Emotional Baggage

[spookie]

TT has mentioned several times that I'm closed-off; that he cares about me and it annoys him that I don't trust him to open up at all, when he is trying.

 

I guess that's true, but I have no idea what, how, and how much to share. On the one hand, I feel like many things about me only make sense when you understand some very personal things that have happened to me. On the other, I want to move on from my emotionally draining past that and I know for a fact that sharing fcvked up things about yourself with a partner accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

I mean, what is someone supposed to say to you after you explain the painful emotional repercussions of your abortion and how you came to be a stripper, what that was like, etc.? And how is someone supposed to understand you if you don't? I only make sense to myself in chronological order, but all I've ever gotten for my stories from every post-ex sexual partner I've ever had was an awkward pat on the back. And maybe some new-found understanding, but tempered with... pity? Guilt for being a male? I don't know. Something negative.

 

And TT is a virgin from a sheltered, conservative background. I think he'd just be weirded out if he knew anything about me.

 

I like the "keep the past in the past" philosophy re: disclosure, but what's the past, and what are the things that make us who we are?

 

Maybe I'm so fcvked up already that I'm destined to be alone?

[spookie]

I think after you are in a committed relationship, then tell him those things.

 

Why draw the line there? What defines a committed relationship? How can I commit to someone who I know does not understand me?

[Stockalone]

I guess that's true, but I have no idea what, how, and how much to share. On the one hand, I feel like many things about me only make sense when you understand some very personal things that have happened to me. On the other, I want to move on from my emotionally draining past that and I know for a fact that sharing fcvked up things about yourself with a partner accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

Having one partner in a relationship always wondering what it is you are holding back will accomplish nothing good either. Depending on their personality, it can slowly drive them crazy.

 

I know, that is presumptuous for me to say, but don't you think it would be easier to create a happier future with someone who can support you on that journey.

 

It just seems like a very heavy burden to carry alone. If you have to keep the truth away from a partner, I don't see how this relationship can work. I guess it could be possible but would you really want to be together with a guy who would judge you for your past?

 

Believe it or not, but not every guy is as unyielding and mean as I am when it comes to this. There are enough good men out there.

 

 

I mean, what is someone supposed to say to you after you explain the painful emotional repercussions of your abortion and how you came to be a stripper, what that was like, etc.? And how is someone supposed to understand you if you don't? I only make sense to myself in chronological order, but all I've ever gotten for my stories from every post-ex sexual partner I've ever had was an awkward pat on the back. And maybe some new-found understanding, but tempered with... pity? Guilt for being a male? I don't know. Something negative.

 

How do you expect people to react? It's not like many people have a first hand experience with what you had to go through.

 

I had a wide range of emotions following your threads this past year. Pity, compassion and admiration for the most part. But I won't lie, also sometimes anger and frustration.

 

Abortion, being a stripper in order to pay the bills. The emotions involved with this are things I will never be able to understand as a guy. I wouldn't know how to relate to you, let alone know how to help you.

 

 

And TT is a virgin from a sheltered, conservative background. I think he'd just be weirded out if he knew anything about me.

 

I like the "keep the past in the past" philosophy re: disclosure, but what's the past, and what are the things that make us who we are?

 

Many guys are o.k. with keepng the past in the past. If you don't want to tell TT or other guys about the abortion or your time as a stripper, then don't.

 

It is up to each couple to decide if they go with full disclosure or a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. "Don't ask, don't tell" doesn't work for me, but it works for many people. You should do what you feel is right for you.

 

 

Maybe I'm so fcvked up already that I'm destined to be alone?

 

You know that is not true.

[carhill]

OP, just so you know, I was a virgin when I was your age and came from a conservative (Catholic) past and I made no historical judgements about the women I dated, befriended or fell in love with. That's the true meaning of acceptance. Their past is their path; it made them who they are. Understanding it, IMO, allows/allowed me to fully understand them and empathize with the impetus for their behaviors and views and opinions of today. Such intimacy is what bonds people. Since my past is generally less painful, I'm very open about the mistakes I made and regrets I might have, if nothing else to set an example of my receptiveness to "being human".

 

There are lots of men out there like this. TT may be one of them. If he is, you many have a keeper on your hands and I think that scares you, a fear grounded precisely in your being "closed-off", as if letting out that history and all the attendant emotion will overwhelm you. Ask him for his help. My bet is he'll be responsive

 

FWIW, I have women often telling me their deepest and darkest secrets even before we're really friends, much less anything else. It's just an aura I must project. The problem with that is, because of it, they don't/didn't (I'm married now, so historical here) see me as a romantic prospect, more like a empathic girlfriend with a penis. How emasculating

 

My best advice is to see your past for what it is; a path which defines the person you are today. It's unique to you. I hope it's been meaningful, even if at times painful. There is no indignity or shame in sharing it. Good luck!

[shadowplay]

at least he's interested in your past. that's a good sign.

 

you don't have to unleash all your deepest, darkest secrets at once. share them gradually over time. that way they won't burden the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Spook, IF he wants to know about your past, you're honour-bound to tell him about it. Better he find out from you, than some random stranger or through the grapevine.

 

No one has to accept a partner's past, if it's not something they can live with. As well, don't you want a partner who will accept all of you, including your past, instead of trying to manipulate a situation so they're heavily invested first, before telling them anything? The ensuing drama isn't worth the pain.

 

I don't think you're hooped for life. What I believe is that healthy decisions can be hard to make, especially when easy feel-good ones are readily available, right this moment. Perhaps you can work on your impulse control, when you catch yourself taking the easy route.

[spookie]

Having one partner in a relationship always wondering what it is you are holding back will accomplish nothing good either. Depending on their personality, it can slowly drive them crazy.

 

I know, that is presumptuous for me to say, but don't you think it would be easier to create a happier future with someone who can support you on that journey.

 

It just seems like a very heavy burden to carry alone. If you have to keep the truth away from a partner, I don't see how this relationship can work. I guess it could be possible but would you really want to be together with a guy who would judge you for your past?

 

Believe it or not, but not every guy is as unyielding and mean as I am when it comes to this. There are enough good men out there.

 

How do you expect people to react? It's not like many people have a first hand experience with what you had to go through.

 

I had a wide range of emotions following your threads this past year. Pity, compassion and admiration for the most part. But I won't lie, also sometimes anger and frustration.

 

Abortion, being a stripper in order to pay the bills. The emotions involved with this are things I will never be able to understand as a guy. I wouldn't know how to relate to you, let alone know how to help you.

 

Many guys are o.k. with keepng the past in the past. If you don't want to tell TT or other guys about the abortion or your time as a stripper, then don't.

 

It is up to each couple to decide if they go with full disclosure or a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. "Don't ask, don't tell" doesn't work for me, but it works for many people. You should do what you feel is right for you.

 

It's not that I have a problem with sharing anything, or that I'm afraid he'll judge me (I know that he won't). It's that I've come to the realization that it IS a burden I have to carry alone. It's gotten easier now that I'm not a stripper anymore and have accepted that my ex is gone.

 

Over the past year I've written kind of a memoir of the whole thing, more for my own release than anything, since I think if only the facts are laid out I am easily misunderstood, and I kind of wanted to summarize my feelings and motivations, even if just to myself. Handing him a manuscript about myself seems sort of stuck up, but I kind of want to do it half the time when he's asking me why I'm so zoned out when I'm thinking about something in my past. (One time I spaced out at a bar when this country song came on and all I could think about was this redhead stripper with thin arms and sort of a potbelly who looked like Riding Hood to me for some reason who would always get on all fours on the stage and spank herself to country during the day shift. It was a vivid image and very sad and stuff like that I have no idea how to relay to someone else.)

[spookie]

Spook, IF he wants to know about your past, you're honour-bound to tell him about it.

 

What am I supposed to say, though? How much do I tell him? If I don't explain the feelings and motivations behind what I did, I sound like a crazy bcith. If I get into the details, I risk permanently turning him off with tmi. The TMI has more to do with the emotional stuff, actually, than what actually happened. I have no problem telling him I had an abortion but in order to understand me you have to understand that it fcvked me up because of how much I loved my ex, something someone new never wants to hear. (You always see threads on here about guys not being able to deal with girls' pasts and I kind of feel like that will happen now to me, with anyone I am with.)

 

I don't want anyone to tell me I'm not ready to date because I still have feelings for my ex, BTW. It's not about any feelings I have anymore, it's about the fact that my feelings re: the demise of that relationship had consequence far deeper and more permanent than typical for a breakup. To understand me you have to understand what I have been through (the consequences) but also in context of that relationship. That's what makes this hard.

[Trialbyfire]

What am I supposed to say, though? How much do I tell him? If I don't explain the feelings and motivations behind what I did, I sound like a crazy bcith. If I get into the details, I risk permanently turning him off with tmi. The TMI has more to do with the emotional stuff, actually, than what actually happened. I have no problem telling him I had an abortion but in order to understand me you have to understand that it fcvked me up because of how much I loved my ex, something someone new never wants to hear. (You always see threads on here about guys not being able to deal with girls' pasts and I kind of feel like that will happen now to me, with anyone I am with.)

 

I don't want anyone to tell me I'm not ready to date because I still have feelings for my ex, BTW. It's not about any feelings I have anymore, it's about the fact that my feelings re: the demise of that relationship had consequence far deeper and more permanent than typical for a breakup. To understand me you have to understand what I have been through (the consequences) but also in context of that relationship. That's what makes this hard.

I can't tell you how to couch your words but fear of loss isn't enough to justify deceptive/manipulative or dishonest behaviour, within a relationship.

[spookie]

Also... maybe this is dysfunctional, but I am honestly far past the point where I want or need emotional support from anyone anymore. I think the most painful parts of my life are behind me, and I trekked through them alone, nursing all my wounds, and no one will ever understand, and I've accepted this. I want a relationship for many reasons, but that closeness, where the other person's pain is your own, I don't think it's possible I will ever to feel again with reciprocation. So what's the point of sharing?

[spookie]

I can't tell you how to couch your words but fear of loss isn't enough to justify deceptive/manipulative or dishonest behaviour, within a relationship.

 

I don't want to be deceptive or manipulative, though, and I'm not motivated by fear of loss in this case, actually. I just don't think I will accomplish ANYTHING for anyone by telling him. Usually people share these things to feel closeness and get sympathy, but IMO I'm past these possibilities because all the hurt I have can only be private.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't want to be deceptive or manipulative, though, and I'm not motivated by fear of loss in this case, actually. I just don't think I will accomplish ANYTHING for anyone by telling him. Usually people share these things to feel closeness and get sympathy, but IMO I'm past these possibilities because all the hurt I have can only be private.

No, sharing with your partner is one of the key ingredients for a healthy relationship. The two of you have to "get" each other and understand your drivers and triggers. It's part of the foundation for trust and respect.

[spookie]

No, sharing with your partner is one of the key ingredients for a healthy relationship. The two of you have to "get" each other and understand your drivers and triggers. It's part of the foundation for trust and respect.

 

It's just such a long, convoluted story, and most parts would put him in an awkward position as potential long-term boyfriend. Not only did I have an abortion, but I regretted it because it was the child of someone I loved; and I still feel superstitious about the whole thing. For example, I don't think I can have kids of my own after what I've done. How is that supposed to make him feel?

 

Ugh. I just don't think I am EVER going to find someone willing to understand and accept me. That hurts, but I didn't think it meant I couldn't have relationships.

[Trialbyfire]

It's just such a long, convoluted story, and most parts would put him in an awkward position as potential long-term boyfriend. Not only did I have an abortion, but I regretted it because it was the child of someone I loved; and I still feel superstitious about the whole thing. For example, I don't think I can have kids of my own after what I've done. How is that supposed to make him feel?

 

Ugh. I just don't think I am EVER going to find someone willing to understand and accept me. That hurts, but I didn't think it meant I couldn't have relationships.

You're making assumptions about your ability to have children again. Get tested for certainty sake because there are many women who have had abortions without losing their fertility.

 

Don't pull the sympathy card with me, spook. You will find someone who gets you but only if you're willing to show them who you really are. Deception has a price to pay, in that it erodes on you when practiced continuously. Imagine all that energy put towards something positive, rather than hiding something you view as negative.

 

Anyways, better to have someone who totally gets you, rather than a guy who has issues with your past.

[spookie]

You're making assumptions about your ability to have children again. Get tested for certainty sake because there are many women who have had abortions without losing their fertility.

 

Don't pull the sympathy card with me, spook. You will find someone who gets you but only if you're willing to show them who you really are. Deception has a price to pay, in that it erodes on you when practiced continuously. Imagine all that energy put towards something positive, rather than hiding something you view as negative.

 

Anyways, better to have someone who totally gets you, rather than a guy who has issues with your past.

 

I'm sure I'm not infertile, an abortion normally doesn't mess with that. I meant I cannot emotionally fathom having my own kids. I'm afraid all I will think about when I look at them is the one I didn't have but should have, with the person I loved more than anything.

 

It's s!ht like that I don't know how to relay.

 

I don't think he'd have an issue with my past. There's a chance he would but I think it's pretty slim. I just hate it when I share this with someone and then I feel completely empty, incapable of accepting any sympathy anyone is willing to extend. Sharing doesn't bring me closer to anyone, it makes me feel even further away, drowning in my loneliness and hurt and isolation.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sure I'm not infertile, an abortion normally doesn't mess with that. I meant I cannot emotionally fathom having my own kids. I'm afraid all I will think about when I look at them is the one I didn't have but should have, with the person I loved more than anything.

 

It's s!ht like that I don't know how to relay.

 

I don't think he'd have an issue with my past. There's a chance he would but I think it's pretty slim. I just hate it when I share this with someone and then I feel completely empty, incapable of accepting any sympathy anyone is willing to extend. Sharing doesn't bring me closer to anyone, it makes me feel even further away, drowning in my loneliness and hurt and isolation.

What you need isn't sympathy. It's understanding and acceptance.

[Calisto]

Are you sure this is true attraction, or is it just fabricated because it was convenient? You work together, you live close to each other.....seems like you might have been lonely and decided "yeah, I guess he's hot, I'm gonna hook up with him, I'm feeling a connection". Honestly it's just a convenience thing I think. You are away in a big city so you think you should immediately hook up with the first available guy.

 

Try not hooking up for a while, especially with the first possibility that comes along. You'd be surprised that you can actually be professional coworkers as well as friends.

 

I'm not being harsh, it's just taken a lot of relationships for me to realize a lot of them were me convincing myself I was attracted to them and I really wanted to be with them, when deep down I wasn't into them that much. It's easy to magnify attraction. For example, the moderately attractive guy who works down the hall makes small talk with me, and I think "hmmmm...." and next thing you know we're an item....just something I've had years to reflect upon and consider.

[spookie]

Are you sure this is true attraction, or is it just fabricated because it was convenient? You work together, you live close to each other.....seems like you might have been lonely and decided "yeah, I guess he's hot, I'm gonna hook up with him, I'm feeling a connection". Honestly it's just a convenience thing I think. You are away in a big city so you think you should immediately hook up with the first available guy.

 

Try not hooking up for a while, especially with the first possibility that comes along. You'd be surprised that you can actually be professional coworkers as well as friends.

 

I'm not being harsh, it's just taken a lot of relationships for me to realize a lot of them were me convincing myself I was attracted to them and I really wanted to be with them, when deep down I wasn't into them that much. It's easy to magnify attraction. For example, the moderately attractive guy who works down the hall makes small talk with me, and I think "hmmmm...." and next thing you know we're an item....just something I've had years to reflect upon and consider.

 

I have definitely had my share of those kinds of relationships, so I know what you are talking about. I think it's hard for me (and a lot of people) to know what is a real connection and what is convenience.

 

With TT, about half the time I think I'm involved cause I can' live withot drama in my life, but the other half I feel I could marry him tomorrow and I'd be happy. He's one of those rare people who never gets on my nerves, and as I've been pointing out, the chemistry, which is something I normally have trouble sustaining for someone past one kiss, is intense.