stellar4141 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I first posted here a few months ago, and found all the advice I was given really helpful, but recently I'm so confused again, I'd just really like a few impartial points of view. My original post was here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147272/?highlight=crazy for those who are interested, but it's pretty long so I'll summarise here. Basically, I've had a "thing" with my best friend at uni since late november last year. It was established as just a drunken thing until we got back from easter holidays. I was ill for a week, and a bit down and out and suddenly he changed. He became overly affectionate and caring, would look after me, be so protective it was almost stifling. But it was so nice to be made to feel like he was looking after me. From then on, and for the last month of uni we'd spend every day and night together. We'd sleep together, kiss, cuddle..and act totally like a couple..all day, every day. I've fallen in love with him majorly, I've never felt like this before, and, on our last night of uni before he went home ( he was going home on the monday but I was staying till the friday), I asked him what this meant for us. He said that I meant everything to him, but he was scared about the prospect of us having a relationship. We're living together next year in a house of 8, and he's a 3rd year student, where I'm just going into my 2nd. He's done the house sharing with a couple before and said it was overly uncomfortable for him whenever the couple he lived with had arguments. He also said that I'm quite a public person, which I am, but he hates all the pda stuff, and he doesn't want to have to ask me to change to suit him. He also said that he gets ridiculously jealous and possessive, and he doesn't want me to end up hating him. But he said he didn't want me being with anyone else, he loves being with me, and I meant the world to him and he'd never felt like that before. He said we needed space to get our heads together, and I said that was fair enough. He left on the monday afternoon and it hit me really hard. I missed him so much immediately, after spending practically 24/7 with him for a month. I had a big cry, got it out of my system, and thought I'd be okay. However, on the thursday night it all got too much for me, and I texted him saying that if he wanted to be with me he would be, and that I was falling deeper and deeper and I was scared of getting so badly hurt by him that I wouldn't be able to recover ever from it. He replied saying his head was a mess, but he missed me, and I still meant the world to him. I didn't know what to say so just went to bed. On the friday, my last day at uni, it was generally a big end of term party, and at around 5pm, I got a tap on my shoulder, turned around, and it was him. He said he'd come back to suprise me, and wanted to spend my last day with me. I was so happy to see him, I can't describe how much it meant to me that he'd travelled 200 miles to come back to have a last day with me. That night we had a big chat about everything, and he said I was underevaluating myself in terms of him, and I didn't realise how much I meant to him. I ended up crying, telling him how crazy I was about him and the only thing I wanted was to be with him. He said he needed time to think about it but I should go to stay with him so we could be away from the whole crazy uni lifestyle. That was about 3 weeks ago, and we spoke every day for 2 weeks. Last weekend I went to stay with him. I was supposed to stay with him for 3 days but ended up staying for 5. We had a fantastic time and got on brilliantly. We spent the 5 days acting like a couple, and I was ecstatic to be with him. On my last morning I had to ask him, for my own piece of mind, whether this meant we were together. He said that he wanted to be with me, but the only thing niggling in his mind, was if we broke up, he'd lose his best friend aswell as his girlfriend, and if/when we broke up, we started seeing other people, it'd kill him, as he's really sensitive. He says it kills him to think of me with any other guy, and he doesn't know if he'd be able to handle it, but when we were together it was fantastic. I can see his point totally, I'd be lost without him in my life, but I love him so much that I can't bear the thought of not being able to cuddle him, kiss him, or just have any of the intimacy that we have at the moment. We agreed that we aren't going to see anyone else, and he said "we'll just have to see how things go, but I'm so scared of losing you". I can see his point, and all I can say to him is to give us a chance and things might be okay. We're young, I'm 20 and he's 21, and I know relationships at our age aren't likely to last, but I can't get my head around the fact that we might not even try properly. Or should we just carry on the way we are, and see how things develop naturally? We're practically a couple anyway, we speak every day and both of us are going back to the town our uni is in 2 months earlier than the rest of our house, because we've agreed we missed eachother so much. Am I expecting too much of him for someone who's been so open to me but isn't that type of person anyway? We trust eachother 100%, I feel safer with him than with anyone else in the world, he looks after me, we respect eachother, and can just sit with eachother in silence and just be with eachother. I'm in love with him like I never thought I'd be in love with anyone. My ex boyfriends have been total losers compared to him, and I can't bear the thought of him not being in my life...Should I just leave things how they are, and see if we develop naturally that way? Or do you think he's just someone who's scared of the label boyfriend and girlfriend? He's only had 1 girlfriend when he was 17 who he was with for 6 months, and he said that ended badly due to his jealousy issues. I'd never do anything to hurt him, and all I want is for him to be happy. Any advice/views would be appreciated. Sorry about the length, had a lot to get off my chest! Thanks so much!
ls3360 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 It sounds like your/his choice is already made. He's concerned that he might wreck things with his jealousy. Yet he doesn't indicate if that's something he ever expects to improve later, so is he never going to get serious with anyone ever? It sounds like the best course of action is just to be aware of that jealousy challenge and together try to figure out how to conquer it. I suspect people here can make suggestions about how to do that. His other concern is losing you as a friend. Again, it sounds like you've already crossed that threshold. It sounds like you're already so close that being apart drives you crazy. It sounds like going back to just being friends would already be quite a challenge. It basically sounds like things are as good as they can be with you two and that backing away from that would achieve nothing. Move forward carefully, learn and enjoy. :-) Good luck :-)
Author stellar4141 Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Thanks for your reply I agree with what you say, but the problem is he's already thinking about us ending before it's even begun "officially", thats why I'm finding it quite hard to deal with. Your point about his jealousy though was so true!
Calisto Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Sit back and let him come to you then. I wouldn't put much effort into getting into a relationship with him. He should show that he really wants you, and if he doesn't then he will keep having excuses and not pursue one.
HYS Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 You guys are young but who is to say that 20 y/o can't have love that will last. As far as losing a friend if it doesn't work out....hate to say this but you've already crossed that line so might as well go all the way. The only thing I would be concerned with is his jealousy. I dated a jealous guy and things that were completely innocent to me caused horrible arguements. Some people will say that he gets jealous because he care and I think it's true at times but make sure you find out the core reason he get jealous.
Author stellar4141 Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I've already had quite a few experiences of his jealousy. He gets jealous when I/my friends mention guys I've been with in the past, and we're both really good friends with a particular guy at uni. He's a really good looking guy and "my type" as far as aesthetics goes, and everyone knows this. He gets jealous when I talk to him for a long time and things, but I tell him he has nothing to worry about. I could see it getting a problem in the long term I suppose, but I'm not perfect either, and I'm willing to work through things to make things stronger between us. You're right when you say we've already crossed the friendship line, I think he's probably being a bit naive to think we could go back to how things were. Just spoke to him and he wants to come and stay with me this weekend so I do intend to say all this to him this weekend. Thanks again for your replies though it really helps to get an outsiders point of view
Calisto Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I don't think spilling your heart out right now is the right thing because you already did that and he stated he still wasn't sure about having a relationship with you. You will have better results if you let him spill his guts to you and him want a relationship with you and tell you that and pursue that. If you tell him you want a relationship, he might just be going along with the ride. I really think it has to come from him for this to work. He has to feel motivated to pursue a relationship with you.
Calisto Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 It sounds like your/his choice is already made. It basically sounds like things are as good as they can be with you two and that backing away from that would achieve nothing. Move forward carefully, learn and enjoy. :-) Uh, yeah, but he has to want a relationship with her and he already stated he doesn't want one.
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