Shygirl15 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Except your strategy seems entirely concerned with getting a ring on your finger and not at all concerned with building a life. Everything advice like this says is that you're more interested in pushing someone to marry you than finding out if that person is right for you. And, what's wrong with strategizing on getting a ring from someone I love and want to spend the rest my life with? At the end of the day, I do not hold a gun on his head and force him to go down the altar, do I? Some guys need a little prompting in the right direction. I believe the OP knows very well that her boyfriend is right for her, which is why she not interested on temporary arrangements, but rather spend a lifetime with him. I used the same principle, and had 7 good years with my ex-HB until separated by 10,000 miles between us, so don't tell me about being interested in a ring rather than building a life.
riotgrrl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 personally i would never not live with someone before marriage. i dated a guy for just shy of five years before he moved in to my apartment. on our five year anniversary we moved into a house together. 3 weeks later i found out he had been cheating on me for 2 years. needless to say i tried to forgive him but he also became physically abusive. i left him after 6 months of trying to make it work but we still lived together for a few months afterwards. i had to leave because i couldn't take the physical abuse. now i have been in a new relationship for 3 months but since i left 2 weeks ago it is ldr. he has already decided he wants to move down to the state i moved to so we will see. you see the real person when you are with him everyday. i would have never believed my ex was that type of person even though i saw him a lot it wasn't the same as living with him.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 And, what's wrong with strategizing on getting a ring from someone I love and want to spend the rest my life with? At the end of the day, I do not hold a gun on his head and force him to go down the altar, do I? Some guys need a little prompting in the right direction. I believe the OP knows very well that her boyfriend is right for her, which is why she not interested on temporary arrangements, but rather spend a lifetime with him. I used the same principle, and had 7 good years with my ex-HB until separated by 10,000 miles between us, so don't tell me about being interested in a ring rather than building a life. You don't need to "strategize" to get someone to marry you.
mortensorchid Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 There have been several studies done on this subject. We are still not sure why things never work out when people live together, whether or not there will be a marriage, but the sense of commitment does not seem to gel. I wouldn't. I'm a startchy old maid at age 33, but, I stand by my principals.
Shygirl15 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 You don't need to "strategize" to get someone to marry you. I believe I'm the best judge of my situation..
berny72 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 For me is not a good idea! if he loves you and if you love him the best way to show love is with the commitment of marriage! i love my wife very much and we`ve been together for 11 years now and we are very happy, we have 3 beautiful kids and i`m here to give testimony of my happiness! cheers
MalachiX Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 And, what's wrong with strategizing on getting a ring from someone I love and want to spend the rest my life with? What you call strategizing, I call manipulation. If you don't think he's be willing to marry you without you withholding the living-together possibility, then I don't really see how you can think he's your ideal mate. Some guys need a little prompting in the right direction. I've heard women say the same thing and then deliberatly get pregnant to either start a marriage or save one. I'm not saying using the living situation as leverage is the same thing and I REALLY don't want to be desrespectful, but I do believe what you're saying is of a similar mindset. Assuming men need to be manipulated in one way or another for a woman to get want she wants is simply the wrong way of looking at things (at least as far as I'm concerned though I'm certainly no expert). Maybe when you're early in the dating process, a few tricks here and there might be worth it when you're trying to get someone interested enough to take you seriously. If you're approaching the point where you're conscidering spending the rest of your life with someone however and you're still having to fall back on tangling a carrot in front of their nose, I think that is wrong headed. I believe the OP knows very well that her boyfriend is right for her, which is why she not interested on temporary arrangements, but rather spend a lifetime with him. I've heard people who "know" this person is right for them after a few weeks and decided to get married on the spur of the moment. It doesn't last. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're compatible as perminant mates. If he is right for her, then moving in together isn't going to stop them from getting married. If he's not, she has this chance to find it out before they make a REAL commitment that is harder to get out of and is going to cause a lot more pain and anguish if it fails. I've lost track of the number of people, of both sexes, who have told me stories of being absolutely in love with someone and then finding that this person wasn't right for them once they had to live together (or got married). I used the same principle, and had 7 good years with my ex-HB until separated by 10,000 miles between us, so don't tell me about being interested in a ring rather than building a life. Once again, I don't want to be nasty or personal but he's your EX HB. You found something your relationship couldn't survive even though you apparently knew he was right for you. In your case, it was being seperated by 10,000 miles (something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and you have only my sympathy). But, maybe in someone else's case, it might be something as simple as having to share a home with each other. And for that matter, just because you got lucky doesn't mean the OP will. Lots of people have unprotected sex but they all don't get pregnant. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to have unprotected sex if you're not ready for a kid. You were in love with your guy, took the risk of marriage without seeing how you worked together, and thankfully it worked out. Others have been just as much in love with their SO, moved in together/got married, and found that they weren't able to live with each other and weren't able to really make a marriage work. Pretending the risk doesn't exist or is un-important when compared to manipulating a person who supposedly "know" is right for you into a commitment still strikes me as foolish.
MalachiX Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 For me is not a good idea! if he loves you and if you love him the best way to show love is with the commitment of marriage! I have a friend who has loved three girls in his life. Should he have married each one of them? Should he have three divorces on his record?
Lauriebell82 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 To the original poster..I think it's up to you whether or not this is something that you want for yourself. Lots of marriages work out when the couple lives together first..lots of them don't. I think that you can't really go by other's experiences. Living together is hard work and not always easy. I think a good way to know if you are right for someone is to live with them..it's a lot different then dating them. I do think withholding a living arrangement for fear that they won't marry you is not a reason to NOT move in together. Just like Malach said, thats manipulation. I would never want to manipulate someone into marrying me. I think all the threads on here about women who are stuck in cohabitation situations are stuck in there because of their own doing. Pressure and "pushes in the right direction" doesn't make a guy want to marry you more..and if it does then he will come to resent you for it.
blind_otter Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 There have been several studies done on this subject. We are still not sure why things never work out when people live together, whether or not there will be a marriage, but the sense of commitment does not seem to gel. I wouldn't. I'm a startchy old maid at age 33, but, I stand by my principals. I suppose the women in my family are the exception to the rule, then. My mom lived with my Dad prior to marriage. They were together over 35 years before he died. My mom is still faithful to his memory. My two older sisters lived with their high school sweethearts in college. They married after they graduated and are all still together, both of them have been with their husbands for 20 years or more.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I suppose the women in my family are the exception to the rule, then. My mom lived with my Dad prior to marriage. They were together over 35 years before he died. My mom is still faithful to his memory. My two older sisters lived with their high school sweethearts in college. They married after they graduated and are all still together, both of them have been with their husbands for 20 years or more. Aww that's awesome. And it's funny because I know a couple who didn't live together before they got married and they got divorced after a year of marriage.
stillafool Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Why is it that all these comments sound like you're "trapping" the guy into marrying you? Honestly, havn't we moved forward as a society since the days when we'd here "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" It just seems like the whole mind-set is really messed up. So many on this thread seem so much more concerned with getting the ring on their finger or landing a husband then they are with how life will be after marriage. We're not living in the 50s anymore. There are plenty of guys who will want to marry you. When you find the one, you don't want to blackmail him into making the commitment. You want to make sure that you guys will be happy for the rest of your life before you commit the rest of your life. I agree! If you love the guy and want to spend time with him then move in together. Why does it always have to be about "catching a husband", "the cow, the milk... who cares? Just be in love and be together.
stillafool Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 BTW, my husband and I lived together for 3 years before we married. We have been married 16 years and going strong.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I agree! If you love the guy and want to spend time with him then move in together. Why does it always have to be about "catching a husband", "the cow, the milk... who cares? Just be in love and be together. I hate that cow quote, it's rediculous. I absolulely love living with my boyfriend..and do we have a wedding date or anything..NOPE! We moved in together because we love each other and want to be together. I think in this day in age as well, you could blame just about anything on a divorce. So I think the stats on living together and the divorce rates are B.S.
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