soulseeker Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If your gf told you she did not want to live with you while dating, would this have any negative impact on your possible desire to marry her?
Calisto Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Not a guy, but she sounds like a very smart girl. she's not going to be one of those women who moves in and then a year later she is still living with him and he is pulling the 'I'm not ready to get married' routine we see so much of.
carhill Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If your gf told you she did not want to live with you while dating, would this have any negative impact on your possible desire to marry her? No. I actually prefer this, in marked contravention to conventional LS wisdom. In the 18 months prior to getting married, my wife and I maintained separate residences about an hour apart (by car). We managed
Author soulseeker Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I am leaning towards not living together, for many reasons. But I am not 100% sure why. I can still argue for and against both sides. I guess the big ones against are becoming that woman who never marries the man, and I just dont think the dynamic is the same. However, I do see how it could be beneficial as well. Argh!
lovestruck818 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If your gf told you she did not want to live with you while dating, would this have any negative impact on your possible desire to marry her? I think not living together makes someone want to marry someone more...there's more of an incentive to get married that way.
AriaIncognito Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I dated a guy for a total of 4 years and lived with him for 3 of those years. On one hand, living together gives you a pretty accurate depiction of what life will be like and how you will work with eachother and whatnot. It's good in that sense. On the other hand, you can get stuck in a rut since you are already living the life of a married couple, and end up never getting married, which is what happened in my case. We ended up breaking up and he married the girl he found a month after we split. I dont know if they lived together before getting married, but I dont think they did. So, there are pros and cons. Personally, I don't think I'll do it again unless there's a date set for a wedding. Even then, there would have to be a good reason. I'm all for maintaining my own residence until I'm married. I don't want to be homeless again, so to speak (as it was his house).
Sagan Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 It could depend on your relationship and how close you originally lived, but personally I would never marry a girl unless we lived together for at least a few months first. I saw plenty of friends torn apart because they became roommates in college -- a lot of people actually warned me not to live with my best friend in college but it turned out alright -- so it definitely has the potential to ruin a relationship...
HYS Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I lived with my BF and it was probably what lead to our break up. I had the expectation of marriage and he didn't. I will probably never do it again unless I had a wedding date set.
Carmen87 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I think moving in together should be held off until an engagement at least.
Author soulseeker Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Engagement. Yeah, that is what I am thinking. I really just dont see the point in living together prior. I mean, we talk about everything, expectations included. I do see the state of his house on a regular basis, so I know what his baseline is. He has lived alone for over a decade, so he's got the taking care of things part covered. He KNOWS I have no interest in being the cook/cleaning lady, that I will not suddenly be doing his chores, and that I want an equitable relationship. I just need to be patient. Thanks side note: it has recently become clear that he considers marriage for us a good possibility...but still.
refurb Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 For me personally, if a woman is good enough to live with, she's good enough to marry. I've never understood people who move in together after a few months of dating. Sure it works out occasionally, but when it goes bad, it's much worse than if you weren't living together. To each his own I guess. RF
carhill Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I've never understood people who move in together after a few months of dating. It's usually because someone gets a break on living expenses, or desires to
MalachiX Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. However, rushing to move in can be a huge mistake. I think that when you move in with someone, you should agree with what you're both looking to get out of it. Don't have one person want to move in just to save money while the other thinks this is a trial run for a life together. Being clear about your expectations should be paramount. I really do think that it's foolish to dismiss the idea of living together first out of hand. It just seems you're setting yourself up for failure if you want to get married but are too scared to see if you really work while living together.
lexi29 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I would say its a smart move. In many cases it would actually make the guy want to marry you more. I lived with my ex and we moved in together after only a year. It does let you get to know the other person better as they cant' really hide any of their flaws while you are living together. But he already had it made with me living with him so he had no reason to want to move forward. We basically became stuck- I wanted to move forward and he was perfectly happy with the way things were. I left him because I wanted more and he said he did but didn't take the next step. My current fiance and I had the talk about moving in together. He wanted me to move in with him and his son. He has lived with several gfs in the past. I told him I would not live with him until we at least got engaged. He thought it was better to live together (to try out the situation) before getting engaged. Well we got engaged a few months after that talk. And I still don't live with him yet but we are looking for a place together. We are getting married in Sept. Another ex of mine and I lived together. We got engaged before moving in together (we were still in college) and I only lived with him for about eight months. In that case, if I would have lived with him BEFORe getting engaged I probably never would have accepted his proposal. Just found out a lot of little things I coudn't handle about him that he was able to hide when we didnt' live together. So its a personal choice but if something were to happen between my fiance and I had to do it over again in the future, I would not move in with someone unless we were engaged.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. However, rushing to move in can be a huge mistake. I think that when you move in with someone, you should agree with what you're both looking to get out of it. Don't have one person want to move in just to save money while the other thinks this is a trial run for a life together. Being clear about your expectations should be paramount. I really do think that it's foolish to dismiss the idea of living together first out of hand. It just seems you're setting yourself up for failure if you want to get married but are too scared to see if you really work while living together. I agree with this. Not all couples who move in together are looking for different things (the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" crap). I do think that your expectations have to match if you want it to work out. I agree as well that it is important to live together before marriage..not because of testing the waters or whatever, but it gives you an idea of what the person is like, how they handle finances, ect. If I hadn't have lived with my ex bf before marriage I would have probably ended up divorced because he couldn't hand money or finances well. Thank god I didn't marry him..and I learned that about him from living with him. I think it's different for every couple, and you must do what is right for both of you, not what anyone else thinks.
Shygirl15 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 My ex-husband moved in with almost all of his past girlfriends and he never got to marry any of them. I, on the other hand, did not move in with him, and it was because my parents did not want me to (I personally wanted to). He married me within 8 months of dating, and we stayed together for 7 years. It tends to work out for the best, in most cases..
MalachiX Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I would say its a smart move. In many cases it would actually make the guy want to marry you more. Why is it that all these comments sound like you're "trapping" the guy into marrying you? Honestly, havn't we moved forward as a society since the days when we'd here "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" It just seems like the whole mind-set is really messed up. So many on this thread seem so much more concerned with getting the ring on their finger or landing a husband then they are with how life will be after marriage. We're not living in the 50s anymore. There are plenty of guys who will want to marry you. When you find the one, you don't want to blackmail him into making the commitment. You want to make sure that you guys will be happy for the rest of your life before you commit the rest of your life.
blind_otter Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Personally I would never marry someone I hadn't lived with first. Say what you want to about full disclosure and talking things out, there are certain issues that some people don't even think about discussing prior to marriage - depending on the people - and then they get the big surprise after they've already made a financial, emotional, and very public committment to their partner. And IME, there are other issues that it doesn't matter whether you talk it out or not, you need to observe actions to get a real clear picture. Then again, I'm the least marriage-minded person on this thread, so I doubt my opinion counts for much. I find the whole issue of "making" a guy marry me pretty odious and repellant.
Shygirl15 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Why is it that all these comments sound like you're "trapping" the guy into marrying you? Honestly, havn't we moved forward as a society since the days when we'd here "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" It just seems like the whole mind-set is really messed up. So many on this thread seem so much more concerned with getting the ring on their finger or landing a husband then they are with how life will be after marriage. We're not living in the 50s anymore. There are plenty of guys who will want to marry you. When you find the one, you don't want to blackmail him into making the commitment. You want to make sure that you guys will be happy for the rest of your life before you commit the rest of your life. It's always good to have a strategy in place, in order to get things done, the way you want them done.. I don't see any harm in that.
carhill Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 What is it they say about death and taxes? Right, the two sure things in life. Everything else is variable and uncertain. Other than the aforementioned, the thing one can be certain about is uncertainty, which is especially true in relationships, regardless of how long one has known someone, lived with someone, been married to someone....
blind_otter Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 What is it they say about death and taxes? Right, the two sure things in life. Everything else is variable and uncertain. Other than the aforementioned, the thing one can be certain about is uncertainty, which is especially true in relationships, regardless of how long one has known someone, lived with someone, been married to someone.... that logic could be used to excuse some pretty overtly stupid behavior, I have to say.
MalachiX Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 It's always good to have a strategy in place, in order to get things done, the way you want them done.. I don't see any harm in that. Except your strategy seems entirely concerned with getting a ring on your finger and not at all concerned with building a life. Everything advice like this says is that you're more interested in pushing someone to marry you than finding out if that person is right for you.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Except your strategy seems entirely concerned with getting a ring on your finger and not at all concerned with building a life. Everything advice like this says is that you're more interested in pushing someone to marry you than finding out if that person is right for you. Very well put. I think so many on this forum are so concerned about moving in with their bf's because they think they wont get a ring that way. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and he said he lived with an ex gf and all she talked about was marriage. My friend said he wanted to marry her, but he wanted to live together and see what life was like with her on a everday basis. He said that if she hadn't have pushed so much and pressured him, he would have proposed after months of moving in together. I recently moved in with my boyfriend and it is so far very wonderful. We get along great. Have I thought about marriage, yes. But when the time for him to propose is right, then he will. I can say that if I was pushing for marriage and pressuring him right now, I guarantee we wouldn't be as happy as we are right now.
carhill Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 that logic could be used to excuse some pretty overtly stupid behavior, I have to say. Only if you see life as a chain of excuses. I prefer to see reasons and possibilities. That comes from a lifetime of responsible choices
Geishawhelk Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Actually, there is a growing trend for people even in a marriage to keep living apart... especially if they are of a more mature age, and already have a home from a previous relationship, or just because they'v ebeen used to living alone.... having had some independence for some time, they're both happy to continue the trend, and enjoy a mutually agreeable separation of living quarters. FWIW, my partner and I don't actually sleep in the same room.... Bless his cottons, he snores like a road drill, and moves around so much, he might be wrestling wih a bull-elephant. He suffers from sleep apnoea. But neither of us see why we should both suffer... We both get a much better night's sleep on our own. I can honestly say, hand on heart, our relationship hasn't been any the worse for it. On the contrary.....
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