*sigh* how to be a better wife?

[TreeMama]

I can't change him so I better change me and hope he plays along, right?

 

Today was our fifth anniversary. Started out so-so - me getting upset again b/c 14 m/o DS was up at 7 am and I was w/out DH help until 10 am. Normal.

 

Day ended badly, too. My mom watched DS so we could have a night out, had dinner, a couple drinks then were changing locations and things went awry - normal miscommunication of expectations, assumptions, etc.

 

Once we start fighting - he retreats and I want to push for explanation. I should know better after 5 yrs marriage and almost 7 together. So, he's sleeping downstairs, no good night, nothing and I'm left with child for bedtime (who was being naughty!) and on my own.

 

*Back on course here*

 

This is become pretty typical lately. And, we did have a good discussion mid-week about expectations. I was good, I listened and did my best to understand his expectations. It was tough and, I felt, a bit one-sided - not much room for me to get in MY expectations. I felt pretty small.

 

So, lots of fighting lately. I think it comes down to not knowing each other's expectations. It's been worst the past 4-5 months since I took a more demanding job. Doesn't help at all. My schedule gets nutty sometimes and I do my best to keep DH in the loop - but, I'm not perfect. If we didn't have DS, it might be less stressful, but someone has to take care of him.

 

Between our jobs and just keeping up with domestic life and having a toddler, it's tough. DH wants more 'family time' and I try hard to make sure the evenings and weekends we have are ours. Sometimes, no matter how I try or do, it doesn't seem to be enough?

 

But, heck, we go out to enjoy an anniversary dinner and all my husband can talk about is how he wants a boat (grr, long issue!). So, not much coupley flirty fun stuff going on.

 

I'm digressing, again -

 

My point is that I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel like the only thing I have power in changing with our relationship is me.

 

How do I be a better wife?

 

Is a good wife considered one who puts all her own aside for her husband (oh, I'm hard-headed & independent)? Or, is she one who takes care of house and home and child and dinner on the table by 6 and shirts & slacks clean and starched?

 

If I help create that "safe place to land" will it make any difference? How can I find the energy to invest so much in creating a safe place for him when I have a job I love, a son I love and myself to care for?

 

How do you ask a husband - what kind of wife do you want? And, how do you tell same hard-headed husband (two hard-heads in one relationship, not good!) what you need without feeling demanding?

 

I'm just tired of the fighting. It never changes. Tomorrow, I'll bet you my left toe we'll give each other the cold shoulder most the morning, make a random comment about something random, talk briefly about what happened and then go on about the day doing our things we'd normally do.

 

Grr ... I don't know ... as I write this, there just seems to be alot of things going on, uncategorized, in our relationship right now that I can even put my finger on.

 

The more I try to figure it out, the more confused I get.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? I'm just lost.

 

I am reading "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations ..." by Sue Johnson - not sure what to think of it so far. I'll post another thread on that one maybe. So, I'm trying, I think ...

[whichwayisup]

Be honest with him - Tell him you love him and want to be his wife but the way you two are recently it's gonna ruin the marriage and tear you two apart. Somewhere along the way you two forgot to "love" eachother...To respect one another and have FUN together, not only as a husband and wife, as parents but also as friends and lovers!

 

Try a different approach, let him know all your fears, show your emotion, and speak from your heart. All throughout it, just reaffirm how much you love him, want him as your husband. Maybe he'll stop and think, realize WTF am I doing? If we don't stop this behaviour and try to work together and put eachother first more, we're gonna end up in divorce court.

 

Hope this helps.

[TreeMama]

Wow ... that makes me want to cry ... just the honesty, I don't know where to start? It's scary to think to do that; it's scary for fear he won't hear me ... won't understand ... plus, I'm not so good with the all-out honest emotion either.

 

And, I know it's a two-way street - "If we don't stop this behaviour and try to work together and put eachother first more, we're gonna end up in divorce court." - so I have to think I'm to blame some here, too.

[Sks]

Do you need to work? Can he support you on his own? It might take some stress off,

[TreeMama]

Do you need to work? Can he support you on his own? It might take some stress off,

 

Yes. I need to work ... financially and personally.

 

Before, my primary job was PT 20hrs/wk (plus a 2nd PT 8-12 hr/wk); we did ok financially, but it was tight; and I was BORED after doing it for over two years. I have a degree and ambition, and wasn't using either.

 

We could probably get by on his - this has come up before, he doesn't want that burden on him. He stresses now that health insurance is on him (even though I can get HI, but it's better & cheaper with his). He worries ALOT and seems to always think he'll get fired even though he's one who works above expectations. He sets high expectations for himself, too.

 

Honestly, though, that wouldn't take the stress off. I would foresee issues there,too - him resentful that I get to be home w/ DS, and me resentful that he has a job outside of the home. In short, I like my job - but, I know I have to draw better boundaries b/w work and home.

 

In general ... the nature of our fighting hasn't really changed in the time we've been together. So, there's other things going on ...

[welchs08]

You mentioned a lot of each other's expectations of each other and you said that you just expect everything to be the same tomorrow. Maybe if you change your 'inner dialogue' and start thinking more positive and get a little more optimistic attitude about everything you'll start to see that a lot comes with that.People respond to each other remarkably and if you have a great outlook and take care of your own self he will start to get a better attitude also.

[marlena]

The more I try to figure it out, the more confused I get.

 

 

Hi,

 

One thing is for sure. You wouldn't make a good 1930's wife. Don't worry too much. I am sure you will figure things out in the end.

 

Take care,

 

Marlena

[TreeMama]

You mentioned a lot of each other's expectations of each other and you said that you just expect everything to be the same tomorrow. Maybe if you change your 'inner dialogue' and start thinking more positive and get a little more optimistic attitude about everything you'll start to see that a lot comes with that.People respond to each other remarkably and if you have a great outlook and take care of your own self he will start to get a better attitude also.

 

That's what I'm trying to do ... like I said, I can't change him, so I'd better change myself.

 

You know the old phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

 

It's been getting harder to reconnect the next day as our fighting continues.

[TreeMama]

Hi,

 

One thing is for sure. You wouldn't make a good 1930's wife. Don't worry too much. I am sure you will figure things out in the end.

 

Take care,

 

Marlena

 

ha! well, a 1930s wife living where I do would be out on the homestead living in the sod house and working her butt off!

[carhill]

Start a commitment by taking one hour every week to participate in MC. Then, take another hour a week to exercise together, even if it just a walk around the neighborhood with DS in a stroller. Do you think you can fit in two hours out of 168 hours for these tasks? Hint: sleep two hours less per week

[TreeMama]

thanks for the reply but there will be no MC; he'd never agree to it and I don't like our MC choices.

 

We DO spend time together - we go for walks, bike rides.

 

I haven't mentioned this ... but I think drinking is a problem on his end. He will rationalize and say "everyone has a few beers to unwind" but his few are eight. He gets mad that I think it's a problem and is affecting our fighting (it has in the past, so I quit excessive drinking; he knows this). He disagrees. I ask if he can go a couple nights w/out drinking just to prove me wrong, but no go, no try.

 

Having a couple beers, fine ... but the amount that he drinks?? No.

 

Even if he's right in that drinking is not a factor in our fighting, the financial part of it IS a problem. It's AT LEAST $200/month in beer (if not more, plus another $100 or more for cigarettes). Obviously, we can't agree on this either - I think it's financially irresponsible, and he thinks it's his "right" since he works, too. Funny thing - if I spent like that, we'd be going nowhere financially. Ha! Imagine $600 down the drain each month when there is debt to be repaid.

 

Okay ... looks like I'm bringing up another issue. Money!

 

Really, I just want to know how others handle these kinds of issues.

 

 

Start a commitment by taking one hour every week to participate in MC. Then, take another hour a week to exercise together, even if it just a walk around the neighborhood with DS in a stroller. Do you think you can fit in two hours out of 168 hours for these tasks? Hint: sleep two hours less per week

[carhill]

OK, you go to IC and Al-Anon to deal with your issues. This is a symbol of you taking your power back. Right now, he's the person who cares the least, so he's in control. The work is bringing the M back into a balance. You can't make him do the work but can control how much work you do and how you react to him.

 

We live out in the sticks (literally, there are cows next door) and we still found an excellent psychologist a half hour away for MC.

 

I'm thinking of DS here. He picks up on everything, like a sponge.

[TechDude]

thanks for the reply but there will be no MC; he'd never agree to it and I don't like our MC choices.

 

I understand the sentiment, but after almost 25 years of marriage, I have to say in hindsight that no one knows it all and no one doesn't have something to learn from MC.

 

"everyone has a few beers to unwind" but his few are eight. He gets mad that I think it's a problem and is affecting our fighting ... He disagrees.

How can that many beers NOT be a factor in the fighting? If he is doing this regularly, then how can there possible be reasonable communication???

 

the financial part of it IS a problem. It's AT LEAST $200/month in beer (if not more, plus another $100 or more for cigarettes). ... Okay ... looks like I'm bringing up another issue. Money!

Again, how can $300 per month down the drain NOT be an issue?

 

As mentioned earlier, you have to be willing to take a risk. Your H needs to know that if things don't change, this marriage won't last. That is not placing the blame on anyone, it is just stating the facts.

 

It is now up to both of you to do something. If H won't consider MC, then you need to challenge him to provide an alternative. You DO need outside help to get things back on track. It is not too late ... unless you both do nothing.

 

I can understand that it can be scary to open yourself up, but you have to let him know how you feel. What is the worst thing that can happen? Marriage collapses? Remind yourself that this is where it is headed anyway, so you have nothing to lose.

 

Don't hold back for fear of what you might lose. If you do, you will lose it anyway.

[SnapCracklePop]

TreeMama, I am also reading that book. W bought it, read it first, and asked me to read it. We bought the book because we are taking MC sessions from a practice that belongs to Sue Johnson here in Ottawa.

 

Personally, from past experience, I was very skeptical about MC and would we get a bunch of useless information. I've been through a few sessions, and read the book and I can say that I am personally finding this very useful. It is showing me how to dig a little bit and get past the issue of whatever fight we had and find the underlying pieces of the relationship that are missing or neglected. Some of the things I have found out about myself has been surprising. MC has been hard, intense, and depressing too, but I am realizing that it is necessary to go through the talks, and digging deep to make things better.

 

That said, MC does not give you answers, but is intended to show you the real core of the problem and from that, you should be able to find your own answers. So, from one person who was hesitant to try MC (again), I can say that regardless of the outcome, I am finding it beneficial.

 

Reading your post, I can see that you are justifying yourself (I did this, and he only wants that... I ask him what his expectations are, etc. etc.). Before MC, I did the exact same thing... But I realize now that this thought process did not help the situation at all.

 

Unless there is damaging or negligent behaviours, you should not feel compelled to change who you are (how do I be a better wife?). I suspect that you have good intentions and that you want family time, couple time, and you time. That mix is difficult, and I can appreciate that for women, it is even more difficult to find that balance (because men cannot have babies, and will never be forced to take a day off to push one out).

 

Your H has indicated he wants more family time. What about more couple time? More fun-alone time? I bet you'd like to offer that, but at the end of your busy day, and challenging evening, you are so spent that there is nothing left for him? It is good that he is able to tell you those needs - what do you need from him in return? If you follow the book, once each of you know what you need, you will start trying to understand why you need those things. When your partner understands both the 'what' and the 'why', it is easier to meet those needs, and your expectations will be satisfied.

 

I don't know about your H, but in general (and for me too), men talking about emotions and fears and needs is a difficult thing. It may take some time, but for sure, demanding information will cause him to hold the door shut.

 

The bottom line is, eventually, you do need to talk about things. MC will really help get to the root of things. MC is scary if you've never been there - it is concrete proof that your marriage needs help, but you'd be surprised how many marriages have actually been in MC. Even the Sue Jonhson had marriage troubles, and she is an expert on this. Your H should not feel threatened or less of himself because you feel your marriage could benefit from MC.

 

Being on the outside looking in, and reading your description, you are taking a lot of responsibility to get "things" done for your household. You have a demanding job, you are preparing meals, taking care of your son, and you are doing laundry, and most likely you are cleaning up too. That is a LOT for one person to shoulder - it is also a lot for two people to manage when both of you have jobs outside the home too. It is not surprising that there is no time left for you as a couple, or you as a family.

 

Personally, if I were in a double-income family, I'd be spending a significant portion of one of those incomes to hire services to take care of things like the cleaning, and meal preparation, and other home maintenance things that can be hired out. Don't view this as "I cannot do all of this", but instead "We are buying time for ourselves".

 

I've read the book, and I've had some MC sessions - that is what I have learned so far. Maybe it is still a little naive or a simplistic view, and it still has some growth and evolution, but it is a start.

[trust]

I understand the sentiment, but after almost 25 years of marriage, I have to say in hindsight that no one knows it all and no one doesn't have something to learn from MC.

 

How can that many beers NOT be a factor in the fighting? If he is doing this regularly, then how can there possible be reasonable communication???

 

Again, how can $300 per month down the drain NOT be an issue?

 

As mentioned earlier, you have to be willing to take a risk. Your H needs to know that if things don't change, this marriage won't last. That is not placing the blame on anyone, it is just stating the facts.

 

It is now up to both of you to do something. If H won't consider MC, then you need to challenge him to provide an alternative. You DO need outside help to get things back on track. It is not too late ... unless you both do nothing.

 

I can understand that it can be scary to open yourself up, but you have to let him know how you feel. What is the worst thing that can happen? Marriage collapses? Remind yourself that this is where it is headed anyway, so you have nothing to lose.

 

Don't hold back for fear of what you might lose. If you do, you will lose it anyway.

I can understand that it can be scary to open yourself up, but you have to let him know how you feel. What is the worst thing that can happen? Marriage collapses? Remind yourself that this is where it is headed anyway, so you have nothing to lose..

 

Don't hold back for fear of what you might lose. If you do, you will lose it anyway.

 

All very good things to think about. But what I wonder is, what were their vows? Isn't this the "contract"? Isn't this the promise that the two agreed to uphold? When/if they said "for better or for worse", did they really mean "for better or not *too* bad?" Isn't that what it comes down to? And when you approach the not *too* bad part of the relationship, isn't that where it becomes disposable because that's the point at which we throw it out?

 

Your "alternatives" are actually a little more complicated than that. What if the wife in this case feels she *must* be married. So she throws out this one and starts a new one. Same set of problems occur. Now what to do? Husband won't go to a MC. Repeat this whole cycle? If "not being able to control what he does" is a constant, then won't you just be in another marriage where this is a constant as well? It becomes less of an issue of control, more of an issue of persuasion. Hint: Use the boat for leverage.

 

I know I will rub many people the wrong way on this one but...at what point did you think it was a great idea to both work? When the feminist movement pushed it, and most of our culture started to accept it? If you have a degree and are ambitious, why can't you put all that to good use at home? There's many ways you could make that happen. What are your priorities? Work before marriage? Marriage is a full time job. With both partners working, where did you budget the time to work on your marriage? When he gets off of work, he wants to relax. No. Not today. Time to work on his full time marriage job. Where's the balance? Where's the time to recharge so that he will even have the strength to want to go to an MC? So you both skipped the work necessary to keep it going, now you're stuck with all this work at the "end." No one gets to cheat on the work load required to keep the marriage "healthy." Eventually it comes back to bite you. Now it's just overwhelming to deal with all the work in the end, isn't it?

 

The alcoholism (probably) isn't the problem that is pushing your marriage into a downward spiral, it could be just as likely that the marriage going into a downward spiral is what is fueling the alcoholism. It's really hard to say without more information. This is where an MC comes into play. Time to use/improve your power of persuasion to make it happen. Since you are wise in reading good books to improve your emotional development, I'd advise reading a good book on persuasion.

 

Sorry, I have more questions than answers for you.