PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I have more good days than bad, but sometimes I have these moments where all this anger comes to the surface and I don't know how to deal with it. I embrace the sadness and cry if I need to. But what do I do with the anger? I keep suppressing it, but it comes back. It sounds stupid, but I'm angry with my ex because he chose something I think is worth less than what he already had. I know that sounds really arrogant, but i'll explain. First of all, if he was soooo miserable with me, why didn't he leave before someone else came along? He's been alone before, it's not like he's one of those people who can't handle being alone, he's very independent. He was the kind of guy who would prefer to be alone than in a miserable relationship. Secondly there is the girl he left for. She's very like me: similar age, similar looks, similar job, similar personality. Why leave like for like? And third is the way they got together. She was in a LTR with his friend, and he was with me. She went behind her boyfriends back and pursued him, he went behind mine and pursued her. They started it in-front of mutual friends, humiliating both me and her ex (who was the last to know). Personally I think that behavior is really low and disrespectful (both of them). I would never pursue or touch someone who was in a relationship. I would never pursue a friends partner. They both knew each other's partners. Can the relationship they have really be so much better? It started with lies and deceit - how do they respect or trust each other? The guy I knew would lose respect for people who behaved in this way. I suppose the crux of it is that I loved him completely, yet he rejected me and it's not obvious to me why. I was loving, loyal and faithful, and he passed me up for someone who has proven to be the opposite, displaying qualities that surely would put most people off. I'm angry for being rejected in this way. I was a good girlfriend, not perfect obviously, but not awful. I always made him feel special, I always made the effort, I always told him how much I fancied him and adored him, I supported him when things were tough, we rarely argued, and it was all worthless to him, she was clearly offering better? And as an added insult, it took him a month to choose between us. He strung me along for an extra month and i don't know why? Most of all, I'm angry with myself for still loving him.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If you're having problems with processing your emotions after cheating, I would highly recommend some form of individual counseling. Previous to finding LS, I didn't believe in it but with all the discussion of such by LS members, I decided to bite the bullet after discovery of infidelity during my five year marriage. It helped me to get past it, within six months. Of course time span will be individual reliant. I wasn't just angry, more like in a cold, white rage over the situation. Counseling helped to provide the necessary coping tools for something I've never experienced before. Keep in mind that it's up to you to consistently apply the tools developed during the sessions.
df273 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Your anger sounds more like passion. I would do all i can to forget about the ex. Get rid of things that remind you of your ex, and talk to someone. I have similar problems, and have a a good friend and his GF that i talk to. Amazingly, i talk to them about stuff i would never tell anyone. It is always good to have someone to listen.
kizik Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Nothing wrong with anger. I'm of the opinion that it will help you see the situation for what it truly was, and then you'll be able to move on that much quicker.
sunshinegirl Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I wasn't just angry, more like in a cold, white rage over the situation. Counseling helped to provide the necessary coping tools for something I've never experienced before. TBF, were there any particular things that helped you cope? I am in counseling myself thanks to my cheating ex, but my counselor is more into family of origin issues and stuff, not really a cognitive behavioral approach. So cool, we're making progress on why I picked my ex to begin with, but it doesn't give me tools for handling the 'in-the-moment' setbacks. I'm wondering if there are specific things you learned that can help me (and the OP) when the 'white rage' emerges. Of course, my rage is mixed with disbelief, sadness, despair, self-doubt, blah blah blah all the other typical breakup feelings.
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 TBF, were there any particular things that helped you cope? I am in counseling myself thanks to my cheating ex, but my counselor is more into family of origin issues and stuff, not really a cognitive behavioral approach. So cool, we're making progress on why I picked my ex to begin with, but it doesn't give me tools for handling the 'in-the-moment' setbacks. I'm wondering if there are specific things you learned that can help me (and the OP) when the 'white rage' emerges. Of course, my rage is mixed with disbelief, sadness, despair, self-doubt, blah blah blah all the other typical breakup feelings. I can only describe my sessions because I either don't remember or she didn't mention the name of the methodology. In a nutshell, we went through my background, so she could get a feel of who I was. We then went through who my ex was. After that, we discussed the entire relationship. Through all this, she pinpointed some things about myself that rang true. One key point is that I highly value honest relationships. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? When you emphasize things of value, other things become trivial. It's difficult for me to explain this without going heavily into detail about our relationship, which I would rather not.
Recommended Posts