Too many mixed messages!

[Byren]

Hey guys, me again.

 

Last time I posted here I had mentioned that my ex was confusing me with her texts to me. Well, I sent her a message explaining some stuff and suggested that maybe we should have a little "radio silence".

Seems this opened a whole new barrel of stuff, she sent me an email explaining the real reasons she broke up with me etc...and a load of mixed messages. Here's the message she sent if anyone feels like giving me their opinions on this...

 

Hey you...

 

I don’t know whether you were expecting/wanting/not wanting a reply, but want to because I’m so incredibly humble that you sent me that long message... Can’t say it is something that happens often and it meant a lot! I can honestly say that you’re probably the most decent guy I’ve ever met, (and I promise you that’s true – I wouldn’t just lie to you for the sake of making you feel good or something, as you know I am heartlessly blunt whenever I feel the need). You’re up-front, honest, funny, good-looking and kind – all the qualities I admire in a guy, yet for some reason (and I’m coming on to that) I couldn’t bring myself to commit properly to you. And I hate myself for it because given any other circumstances; you would be the perfect boyfriend. Scout’s honour.

 

The trouble is, having analysed a million times what happened between us (I over think everything – one of the many reasons why I would be a nightmare to get involved with), I know exactly why stuff ended the way it did - despite me trying to twist events in my head and pretend to myself – and have done ever since the day I spoke to you about “us”. I dumbed it down, and made excuses for myself (which were all true I hasten to add – but not the 100% truth, just fragments of it – and I’m sorry for not being entirely honest and leaving out the mega detail that made all the difference)…

 

The fact is you deserve the truth and I’m a coward for not having told you before. I was embarrassed and didn’t know how to say it or how it would make you feel or even if it was necessary to get all deep and intense.

 

Basically I was completely (emotionally and physically) wrenched apart when my relationship with Jon ended, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t able to forget him for a single day since we split in December. I tried so hard to do shedloads of stuff to stop thinking about him, but the truth is, everything I did reminded me of him (in a good and bad way), and everybody I met I compared, as much as I hated myself for doing so (that doesn’t mean to say I compared people in a negative light, but the mere fact he had become a blueprint for a guy meant that something was wrong). I don’t know how much you’ll understand what I’m saying (not meant patronisingly WHATSOEVER), but basically as much as I’ve wanted to move on emotionally from him, which I did want to with you, I haven’t been able to bring myself to.

 

Low-key stuff – hanging out, clubbing, Alton Towers, drinking, etc was all awesome, but once we started talking about being a proper couple and I actually gave it proper thought, I realised how scared I was of getting into a relationship: scared of being hurt, scared of betraying Jon (stupid as he had already done that, and was in a relationship anyway), scared of losing someone again, scared of you learning more about me and then not liking me (rejection, basically) and scared of tying myself to anyone in case he wanted me back. And you’re the only person I’ve admitted this to, because I know how lame and pathetic it makes me sound.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I bumped into him a couple of weeks after me and you parted ways. And I knew from the second I saw him (accidentally, when I was in town) that I still loved him, and when I asked him how he was etc etc, we ended up having a long conversation where he told me he wanted to break up with Kirstie because he missed me so much and that I was his “soul mate” blah blah. Obviously I was sceptical, and scared of him not being totally honest etc but naively I believed him (due to the fact we ended so amicably and with no hatred between us), and about a week later he’d ended his relationship and we hung out lots and he was basically trying to win me back with a load of romantic gestures and “I love you”’s etc. I totally should have ignored it, given the way he’d treated me, but I couldn’t because all I’d wanted more than anything was to be back with him – god knows why. After about 3 weeks of him telling me how stupid he’d been to risk losing me and all that sort of stuff, he came over one day and told me that he couldn’t be with me, that he couldn’t ever commit, that he couldn’t be faithful and that he missed Kirstie. Obviously I’ve skimmed over details and made it sound very trivial (it was a lot more in depth than that) but essentially since then (about a month ago) I haven’t spoken to him, and I feel finally like I’m moving on: he lied, cheated and manipulated me, and only now am I realising that he walked all over me and someone like that doesn’t deserve to have someone wasting their life pining away. It took the second rejection by him to make me realise that I need to move on and this time I know not to go back, whatever happens. And I won’t. (I know that doesn’t directly have anything to do with you, but it’s all background, and the main reason why I screwed us up big time).

 

That was probably difficult to read, and I’m sorry. But you’re a better man than he is, and a better person than I am because you were up front all along whereas I pathetically didn’t want to tell you about how deeply I felt for him because I didn’t really know myself and I didn’t want to admit it to you, myself or anyone, for fear of being seen as a loser/pathetic excuse for a woman! Plus, I didn’t WANT to be so emotionally attached (and constantly tried to convince myself that I wasn’t) because I really liked you and really wanted to make things work. Obviously if I had known all along that he was casting a shadow over us I would never have let it carry on, because I know how unfair that would’ve been. But I didn’t know, and I had an awesome time while it lasted.

 

I don’t know if this has helped at all, but it’s basically me saying that I’m starting to get proper closure on the whole “Jon” thing, and I’m moving onwards rather than stagnating and wallowing in misery and “what ifs”. I’m not saying that means I think me and you have a future at all but I’m not saying it doesn’t. And neither would I expect you to want one either, given the amount I’ve messed you about, and the fact that now you know so much more about me and my warped emotional history. I’m just saying I know what I DON’T want to do anymore, and that’s hang around waiting for the “love of my life” to return, because even if he did, I wouldn’t want him back.

 

I’m messy, and I’m complicated and you’re probably very relieved you didn’t get involved with me. But we are now on an even keel, and when my exams finish (Friday!), I am a free woman for 3 months. So I shall be cooking you steak whenever you want one and I’d be more than happy to discuss all this stuff properly some time, because FaceBook isn’t the easiest way to communicate – and if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably have misinterpreted stuff I’ve said.

 

All you really need to know is that you did nothing wrong, and that I never didn’t like you or didn’t (consciously) want stuff to work. Hopefully we can go back to square one and be footloose and fancy free, and hopefully you don’t hate me or now have reason to “hate my guts”…

 

If you want “radio silence” I understand completely. And I promise you that is without doubt the best way to get over someone!

 

I reckon there’s probably worse grammar in that essay than in anything else I’ve ever written, but I hope you can forgive me due to the amount of ridiculous exams I’ve had sapping me of any writing ability..

 

Kate

 

xx

 

I sent her a message back basically showing her my sympathy and support and letting her know that I still think she's special. I tried not to seem overly eager and let her know that maybe we should step back into friendship for a little while and see where it goes.

 

Is it just my imagination that she's still showing some sort of interest in me?...I think I'd like to get back with her, but it's pointless if she's not interested!

 

Thanks to anyone that's read through, I appriciate that it's quite lengthy!

[Byren]

Anyone? I appriciate that it's a lengthy post, but if anyone has any views I'd love to hear them =)

[sultry33]

hi i think well at least she was honest.. must have been hard to read though.

she says she is not waiting for the love of her life anymore... that bit would

worry me.

im sorry but she didnt see you in the same light.. do you want to be second best?

 

plus it was "jon" who broke away again huh..

 

she seems honest and sorry but do you just want to hang out?

time out id suggest

[Byren]

Hey sultry, thanks for posting.

 

It was a little hard to read, though this reason for breaking up with me almost leaves us with more of a chance...she originally said she was splitting because she's going to uni in sept and it'd be too far, which would normally be a fine excuse, but it's only 30 mins away by car (I didn't argue the fact much, if she wanted to break-up then there was little I could say). The fact that she's not interested in her "ex-love of her life" (she had told me at one point that they were very much in love) at least means there's space for someone to fill the void when she's properly ready to move on (hopefully me =P). It is annoying that she still had feelings for another guy when we were dating though, and I feel like a fool because of it.

 

I told her that we can just be friends and work from there, but I really would be pushing for more the entire time - I could maybe bare being friends for just a little while, but if I couldn't push it any higher than that then I think I'd have a problem...I've realised this over the past few days. I simply wouldn't be happy with just friendship. I've already had 2 months distance and just realise more and more how much I miss her.

 

Urgh, this stuff sucks...

[sultry33]

hi yeah it does..

you need to do whats best for you.. not her but you.

if for now you can handle friends only then go for it, but what if it stays at this.. what if she turns rd and says just friends..

you could get hurt more..

you need to ask yourself is she worth it.

 

you could be healing now and in time meet the girl who will forget all prev loves and you be "the love of her life"

 

im maybe a bit biased as i too just let go of someone who i love to bits and he claims to love me the same.. but for me it went from him returning to me emiotionally.. to leave me alone.. to i miss you.. to i cant give any answers!

so i have now said no contact.. hurts loads

 

i hope things work out for you.. but if its done its done.. then heal x

[loomis]

Sorry man,

 

It sounds like she's finally reached a point in her life where she is happy being with just herself. Hate to say it but it was probably just a rebound thing going on.

 

I know when people breakup with others they feel bad and they say all the bull**** "you're better then me, I was the bad one, I have warped emotions." those are all pointless excuses dude. Don't get pulled in. Leave everything as is and no need to get in contact.

 

She'll understand. I mean if she's telling the truth in saying all that stuff that you're so much better then her. Well show her you are, maybe then she might come back but I wouldn't count on it for sure.

 

I always think it's funny, the people who say stupid things like that ALWAYS are the ones who get mad when you move on and actually believe what they say. What do they expect? They said what they said and if that's the reason, well then take it for what it is and move on.

[kizik]

Yeah.. if you were that great in her eyes, if she truly believed that email she wrote you, she would be with you and loving you, instead of telling you how great you are.

 

Objectively, she thinks you're great, I guess - but she doesn't love you, and I think you need to be very careful about getting strung along by her compliments.

 

She sounds like a pretty terrible person to me. She can write really well, and I'm sure she's smart as all hell. But it's really just a bunch of self-serving, self-important excuses.

 

Oh, she's still got you. You need to see that. Stop being such a nice guy, it will get you nowhere.

 

Friendship? HA! That's a good one. Guys cannot be friends with ex-girlfriends, ESPECIALLY not right away. Maybe a few years from now - MINIMUM. You think you want friendship? I can promise you there is no greater heartbreak than spending time with someone you still love, but cannot physically express it to.

 

You've got a long way to go in realizing the truth about this manipulative, selfish woman. She is baaaad news and you are still on her string.