Dead inside at the edge of darkness

[ThumbingMyWay]

Leo

 

my thoughts are with you today and I will be checking in this weekend to offer any support.

 

This will be the longest weekend of your life....but you WILL endure this trial.

 

 

 

Question...maybe this isnt the time, with everything your going to be dealing with this weekend...

 

But have you thought about if you were going to inform the OM's wife? Or just let the pieces fall and worry about your own.

 

Personally, if you are going all the way, might as well make copies of your evidence and mail them to OM wife....heck, maybe even stop by and tell her in person.

 

 

Some will say theres no need to tell OM wife. In my case I didnt. In fact I didnt call the OM unitll almost a year later after he tried contacting my wife again. I told him it was his last chance and if he ever did it again, I would go right to his wife and tell her everything. Wife and I never heard from him since.

 

But thinking back....I wish I would have told his wife.....oh well...done and gone and behind me.

 

 

 

Good luck and we are all here for you.

[theobserver]

Along with other members here I wish you all the best Leo.

As for if the OM wife should be told I would say yes. Inform her, by phone/in person. Most likely she will refuse to believe but you don't need to push it, she may even already have her suspicions and just needed to hear something from another.

 

Either way at the very least she will have her guard up plus if she is indeed aware you and your STBXW are customers and you're getting a divorce she will not totally disregard what you say. However this is your choice but I'm sure you can agree I bet you wished you'd known sooner about your cheating spouse or had more obvious hints then the way you found out, keep it in mind.

[stampdaddy]

anybody else here feeling a bit of Anxiety for Leo?? I know I am almost sick thinking about his long drive to scoop up his daughters and then confronting all of this....

 

Thinking about you Leo.. And I will say some prayers for ALL of you...

[sfsassy]

anybody else here feeling a bit of Anxiety for Leo?? I know I am almost sick thinking about his long drive to scoop up his daughters and then confronting all of this....

 

Thinking about you Leo.. And I will say some prayers for ALL of you...

 

I know I am. Even though I can't really offer advice, I just feel very bad for him and his daughters. It will be bad, no getting around it, but hopefully it will make him a stronger person, and he can get on with creating a great life for himself.

[Leo822]

Leo here on the other side of darkness.

 

I am to tired to give a rational account of the past 2 days.

 

Thank you all for your support. It was heart wrenching, upsetting, but for the best. My daughters are wonderful and so supportive.

 

After a good night sleep I will post in the morning the blow by blow details.

 

An anvil has been lifted from my shoulders and passed to hers. I pray I have the strength to do what I know is the right thing. My daughters are steadfastly on my side and telling me I am doing the right thing. They are worried about their mom, as the naturally should be, but are hurt by her actions none the less. My soon to be ex is embarrassed and has not come out of her room since Thursday night at 10:00 p.m.

 

I will write more tomorrow.

 

Thank you all again for your generous support through this hell.

[ThumbingMyWay]

....through this hell.

 

 

 

 

hell is what you make it out to be

 

 

 

its your turn to live now......enter leo part 2

[Ms. Red]

Leo here on the other side of darkness.

 

I am to tired to give a rational account of the past 2 days.

 

Thank you all for your support. It was heart wrenching, upsetting, but for the best. My daughters are wonderful and so supportive.

 

After a good night sleep I will post in the morning the blow by blow details.

 

An anvil has been lifted from my shoulders and passed to hers. I pray I have the strength to do what I know is the right thing. My daughters are steadfastly on my side and telling me I am doing the right thing. They are worried about their mom, as the naturally should be, but are hurt by her actions none the less. My soon to be ex is embarrassed and has not come out of her room since Thursday night at 10:00 p.m.

 

I will write more tomorrow.

 

Thank you all again for your generous support through this hell.

 

 

S'ok. I'm just glad you dropped us a quick note. I can't believe how much I've had you on my mind the last couple of days. I don't even know you & you have been on my mind.

 

Hugs & Prayers. =^-^=

[Darth Vader]

I know I can't go back. I am not the type who can forgive her spreading her legs for another man and feel any desire for her in the future. I know others can but I can't. Maybe it's my ego, but if I am not the only one she wants then she is not for me.

 

More news, In speaking with one of my sisters this morning. It turns out that this is not my soon to be ex's first fling. The shocking thing is that my wife has physically hit on all of my sister's boyfriends and both of my other 2 sisters husbands. All of them involved her throwing herself on them, kissing them and groping their crotch. They withheld this info from me to protect me? Not sure that was the best choice on their part, but in hindsight I wouldn't have acted in order to stay and raise my daughters. I am going to ask for a leave of absence today from work to get through this and get my life in order.

 

 

Who says they're even your daughters? I'd get a Paternaty test done just to be sure when the Crap hits the fan! Who knows how long this has been going on for? Perhaps since the wedding day, or before it? The Teacher may even be a father to one of those girls, OK, remain calm, don't confront too soon, get your ducks in a row, and Don't let your STBXW blame you for her riding other men! Drop her ASS!

[Darth Vader]

Well, keep collecting the evidence before you confront her so she can't weasel her way out of it.

 

 

 

 

Neither did I. Thats what being in shock does to a person. But after the shock was over, I could start thinking clearly. And then I did become angry and eventually divorced her.

 

 

 

 

Ya, look where that got you. You sacrifice and get crapped all over. I hope you divorce her and find someone not selfish.

 

 

 

 

Well now that the kids are out of the house, you have no excuse to stay with her. I'd file for divorce if I were you. That is unless you are happy married to a cheater.

 

 

 

 

Maybe you should talk to the brother and ask him if you should kick his sister out of the house for doing the same thing as his wife. Or, before confronting your wife, you can sneak the conversation in and ask her, "was your brother right to kick his wife out for cheating on him?"

 

If she agrees her brother was right, then you can then confront her and ask if she still feels the same way. If she was in agreement with what her brother did, then she should have no problem leaving the house.

 

 

 

 

He is correct.

 

 

 

 

And then your wife does what his wife did. Amazing, truly amazing.

 

 

 

 

You think they'll think the same of their sister and daughter? If ever brought up with the family, you might remind them of how they painted his wife for doing the same thing your wife is doing.

 

 

 

 

Well you can remind her of her own words when you finally do confront her.

 

 

 

 

Yup, your wife is a cheater, liar, and a hypocrite. What a woman!

 

All kidding aside my brother, I understand it all and do encourage you to divorce her.

 

 

 

 

Only way to rid yourself of the pain from betrayal is to get rid of the betrayer. Trust me, you will not be able to go on the rest of your life and not look at her with disgust from time to time. That is no life.

 

For your own sake, get a divorce. Leave your tramp of a wife to her music teacher. Let her be his problem, not yours.

 

 

Good Post! BTW, I see you like the way my avatar looks and decided to get one of your own!

[Darth Vader]

I have contacted a lawyer this morning after much triangulation with friends, family and such. She is a female with a good reputation in the state for being fair but tough. I am not looking for a scorched earth policy. I will be fair in the distribution of assets but I won't roll over and spread my legs in submission either. I just want the soon to be ex to move on down the line. She may not realize it now but she has set herself up for a less than pleasant future. She could have had it all as she moved into the 2nd half of her life. Now she will find out why people are complaining about the economy. Now, she will enjoy the pleasure of dragging her ass out of bed on a wet, cold monday morning to go to a job she doesn't like. Now she can stand at the gas pump and watch the dollars roll by and realize that her entire day's pay just went into the tank. Now she can buy ramen's and tuna in oil instead of going out to dinner because that is all she can afford. I actually feel sad for her.

 

 

I disagree, why you ask? Because you have to go hard on her, you have to have NO MERCY, because My MAN, Divorce courts are in favor of women, oh yeah, just like your wife, who lie , cheat, and steal!

 

I'm telling you this so your STBXW doesn't take everything that you've worked so hard for, and suffered for, so you don't end up eating Ramen and Tuna from a can, so you don't have to watch the dollars ring up on the gas gauges! WAKE UP AND BEAT HER ASS (LIKE A MOTHER DOES A CHILD IN K-MART)IN COURT!

 

I'm telling you this MAN, because when she does find out that you know, she's gonna fight you with everything that she has and be brutal about it! She won't feel sorry about you, because it's all about her! She won't show you mercy, she's already shown you that by riding another man perhaps even in your own bed!

 

NO MERCY! Why do you think they call it a Dog eat Dog world? You're the Bigger Dog, time to take care of the little witch - I mean Dog.

[Darth Vader]

It takes some "STONES" to hit on a spouses siblings husband/boyfriend and expect to get a way from it. Please make sure the school knows about his behavior!! Don't let him get away with it, even though it sounds like your wife is the agressor. I think there are two great ways for her to find out.....1. call the school which then brings in the OM who then calls the wife. (The trickle down approach is always fun to watch) and 2. Have them serve the wife at work in front of co-workers....filed for adultery. Good Luck.

 

 

Or #3. Both!:cool:

[sfsassy]

S'ok. I'm just glad you dropped us a quick note. I can't believe how much I've had you on my mind the last couple of days. I don't even know you & you have been on my mind.

 

Hugs & Prayers. =^-^=

Me too. I NEVER subscribe to threads but subscribed to this one, because I wanted to make sure I know what happened. Leo, I know these last two days have been terrible, but at least now you can concentrate on what to do now, and what actions need to be taken. Your daughters have been raised very well. They seem to love her very much, but know that what she did wasn't morally right.

Good luck on this next stage.

[Darth Vader]

I am very interested in the outcome of this situation

 

 

not that I like to wallow in others misery, but Leo's wife is in for a huge wakeup call. And I have to admit, I am anxiously waiting the fallout.

 

 

I think I still have buried resentment inside me for what my wife did to me, and I think sometimes I project that onto people like Leo's wife. A part of me wants to see her whole affair life come crumbling down and left with nothing.

 

I feel bad to thinking this way, but theres a part of me that wants to see cheaters pay in spades...

 

 

Fallout? I'm still waiting for the Nuclear BLAST! But, I'm dying to know too!

[Darth Vader]

hmmm...if your above opinion is true, then Leo's wife is more devious that I thought. BUT, BUT...given the deception my wife did to me, it wouldnt surprise me if she was the one NOT wanting to move.

 

As I think back, there were many times, I wanted to go do something on a weekend night or take a weekend wiht the guys. Were in the past my wife would give me grief, but during her affair, she had no qualms about me being gone for the weekend.....hind sight

 

 

So..... What does your wife say to all of this now?

[Darth Vader]

I need some advice.

 

I am all set with my evidence and will reveal my knowledge of her affair with her music teacher this Thursday when I return home. One of the text messages I intercepted from the OM stated "I adore those monkeys. Let's add 2 wings onto our future bungalow for them. I'd make a good grandpa." This is in reference to my 2 daughters and their future children if they choose to have any. This really pisses me off. I mean who the hell does this idiot think he is. My daughters will be devastated by this and to think that they will want to live with him is vomitous. My state won't allow a civil suit against him for marital alienation. Any suggestions on what I can sue this guy for? I am bringing his ass into the divorce now through deposition request from him and his wife, but I want to hurt him further in the wallet.

 

Next item I need advice on,

 

My lawyer is telling me I have to be super cool, non emotional and definitely not physical when I speak to my soon to be ex wife when I reveal to her I know about her philandering. She is saying that if I am not, she can get a court order protection against me that would require that I leave the house. Question, How do I protect myself from her lying that I did something in order to get a court order? Can I tape the conversation?, should I have a 3rd party present? I need some swift and logical advice on this one. I have a call to my lawyer today where I will ask this question, but I would like to here what my clan in cyberspace have to say.

 

Thank you all for you calming influence throughout this. Being able to vent has been very therapeautic.

 

 

1. You can inform the school of his actions, that is if he teaches in a public school. You can also inform his wife about him screwing your wife, just before you tell wifey, but tell his wife after you tell your daughters, so when he's getting his, STBXW will be getting hers.

 

2. Now on to 2, can you have your Lawyer present when you drop the BOMB on her?! At the same time have your Lawyer hand her the Divorce papers!

 

3. The look on her face, PRICELESS!:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

Well, obviously I'm a little late. Anyway, I pray that you'll be better off in the morning. God Bless You!

[Lookingforward]

Glad to hear you're still standing after all this, Leo.

 

It certainly sounds like you managed the element of surprise....

 

Hang in there, we'll be here for you when you're ready.....

[torranceshipman]

Your handling this so well Leo and we're all on your side here...lots of words of support whenever you're ready to hear them

[81West]

My soon to be ex is embarrassed and has not come out of her room since Thursday night at 10:00 p.m.

 

This is a big one that should give you immense satisfaction, if such a thing can be had in such a grim situation. I found LS as a cut loose and devastated single OW in an emotional affair with a married man. I turned here for help because I am still hopelessly grieving the events after 18 months and because just about every element of my experience would cause me embarassment were I to try to seek support and insight in my real life. It's quite a heap of Karma when you have to acknowledge that to yourself and a profoundly difficult thing to square with the other emotions that are present. Above all, it's very isolating. I think I can say with some confidence that your wife is not in a happy place right now.

 

I'm so glad you have the love and support of your daughters who sound like very loving, mature and balanced young women. I hope you're proud of that achievement.

 

You've done everything right since June 21 and I wish you continued wisdom as your situation evolves. Avoid hubris only, and I'm sure you'll make the right decisions. The thoughts of many here are with you.

 

Hugs,

Me

[torranceshipman]

Possibly the most dignified thread I've ever seen on LoveShack...!

[Nomad1]

Neitzche was right in suggesting that pain and suffering is the ultimate spur of human development. He also so said what doesn't kill us makes us better. You have kept your dignity by remaining calm but decisive. Many people would have become totally irrational and said disrespectful things. When we disrespect others, we disrespect ourselves and it leaves a bad taste. You are a very strong man. Your STBXW will probably not be able to cope as well as you have. Respect to you man!

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[Gunny376]

I'm a Johnny-Come-Lately to this thread, and I agree that you've handled this situation with the up-most dignity, respect, and honor of any man that I've ever heard of.

 

And while I've not the entire thread, I have read each and all of your post through-out your thread.

 

I am struck with how you've taken into consideration the throughts and feelings of others and have put them before your own, (your DD's and In-Laws) and how you sculpted your past, present and perceived future into a solid reality.

 

You don't seem to be vindictive ~ just ready to move on and forward in and with your life. And, that's a "Good Thing"

 

The following isn't "advice" but for you to take into consideration.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t157252/

 

Mind you I'm not necessary advocating any and all of this, I posted it to let folks know how "nasty" things can get when it comes to divorce.

 

and in regards to your DD's you were right to address the issue before addressing it with the DD's.

 

Your thread should become a "Stickey" in the infedlity section! You've shown super-human self-discipline and self-control in a very difficult situation.

 

You Sir, are a man of Honor, Integrity, Substance, and Characther!

 

My call on the STBXW? She's got emotional issues that are beyond repair without years upon years of counseling. That is to say ~ it wasn't you, never was you. Not to say that you faultless ~ but you certainly didn't deserve this?

[Alady]

((((Leo))))

 

I know you must be feeling many different emotions now. You did what you set out to do and now are left with the fallout. I'm so glad you have the support of your daughters. I hope you know that you have the support of those of us here whose hearts you have touched with your honestly and integrity.

 

Where ever this takes you, I hope for the best for you.

[Leo822]

Thank you all for your kind words over the course of this saga. I haven't had the energy to put my thoughts and emotions into words until last night. I typed for 2 straight hours and then edited as well. When I clicked to submit on this site there was a transmission error and everything I typed was lost. It was 1:30 a.m. and I was so terribly frustrated that I just went to bed. I am trying again now. I will cut and paste what I have typed to a word document as a backup in case the transmission fails to go through again. Please excuse my ramblings and potential disjointed thoughts in this post. It has been a trying 2 1/2 days.

 

I arrived home in NH from upstate NY Thursday evening. I was greeted with my daughters being home and their mother absent as has been the case lately. I told them I needed to speak with them privately and would they join me at one of my favorite places in the area. We drove down to a public access dock by a large bay near us. It overlooks an inland estuary that is rife with wildlife and scenic views. The energy there is so calming and it is a place where I love to greet the morning when I am back in NH. They both appeared nervous and I told them that everything is okay and that no one is ill. I told them I love them unconditionally. I stated " I don't know if you are aware of this but your mother is involved in a relationship with another man and they are planning to get married. This has broken our marriage vows and I going to tell her I am divorcing her and that I want her to leave our home as soon as possible". This was undoubtedly the toughest thing I have ever had to do. To tell these 2 sweet angels that the security and familial womb that has kept them safe and warm is about to be transformed.

 

With tears in their eyes they both asked me if it was xxxx, the music teacher. I told them yes and asked them what they knew. My eldest said that she had been driving around on at least 3 occassions and spotted my wife's car and that the music man was driving the vehicle with my wife in the passenger seat. She said it appeared as if they were a couple by the way they interacted from her vantage point behind them. My youngest said she became suspicious when she noticed my wife's new found, near obsessive interest in sending text messages at all hours of the day. She said she would laugh and smile at incoming text messages and tell her that it was nothing when questioned on what was in the text and who was it from. My youngest said that her mom was acting like a 17 year old teenager in love for the first time.

 

I told the girls that "we will always be bonded together as a family and that no matter what, it is our duty to look out for each other as we always have and forevermore. I will always love your mother for bringing into this world you 2 beautiful human beings, but I can no longer love her as my wife". I told them that I will not leave her destitute but I will not be dividing our marital assets equitably since she committed adultery. I told them that I want this divorce to be an amiable one and that if possible we come out the other side as friends. I do not a War of the Roses style divorce. I said that I had set up a separate bank account and transfered my paycheck direct deposit to go to this account. I left your mother with $13K in the bank and that I will take over any household accounts that are currently in her name.

 

My girls responded wonderfully. They were angry at their mother for breaking the family trust and for doing to me what their Aunt had done 2 years ago to their Uncle, my wife's brother. They were and are naturally concerned for their mom's well being and are afraid she will be homeless. I told them that unless she goes on a drug/gambling binge it is infeasible for her to be destitute after she gets her share of the asset division. They told me that I am doing the right thing and to stick to my guns and don't back down. I gave them $100 to go out to dinner and a movie, so that I could go back home and have a private conversation with their mother. They both gave me an extended hug, a kiss, and told me they love me and to not blame yourself for her indefensible actions.

 

I began the short drive home, reflecting on my conversation with my daughters and how special it made me feel and how proud I am of them. As I drove I looked at my hands literally shaking from apprehension. I was so nervous I felt like vomiting. I decided the best course of action was to treat the upcoming reveal like a bandaid. Just rip it off in one quick burst and it will hurt but not forever

 

I got home and my wife greeted me in her normal nonchalance manner. She was speaking to me and I could not hear a word coming out her mouth. I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and went into the bathroom where I chugged it in one fast gulp like I was a frat boy at homecoming. I came out of the bathroom, grabbed another beer and went on to the porch where she was sitting. The sky rumbled thunder and it began to rain gently, a surreal, symbolic gift from god. She started in telling me about her day and what she had planned for the 4th. I felt the words flow by my face without any recognition of meaning. I grabbed the bandaid in my mind and ripped it off. I said " I know that you are having an affair with xxxx and I am not okay with it and I am divorcing you for adultery". I said it, I really just said it. I felt a wave of tension and angst leave my body. The shoe was now on the other foot. I was free from my secret and from here on out I can follow a path out of the darkness into a new world of light and happiness.

 

She looked like she had been hit by a foul ball at the local ballpark. She pulled at her chin like she does when she is nervous and said "What do you know?, we are just writing a song together". I then revealed to her my capture of their voluminous emails and text messages professing lost loved from a past life found, pornographic passion, and plans for the future. I told her how hurt I was by this and that I think it is the honorable thing if she moved out as soon as possible. I reiterated what I said to my daughters, that " I will always love you as the mother of our 2 beautiful daughters, but I can no longer love you as my wife". I told her, "I want this to be amiable and would like us to remain friends, I don't want this to turn into The War of the Roses".

 

She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her I was not and had not throughout the course of our marriage, unlike what she has done currently and in the past when our daughters where little girls. I recanted to her how this spring at work a woman was making unwanted sexual advances towards me and that I told her to stop. When she continued to call me at all hours day and night, I reported her to her supervisor. She stopped. This, I told my wife, is how a married person should conduct themselves when faced with advances from outside the marriage.

 

She then told me she felt scewered by me and that I seemed relieved that this is happening. I replied that "I am the one who has been scewered by you, I am just calmer because I have been living with this secret for 2 weeks and that I am relieved that it is in the open". I told her " I have retained a lawyer to represent me, I have taken my name off of our joint account and left you with $13K in the bank to make a fresh start, I will take over responsibility for any household accounts that have her name as the account holder, you will have to pay for your own gas, cellphone and music lessons including the girls music lessons. You need to retain a lawyer immediately so we can begin the negotiations for dividing our assets. It will not be equitable due to your adultery, but I won't leave you destitute and homeless".

 

She now railed against me at how alone she has been for the past 7 years since the girls were in middle school, while I have been out nuturing a high paying career, she has maintained the household with no credit. She cried "how am I supposed to support myself, I have a crappy sales job at an art gallery and the economy sucks, how am I supposed to find a job that supports me?". I reminded her that she has a college degree in communications (she is terrible at communicating with me though) and she should have thought of this before embarking on her dangerous path. I told that based upon her communications with the music man it seemed that they had this all planned out and that he was going to be there for her and their new future together. I told her, "it was not my decision for you not to come to Germany at the beginning of my assignment there and it was not my decision to have you leave 1 year early from Germany because you did not like living there, thus leaving me all alone in Europe". I told her, "it was not my decision for you and the girls not to join me in my new work location when I returned from Germany, leaving me with the responsibility to drive 1,000 miles every week for 3 1/2 years to see my family on the weekends and I am repayed for that dedication by you having an affair because you are lonely, did you ever consider reaching out to me?, no, your tact to satisfy your needs was to move out of our marital bedroom 2 1/2 years ago when I told you to leave me alone during an argument and then to look for love outside the marriage!".

 

I told her that I accept share of the responsibility for my actions that led to our distance and that I don't hate her and have no visions of confronting the music man. I simply don't love her as my wife anymore and I want to start over while I am still young enough to do so. I again told her to get a lawyer to represent her interests and that I want us to remain friends and for this to be an amiable dissolution of our marriage.

 

She began crying and left the porch. She placed a phone call to her brother. The one whose wife had an affair 2 years ago while still married. The one who my ex wife had said had been wronged horribly by his ex wife and how she would never do that, that she would have the decency and respect for her husband to end the marriage first before having new relationship. How hypocritical is that? She cried on the phone to him for 2 hours and then went to her separate bedroom and closed the door.

 

I have not spoken to her since Thursday night at 10:00 p.m. when our discussion ended. She has been holed up in her room since except to go to work. On the 4th of July, I came down in the morning and she was in the kitchen. I said good morning and was met with a hostile glare and silence. I went to walk the beach for awhile and then play golf. When I return home I was greeted with her footsteps going up the stairs to her bedroom and a slam of the door. She is playing the victim, which is her pattern and frankly delusional and annoying. I BBQ steak tips, made a pasta salad, and corn on the cob for dinner. I asked the girls to bring her a plate of food and to eat dinner with her in her room. I sat by the pool alone watching the dusk fall to darkness and listen to the building crescendo of fireworks rise into the air. She remained in her bedroom throughout the remainder of the night.

 

Saturday morning, I came downstairs and she was gone off to work at the art gallery. I was greeted with her dirty dishes on the counter and a pile of dog crap on the kitchen floor. Our rule in the house is whoever finds it first cleans it up. She left it for me, a message of contempt I feel. I found my cellphone on the couch and opened it. She had gone into my text messages and deleted all of the incriminating text messages between her lover and her that I had stored on my cell phone. A pointless action, my lawyers has the emails and texts messages and I have them backed up on my email, which she has no access to. I found it curious that when I went into her accounts to gather information, I never deleted anything, but she feels she has the right to go into my cellphone and delete everything. Not cool. She is making some big mistakes and had better changed her attitude or she will be spending alot of her marital assets on lawyer fees.

 

I left in the early evening to walk the beach again. I left a note telling her where I was and what the girls where up to and signed it love, R. This morning she left me a note that the dogs where fed and that she was at work. No love, S. Sublte messages of denial or lack of respect.

 

A buddy called me last night who I have confided in. He wanted to take me out for a drink. I met him by the beach and he took me to a gentlemen's club by the ocean, where we laughed and relaxed. I had not been to one in 15 years. I was at least in the company of woman who pretended that they liked me which is more than I can say for my soon to be ex wife.

 

In times of stress and life events, we all find songs to help us cope. My daughters have turned me on to the world of iTunes. Below is my divorce playlist. It is called "Dad in Time"

 

Best of You/Foo Fighters

Send Her My Love/Journey

Fall to Pieces/Velvet Revolver

Someone to Call My Lover/Janet Jackson

Leave The Pieces/Dixie Chicks

Everybody's Talkin/Harry Nilsson

Home/Blake Shelton

Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix

Crash Into Me/Dave Matthews Band

My All/Mariah Carey

Round Here/Counting Crows

I Don't Care Anymore/Phil Collins

Leave (Get Out)/Jo Jo

Better Days/Goo Goo Dolls

Champagne Supernova/Oasis

Say/John Mayer

Black Ballon/Goo Goo Dolls

Slither/Velvet Revolver

 

I find solace in these songs, check them out sometime. Thank you all cyberangels for your wisdom and compassion. I will write more as this darkness turns to light.

[sfsassy]

Thank you all for your kind words over the course of this saga. I haven't had the energy to put my thoughts and emotions into words until last night. I typed for 2 straight hours and then edited as well. When I clicked to submit on this site there was a transmission error and everything I typed was lost. It was 1:30 a.m. and I was so terribly frustrated that I just went to bed. I am trying again now. I will cut and paste what I have typed to a word document as a backup in case the transmission fails to go through again. Please excuse my ramblings and potential disjointed thoughts in this post. It has been a trying 2 1/2 days.

 

I arrived home in NH from upstate NY Thursday evening. I was greeted with my daughters being home and their mother absent as has been the case lately. I told them I needed to speak with them privately and would they join me at one of my favorite places in the area. We drove down to a public access dock by a large bay near us. It overlooks an inland estuary that is rife with wildlife and scenic views. The energy there is so calming and it is a place where I love to greet the morning when I am back in NH. They both appeared nervous and I told them that everything is okay and that no one is ill. I told them I love them unconditionally. I stated " I don't know if you are aware of this but your mother is involved in a relationship with another man and they are planning to get married. This has broken our marriage vows and I going to tell her I am divorcing her and that I want her to leave our home as soon as possible". This was undoubtedly the toughest thing I have ever had to do. To tell these 2 sweet angels that the security and familial womb that has kept them safe and warm is about to be transformed.

 

With tears in their eyes they both asked me if it was xxxx, the music teacher. I told them yes and asked them what they knew. My eldest said that she had been driving around on at least 3 occassions and spotted my wife's car and that the music man was driving the vehicle with my wife in the passenger seat. She said it appeared as if they were a couple by the way they interacted from her vantage point behind them. My youngest said she became suspicious when she noticed my wife's new found, near obsessive interest in sending text messages at all hours of the day. She said she would laugh and smile at incoming text messages and tell her that it was nothing when questioned on what was in the text and who was it from. My youngest said that her mom was acting like a 17 year old teenager in love for the first time.

 

I told the girls that "we will always be bonded together as a family and that no matter what, it is our duty to look out for each other as we always have and forevermore. I will always love your mother for bringing into this world you 2 beautiful human beings, but I can no longer love her as my wife". I told them that I will not leave her destitute but I will not be dividing our marital assets equitably since she committed adultery. I told them that I want this divorce to be an amiable one and that if possible we come out the other side as friends. I do not a War of the Roses style divorce. I said that I had set up a separate bank account and transfered my paycheck direct deposit to go to this account. I left your mother with $13K in the bank and that I will take over any household accounts that are currently in her name.

 

My girls responded wonderfully. They were angry at their mother for breaking the family trust and for doing to me what their Aunt had done 2 years ago to their Uncle, my wife's brother. They were and are naturally concerned for their mom's well being and are afraid she will be homeless. I told them that unless she goes on a drug/gambling binge it is infeasible for her to be destitute after she gets her share of the asset division. They told me that I am doing the right thing and to stick to my guns and don't back down. I gave them $100 to go out to dinner and a movie, so that I could go back home and have a private conversation with their mother. They both gave me an extended hug, a kiss, and told me they love me and to not blame yourself for her indefensible actions.

 

I began the short drive home, reflecting on my conversation with my daughters and how special it made me feel and how proud I am of them. As I drove I looked at my hands literally shaking from apprehension. I was so nervous I felt like vomiting. I decided the best course of action was to treat the upcoming reveal like a bandaid. Just rip it off in one quick burst and it will hurt but not forever

 

I got home and my wife greeted me in her normal nonchalance manner. She was speaking to me and I could not hear a word coming out her mouth. I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and went into the bathroom where I chugged it in one fast gulp like I was a frat boy at homecoming. I came out of the bathroom, grabbed another beer and went on to the porch where she was sitting. The sky rumbled thunder and it began to rain gently, a surreal, symbolic gift from god. She started in telling me about her day and what she had planned for the 4th. I felt the words flow by my face without any recognition of meaning. I grabbed the bandaid in my mind and ripped it off. I said " I know that you are having an affair with xxxx and I am not okay with it and I am divorcing you for adultery". I said it, I really just said it. I felt a wave of tension and angst leave my body. The shoe was now on the other foot. I was free from my secret and from here on out I can follow a path out of the darkness into a new world of light and happiness.

 

She looked like she had been hit by a foul ball at the local ballpark. She pulled at her chin like she does when she is nervous and said "What do you know?, we are just writing a song together". I then revealed to her my capture of their voluminous emails and text messages professing lost loved from a past life found, pornographic passion, and plans for the future. I told her how hurt I was by this and that I think it is the honorable thing if she moved out as soon as possible. I reiterated what I said to my daughters, that " I will always love you as the mother of our 2 beautiful daughters, but I can no longer love you as my wife". I told her, "I want this to be amiable and would like us to remain friends, I don't want this to turn into The War of the Roses".

 

She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her I was not and had not throughout the course of our marriage, unlike what she has done currently and in the past when our daughters where little girls. I recanted to her how this spring at work a woman was making unwanted sexual advances towards me and that I told her to stop. When she continued to call me at all hours day and night, I reported her to her supervisor. She stopped. This, I told my wife, is how a married person should conduct themselves when faced with advances from outside the marriage.

 

She then told me she felt scewered by me and that I seemed relieved that this is happening. I replied that "I am the one who has been scewered by you, I am just calmer because I have been living with this secret for 2 weeks and that I am relieved that it is in the open". I told her " I have retained a lawyer to represent me, I have taken my name off of our joint account and left you with $13K in the bank to make a fresh start, I will take over responsibility for any household accounts that have her name as the account holder, you will have to pay for your own gas, cellphone and music lessons including the girls music lessons. You need to retain a lawyer immediately so we can begin the negotiations for dividing our assets. It will not be equitable due to your adultery, but I won't leave you destitute and homeless".

 

She now railed against me at how alone she has been for the past 7 years since the girls were in middle school, while I have been out nuturing a high paying career, she has maintained the household with no credit. She cried "how am I supposed to support myself, I have a crappy sales job at an art gallery and the economy sucks, how am I supposed to find a job that supports me?". I reminded her that she has a college degree in communications (she is terrible at communicating with me though) and she should have thought of this before embarking on her dangerous path. I told that based upon her communications with the music man it seemed that they had this all planned out and that he was going to be there for her and their new future together. I told her, "it was not my decision for you not to come to Germany at the beginning of my assignment there and it was not my decision to have you leave 1 year early from Germany because you did not like living there, thus leaving me all alone in Europe". I told her, "it was not my decision for you and the girls not to join me in my new work location when I returned from Germany, leaving me with the responsibility to drive 1,000 miles every week for 3 1/2 years to see my family on the weekends and I am repayed for that dedication by you having an affair because you are lonely, did you ever consider reaching out to me?, no, your tact to satisfy your needs was to move out of our marital bedroom 2 1/2 years ago when I told you to leave me alone during an argument and then to look for love outside the marriage!".

 

I told her that I accept share of the responsibility for my actions that led to our distance and that I don't hate her and have no visions of confronting the music man. I simply don't love her as my wife anymore and I want to start over while I am still young enough to do so. I again told her to get a lawyer to represent her interests and that I want us to remain friends and for this to be an amiable dissolution of our marriage.

 

She began crying and left the porch. She placed a phone call to her brother. The one whose wife had an affair 2 years ago while still married. The one who my ex wife had said had been wronged horribly by his ex wife and how she would never do that, that she would have the decency and respect for her husband to end the marriage first before having new relationship. How hypocritical is that? She cried on the phone to him for 2 hours and then went to her separate bedroom and closed the door.

 

I have not spoken to her since Thursday night at 10:00 p.m. when our discussion ended. She has been holed up in her room since except to go to work. On the 4th of July, I came down in the morning and she was in the kitchen. I said good morning and was met with a hostile glare and silence. I went to walk the beach for awhile and then play golf. When I return home I was greeted with her footsteps going up the stairs to her bedroom and a slam of the door. She is playing the victim, which is her pattern and frankly delusional and annoying. I BBQ steak tips, made a pasta salad, and corn on the cob for dinner. I asked the girls to bring her a plate of food and to eat dinner with her in her room. I sat by the pool alone watching the dusk fall to darkness and listen to the building crescendo of fireworks rise into the air. She remained in her bedroom throughout the remainder of the night.

 

Saturday morning, I came downstairs and she was gone off to work at the art gallery. I was greeted with her dirty dishes on the counter and a pile of dog crap on the kitchen floor. Our rule in the house is whoever finds it first cleans it up. She left it for me, a message of contempt I feel. I found my cellphone on the couch and opened it. She had gone into my text messages and deleted all of the incriminating text messages between her lover and her that I had stored on my cell phone. A pointless action, my lawyers has the emails and texts messages and I have them backed up on my email, which she has no access to. I found it curious that when I went into her accounts to gather information, I never deleted anything, but she feels she has the right to go into my cellphone and delete everything. Not cool. She is making some big mistakes and had better changed her attitude or she will be spending alot of her marital assets on lawyer fees.

 

I left in the early evening to walk the beach again. I left a note telling her where I was and what the girls where up to and signed it love, R. This morning she left me a note that the dogs where fed and that she was at work. No love, S. Sublte messages of denial or lack of respect.

 

A buddy called me last night who I have confided in. He wanted to take me out for a drink. I met him by the beach and he took me to a gentlemen's club by the ocean, where we laughed and relaxed. I had not been to one in 15 years. I was at least in the company of woman who pretended that they liked me which is more than I can say for my soon to be ex wife.

 

In times of stress and life events, we all find songs to help us cope. My daughters have turned me on to the world of iTunes. Below is my divorce playlist. It is called "Dad in Time"

 

Best of You/Foo Fighters

Send Her My Love/Journey

Fall to Pieces/Velvet Revolver

Someone to Call My Lover/Janet Jackson

Leave The Pieces/Dixie Chicks

Everybody's Talkin/Harry Nilsson

Home/Blake Shelton

Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix

Crash Into Me/Dave Matthews Band

My All/Mariah Carey

Round Here/Counting Crows

I Don't Care Anymore/Phil Collins

Leave (Get Out)/Jo Jo

Better Days/Goo Goo Dolls

Champagne Supernova/Oasis

Say/John Mayer

Black Ballon/Goo Goo Dolls

Slither/Velvet Revolver

 

I find solace in these songs, check them out sometime. Thank you all cyberangels for your wisdom and compassion. I will write more as this darkness turns to light.

 

I am so proud of you! I have listened to Say like a hundred times for my situation, though luckily, it is the opposite kind of this one. You seem like a great, dignified man. I loved what you said to your daughters. Their mom will always be their mom, and they will have to find a way to reconcile her behavior with the fact that she is her mom and loves them very much I'm sure.

Your wife? Wow. I have heard similar stories, but mainly from older female friends about their husbands. One of my best female is going through the exact opposite. Where the man who was the breadwinner cheated, and is acting like she was the one who did the wrong doing. Your STBX needs serious help. Not that you were perfect, but geez, And complaining about her salary? There is just no excuse for her behavior. She could have divorced you, but I have a feeling she really liked the lifestyle you provided for her.

I have a couple of questions. I know you don't want your STBX living in your marital house, but what is going to happen in terms of your youngest? She is 15 right? Is she going to live with you, or mom? Just make sure that whatever you decide in terms of your wife, your kids are taken care of. (In the case of my friend, her STBX threatened not to pay for their daughter's last year of college, which they always agreed they would do and which he had more than enough money to do. ) As much as possible try to keep up whatever financial promises you made to your daughters is what I'm getting at. (And I'm sure you know this!)

 

I have a sneaky feeling, she was deleting the texts so you wouldn't show her brother. I am betting that she really didn't tell him the whole story. She doesn't seem rational enough to be thinking about the longterm legal aspects of it all either.

Just one word of caution. I know you want to be friends after all of this is over. I totally understand as at times you will HAVE to see her, and she is the mother of your exceptional daughters. However, in the end you may find that the best you can hope for is the role of cooperative coparents. I see this getting messy, not because of you, but because of her childish behavior, and just want you to remember to stick to your principles, and worry most about the emotional health of your kids, and mantaining a coparent relationship.

Ok, off my soap box! Congrats on taking the first step. I am so happy about your daughters' rreactions and wish you, and your daughters, nothing but the best during these trying times. And I wish wisdom for your STBX, so she can get her life in order.