there was a clean break between our ending and him starting to date the person he's seeing now... if he was "done" with me, why would he care that I know it was a clean break? I know he observes that the underlying issues that caused our breakup are resolving (this has happened in the last 1-1/2 weeks) so could he be having second thoughts now or maybe he's just relaxed now and trying to bring some levity back (broaching on us being friends again). He has said many times that we are really over but since the I talked with his ex-wife and she and I made peace with one another (we now do things with their and my kids together), he seems relaxed and his actions towards me seem different -- still guarded, but the flirty behavior started. He also texted me about a stressful situation he knew I was having and asked if I was ok. I also reached out to him as a friend a week ago to get his insight on my "faults" in our relation as they were relevant to an issue I was having with my ex. After that conversation, when I acknowledged to him that I now see our breakup as something we both really needed to bring a lot of issues between us to the surface, he pulled me to him and hugged me very tightly for about 2 minutes. I told him when we were hugging that I just wanted him to be happy and he said thank you. He's now in FL for a week. His parents live there and I assume he's seeing the woman he's dating while he's there. I did all the wrong things after our breakup 4 months ago. I wouldn't let him go and tried to reason with him (argue with him and make him share his part of the breakup) and talk to him about what was wrong with our relationship and how we could fix it. I was intense and pushed him further away no doubt. His response to me seems to be lightening up now that I've accepted he's gone and have really wished him happiness. I've done a lot of thinking about us and worked on myself so I know I was controlling and wasn't letting him be his own person and have what he needed. Now that I see that, do I just leave him alone to let this new relationship run it's course and just see if he starts reaching out to me? That's what I think is the right thing to do -- show him I respect his choice (to be with this other woman) and continue having fun on my own. He's with her this week in FL and has plans for her to come to DC in a few weeks. But I miss him, and I am so tempted to tell him how my perspective has changed and how I now see and am dealing with my control issue. Any advice? Should I leave him alone and wait to see if he tries to contact me? Sorry this was long, but thanks for any thoughts.
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