Bullying throughout childhood has left its marks... Anyone else going through this?

[hermit]

Hi there... I'll try and make this v. long story as short as possible. Hate saying this, but i had a pretty horrible childhood - although i was so lucky to have loving parents and the most amazing brother. Was bullied virtually from the day i started school - and i don't just mean some girls teasing me. Small village school, maybe 200 pupils who ganged up and made a sport out of crushing me. I was introvert, dreamer, artistic, maybe hyper sensitive, anyway, there was nothing more funny to them than seeing me cut up. Sorry, don't want to sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself, am not, just trying to get to the bottom of my social ineptitude.

 

Brother suffered life threatening illness which meant mum and dad were v. caught up in caring for him... I ended up suicidal and incapable of talking to anyone as result of bullying and needed several years councelling as well as being sent to a special school which i dropped out of without any qualification. Massive blow for my educated parents - my brother is also a high achiever, who went to grammar school...

 

Wanted to end it all at age 18, had no qualification or prospects. Decided to fulfill life-long dream and move to uk - best thing i ever did. Massive confidence boost, was part of a group of friends, did a-levels... At the time i think i was actually quite confident!

 

"Friends" often used me though, stood me up, i was too timid and thankful to be allowed to be their friend to say anything. Meanwhile they have all moved abroad, and i never heard from them again. Two years ago i fell in love with a guy, and it was the first time a guy returned my feelings. I gave my everything in the relationship, did everything for him, just wanted him to be happy... 3 months ago he dumped me. Although he took me for granted, he was the only person i could talk to, laugh with.

 

I've worked very hard for years to get into music college, and i've been studying for a year now. I'm so proud to have achieved this everything considered... But i am so lonely. Much older than fellow students, my confidence as low as it was when i left home... I haven't had a hug or a chat since he left me. And i feel no connection to anyone. Also i have no friendship skill, as i still feel someone who accepts me as their friend is doing me a favour, and i have to somehow repay them...

 

Has anyone had similar experiences?? Would love to hear what you have to say, and whether you've found solutions....

 

Thanks

Hermit

[Ronni_W]

Hermit,

I don't have personal experience to draw from, but thought I would share what came to mind when I read your post: it sounds is if you have SO MUCH to offer, from your own life experiences and what you have overcome, as a mentor or "Big Sister" to youngsters and teens who have or are experiencing similar circumstances.

 

I can't really put it into words ~~ your level of awareness of feelings when dealing with being bullied and/or having a high-achieving sibling and/or who has a life-threatening illness -- these circumstances do help to develop strength, courage, tenacity and empathy. You seem to have the insight and wisdom about these things, that you can pass on to others who find themselves in similar situations.

 

You've also been able to set high goals for yourself, which honoured your own principles and values, and you've learned how to achieve your goals despite all sorts of adversities.

 

You do have a lot of really good "life stuff & wisdom" to pass on to others...in whatever way you choose to do that. Perhaps even as an author or motivational speaker? (in addition to expressing yourself through music, that is.)

 

Anyway. That's my 2 cents. Wishing you the very best through music college...and in life .

[Geishawhelk]

I actually also think you would benefit from some form of counselling. It might be a very good idea to channel your feelings and get some professional feedback and someone to bounce these feelings off of... because as it happens, I think Ronni may have a point.

You've looked at this very lucidly, and you plainly have a handle on how things habve made you feel.

 

Two things I'm picking up here.

You seem to be willing to do anything to feel Validated and Needed. Including lowering yourself to being a doormat. Your boyfriend took you for granted, you realised this, yet you stayed with him.

You were too 'timid and thankful' to say anything to friends who walked all over you.

 

Why? because the wrong attention is better than no attention at all.

 

So what do you have to do to break out of this cycle?

 

you have to realise - and I mean, see, learn, understand and fully accept - that you are every bit as good and deserving as they are. If not more so. because you, having known and experienced such treatment, won't be inclined to do it to anyone else.

 

let me also reveal a little secret to you: Something I discovered for myself, and couldn't believe at first, but found, in time, to be absloutely 100% true:

 

An awful, awful lot of people feel exactly the samne as you do.

 

Everyone's had different life-experiences. Some "better" some "worse" than yours.

 

This is not the issue, because everyone going through anything has a right to be understood, and has a right to know that their problems are being taken with the utmost seriousness....

But a lot of people - too many, far too many - have issues of self esteem and validation.

And you probably come face to face with them, every day.

 

But it's not something you can see, is it?

It doesn't stand out, and folk don't advertise it....

but it's true.

So actually, you're not as isolated, or 'different' as you may think.

People have funny ways of showing things.

And there are people around you who might actually admire you a great deal.

They just might not have enough self-esteem to tell you.

 

Chin up.

Good Luck.

Try to see someone about this.

You have far too much to give to let it be engulfed by something that is clearly resolvable.

[GPFan]

If rejection (or perceived rejection) feels like abandonment to you, then counselling would most definitely help.

 

Take care.

[hermit]

Thanks for your replies, Ronni_w what you say is really encouraging, i'm actually planning to go and work for a charity in africa or india after my studies. I guess one thing about having no friends is i'm not tied down and there's nothing to keep me in a place!

 

Geishawhelk & GPFan, thanks for your advice... Maybe i do need more counceling. I do know the problem definitely lies with me now. When i was a child/ teenager, i had no friends because people shunned me/ bullied me. But now i do think people do like me when they meet me, but i completely lack the ability to cope with this. I guess childhood is when we learn all our skills... and having had no friends, and living in fear of my peers, i never learned to interact with them. I really struggle to focus on a conversation and partake when there is more than one person involved... I must often seem aloof or absent-minded and in most cases find excuses to avoid lengthy interaction. Being around people is confusing and tiring and i always say the wrong things: As a kid i was a joker, being funny, silly to hide my feelings... Now i can't shake that off. So people might think i'm funny and crazy but that's it.

 

The only people i feel comfortable around are those much older than me - maybe because I never had friends my age and saw my parent's friends as friends? I dunno.... Just a theory. I don't know how to explain this - i can't cope with people, i learned to do everything on my own. But at the same time i feel like i'm going crazy!

[Geishawhelk]

I think it may be helpful to you to stop looking at it as your 'problem' and consider it to be more of a condition. Many people go through this.

There could be countless reasons for the many ways in which people react.

I for example, am in my early 50's.

When I was a child, the parents' authority was very respected. Children looked up to their parents, and parents were not taught, or given the notion that children were to be talked to, or engaged with in any way to safeguard their mental development. "Do as I say" was the norm, with all kinds of parents buying into the Dr. Spock way of child-raising...

 

Then, along came the liberal swinging 60's, when women burnt their bras, children referred to parents by their first names, and discipline swung completely the other way. Parents became so liberal-minded, some children ruled the roost, in an effort to really bing out their real temperament, let it flourish and develop freely, unfettered by the restrictions of the previous generation.

 

What a mess that made!! Confusing, doesn't cover it.

Now?

Don't ask.

we have a generation of youngsters who rule inner cities by wielding knives and dealing with drugs. Sometimes, their ages are only just into double figures.

What state of mind are we cultivating, there?

 

So you see, every generation does the best it can, with the tools they've got. And sometimes we get things right, and sometimes we get things wrong.

Right, wrong, problem, whatever. it doesn't matter really, I suppose, what you call it.

 

The question is, when it's on your plate - when it's he only tool you have - what are you going to do with it?

If we call it a hammer, then you can either build a house with it, or smash a brick wall with it.

 

Look at all the things (knowledge, experience, skills, intellect) you've developped over the years, hermit.

 

Now, use them to build your house.

 

You may need some help (through counselling) but find the right 'apprentice'. Don't stop off at the first one. Meet a few and find one you can engage with and strike up a sucesful rapport with.

Google the internet for anything you can find on difficulty engaging wih others, or shyness, excess humour, that kind of thing.

You'll see that what I said is true.

You're not alone.

Go get 'em, Tiger!

 

Oh, and - your name speaks volumes, doesn't it?

 

"Hermit"?

 

Come on outside, the sun is shining!!