Author CallMeCrazy Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I'm actually going to be 29 in just a few weeks so I'd like to think I do know better... and for what it is worth we both considered ourselves to be in a "committed" relationship. However, to me, that all changed when he went back home to his wife the 2nd time... I should note that during this time (about 6-7 wks) we were still meeting as much as we could and having sex. He was reassuring me that while he was sleeping in the same bed as his wife, he was NOT having sex with her... He was going back for their children, whom he felt he was "losing". However, what ended up tearing me apart was catching him in other lies and inconsistencies.... (wearing a new wedding band, catching him texting the W "I love you") These events lead to my communication with another person and eventually sleeping with him on two occaisions. I see that my behavior was clearly unhealthy... In an ideal world I would have told my MM that until he finalized the divorce with his W I was unavailable and could possibly date someone else. The point where we are now is that we both still love each other. I KNOW it doesn't sound sane... but I do completely and totally love him. But now, HE keeps saying I did the one thing that was unforgiveable. I could have done anything but that. He questions my character and how I could have done such a thing ~ and slept with someone so quickly. I know it's that he doesn't want to be hurt and is walling himself off to me. He is so angry and mad he wants to hate me but deep down he can't. Now he is tormented constantly and we will be getting along great and then he gets quiet and starts saying, how could you f*ck him. You did it over and over... I don't know if I should admit this ~ but for me, just because I can f*ck someone doesn't mean I care about them. That's definitely not a habit I have been in or want to be in.... I value the relationship as a whole, the feelings, the commitments, etc. which turn f*cking into making love which is entirely different. I've only made love with two people in my life.... but I've sex many more times than that. Making love is something that no one can ever take from me. MM had that and still has that ~ he has a part of me, the REAL me, that I've really truly only shown two people in my entire life ~ and he is one of them. He says that I gave away a piece of me that was his.... yes I did sleep with someone, but no one will ever be able to take the part of me that he has.... He has my heart, my mind and my soul. Those things are SO MUCH more than the physical. We went to a therapist yesterday.... and believe it or not she had very little simpathy for me. Today I'm just mulling all of this over and trying to figure out if it really is me with all the problems?
GreenEyedLady Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Honey, your boyfriend is MARRIED. He is sleeping in the same bed as his WIFE. That gives you a free pass to do whatever you want. You honestly don't owe him any loyalty. It's your choice to give it to him. I'd tell him to stop being a crybaby. Life isn't Burger King. He can't have it his way all the time. It's all about him doing A and you doing B. He leaves and divorces=A. You are with only him=B. If he can't do that, then he needs to dry his tears and suck it up. If you didn't get anything from your therapy session, change therapists. It doesn't sound like you're getting much from this R right now, except alot of extra baggage. Take yourself back. You deserve more than he's giving you. GEL
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 He questions my character and how I could have done such a thing ~ and slept with someone so quickly. Coming from the man who cheats on his wife...I hope you laughed in his face when he said that. Unbelievable! He says that I gave away a piece of me that was his You were never really "his" because he already had a wife while with you. Bottomline - Your MM is making YOU into the bad guy, blaming YOU for ruining everything. That's the biggest load of crap!
Lookingforward Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Coming from the man who cheats on his wife...I hope you laughed in his face when he said that. Unbelievable! You were never really "his" because he already had a wife while with you. Bottomline - Your MM is making YOU into the bad guy, blaming YOU for ruining everything. That's the biggest load of crap! yup - this whole situation is so effed up it's unbelievable......
Owl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 It sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to end the affair.
Lookingforward Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 It sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to end the affair. yes and make crazy feel as S****y as possible while doing it - what a prize he is
Owl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I don't think he cares one way or another how he's making her feel...this doesn't appear to be about what SHE feels...for him at least.
Lookingforward Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I don't think he cares one way or another how he's making her feel...this doesn't appear to be about what SHE feels...for him at least. You're right and Crazy needs to take a step back and a deep breath and re-read what she's posted HE has said to her and see how he is trying to make it all her fault....... she owes him ZIP, nada, zilch - he's the one that's M, she is free to see and kiss or whatever whomsoever she chooses....... She destroyed HIS trust in her ? ROFLMAO - while HE is sleeping in the marital bed........... as I said "what a prize he is"
SerenityX2 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have always struggled to understand this. If (as some married people claim here, for example) their real lives/marriages/relationships are so peachy-keen, why are they spending so much time on LS?? I know I wouldn't be posting nearly so much here if I was happily in a relationship right now. Most of my time and focus would be invested in him, doing things with him. Posting on LS is definitely a solitary activity! But I'm not other people... and I'm definitely not married!! So I really don't know. ABSOLUTELY! I completely agree. Right now for me, I stop by now and then while I need to decompress from school, however when I'm on my husband is still at work. When he's home we're together...I'm never on here then. As of today, I'm on a 6 week break, so who knows if I'll pop by or not. Could be a little more, could be less (I need the computer for school so I'm on it anyway) You won't find me on here all hours of the night. I'll admit it's a weird forum to choose ...but I feel compelled to try to help, b/c I don't like to see people miserable. However I learned something going through one of my rotations. That some people have to baby step their way out of situations, and they have to make those realizations themselves. And it seems that the majority of people just want like minded reassurances not things to rock their boat, so trust me, I'm pondering if there's really good that comes out of it for me. I feel that WWIU and Owl have tremendous insight and a truly therapeutic way to possibly reach people...it shows. Also, I know Owl is, and I think WWIU is married and even though they're here quite a bit, I don't doubt or think "well they must have a miserable marriage" ...For them, it comes across as they may need the computer for their work...so they can pop by frequently because of it..but they are MUCH needed, I seriously can't imagine LS w/o them though I'm sure some may disagree, but they're probably the people that would rather suscribe to "misery loves company" anyway that's my perspective. I think the reasons that people come here are vast...I think there are lurkers even more so, with possibly more vast reasons. I don't think being miserable is a prerequisite to have a ticket for this forum. So I think that's completely wrong to render someone disingenous or assume they "really" must be miserable. You raise an excellent point though, that I've wondered myself...with a bit of a twist,about the so-called "happy" OW. Why are they here so much if they're so darn happy?! So although you could agree with the stand that truly happy OW, since they're happy and living life, don't need LS and that very well may be true for "some." On the flip side you may have "some" OW posting here that are happy, who just have more time on their hands or their SO has a more erratic work schedule. Who really knows? I'm sure people's reasons are as different as they are.
silktricks Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have always struggled to understand this. If (as some married people claim here, for example) their real lives/marriages/relationships are so peachy-keen, why are they spending so much time on LS?? I know I wouldn't be posting nearly so much here if I was happily in a relationship right now. Most of my time and focus would be invested in him, doing things with him. Posting on LS is definitely a solitary activity! But I'm not other people... and I'm definitely not married!! So I really don't know. It's an addiction And it helped me get through a pretty bad patch in my life. So, if I can give back a little - usually when I'm at work and in front of a computer anyway..... :laugh:
Owl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 It's an addiction And it helped me get through a pretty bad patch in my life. So, if I can give back a little - usually when I'm at work and in front of a computer anyway..... Egg Zachary! That's exactly me on all counts as well ...because of it..but they are MUCH needed, I seriously can't imagine LS w/o them though I'm sure some may disagree... Thanks Serenity. There are several people around here that I think would love to see my computer blow up, so its nice to hear that my posts are appreciated by some as well. There are a number of good posters around here that are capable of great insight and compassion. And WWIU is one one of them...I remember when she first came here and made the mistake of calling me wise... she won't live that down for a while!
bentnotbroken Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm actually going to be 29 in just a few weeks so I'd like to think I do know better... and for what it is worth we both considered ourselves to be in a "committed" relationship. However, to me, that all changed when he went back home to his wife the 2nd time... I should note that during this time (about 6-7 wks) we were still meeting as much as we could and having sex. He was reassuring me that while he was sleeping in the same bed as his wife, he was NOT having sex with her... He was going back for their children, whom he felt he was "losing". However, what ended up tearing me apart was catching him in other lies and inconsistencies.... (wearing a new wedding band, catching him texting the W "I love you") These events lead to my communication with another person and eventually sleeping with him on two occaisions. I see that my behavior was clearly unhealthy... In an ideal world I would have told my MM that until he finalized the divorce with his W I was unavailable and could possibly date someone else. The point where we are now is that we both still love each other. I KNOW it doesn't sound sane... but I do completely and totally love him. But now, HE keeps saying I did the one thing that was unforgiveable. I could have done anything but that. He questions my character and how I could have done such a thing ~ and slept with someone so quickly. I know it's that he doesn't want to be hurt and is walling himself off to me. He is so angry and mad he wants to hate me but deep down he can't. Now he is tormented constantly and we will be getting along great and then he gets quiet and starts saying, how could you f*ck him. You did it over and over... I don't know if I should admit this ~ but for me, just because I can f*ck someone doesn't mean I care about them. That's definitely not a habit I have been in or want to be in.... I value the relationship as a whole, the feelings, the commitments, etc. which turn f*cking into making love which is entirely different. I've only made love with two people in my life.... but I've sex many more times than that. Making love is something that no one can ever take from me. MM had that and still has that ~ he has a part of me, the REAL me, that I've really truly only shown two people in my entire life ~ and he is one of them. He says that I gave away a piece of me that was his.... yes I did sleep with someone, but no one will ever be able to take the part of me that he has.... He has my heart, my mind and my soul. Those things are SO MUCH more than the physical. We went to a therapist yesterday.... and believe it or not she had very little simpathy for me. Today I'm just mulling all of this over and trying to figure out if it really is me with all the problems? Why would you expect a therapist to have sympathy for you? I don't understand why you need sympathy. He is an @$$ and you are want him. You take all that entails or leave.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 The point where we are now is that we both still love each other. I KNOW it doesn't sound sane... but I do completely and totally love him. I'm sorry but it is plain as the sky to everyone else here that he does NOT love you, at least not the way you deserve to be loved which is unconditionally and exclusively. I think the sooner that you realize that, the better. Maybe that's why your therapist has little sympathy for you-- you are choosing to believe something that is just not true. Good luck but until you realize he doesn't love you the right way, there isn't much we can do to help... Real love is not self-seeking.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 it helped me get through a pretty bad patch in my life. So, if I can give back a little - usually when I'm at work and in front of a computer anyway..... :laugh: Ditto for me. And Owl and WWIU are two that definitely helped me when I first came here.
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I feel that WWIU and Owl have tremendous insight and a truly therapeutic way to possibly reach people...it shows. Also, I know Owl is, and I think WWIU is married and even though they're here quite a bit, I don't doubt or think "well they must have a miserable marriage" Thanks for the compliment S. He works ALOT and sometimes it's crazy shifts,late nights or double shifts so LS keeps me company. We went to a therapist yesterday.... I'm not sure I understand, you and the MM are doing therapy together?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Why is the OP even dealing with this guy, he sounds like a scumbag. What makes her think that when she becomes, IF she becomes his girlfriend he wont cheat on her in the long run. If he's in the bed with his wife, odds are he's still sleeping with her. hands down. Is she that naive to believe he's not?
pythonshoes Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I don't really understand the first sentence of the last paragraph. So I am going to assume that "or" is supposed to be "are". That being said..... An A is not a normal R. It is a parasitical R. It takes the nourishment from the main or supposed to be primary R. Lots of Rs can be parasitical in nature too, not just As. But As by nature are parasites. Not saying the people in them are parasites, just the relationship to the host R that is being imposed upon. My question could read: why want the good relationship type to turn into the bad relationship type (if we assume that M is bad, A is good)? being imposed upon isnt the same as latching on to something or someone rather such as a parasite would do.what your saying is that the OW&MM relationship needs the failing BS's marrage in order to survive. what ever lets you sleep at night lady
lolobear Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 How ironic that the cheater is accusing you of cheating and not being able to trust you. he didn't leave his wife for you, and unless he was willing to give you what he expected from you, then he shouldn't be so upset that you were with someone else. he's married for God's sake, i can't believe he's angry.
White Flower Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 How ironic that the cheater is accusing you of cheating and not being able to trust you. he didn't leave his wife for you, and unless he was willing to give you what he expected from you, then he shouldn't be so upset that you were with someone else. he's married for God's sake, i can't believe he's angry. Maybe he is a serial cheater and wants all his women to be faithful to him and only him? Who knows the mind of a pathological egotist? CMC, not saying this is your guy for sure.
lala13 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 you didn't cheat on him as much as he didn't cheat on you. at the end of the day, you two didn't have an exclusive relationship since he was actually MARRIED. you were free to do as you please. i hope you find your peace. it sounds like this new "thing" may be just what you needed to get out of that toxic affair... i wish you luck.
Lizzie60 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I always find this hilarious when a MM expects his OW to be faithful... how ironic.. My current MMs know I will NOT be faithful.. the one from work keeps asking me if I am having sex with other guys.. I am not telling him everything.. (as he has no idea) but I told him the 'flings' I had while on vacations.. every time... I know he doesn't like it.. but hey.. who cares, I am single.. I will never wait for a MM ever again.. I did once, with my first ex.. 11 years ... I was patient.. no more.. If he's not happy... too bad, so sad.
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