always_that_girl Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 When we started dating, he promised me that he would give up pornography (unless I suggested it) and adult themed websites. This morning I opened the history window to go back to my websites I visited yesterday since the window had been shut down after my husband was done using it last night. I went to bed earlier than him, not the first time. Often the next morning the history is intact, or completely wiped out. I have told him I do not appreciate the history being wiped clean because I use it to navigate back to previous websites. This morning there was history for an Adult Live Video Chat site, several of the profile, the login, the member chat area. There was a bunch of pictures saved (accidentally? since I had been saving photos earlier for kids games!) to my folder on the computer. This really bothers me, because lately he has been 'getting overtime' at work or staying late at school. Is it really that he is taking time to sit on the website? I'm pregnant, 5 months along, and still very young. He says he is very turned on by my pregnant body, and we have lots of sex, but now I feel like he may be living out fantasies with this girls. I'm truly irked because we had lots of sex before I went to bed last night, even though I was quite sore and tiered. I pleased him and brought him off. So why does he feel the need to go video chat with 4 other women right after? What would you do? Would you confront him? How? I have considered printing out the profiles and speaking to him about it when he gets home from work. My first reaction was to write and angry email, tell him what a disgusting liar he is and take my son and stay with my girlfriend for the night. I have not. I have the email in my drafts, but not sent. Or should I log into the site and browse and chat with hot men, see how he feels about it?
Enema Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I would apologize to him for trying to make him give up porn and let him know that I now realize it was a mistake to control another person's fantasies. I'd also add that I didn't realize sex with me and jerking off to porn are completely unrelated and that I was silly for confusing the two. Then, I'd give him a blowjob and make him a sandwich.
Author always_that_girl Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 You know I might just do that is I was an absolute push over and didn't believe in self-control.
Jennifer26 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I don't know the answer to this, as I am in a similar situation. I do know that I find chatting with live women more threatening than looking at standard porn.
Author always_that_girl Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 I don't know the answer to this, as I am in a similar situation. I do know that I find chatting with live women more threatening than looking at standard porn. Ordinary Porn bothers me too if he sweeps it under the carpet. This bothers me more because there is that interaction that you don't get with pictures or video from the net... It also bothers me because we do not have a lot of money, we are expecting, and he is finishing up school. If he was so awake why didn't he study, if he was so horny, why not ask for more? Why not have a little self-control as he loves to brag about. Then it bothers me because he has been begging me to let him take pictures and video tape me, I hate having this done, it makes me feel so.. slutty and vulnerable. What if he puts it on his computer and it gets into he wrong folder and is shared on the net? What if it's on tape and someone breaks in (as we are not in the safest neighborhood) and steals my tape!? It just makes me feel so dirty and like I can't trust him.
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I would pull the page up on the computer that he was looking at last night and leave it open for him to see when he gets home. Then take my son and go to my friends house for a few days...not one word to him for at least 24hrs. He will figure out why you left and worry about it all night long while he can't contact you.
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I would apologize to him for trying to make him give up porn and let him know that I now realize it was a mistake to control another person's fantasies. I'd also add that I didn't realize sex with me and jerking off to porn are completely unrelated and that I was silly for confusing the two. Then, I'd give him a blowjob and make him a sandwich. :laugh:lol..what a guy answer.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 You know I might just do that is I was an absolute push over and didn't believe in self-control. I like you. That was a good answer. lol..what a guy answer. More like,what a selfish person answer. Because only someone who was completely selfish and only cared about their needs would suggest that. I don't have any advice with you. I don't understand why men do this stuff. I don't understand why they do this to the women who are having their babies. I don't think many men have their values straight. You get to have his baby and be thanked by him looking and talking to other women. What is wrong with you men?
Enema Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 More like,what a selfish person answer. Because only someone who was completely selfish and only cared about their needs would suggest that. Hi Pot, my name is Kettle. It's just as selfish to expect the man to bend over backwards to accommodate your insecurities about porn. What, do you only care about your needs?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 It's just as selfish to expect the man to bend over backwards to accommodate your insecurities about porn. I didn't realize that not looking at porn was "bending over backwards" for a man. What, do you only care about your needs? Not at all. I do actually want the guy I am in a relationship with to be happy and fullfilled. But if I am putting in the effort to do this, and on top of that he is getting some more from the side from porn or fantasy chats, I wonder why I put the effort in at all since he is getting the same results either way.
angie2443 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I don't know the answer to this, as I am in a similar situation. I do know that I find chatting with live women more threatening than looking at standard porn. chatting with live women is in a whole differant ball park than looking at standard porn. IMO it is cheating.
Lizzie60 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 This is what struck me: When we started dating, he promised me that he would give up pornography (unless I suggested it) and adult themed websites. You seem to be very controlling.. that would turn me off... I have told him I do not appreciate the history being wiped clean because I use it to navigate back to previous websites. So, in other words, you want to control what he looks at on the computer.. This really bothers me, because lately he has been 'getting overtime' at work or staying late at school. Is it really that he is taking time to sit on the website? Or maybe he's 'getting overtime' to stray.. since he's tired of being told what to do... My guess is that he won't change.. it will only get worst if you keep that attitude.. that you need to control him. Or should I log into the site and browse and chat with hot men, see how he feels about it? Good idea.. I would do that.. what's good for one is good for the other (my motto)...
JackJack Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Just out of curisoty when you said he told you: "he promised me that he would give up pornography." Did he just say this out of the blue one day, or did you ask him to, and agreed and that was his response? Most people who previously looked at porn before in a marriage/committed relationship (espcailly if it was on a regular basis) is not likely to just give it up or stop looking at it, just because they said they would.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Just out of curisoty when you said he told you: "he promised me that he would give up pornography." Did he just say this out of the blue one day, or did you ask him to, and agreed and that was his response? Most people who previously looked at porn before in a marriage/committed relationship (espcailly if it was on a regular basis) is not likely to just give it up or stop looking at it, just because they said they would. Regardless, he lied and broke her trust and went against his word. He said he would. If a person says they are going to do something, especially your SO, don't you try to put faith in them that they will? That's called trust. How is a woman suppose to trust her man if he is breaking his word to her? If he couldn't give it up, he should have been honest about it. By lying, he broke her trust and he did it all for porn. Which I think tells a woman what was more important to him since he was willing to sacrifice her trust in him for lying about porn.
JackJack Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Regardless, he lied and broke her trust and went against his word. He said he would. If a person says they are going to do something, especially your SO, don't you try to put faith in them that they will? That's called trust. How is a woman suppose to trust her man if he is breaking his word to her? If he couldn't give it up, he should have been honest about it. By lying, he broke her trust and he did it all for porn. Which I think tells a woman what was more important to him since he was willing to sacrifice her trust in him for lying about porn. It was for the OP. Plus, I never said I didn't agree that him breaking his word was wrong.
angryyoungman70 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 My sister-in-law had an issue with her husband looking at porn. She refused him to do so, he agreed, and later when she found out that he was still doing it, she "feared for the safety of her daughter" and kicked him out of the house. They eventually got back together, albeit short-lived once he discovered that she slpet with no less than 4 other men including one of thier friends from church. He ought to be ashamed of himself for his lack of self control.
EnigmasMuse Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Why did she fear for the safety of her daughter? Was he looking at kiddie porn? Or are you just meaning becasue he looked at porn and was afraid she might find or see wht he was doing?
porter218 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Hi Pot, my name is Kettle. It's just as selfish to expect the man to bend over backwards to accommodate your insecurities about porn. What, do you only care about your needs? I really think you are missing the point here. Regardless of your views on porn...her man said in the beginning he wasn't going to use porn. This turns out to have been a lie, which means he tricked her into a relationship. Not fair at all. In situations like this a man needs to man up and be honest. If he wants to watch porn or do video chat porn, then say thats what the hell you want to do and make no excuses about it, don't f*cking lie about it. If he told the truth in the beginning she could have made a more informed decision about whether to pursue a relationship with him or not. If she doesn't want to deal with it, then he can go off to find a woman who is cool with a man like that, and she can find a man who would respect her wishes....every one wins. Is that so hard to understand.
EnigmasMuse Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I agree he shouldn't have lied. However, and this is not a justification at all. Lets say he has a real issue with porn/video chats. Such as like an addiction, then chances are him telling her he wont look at it anymore is not likely to hold water. If he has/had a real issue with it then he will lie about it and he wil return to it, and possibly start to even hide it better. People with addictions do that kind of thing. Thats like a alcoholic telling their spouse they promise they wont drink again when they know more than likely they will. They aren't usually honest in telling a spouse the truth about it. Thats part of their addiction is it being kind of a secret. Now I'm not saying for sure he has a real problem, but he very well could. So the OP needs to address this with her husband and get to the root of whats really going on. She did say they have lots of sex so it can't be the lack of that, but perhaps something else deeper is going on.
angryyoungman70 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Why did she fear for the safety of her daughter? Was he looking at kiddie porn? Or are you just meaning becasue he looked at porn and was afraid she might find or see wht he was doing? Her perspective was that if he was looking at porn, then that qualified him to sexually abuse thier daughter. NONE of it was kiddie porn, and thier daughter at the time was 7 years old. On a side note, this was many years ago when they were both still quite young. As age and wisdom have helped develop more of ballanced view of the world, she has since posed for an adult magazine, and after a slew of "hook-ups" she's re-married a guy and they both watch porn together occasionally to "spice-up" thier sex-life.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 She sounds crazy. If she waited 11 years, then she could have used that argument about her daughter since most of the women in porn would be around his daughter's age. Men are nice aren't they. He love them, have their babies, and grow old with them. And they look at porn of girls old enough to be their own daughters. Makes a woman want to jump right in ther eand form a commitment with a man doesn't it.
angryyoungman70 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Yes JS, men are terrible creatures. They look at porn, remain faithful to thier wives, volunteer for umpteen school related functions, donate thousands of thier own earnings and hours of thier time every year to worthy charities, help with thier kids' homework, sacrifice much of thier own passions and pursiuts to ensure the "Honey do" list doesn't grow too long, become eunichs when they discover that thier wives have little to no sex drive, always end up on the wrong side of maritial "compromises", provide a worthy and enriching lifestyle for thier families, and should they EVER decide that they (for some un-Godly reason) are not happy in thier relationship - gleefully hand over thier children, house, vehicles, and other accumulative assets to thier loving wives. Terrible creatures, these men.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I didn't say men were terrible creatures. ANd I never said men didn't do anything for their family or for others. But guess what? Women make sacrifices for their families and husband's too. How much truth is in it that alot of men out there have daughters the same age of the girls they are masturbating to porn in? Look at how many women fall in love, have a man's baby, changing her own already imperfect body forever..only to have a man turn to porn and lust after all other kinds of women that haven't even reached their 21 birthday yet. You want to roll your eyes or want not but ther eis alot of truth in what I say. The thanks a woman gets for changing her body forever, being dedicated and loyal to her family is a husband/boyfriend that will forever be checking out younger, prettier, .."more" whatever options for the rest of her life. Depressing but that is the kind of stuff men do.
Order & Chaos Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I didn't say men were terrible creatures. ANd I never said men didn't do anything for their family or for others. But guess what? Women make sacrifices for their families and husband's too. How much truth is in it that alot of men out there have daughters the same age of the girls they are masturbating to porn in? Look at how many women fall in love, have a man's baby, changing her own already imperfect body forever..only to have a man turn to porn and lust after all other kinds of women that haven't even reached their 21 birthday yet. You want to roll your eyes or want not but ther eis alot of truth in what I say. The thanks a woman gets for changing her body forever, being dedicated and loyal to her family is a husband/boyfriend that will forever be checking out younger, prettier, .."more" whatever options for the rest of her life. Depressing but that is the kind of stuff men do. Then don't be with them. If it is so awful don't date men and don't have a relationship with one.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Don't directly address the very real and true statements I made in my post. that would actually mean having to admit that men's behavior isn't as perfect as they want women to think of them as. God forbid a man admit that yeah, sometimes his behavior with porn sucks and he could understand how him looking at women young enough to be his daughter, could be a sceevy and not respectful of his daughter OR his wife.
Recommended Posts