ricardotorero Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Hi It is 10 weeks since I learnt of my partners affair. I was aware that there was emotional involvement some weeks prior to discovering it had been physical on 2 occasions. Her affair lasted about 3 months and finished 4 months prior to me finding out. I have read and acted on advice, and she has done all that she can over the past weeks to reassure me and I have no doubt that she loves me. However I am concerned that I should not be at this stage of recovery, where I feel reasonable confident of the future and feel I have come to terms with both her actions and my role in the relationship prior to her affair, after only 10 weeks. I know everyone is different and average recovery doesn't mean anything, I'm just a little concerned that it is too soon. Any advice or personal perspectives?
Owl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 You're right, everyone's timeline can differ from person to person, situation to situation. Something else to consider...you're STILL on the rollercoaster ride you've been on since you found out. The difference is the speed at which you're going through it has reduced tremendously. Instead of having ups and downs within minutes of each other, or hours of each other, you're now reaching a point where the period is in days/weeks. You're still going to have ups and downs, just not as high/low, and not nearly as often/close together. Are the two of you in marriage counseling?
Abused&Confused Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I wish my husband recovered as fast as you. It has been 4 1/2 monthas since my affair. I am assuring him in everyway that I am so sorry for what I did, I promise never to do that again cuz I my self regret it so much. I am serving him hand and foot to prove to him I love him, and he knows my every moves.... that is my husband. When he first found out about the affair,, he went into initial shock. He cried, punched a hole in the wall, kept prying the truth out of me... soon after he did everything in his power to make me happy. We did things we didnt do ever. All the love I needed from him prior to the affair, he now gave me... Then it turned into, he loves me SOOOO much, but I would get a slap here and there (but I took the abuse cuz I understood what he was going thru) BUT, if I messed up in any way (ie... missed his phone call, or fell asleep at night if he was still up), It was over, I had to leave... but then I would get up and leave and he would run after me. Then it turned into resentment, "he doesn't love me and he can 't live this way just thinking about the affair". He asked me to leave.. no more anger just, leave when u r ready and I will give u the divorce. I fought and fought and still fighting. He hasn't told me he loves me since April.... cuz we have been going thru this rollercoaster. But I believe he is coming around. Forgive me he did, forget... he will never forget. And its hard, to meet his needs but it is somthing I must do. We have been together for 14 years, married 11 with 1 daughter. Right now, he has his moments when he looks at me with them eyes of anger... but he still talks to me about our home, future plans he has, we go out and do things together as a couple. We'll hold each other at night... 2 days ago, he told me I was beautiful, last night he woke up just to kiss me and tell me to promise him that I will never kiss no one else ever. I beleive thats a start to him recovering. I guess my point is, every one is different, everyone recovers different. Can you honestly say that you trust her already? Can she go to the store on her own and u not have crazy emotions going thru your mind? All I can say is that there are different kind of cheaters. Neither are right. Some cheat to just have a good time with someone else and they will keep doing it as long as they can get away with it and u let them. I cheated cuz I went thru 14 years of abuse, physical and emotional. I lacked loved for years.... i guess I was ready to move on but since I had low sel esteem, I just wanted reassurance that I would be loved by someone else. The affair help me realize that my husband does in fact love me. I should have never cheated, instead I should have come to him and be more open with my feelings. But cheating is somthing I will never do again... especially after seeing how badly I hurt him. Hopefully now we can move on and continue our lives together. Good Luck to you.
Screwedover Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Ricardo, I'm sorry to say it but I think you are just going thru a good spell. My guess is that you are on a "high" part of the roller coaster. I hope I am wrong, but I am probably not. You have a long road ahead of you. I am 2.5 YEARS into recovery and I still get furious, scream, cry and throw things. And I am a very calm and rational person. The hard times get farther and fewer between, though. I will say that. Abused&Confused, 4.5 months is nothing. NO.THING. You have a long road ahead of you and your spouse does, too. Your husband IS going to be angry, sad, depressed, etc., probably for a long time to come. You have a long ways to go and I suggest you learn some patience, and perhaps even decide whether you can survive this storm you created. I seriously doubt he has forgiven you in 4 short months. And then there's this: Why anyone would put up with abuse for that long is unbelievable. Your cheating aside, he doesn't exactly sound like a man to stick around for. You sound so sad and tortured. Have you thought about moving on? You are responsible for allowing others to abuse you. Please think about what's best for you. No one deserves to be abused or to have love withheld.
twice_shy Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hi It is 10 weeks since I learnt of my partners affair. I was aware that there was emotional involvement some weeks prior to discovering it had been physical on 2 occasions. Her affair lasted about 3 months and finished 4 months prior to me finding out. I have read and acted on advice, and she has done all that she can over the past weeks to reassure me and I have no doubt that she loves me. However I am concerned that I should not be at this stage of recovery, where I feel reasonable confident of the future and feel I have come to terms with both her actions and my role in the relationship prior to her affair, after only 10 weeks. I know everyone is different and average recovery doesn't mean anything, I'm just a little concerned that it is too soon. Any advice or personal perspectives? Ricardo, if I have one bit of advice for you it is this: DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL. You will regret it. She cheated on you during your engagement. What do you think is going to happen when the marriage starts to get old and she is with the same guy for too long? She'll get bored and will be looking for new meat to ride. Realize that your relationship isn't even at the marriage stage yet and already she is out doing another guy. Its not too late to call off the wedding. Find someone who respects you enough to not cheat and someone that is worthy of respect themselves.
twice_shy Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I wish my husband recovered as fast as you. It has been 4 1/2 monthas since my affair. I am assuring him in everyway that I am so sorry for what I did, I promise never to do that again cuz I my self regret it so much. I am serving him hand and foot to prove to him I love him, and he knows my every moves.... that is my husband. When he first found out about the affair,, he went into initial shock. He cried, punched a hole in the wall, kept prying the truth out of me... soon after he did everything in his power to make me happy. Which he shouldn't have to bend over backwards to do. That burden should lie with you. We did things we didnt do ever. All the love I needed from him prior to the affair, he now gave me... So you thinking your cheating was a good thing? Then it turned into, he loves me SOOOO much, but I would get a slap here and there (but I took the abuse cuz I understood what he was going thru) By slap are you referring to a tongue lashing, or a physical slap? As much as I hate cheaters, NOBODY needs to take physical abuse. BUT, if I messed up in any way (ie... missed his phone call, or fell asleep at night if he was still up), It was over, I had to leave sounds perfectly reasonable. ... but then I would get up and leave and he would run after me. Why were you leaving? Did you mess up as stated above hence you would have to leave? Then it turned into resentment, "he doesn't love me and he can 't live this way just thinking about the affair". He asked me to leave.. no more anger just, leave when u r ready and I will give u the divorce. Sounds all too familiar. The order of operations is flawless here. I fought and fought and still fighting. He hasn't told me he loves me since April.... cuz we have been going thru this rollercoaster. But I believe he is coming around. Forgive me he did, forget... he will never forget. How do you know he forgave you? I am willing to bet those words came out of his mouth, but deep down, I think he really hasn't. I bet there is alot of resentment there. And its hard, to meet his needs but it is somthing I must do. We have been together for 14 years, married 11 with 1 daughter. Right now, he has his moments when he looks at me with them eyes of anger... but he still talks to me about our home, future plans he has, we go out and do things together as a couple. We'll hold each other at night... 2 days ago, he told me I was beautiful, last night he woke up just to kiss me and tell me to promise him that I will never kiss no one else ever. I beleive thats a start to him recovering. Could be, but then again...or its him simply overcompensating...possibly feeling inadequate in himself because you felt the need to cheat. I guess my point is, every one is different, everyone recovers different. You are correct there. My recover was only possible with one scenario: divorce. Some cheat to just have a good time with someone else and they will keep doing it as long as they can get away with it and u let them. I cheated cuz I went thru 14 years of abuse, physical and emotional. Then why didn't you leave? emotional is one thing...but physical? Again, nobody needs to put up with that. And if you endured physical abuse, well geez....by cheating, don't you think at some point by doing that you poured gasoline on a brush fire? But cheating is somthing I will never do again... especially after seeing how badly I hurt him. Now how can you say that when you justified why you cheated in the first place? If he returns to those behaviors, and you don't feel loved or ignored, you don't think you won't go out looking for that validation again?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Richard should definitely not marry this girl if she cheats before the engagement she'll do it again when she's married. right then and there should have been the dealbreaker. If she didnt get help for her issues why are you still dealing with her?
mark982 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 yrs. ago. i was engaged to a girl. i took of down south for a job(temp)promised she'd be a good girl. wrong!! she cheated on me and had no problem cashing my pay checks.i found out about it, and STILL married her.ya i'm a idiot. damn if she didn't cheat again w/ in 8 months. buddy DO NOT marry this girl. put your track shoes on, and run fast.
ate_the_paint Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Listen to these guys. I'm going through a breakup with my fiance for almost the same reasons...thank your lucky stars this happened before the wedding and not after. She cannot be trusted. Wow. I thought the bride to be was supposed to be in super wedding-planning mode and controlling every aspect of things so her big day is perfect. That is a sign of a woman who is getting ready to marry you! But if she kind of puts things off and doesn't like to talk about it and screws another guy...well, that is a sign of a woman who is NOT ready to marry you!
Author ricardotorero Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Hi Not sure where the old thread was dragged up from, thought it vanished in the loss of threads last week. So, to update the thread, I have not left and since I posted this thread the dip has begun, probably posting the thread was sign of issues raising again. Oh and to those who are concerned about the marriage - it is off. Ricardo
Author ricardotorero Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I woke up to the fact that she is unable to think more than 2-3 months ahead and bases her life on what is easiest and best for her through that period of time. I now realise that she lied to him as he didn't know we were engaged. I haven't left the house as I have to be 100% sure I get this right as I have a 3 year old
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Good you dont leave the house. Dont you move an inch. There ways I see this if you dont own the house, you need to go to a lawyer asap! Find out how to work custody out for your child. I'm sorry it came to this but most women these days are not veryu good long term marriage material. They dont have the emotional maturity meant to deal with a marraige and commitment. But look at it this way: Better that you know about her ways and attitude nows before you were legally entangled with her, most women who divorce get 50% of what the man earns and they came in with nothing! that's ridiculous and I will never be in that poistion.
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