shadowplay Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I was inspired by another thread about lack of friends to share my own experience and seek advice. I too have none unless you count my boyfriend and an ex whom I once was extremely close to but now just see on occasion. I'm 24 btw, and returning to college in the Fall to finish my BFA. Context isn't the problem. I have two day internships where I'm surrounded by people my age. I will also be starting a part-time restaurant job next week. Problem is I don't know how to relate to strangers or acquaintances. I'm comfortable once I get to know somebody really well. People seem to like me once they've broken through my wall of anxiety, but it takes so long to get there. That's why it only happens in relationships, because the physical intimacy buys me time to get to know the other person. But even spending several nights a week with a new bf it usually takes me months to reach the point of fluent conversation. How do I bridge the gap with people I don't have oodles of time to get to know? The getting-to-know-you stage perplexes me. I'm bad at small talk, but even worse at the "medium talk" that falls between small talk and being best buddies. With someone I know well, like my bf, there are tons of shared experiences and inside jokes to fall back on if the conversation lags (which it rarely does).We fall into a familiar rhythm of playful teasing and bantering. I couldn't do that with someone I didn't know because I'd have no sense of their humor. It would also seem inappropriate given our lack of familiarity. For me it takes months of trial and error to find a perfect wavelength on which to relate to another person, some of which involves both of us adapting to the other's sense of humor. Some people have a natural instinct for how to immediately engage a stranger. I don't. Conversation just doesn't flow with someone I don't know intimately. The way in which other people make friends has always seemed rather magical to me. I rely too heavily on question-asking because it's safe and easy, but I choke when it comes to talking about myself or making spontaneous remarks. When I do say something spontaneous, it usually flops. I was hoping you guys could give me specific pointers on how to get conversation flowing. Let me give offer some examples of dead-end conversations I've tried to start at one of my internships. Conversation 1: Me: Did you go to the screening for [a movie our production company made] over the weekend? Girl: No, I couldn't make it. Me: Oh, I went. It was good. Girl: Yeah? I heard so. Conversation 2: Me: You know what movie really sucked? Guy: What? Me: The Happening. Guy: Oh yeah? You mean the one by that guy who directed... Me: The Sixth Sense? Guy: Yeah, even that wasn't so good. Me: I didn't get the hype either. It seems like his movies have gotten progressively worse. I had to walk out in the middle of the movie it was so bad. Guy: [laughs] ----- I notice that people rarely engage me in conversations. I always have to do the initiating and the leg-work. I'm jealous of how effortlessly others spark connections. People naturally come to them. Why is that? It's like nobody ever wants to befriend me, and I have to force something unnatural. It's always one-sided. This has been true all my life, since my grammar school days. Nobody seems interested in getting to know me. It makes me sad because I feel like I have a lot to offer. I read a lot and have a variety of interests. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Both of my internships are mostly male-dominated. My main social opportunities are lunch time, which means I'd have to sit with a bunch of guys who are best buddies. I find this pretty intimidating, so lately I haven't been going along with them. There are some girls in the office as well, but they don't seem interesting in talking to me and they don't really go to lunch together. Tips, tips, tips... Btw, if you guys need more specifics I'd be happy to give them.
Pedigree Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I notice that people rarely engage me in conversations. I always have to do the initiating and the leg-work. On this front, all I can say is keep at it because there comes a point in time where it will pay off. The way I see it, if you're the one that initiates the conversation, you're the one that's not boring and has nothing to do/talk about. Last semester at Uni, I thought I was just passing the time by engaging in idle talk with other people who happened to show up early to class. Weeks later, I can see people's expression change from "I'm bored" to an enthusiastic "Hey, it's you" when I show up.
Suiyobi Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Hey there shadowplay, I understand what you're going through. Personally, I'm not shy at all but I just have an issue with carrying on conversations, let alone initiating conversations with interesting topics. Like you, I usually end up asking questions. I like Pedigree's idea with bringing up small talk with people in classrooms. It does lighten up the mood and eventually people will get to know you and start seeing you as an interesting person to hang out with. I've been doing this more and more as I progress through my college career and so far it's effective and healthy. If anything, you could start looking into pop culture and see what's the latest buzz that people are into, and I'm not necessarily talking just about fashion, but on tech gadgets, politics, and so forth. Even more important is to develop an opinion on these topics so you can actually have something to contribute to conversations, rather than just ask, "Hey, did you hear about so and so?" Don't worry, in time you'll be a great conversationalist. I know I'm trying, so cheers to us and I hope we'll both succeed in this quest.
GPFan Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Hi shadowplay, Since you tend to be quiet and are a good listener, you have an advantage. Observe your co-workers/classmates. Take note of clues from overheard conversations, manner of dress, knickknacks collected on desktops, key chains, etc. Use these clues to initiate a topic of conversation. The most comfortable way to interest others is to express curiosity about something they are enthusiastic about or that has personal meaning to them. Your conversations will be a bit deeper, which I gather you prefer, and go on longer. Hope this helps!
Author shadowplay Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 If anything, you could start looking into pop culture and see what's the latest buzz that people are into, and I'm not necessarily talking just about fashion, but on tech gadgets, politics, and so forth. Even more important is to develop an opinion on these topics so you can actually have something to contribute to conversations, rather than just ask, "Hey, did you hear about so and so?" Don't worry, in time you'll be a great conversationalist. I know I'm trying, so cheers to us and I hope we'll both succeed in this quest. Hey, thanks for the input! I am well-versed in some aspects of pop culture (music and movies), but I have a lot of holes in my knowledge, and I'm embarrassingly ignorant on current events. I think I will start reading the paper more. I like your idea. I've overcome most of my shyness about starting conversations. The problem I have is getting past the initial small talk to something more substantial. I don't really understand how friendly comments here and there congeal into longer conversations and in turn friendships.
Suiyobi Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hey, thanks for the input! I am well-versed in some aspects of pop culture (music and movies), but I have a lot of holes in my knowledge, and I'm embarrassingly ignorant on current events. I think I will start reading the paper more. I like your idea. I've overcome most of my shyness about starting conversations. The problem I have is getting past the initial small talk to something more substantial. I don't really understand how friendly comments here and there congeal into longer conversations and in turn friendships. Actually, how I look at it, small talk is pretty much like 70% of all the conversations people will have in normal settings, whether they are friends or not. The longer conversations will naturally come into play once you've actually bonded with a person just enough for him/her to realize that you are more capable in discussing serious topics. But seriously, friendly comments can still go a long way... As for how to transcend into a level of friendship, I noticed that in order to do that I would actually have to hang out with that person other than where I would normally meet him/her, otherwise, we're nothing more than mere acquaintances, even if we do end up having fairly long conversations.
sailing Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Actually, how I look at it, small talk is pretty much like 70% of all the conversations people will have in normal settings, whether they are friends or not. The longer conversations will naturally come into play once you've actually bonded with a person just enough for him/her to realize that you are more capable in discussing serious topics. But seriously, friendly comments can still go a long way... quote] I think so too, interaction is enough a lot of the time. I remember reading something about how relations normally start as small talk about "safe" subjects (like a film) when establishing the first contact. Then it moves into bonding over time over basic value statements (such as: "I really like when.." or "don't you just hate it when..") before either person will feel comfortable enough to reveal personal information, political views etc. Maybe you (OP) could try to inject some more basic values into the small talk, to see whom you are compatible with?
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