ate_the_paint Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My fiance (gf of 6 years) just up and left me one day with no explanation. It was an emotional day! First she had came to me crying, saying she didn't want to get married (3 months before the wedding...invites ordered, dress paid for, hall booked, etc.). The next day we had a romantic (and passionate!) night at a beach bungalow and watched the sunrise. She was going out of town so I dropped her at the airport, we kissed goodbye, said our "I love you's.." and she got on the plane, turned her phone off, and cut me out. Two weeks later she came back and needless to say I was a wreck! We live(d) together and she was crying saying "I need to take a step back" and "I'm leaving" and kissing me and saying "I love you..I'm sorry" but she wouldn't tell me why! Of course I begged and pleaded and broke down but she left. All her clothes, shoes, etc. are still here with me. We share a townhouse. We own a car and two cats together. She called a couple of weeks later and was so cold and said "I'm not coming back" and "So many guys are trying to pick me up..it's great!" I learned later that she had become interested in a guy she worked with leading up to her leaving me (her job takes her away from home a lot). I got angry and packed up all her stuff into the spare room. I ignored all her calls and deleted her messages. I went NC on her for a month. She started calling mutual friends and asking if I'm dating anyone (they didn't say yes or no...but I'm not). Her calls to me got more frequent but I ignored them. The other day I answered her call. It went like this: * She was nervous and sheepish (I know her after six years) but trying to be light. * She didn't like that I had packed up her stuff and asked if it could stay here for a bit because she had nowhere for it to go. * She then mentioned that she had nowhere to go and tried to make a joke of it. * She asked if I was dating anyone but I didn't reply (I don't want to hear her side). * I asked if she was getting an apartment and she said no she doesn't know what she's doing right now. * She wants to come by next week but didn't say why. I asked her to call first. * She tried to make some jokes that I would laugh at. * And finally she tried to prolong the conversation with mundane topics until I politely let her go. The ball was definitely back in my court during that conversation. I hate to play these games. I DO want her back but not before I know what the hell happened two months ago! Does it sound like she wants back? Before I ask her if that's what she wants I need to be sure because I don't want to make a fool of myself again (and ruin all the hard work of NC). What are some opinions out there?
justine4 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Hi ATC, I does sound like she is doubting her decision to split, and is trying to get back into your life. Coming upto a wedding, a lot of people to strange things. Pre-wedding panic nerves. I know the day before I got married I rang my best friend and told him I couldn't go through with it. He persuaded me its normal for people to have doubts (I shouldn't have listened to him though as my hubby and I separated a few years ago!) Its very daunting, the thought of giving your whole life to someone, no matter how much you love that person, it really is a lifetime commitment. Maybe your ex felt the pressure and couldn't deal with it. The whole 'grass is greener on the other side, only to find it isn't' could we have come into play here. She was getting attention from other men (although why she mentioned it to you knowing it would hurt your feelings is a strange one). She has maybe started to realise how much she had with you, and having attention from other guys, whilst flattering, doesn't compare with having the one person who loves her more than anything. Please let us know how you get on. It really sounds very hopeful. Another way to look at it is that its better to get the 'blip' out of the way now, before you're married, than for her to go through with the wedding, and then regret it. I wish you the best of luck....
vivrantflo Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 She called a couple of weeks later and was so cold and said "I'm not coming back" and "So many guys are trying to pick me up..it's great!" If my girl of six years, and now fiancee told me this, 3 months before we were getting married.. I'd never talk to her ass ever again. I learned later that she had become interested in a guy she worked with leading up to her leaving me I went NC on her for a month. This should be your deal breaker right there. Her liking attention from other men in general before getting married, is forgivable.. cold feet etc.. but having interest in a specific guy is not acceptable.. If she was engaged to you, she made a commitment.. a lifelong one.. her becoming "interested" in someone else should never happen. She started calling mutual friends and asking if I'm dating anyone (they didn't say yes or no...but I'm not). Her calls to me got more frequent but I ignored them. As sad, and as painful as this is... you are now Plan B, and she wants to make sure you are still available to her. This chick is absolutely no good. And it breaks my heart reading this. * She was nervous and sheepish (I know her after six years) but trying to be light. * She didn't like that I had packed up her stuff and asked if it could stay here for a bit because she had nowhere for it to go. * She then mentioned that she had nowhere to go and tried to make a joke of it. * She asked if I was dating anyone but I didn't reply (I don't want to hear her side). * I asked if she was getting an apartment and she said no she doesn't know what she's doing right now. * She wants to come by next week but didn't say why. I asked her to call first. * She tried to make some jokes that I would laugh at. * And finally she tried to prolong the conversation with mundane topics until I politely let her go. Sorry bro.. no she doesn't want you back. There was nothing in any of those topics that indicated that she wants you. If she DID want you back.. instead of making stupid jokes about not having anywhere to live.. she'd be saying things like this... I made a HUGE mistake! I love you unconditionally, I was so stupid.. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.. I'm still in love with you, and I want to marry you.. Im so so sorry for breaking your heart, I'll do anything to gain your trust back. Those are the things you'd be hearing if she wanted you back. This chick is playing with your emotions...and I think you should give her back her stuff ASAP so you can go NC.. and as hard as it will be.. excrete her from your life. If you took her back man, she'd shop for another guy again. If she can be engaged, and then become "interested" in another man.. she has some issues.. commitment issues... What's worse is that she hasnt even shown any remorse!!!! Sorry man.. tell her to pick her stuff up ASAP, and go NC. She doesn't deserve you.
madgun68 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 On the surface, I would say that she is fishing to see if she can come back. In the very least, seems like she is checking to see if she has burned any bridges. My suggestion would be, if you are willing to accept her back, to meet with her someplace neutral and talk. Flat out ask her what she wants. (Don't meet at your place so you have the ability at any time to walk away.. And be prepared to hear anything.) Regardless of any of that.. Have you considered what issues you may have with her regarding TRUST? Are you going to be able to trust her and what is it going to take? This is something you really need to consider. (If you can't trust her again, it won't work.) Definitely keep the ball in your court at all times.
sid3 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I can't think of anything to add that V. didn't already say. His reply is the only one you should need to see it for what it is. At this point you should start taking care of you. Taking her back would not work well for you, you'd always have that doubt. IMHO
kladia Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If she couldn't communicate with you about her fears when you were engaged, how will she be able to communicate better when you're married? If she were to come back, at minimum you'd need to be getting TONS of premarital counseling to work on communication. As much as it hurts, you'd probably be better off just cutting all contact now than getting divorced 5, 10 whatever years down the line if she does decide to come back (and she might, but probably only if "so many guys stop trying to pick her up"). But I'd listen to Vivrantflo (actually, I'm not sure that I would, because I'd probably be too much of an emotional wreck if I were you...but that doesn't make his advice any less awesome). I've been lurking a while, and he's got a good head on his shoulders. I'm impressed that you've been so strong with NC! It's tough, and you deserve a pat on the back!
Confused9 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Hello OmarE, As much as I know you are hoping that she wants you back and trying to read in to everything she is saying...you need to realize that she isn't saying anything of the sort and if she wants you back...you need to make her work for it. She should be saying everything V says. I made a mistake. I love you, etc etc. I know how tramitizing this is. My x fiance (we actually were engaged 5 years ago today!) broke up with me in October and was extremely cruel. He got married to the OW two weeks ago and she is pregnant. I wanted him to come back so bad regardless of what he did because I loved him. But, I am beginning to realize the person I loved and fell in love with is not the person I thought he was. I heard this quote yesterday and things just snapped in my head. The villians in your life are really your greatest teachers. Because without them you wouldn't have learned the valueable lessons. The world works in mysterious ways. I honestly believe there is something out there for me that I wouldn't have found if I was with my x. And he is having a child - a child that him and I would not have made together. Perhaps, that was him purpose in meeting the OW? We weren't letting go of something that wasn't right...so the universe took control. I actually met with a pyschic years ago and she said 'you know you don't want to be with your b/f. He's not right for you.' She also told me I would lead him to his soulmate. Well, if it wasn't for me he would have never gone to a different state to work to pay for the wedding and he would have never met the OW. AS much as it hurts me that she may be his soulmate and he may live happlily ever after. I have accepted it. Now, it's my turn and the only person that can make me happy is me... Good luck in whatever you decide to do...
TrustInYourself Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 My fiance (gf of 6 years) just up and left me one day with no explanation. It was an emotional day! First she had came to me crying, saying she didn't want to get married (3 months before the wedding...invites ordered, dress paid for, hall booked, etc.). The next day we had a romantic (and passionate!) night at a beach bungalow and watched the sunrise. She was going out of town so I dropped her at the airport, we kissed goodbye, said our "I love you's.." and she got on the plane, turned her phone off, and cut me out. Two weeks later she came back and needless to say I was a wreck! We live(d) together and she was crying saying "I need to take a step back" and "I'm leaving" and kissing me and saying "I love you..I'm sorry" but she wouldn't tell me why! Of course I begged and pleaded and broke down but she left. All her clothes, shoes, etc. are still here with me. We share a townhouse. We own a car and two cats together. She called a couple of weeks later and was so cold and said "I'm not coming back" and "So many guys are trying to pick me up..it's great!" I learned later that she had become interested in a guy she worked with leading up to her leaving me (her job takes her away from home a lot). I got angry and packed up all her stuff into the spare room. I ignored all her calls and deleted her messages. I went NC on her for a month. She started calling mutual friends and asking if I'm dating anyone (they didn't say yes or no...but I'm not). Her calls to me got more frequent but I ignored them. The other day I answered her call. It went like this: * She was nervous and sheepish (I know her after six years) but trying to be light. * She didn't like that I had packed up her stuff and asked if it could stay here for a bit because she had nowhere for it to go. * She then mentioned that she had nowhere to go and tried to make a joke of it. * She asked if I was dating anyone but I didn't reply (I don't want to hear her side). * I asked if she was getting an apartment and she said no she doesn't know what she's doing right now. * She wants to come by next week but didn't say why. I asked her to call first. * She tried to make some jokes that I would laugh at. * And finally she tried to prolong the conversation with mundane topics until I politely let her go. The ball was definitely back in my court during that conversation. I hate to play these games. I DO want her back but not before I know what the hell happened two months ago! Does it sound like she wants back? Before I ask her if that's what she wants I need to be sure because I don't want to make a fool of myself again (and ruin all the hard work of NC). What are some opinions out there? Marriage is a lifelong, forever commitment. Sounds like cold feet.
bish Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Does it sound like she wants back? Before I ask her if that's what she wants I need to be sure because I don't want to make a fool of myself again (and ruin all the hard work of NC). What are some opinions out there? I don't know if she wants you back or not. All I can say is that if she does........DO NOT TAKE HER BACK!
CaliGuy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 My fiance (gf of 6 years) just up and left me one day with no explanation. It was an emotional day! and she got on the plane, turned her phone off, and cut me out. She called a couple of weeks later and was so cold and said "I'm not coming back" and "So many guys are trying to pick me up..it's great!" I learned later that she had become interested in a guy she worked with Does it sound like she wants back? Before I ask her if that's what she wants I need to be sure because I don't want to make a fool of myself again (and ruin all the hard work of NC). What are some opinions out there? All the most important things you need to remember I have bolded for you. You dated for six years, planned on getting married and yet she dropped all of your plans and history together for a fling with a guy from work. Do you really need an opinion? Isn't it obvious to you? She took you for granted and now she might be feeling some regret but if you take her back, especially soon, what's to stop her from doing this again? The simple fact is right now she doesn't appreciate you and she sure as heck doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Make her sweat more. In fact, I HIGHLY suggest you start hanging out with friends and meet other women. You need to ask yourself this question: "Do I love and respect myself enough to NOT let people take me for granted????" If you do, then the answer is obvious. Continue with your no contact. Pack her crap up and put it on the front lawn for when she comes over. Change the locks on the doors (IMPORTANT!) and don't be around or available when she shows up. You're a busy guy. You do not have time for people who do not love or respect you and who take you for granted, right? RIGHT!
carrotgirl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 What are some opinions out there? paint, your story could almost have been written word for word by me a couple of lifetimes ago. I did want him back. I wanted my life back. I wanted the world I was accustomed to BACK. When I stop to consider that I could have been stuck with that liar, I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing the difference between being loved by someone who loves me (even when he broke up with me) and keeps loving me for real and being "loved" by the liar who just left one morning and never came back, I am humble and grateful I got off as luckily as I did. It could have been a life sentence, not just a few years served. CaliGuy said it better than I can: Pack her crap up and put it on the front lawn for when she comes over. Change the locks on the doors (IMPORTANT!) and don't be around or available when she shows up. And BTW, you will find someone else. Someone who loves you. Someone who doesn't take you for granted. Someone who has more going for her than just reflecting your glow. Carrot
stlnsmile Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I can't think of anything to add that V. didn't already say. His reply is the only one you should need to see it for what it is. At this point you should start taking care of you. Taking her back would not work well for you, you'd always have that doubt. IMHO I agree with sid, V said everything that needed to be said. Someone actually has to see that they have done something wrong to make it right. And if she had actually seen that and accepted that, she would be begging for your forgiveness, leave this one alone. She's not worth it. And ya know V. thanks for that post, because It just makes me remember so much that I need to remember.
BobTingle Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Dude that is tough! I would cut my losses and move on...if she pulled that before the marriage she will do it again later on in the marriage. Save yourself the trouble and move on.
ladyinlimbo Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I know I'm not really in a position to give advice (see my post here) about exes who hurt you and then think they can just waltz back into your life again but here's my take on your post. You were together for a significant amount of time. 6 years. You were engaged to be married. Your wedding was planned and around the corner. She ends it all without any real explanation. No, it wasn't "cold feet" - it was her wanting to pursue things with her coworker....bottom line. I think that shows you the "real" person that she is. Not someone who can be committed. Just the fact that she rudely tells you she's not coming home because she's enjoying the fact that men are trying to pick her up (giving her attention) -- that's a huge red flag. She's more concerned with getting attention and ego boosts than making a real life with someone (you). so now, things with Mr Coworker didn't pan out and she's trying to slink her way back into your life. How convenient for her. The grass wasn't greener on the other side and she turns to you, ol' faithful, to see if she can get back with you. No apology, no accountability for what she did to you.............just superficial chatty BS and hinting that you take her back. Doesn't sound like a person with a whole lot of heart, depth or integrity. If she could do this to you like she did (I think she showed her 'true colors') - 3 months before your wedding............she'll more than likely do this again. She was obviously 'seeing' the coworker while with you. So she's a cheater and not someone who understands commitment. I would not let her come back and stay with you, if I were in your shoes. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it. Boohoo that she has no place to stay now. Boohoo that you still have her belongings - make arrangements to have them sent to her, or for her to pick them up. She is no longer your problem. If you take her back, you are sending her a loud and clear message that you're a doormat and that you'll tolerate infidelity and deceit and a lack of commitment. A good woman wouldn't have done this to you. It's so not about cold feet. it's about someone who needs to grow up and stop being so selfish and heartless. She wanted her fun, the attention of men............you wanted someone to make a life with. You are on 2 different wavelengths. She is not someone you will ever be able to fully trust and with good reason. Life is far too short to spend it with someone that you can't trust.
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