CallMeCrazy Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 So just when I thought my "relationship" couldn't get any more complicated... You may remember me ~ it's been a few months since I"ve had the courage to come back... I've been dating MM for a little over a year. We also work together. I'm 28 and he is 42. On December 31 he told his W about me, he moved out of his house and into an apartment. From Jan - end of April he ended up going back to his W two times, staying for 2 weeks and then about 6-7 weeks. During this period, I was obviously traumatized and at probably the lowest point of my relationship/life. I have never loved someone like I love him.... When he went back the 2nd time, he was telling me he wanted to be with me and that he was only going back home for his two children.... that he was not having sex with his W. I believed this ~ however, I started catching him in lies. Little things, like catching him texting his W "I love you"... he was wearing a new wedding ring (which he promised he wouldn't do), and just various other little lies that made me doubt his promises to me of only going back for their children until he could figure out how to handle things... He said he was waiting her out ~ trying to force her to leave him by not having sex with her. He couldn't bare the thought of filing for divorce after he had hurt her so much, he wanted her to do it.... Again.... I wanted to believe this sooo badly, but each day that passed, I would weigh everything and try to understand... That is very hard to understand. Finally, what happened in my opinion, was I BROKE. One can only endure so much pain and heartache. After a year of promises and lies, part of me began to die. I couldn't sleep, I lost weight, I was a WRECK. One day, I was approached by a man in building and we started e-mailing. It was friendly and innocent. We work in the same field and had a lot in common. It was refreshing to be talking to someone NORMAL and who was't hiding their phone and rushing back home to another woman. (keep in mind this is during the second period of MM going home to his wife, sleeping in their bed, but "not having sex"). After meeting with this man 3 times, none of which were inappropriate in any way, we went out a 4th time. This time we ended up drinking too much and having sex. Not just once, a couple times. I also went out with him one more time a week later and we had sex again. I felt terrible out this, GUILTY and just plain bad overall. I knew that it could mean the end of my relationship with MM, however ~ part of me didn't feel so bad. I have been SO HURT by him, and he was with his WIFE!!! Well..... fast forward to end of April and MM caught me red-handed the 2nd time I had spent the night with this other guy. I lied about it at first, because deep down, I wanted our R to work... But, I ended up telling him everything. It was awful, but freeing, and I didn't know what was going to happen. Literally a few days later his W filed for divorce. He is now living in an apartment away from her and everything is really happening. All the things we had talked about and planned for are happening and he swears up and down that he has not had sex with his wife since the end of December. We are TRYING to work through all this, (it's been a little over a month) but now he keeps tell me how I cheated on him and I ruined everything and he isn't sure he can get over it. He is soooo angry and he says he doesn't trust ME! I'm SICK over all of this. It's not what I wanted.... but I feel like he pushed me to the point of such sorrow that I made some bad decisions. Ordinarily I would say ~ heck yeah, if they cheated on you ~ it's over. However, I feel that given our situation, and the complexities of it ~ HE should be able to see how his actions lead to this. My thought is that IF he truly loves me, he would say ~ honey, I am so hurt and sad, but I SEE how my actions lead you to this. I love you and I am committed to making us work. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did I CHEAT on him? Someone who was married to another woman? We told each other that we were committed to each other, but then he went BACK! He promised he was not having sex with her, but he was sleeping in her bed and going home to her every night for weeks and weeks...... I had no clue what was really going on. It drove me crazy.... I would lay in my bed every night SICK over it. What do you think....???? I love him and I am not ready to give up on our relationship. We finally have a real chance, but now he is blaming me and making me feel like crap and like I'M THE CHEATER.
bentnotbroken Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 His actions didn't lead you to have sex with the other guy, you did that all on your own. You couldn't have walked away from that situation at anytime, you didn't. I refuse to call it cheating, since he was married to someone else and I must say I am glad he got a dose of his own medicine. As far a trust goes, neither of you show much aptitude in that area, so you sound perfect for each other. He is hurt, that is too funny. Now you know exactly how his wife felt, when he blamed her for his cheating. Whether it was they had drifted apart, no sex or whatever juvenile reason it was. No adult can make another do something that isn't in their nature. You chose to sleep with the other guy more than once of your own free will, just like you chose to sleep with someone else's H of your own free will. I don't know you, but your choices show a certain immaturity in dealing with life choices properly. Maybe you should step away and figure out what your standards of conduct are and what you are willing to settle for in life. He is a real piece of work, he is angry and he can't trust you:lmao::lmao:he is reaping what he has sown and he doesn't like it, poor little man.
SerenityX2 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 So now you've shown that you both have a pattern of fixing what's broke inside each of you by running to other people to fill the void...This is a character flaw on both your parts that needs fixed. I hope maybe now you see that his cheating probably had little to do with what he said about his M and more to do with his character. When the going gets tough...he avoids and sneaks around. Instead of you stepping up to the plate and telling him, what he's doing isn't good enough you're done...you go and sneak around...That's not a good dynamic. You really need to walk away and figure out why you have such low self esteem that propels you to self destructive behavior. If you had high regard for yourself, you would have walked away when MM was treating you like crap, and you wouldn't have fooled yourself that drunken sex is going to make you happy. Naturally your MM is going to think he can't trust you since you slept with this other guy so quickly...You have to take responsibility for your actions, no one makes someone DO anything they don't want... however it is very funny that he's upset. If you stay with him, don't be surprised if down the road it falls apart. When times get tough,and life can be tough you'll each go back to finding other people to lick your wounds. You can't build a healthy r'ship with defective materials i.e. lies, cheating, sneaking...it's like building that house with rusty nails, and broken boards. You need a good foundation and you don't have one. Neither of you is respecting the other, and that's a huge underpinning for a successful r'ship. BNB is correct when she calls your immaturity to attention. and with your comment "if he really loved me..." He's never loved anyone but himself, contrary to what he's ever told you, that much is quite clear. sorry if it's harsh, but from previous posts ...you really need to wake up from this dream that you think you'll have with him, work on yourself so you can be at peace with yourself. Right now you will only attract more toxicity/drama into your life. That's also obvioius from your actions. I hope you find the strength to walk away.
81West Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 You sleeping with somebody else absolutely is a by product of the uncertainty of your situation, and he would be wise to realize that. However, the fact that you chose to lie about it indicates that on some level it was a violation of whatever implicit 'agreement' you had with the MM. I think that lie is perhaps the bigger thing you need to atone for. It's an opportunity for both of you to step back and realize that the expectations on both sides weren't reasonable given all the upheaval, and start fresh from where you are now.
Screwedover Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I think you two need to get married asap. You sound perfect for each other.
norajane Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I agree that neither of you seem ready to be in a committed relationship. Regardless whether you consider it cheating or not, the MM clearly does. And if the other man you were with didn't know you were already in a relationship with MM, then he might consider that you cheated on HIM. Basically, this isn't what people do when they are in a healthy relationship, and they are healthy themselves. Big red flag that you may not be happy with the MM even if you two do end up together after his divorce. Big red flag that you aren't emotionally healthy enough to give of yourself...to MM or to this other man. Maybe you should step back and stop seeing anyone - be on your own and do some serious thinking about what's important to you and what kind of person you want to be and what kind of people you want to allow into your life. Let MM deal with his divorce on his own - you need to think about whether you actually love him, or if you are just invested in getting him because of all the time you've wanted to have him to yourself and couldn't. The fact that you really like this other man and don't feel guilty about betraying the MM's trust in you, should tell you that your feelings for MM may not be all that you think they are.
NoIDidn't Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My impression is that he kept going back to his W because he wasn't certain of staying with you. Now that you have slept with another man and initially lied about it, he's got his answer in his mind. Funny thing is, he's now getting a taste of his own medicine. And boy is it ....bitter.
bentnotbroken Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My impression is that he kept going back to his W because he wasn't certain of staying with you. Now that you have slept with another man and initially lied about it, he's got his answer in his mind. Funny thing is, he's now getting a taste of his own medicine. And boy is it ....bitter. I'd love to see the look on his face when he had to swallow that bitter pill.
OpenBook Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Crazy, if I were you, I would keep dating the other guy. In spite of yourself, you fell into a healthy, normal relationship!! Your MM realizes that the power and control he thought he enjoyed over you was a pipe dream. It's clear that he doesn't control you or your life. But he's trying to, with his "I can't trust you" song & dance. Let him sing away - by himself. Nobody has control over you but YOU. Tell your MM you've had enough of the wishy-washy back & forth with him, you're totally burned-out from it, you don't answer to him, and you're going to see whomever you please. It's about time you started calling your own shots.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Everyone has given you really good advice.. (keep in mind this is during the second period of MM going home to his wife, sleeping in their bed, but "not having sex"). That's a lie because he was texting her I love you and wearing a new wedding ring. This guy is a complete dork and I agree with OB, continue with the other guy and just take it slow. Try to detach from the MM, exclude him bit by bit daily and don't rely on him for anything.
bish Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 After meeting with this man 3 times, none of which were inappropriate in any way, we went out a 4th time. This time we ended up drinking too much and having sex. Not just once, a couple times. I also went out with him one more time a week later and we had sex again. I felt terrible out this, GUILTY and just plain bad overall. Ok, what I don't get is....you didn't feel guilty about screwing someone elses husband, or that your MM is a cheater...but you feel bad about, what you "perceive" as cheating on a cheating MM with an available man? He is available right? I knew that it could mean the end of my relationship with MM Good...because you need to end it with the married man. What is so wrong about possibly starting something with this other guy? Or is he married too? however ~ part of me didn't feel so bad. I have been SO HURT by him, and he was with his WIFE!!! Well you shouldn't feel bad, however, its funny that you are hurt by this seeing as how you were an accomplice to the pain of his wife. Well..... fast forward to end of April and MM caught me red-handed the 2nd time I had spent the night with this other guy. I lied about it at first, because deep down, I wanted our R to work... But, I ended up telling him everything. It was awful, but freeing, and I didn't know what was going to happen. Literally a few days later his W filed for divorce. Good for her. She'll be much happier not married to such a bastard. He is now living in an apartment away from her and everything is really happening. All the things we had talked about and planned for are happening and he swears up and down that he has not had sex with his wife since the end of December. We are TRYING to work through all this, (it's been a little over a month) but now he keeps tell me how I cheated on him and I ruined everything and he isn't sure he can get over it. He is soooo angry and he says he doesn't trust ME! LOL..oh thats rich. He doesn't trust you, yet he is a cheater himself. Thats a good one. What a hypocrite. I'm SICK over all of this. It's not what I wanted.... but I feel like he pushed me to the point of such sorrow that I made some bad decisions. Uh, he was married when you hooked up with him...that should have told you plenty right there. But you probably didn't care I realize. Ordinarily I would say ~ heck yeah, if they cheated on you ~ it's over. However, I feel that given our situation, and the complexities of it ~ HE should be able to see how his actions lead to this. You both should be able to see it. He is a cheater, you should have known...and you are someone that slept with another woman's husband....he should have seen that. My thought is that IF he truly loves me, he would say ~ honey, I am so hurt and sad, but I SEE how my actions lead you to this. I love you and I am committed to making us work. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did I CHEAT on him? No. You are not committed to him. But he cheated on his wife and you obliged him. Someone who was married to another woman? What is your point here? You slept with him regardless of the fact he had a wife. What do you think....???? I think you should both part ways and quit whining about each other. You should have known better in the first place. I love him and I am not ready to give up on our relationship. We finally have a real chance, but now he is blaming me and making me feel like crap and like I'M THE CHEATER. I hope you two get together. You'll be saving two other people.
GPFan Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 WHAT DO YOU THINK? Did I CHEAT on him? Someone who was married to another woman? We told each other that we were committed to each other, but then he went BACK! He promised he was not having sex with her, but he was sleeping in her bed and going home to her every night for weeks and weeks...... I had no clue what was really going on. It drove me crazy.... I would lay in my bed every night SICK over it. What do you think....???? I love him and I am not ready to give up on our relationship. We finally have a real chance, but now he is blaming me and making me feel like crap and like I'M THE CHEATER.I suspect he is secretly enjoying having you over a barrel like this. Anyway, I suppose technically one could say you cheated on him if your mutual agreement was to be exclusive. Problem is he is clearly lying to you about having sex with his wife. It is hard to swallow that he honestly expects you to believe he walked into their home, told her he was only there for children and not reconciliation with her, and then proceeded to sleep in the same bed with her. Ridiculous beyond belief and insulting to your intelligence! What do I think? I think he is manipulating you. He will hold this over your head for as long as you are together. He believes he has gained more power over you and more freedom (in the future) for himself as a result of your guilty feelings. You are now in the forefront as Plan B because his wife finally kicked him to the curb. He has to ensure that you do not find the personal power and confidence to do the same.
Owl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 We are TRYING to work through all this, (it's been a little over a month) but now he keeps tell me how I cheated on him and I ruined everything and he isn't sure he can get over it. He is soooo angry and he says he doesn't trust ME! I'm sorry that you're going through such pain...but you have to admit, this is rather karmic that he's so upset and hurt by your actions. Deja moo. My thought is that IF he truly loves me, he would say ~ honey, I am so hurt and sad, but I SEE how my actions lead you to this. I love you and I am committed to making us work. Have you given any thought at all as to how this same thing might apply to HIS situation with his wife as well?
nadiaj2727 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I think you are making your situation worse and you need to stop being with MM as well as any other guys until you take a long hard look at yourself. Why are doing these things? Do you want to be truly happy and content? This is not the way. I broke up with MM and got myself into counseling, I recommend that you do the same because knowing and loving yourself first is the only way you can be truly happy in any relationship... and you have not been picking the most healthy relationships so that should show you something about your own state of self fulfillment.
White Flower Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 His actions didn't lead you to have sex with the other guy, you did that all on your own. You couldn't have walked away from that situation at anytime, you didn't. I refuse to call it cheating, since he was married to someone else and I must say I am glad he got a dose of his own medicine. As far a trust goes, neither of you show much aptitude in that area, so you sound perfect for each other. He is hurt, that is too funny. Now you know exactly how his wife felt, when he blamed her for his cheating. Whether it was they had drifted apart, no sex or whatever juvenile reason it was. No adult can make another do something that isn't in their nature. You chose to sleep with the other guy more than once of your own free will, just like you chose to sleep with someone else's H of your own free will. I don't know you, but your choices show a certain immaturity in dealing with life choices properly. Maybe you should step away and figure out what your standards of conduct are and what you are willing to settle for in life. He is a real piece of work, he is angry and he can't trust you:lmao::lmao:he is reaping what he has sown and he doesn't like it, poor little man. I agree with Bent on the bolded areas. I remember your story from last winter; you were the 'elevator couple', lol. Anyway, I think he got what he deserved. Why does he get to play and you don't? I don't get the MM who thinks the world revolves around him and him alone. You were neglected, you had needs and someone else was there to fulfill them for you. Too bad so sad. When he wants to revolve around you and you alone, then he can expect exclusivity. Good luck with Mr Selfish. I hope the medicine tasted bad and that he's learned a valuable lesson. He said he was in love with you-made you believe it. Now he needs to prove it.
White Flower Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I suspect he is secretly enjoying having you over a barrel like this. Anyway, I suppose technically one could say you cheated on him if your mutual agreement was to be exclusive. Problem is he is clearly lying to you about having sex with his wife. It is hard to swallow that he honestly expects you to believe he walked into their home, told her he was only there for children and not reconciliation with her, and then proceeded to sleep in the same bed with her. Ridiculous beyond belief and insulting to your intelligence! What do I think? I think he is manipulating you. He will hold this over your head for as long as you are together. He believes he has gained more power over you and more freedom (in the future) for himself as a result of your guilty feelings. You are now in the forefront as Plan B because his wife finally kicked him to the curb. He has to ensure that you do not find the personal power and confidence to do the same. I agree with GPFan. He will use this unless YOU put a stop to it. Just remind him of the pain he caused when he lied about sleeping with his wife. Those text messages of "I love you" would have been enough for me.
Lookingforward Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I agree with GPFan. He will use this unless YOU put a stop to it. Just remind him of the pain he caused when he lied about sleeping with his wife. Those text messages of "I love you" would have been enough for me. Yup - new wedding band and I love you texts are a definite dealbreaker Mind you, I still don't understand how you can "cheat" on a cheater
awkward Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I think the new ring and I love you was him trying to reconcile with his wife. I get the impression that the only reason he is moving on to Plan B is because his wife filed for divorce. I am new to the forums and really don't have any advice for you other than you should run as far away as you possibly can from this man. I realize that this is stereotyping, but won't you eventually become the BS if you stay with this man? I wonder how often OW and OM get their MM or MW to be loyal to them after they divorce their BS? Or is that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" (with a few exceptions) a myth? I also wonder how many other noobs just like me asked this very same question. Good luck to you.
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I agree with Bent on the bolded areas. I remember your story from last winter; you were the 'elevator couple', lol. Anyway, I think he got what he deserved. Why does he get to play and you don't? I don't get the MM who thinks the world revolves around him and him alone. You were neglected, you had needs and someone else was there to fulfill them for you. Too bad so sad. When he wants to revolve around you and you alone, then he can expect exclusivity. Good luck with Mr Selfish. I hope the medicine tasted bad and that he's learned a valuable lesson. He said he was in love with you-made you believe it. Now he needs to prove it. WF, how you doing? He is a real piece of work. He can't prove he loves her or anyone else, cause he only loves himself and what he wants is all that counts. The W has taken control of her life, now it is time for the op to do the same and kick his @$$ with his head up it, out the door.
Author CallMeCrazy Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks so much... I will admit, when I caught him wearing the ring (which he swears was just the one time that I happened to see him) ~ the "I love you" texts to his W, I started to feel like I was literally going crazy... Here he is, telling me that he is only going home for the kids ~ but his ACTIONS were speaking so much louder than his words. Now, when I tell him about how much pain he put me through, he constantly throws, "but I didn't #uck her" in my face. But night after night when he was at home sleeping in her bed, but "not having sex"....??? I just didn't believe him anymore, and I went out with the other guy. That is common sense. I SHOULD have said I'm leaving and dating someone new, so I definitely see how that was wrong. There was just a part of me inside that was hoping he would leave his W and be with me... I wanted to believe him sooo much. I don't know what is going to happen now ~ but I'm NOT letting him hold this over me. What he put me through was TORTURE and this is a result of our actions to start a relationship while he was still committed to someone else. BTW, the other guy knew I had a boyfriend at first, but that we had "broken up" and that it was "complicated". I didn't really want to volunteer info like, um yeah so I've been dating my 42 year old boss, who is sort of seperated, but went back to his wife.... UGH! It's humiliating.... I definitely regret getting involved in this whole situation. I feel terrible for hurting his wife, he family, everything! I would discourage ANYONE from ever, ever dating a MM. In my mind, when MM went back to his W the 2nd time, our R changed. I should have said, you leave and I'm dating other people. That was definitely where I went wrong.... The other guy is totally out of the picture now and yes, he was single.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 (which he swears was just the one time that I happened to see him) You know that's bull too, right? I definitely regret getting involved in this whole situation. I feel terrible for hurting his wife, he family, everything! I would discourage ANYONE from ever, ever dating a MM. Does this mean that you're not going to get back with MM if he truly DOES leave and get the D? I hope so. Besides, if he was that miserable in his marriage, he should have left reguardless if you were in the picture and in his life. You obviously aren't ready to date at all, so give yourself time to heal.
awkward Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 You could ask his wife if he slept with her. But she will probably laugh in your face. If he slept in her bed with a new ring on his finger and told her he loved her, what are the odds he wasn't having sex with her? Please don't feel bad. You were single. Besides, I am not sure if you can technically "cheat" on someone who is cheating. I hope you find the courage and strength to dump this loser like the BW did.
Lookingforward Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I SHOULD have said I'm leaving and dating someone new, so I definitely see how that was wrong. In my mind, when MM went back to his W the 2nd time, our R changed. I should have said, you leave and I'm dating other people. That was definitely where I went wrong.... The other guy is totally out of the picture now and yes, he was single. Don't blame yourself - you owed HIM nothing......much less an explanation of where your R stood when he went back to the W. I'd say he made that pretty clear wouldn't you ?
nadiaj2727 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I agree with Bent on the bolded areas. I remember your story from last winter; you were the 'elevator couple', lol. Anyway, I think he got what he deserved. Why does he get to play and you don't? I don't get the MM who thinks the world revolves around him and him alone. You were neglected, you had needs and someone else was there to fulfill them for you. Too bad so sad. When he wants to revolve around you and you alone, then he can expect exclusivity. Good luck with Mr Selfish. I hope the medicine tasted bad and that he's learned a valuable lesson. He said he was in love with you-made you believe it. Now he needs to prove it. I think that by cheating on his wife and leaving OW as his secret side piece, any MM is showing that he thinks the world revolves around him. Should his wife find out about his "secret side piece" or his OW get a taste of a side cake too, we quickly see how they STILL feel their world revolves around him... anything to protect themselves and keep having all of what THEY want all to themselves. And I'm sorry but this man wouldn't know love if it bit him in the nose so I don't see how he can prove what he doesn't know.
White Flower Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I think that by cheating on his wife and leaving OW as his secret side piece, any MM is showing that he thinks the world revolves around him. Should his wife find out about his "secret side piece" or his OW get a taste of a side cake too, we quickly see how they STILL feel their world revolves around him... anything to protect themselves and keep having all of what THEY want all to themselves. And I'm sorry but this man wouldn't know love if it bit him in the nose so I don't see how he can prove what he doesn't know. I have seen men cheat only to realize they do love the OW and leave for them; marry them. My father did, so I have faith in certain MM. My father did the right thing by declaring his love for her publicly and moving in with her. But you are right, Nadia. This one seems to love himself. CallMeCrazy, the only thing I would do over is to tell him you are a free agent when you want to be shown a good time again. Let him know the world evolves around you too.
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