maskedmango Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I have been married to my wife for 8 years. I married her for love. She has had problems with her sex drive since I have met her, but I overlooked it. I know there is more than life than just sex. But lately, it has really been frustrating me. I started to confiding a lot of our problems to a friend at work. She is in the same boat as me as she is married and constantly gets the cold shoulder from her husband. It seems that my friend and I have more compatiable sex drives than with our spouses. My friend is a wonderful girl and I have often thought that if I had met her before I met my wife, I would of married her. But the reality is that we are both married. We both have young children. But we both have been really really close to having sex with each other. We both have stopped it saying that we shouldn't do this, but I keep asking myself lately, why not? I know that we are just filling each others voids in our lives, but maybe she is the right girl for me. I don't know what to do anymore. We can't stop thinking of each other. We txt and email each other all the time, even on nights and weekends. We go out to lunch together by ourselves every day at work. I am sure people in the office think we are having an affair, but I can honestly say I have never touched her. My wife refuses to go see a marriage counsuler. She thinks everything is fine and that I should not be so wound up about sex. The thought of my friend and I not being together as friends just depresses the heck out of me. I really don't know what to do. I have lost a lot of sleep over this.
LifesontheUp Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I have lost a lot of sleep over this. You will lose a lot more than sleep if you have this affair and your wife finds out. You will likely lose your wife and kids and for what??........some fling, a bit of illicit fun with someone who its fun to be with now as its exciting and a big secret. Sit down with your wife before its too late. Try and make her understand the risks here and whats happening to you. Try and get into counselling before you take that leap into the fire from which you will get burned to a crisp. It isn't worth it, read around and you'll see the fall out from an affair can be nuclear.
norajane Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 My wife refuses to go see a marriage counsuler. She thinks everything is fine and that I should not be so wound up about sex. Tell her that you are seriously contemplating cheating on her. That there's a woman you have your eye on and are this-close to having sex with her. My guess is that will help your wife understand that everything is NOT fine, and marriage counseling is in order. And if you think you could never tell your wife that you're thinking about having an affair, then just try and imagine yourself getting caught having one.
porter218 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 You really need to talk to your wife about this. I know that for some reason a lot of women just don't understand how important sex is to their husbands. Just be a real man about it and tell her that because you are being deprived of sex you may look else where for it if she isn't willing to work on this problem. I am not saying tell her you already have someone in mind, just let her know you can't keep on this way like nothing is wrong. She will probably wake up and realize what she is risking by ignoring your complaints. If you love your wife then leave this OW alone, work on your marriage. It will all blow up in your face if you continue to distract yourself with the OW.
sunshine111 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 couldnt agree more with porter. If women constantly deny their husband sex who can blame the husband looking elsewhere. Sit down and talk to her. If you have young children maybe she is tired. Do you still fancy eachother?
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I totally agree with all the other posters. Just don't expect that your talking to your wife is going to make any difference at all. At the end of the day, it boils down to what kind of person YOU want to be. Do you want to be someone who reneges on YOUR fidelity vows? If that doesn't matter to you, go ahead and have your affair(s), and worry about the consequences if/when you get caught out. If it does matter to you, get the heck out of your marriage and have all the sex you want and need. Sometimes it IS easier than we make it out to be, in our heads. There is no need to risk your mental and physical health over this. There is just a need to make a decision about what type of human being you want to be. Which isn't always easy to figure out. But THAT is what needs to be figured out.
Spectre Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Talk to her about it, don't be like the other douchebags on this forum who selfishly cheat. There are medicines and treatments out there that will help her get her sex drive back. If she is unwillingy to do anything about this, then consider leaving her. It may sound harsh, but sex is a big part of a marriage and if she refuses to work on it, why should you go the rest of your life without sex, or why should you be forced to cheat on her? If she truly loves you and cares about the marriage, she'll work on it. Any female that thinks she can deny her husband sex for years, for whatever reason, and have it not effect their marriage, is incredibly naive.
mental_traveller Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 You will lose a lot more than sleep if you have this affair and your wife finds out. You will likely lose your wife and kids and for what??........some fling, a bit of illicit fun with someone who its fun to be with now as its exciting and a big secret. Sit down with your wife before its too late. Try and make her understand the risks here and whats happening to you. Try and get into counselling before you take that leap into the fire from which you will get burned to a crisp. It isn't worth it, read around and you'll see the fall out from an affair can be nuclear. But his marriage is basically dead. He has no sexual relationship at all. It is just two "friends", one of whom (her) is exploiting the security and comfort provided by the other (him), without giving him the things that he needs. She won't even go to counselling! This guy should just divorce the wife asap IMO.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 But lately, it has really been frustrating me. I started to confiding a lot of our problems to a friend at work WRONG move! Talk to your wife. So what if she's said she feels there's nothing wrong and there's no need for counselling - YOU tell her how it makes you feel that she's rejecting you sexually. Let her know that other women are starting to appeal to you - THAT ought to get her attention. Also, you make it clear to her that as understanding as you have been, it still HURTS you that she isn't into sex, the intimacy and bonding that goes on while having sex. Stop running to the OW, that's just pure stupidity and selfishness talking..You DO NOT need anothe woman in your life! You've got one next to you - For life! Unless you screw up and go have sex with the OW, then you can kiss your marriage and everything that you've become accustomed to, goodbye. Think of your kids. You're not only cheating and lying, betraying your wife, you're doing that to your kids too! You're hurting INNOCENT people who deserve more from you. Start thinking with the proper "head" and sort this out before you become someone who'll hate.
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 But his marriage is basically dead. He has no sexual relationship at all. It is just two "friends", one of whom (her) is exploiting the security and comfort provided by the other (him), without giving him the things that he needs. She won't even go to counselling! This guy should just divorce the wife asap IMO. Nobody should throw away a marriage without a real honest effort to fix it first. He has talked about this problem to her but has failed to impress upon her the importance of this issue. Honestly, this isn't that hard to fix once he is clear about how it is affecting him. This isn't beyond repair at all.
Author maskedmango Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Thanks for all the advice. I tried talking to her today about it. We talked for a good three hours. I told her how I felt about our relationship and the role that sex plays into it. She at first kept making excuses and was very defensive. She finally just said that she feels very pressured and she just doesn't have a sex drive at all right now. I asked what can we do to fix it, that I would do anything. I offered counseling, toys, etc, whatever she wanted. She just said time. I told her how frustrated I was and that a lot of time has passed already and she said she would work at it, but that she couldn't make any promises. I didn't tell her I was about to cheat on her. I think I didn't tell her for selfish reasons. I know that would lead to a divorce talk and I think I realized that I am selfishly stringing her along in case it doesn't work out with the other woman. That isn't fair to her. I am going to try to convince her that we need to go seek professional help and that if we don't we can't keep going this way. I guess a little bit of honesty will go along way here.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Get her to see a doctor, have check up, maybe there's a medical reason why she isn't into sex. Or she's depressed. You wussed out in telling her that you were interested in another woman. You should have told her. Let me ask you, and please be honest here - Are you going to continue seeing the OW and be friendly with her? Maybe divorce IS the answer either way, but you OWE it to your children to give your marriage your absolute best WITHOUT a third party (OW) in your life. The OW is providing a HUGE ego feed for you, emotionally and sexually. And I'm sure you're doing the same for her. It has to stop so I hope you have the guts to end with her and stop speaking to her, go no contact.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I am going to try to convince her that we need to go seek professional help and that if we don't we can't keep going this way. I guess a little bit of honesty will go along way here. Tell her that if things don't get better then the marriage is going to fall apart because you need to have sex. OR maybe she would be willing to have an open marriage with you, though I doubt she will. ALOT of honesty will go a long way, so don't pick and choose. Another thing, are you intimate with your wife in the sense of holding her, cuddling, kissing and hand holding? In the past and now as well?
stillwaitingonyou Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My friend is a wonderful girl and I have often thought that if I had met her before I met my wife, I would of married her. But the reality is that we are both married. We both have young children. But we both have been really really close to having sex with each other. We both have stopped it saying that we shouldn't do this, but I keep asking myself lately, why not? I know that we are just filling each others voids in our lives, but maybe she is the right girl for me. This part troubles me the most. It doesn't seem that you and your "friend" are just finding each other as an outlet to your "problems"... It really seems as though you two have a very deep connection and that is what is drawing you close to each other. If you were just sex-deprived you would just want the physical happiness, but you honestly feel that this new girl could be right girl for you! I'm sorry but you need to tell your wife... everything. I am in a relationship (not married) that I have been in for about 5 years. My boyfriend has met someone at work who he gets along with tremendously. I do not know whether or not he has cheated on me and I don't feel that he has... however, I wish he could be honest with me and let me go. That way I can at least be with someone who wants to be with me. I know it will hurt, but at least you will be doing everyone (including you) a favor...
Author maskedmango Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 You are right that the OW is a big ego feed. It does feel good to be wanted again. We have been to numerous doctors over the years and nothing has really helped. I am still very affectionate with my wife. I cuddle, hold hands, etc. with her all the time. I truly do care for her. I think it would be hard not to speak to the OW at all. We were good friends before we escalated our relationship and it would be very difficult to cut her out of my life completely. I can cut the relationship back down to just being friends, but I can't just cut her off.
Author maskedmango Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 This part troubles me the most. It doesn't seem that you and your "friend" are just finding each other as an outlet to your "problems"... It really seems as though you two have a very deep connection and that is what is drawing you close to each other. You are right that we have a deep connection. We have been friends for years and we are both very similar people with similar interests. I truly care about her and I don't want to hurt her either. But she has made a commitment to her husband as I have to my wife. Geez, what does love have to be so complicated?
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 So, is a hot roll in the hay with an ego feed worth throwing away your marriage, hurting your wife, ruining ALL faith and trust she has in you, ruining your family, hurting your kids? Think about that. You cheat, your wife finds out, she tells the OW's husband, ALL of you go through living hell, disruption for the kids, turning their lives upside down ALL for some hot sex. If you can sleep at night, look yourself in the mirror, then do it. Go have sex with the OW and deal with the fallout, the consquences of your selfish choices. CHEATING IS A CHOICE, so stop putting yourself IN that situation where you won't say no. You cannot be 'friends' with the OW. You admitted that if you weren't married already you would be with her. You two are NOT just friends because you've crossed lines and it's NOT innocent and platonic. It will be an emotional affair, like it is now, just maybe without the making out. That STILL is cheating on your wife. You CAN cut her off. You just don't want to. Do you want your marriage, your family under one roof, or do you want to ruin so many people's lives because of the OW? Imagine you left your wife to be with the OW, gave up everything..And then the OW decides not to leave her Husband and kids. There's a good chance of that happening, because right now it's "safe" and neither of you are talking about ending marriages and disrupting lives. Go read in the OM/OW forum, and in the infidelity forum as well. See what pain the OW/OM go through, see what pain the betrayed spouse goes through - Do you want this in your life?
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 But she has made a commitment to her husband as I have to my wife. Think this next time you are with the OW. Geez, what does love have to be so complicated? Because you forgot the above - You've made a committment to your wife. You said vows. You two created CHILDREN together. That should count. Your loyality and love should be with your wife and kids NOT the OW and your lust for her. Stop putting energy into the OW and put it into fixing your marriage, your wife and your kids.
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Thanks for all the advice. I tried talking to her today about it. We talked for a good three hours. I told her how I felt about our relationship and the role that sex plays into it. She at first kept making excuses and was very defensive. She finally just said that she feels very pressured and she just doesn't have a sex drive at all right now. I asked what can we do to fix it, that I would do anything. I offered counseling, toys, etc, whatever she wanted. She just said time. I told her how frustrated I was and that a lot of time has passed already and she said she would work at it, but that she couldn't make any promises. I didn't tell her I was about to cheat on her. I think I didn't tell her for selfish reasons. I know that would lead to a divorce talk and I think I realized that I am selfishly stringing her along in case it doesn't work out with the other woman. That isn't fair to her. I am going to try to convince her that we need to go seek professional help and that if we don't we can't keep going this way. I guess a little bit of honesty will go along way here. You missed the most important thing you needed to talk about. The only way for someone like her to understand the gravity of the situation is to let her know that it is making you toy with the idea of cheating. You can be careful in how you word this to do damage control. Don't tell her that you are considering a specific person, just that you are being pushed in the direction of cheating..and you don't want to take the dishonest route hence this discussion. She will be very upset at first and defensive, but after it sinks in what you have said, she will be more proactive about getting help with this. She will eventually appreciate your honesty and understand that you are man enough to talk this out and solve the problem without taking the low road(cheating). You should also try to find out what it takes to get her turned on at this point. A lot of women don't hardly have a libido until their SO does something to turn them on. Maybe you haven't really tried to find out what gets her going these days because you are to busy fantasizing and flirting with this OW.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 The only way for someone like her to understand the gravity of the situation is to let her know that it is making you toy with the idea of cheating. Exactly. I mentioned that earlier - He should tell his wife that he's starting to look at other women. MOST women in hearing that WILL react and DO instead of say I will and don't. (In the sense of saying they'll change, or try harder) Your wife needs to know what and WHO she's up against.
ibisflight Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Did anyone stop to think WHY she has no sex drive? VERY few women have physical conditions that prevent sexual enjoyment. If this were true, the human species would be much less prolific. Is it no sex drive at all or no sex drive with husband? Many times withholding sex in a marriage is a "punishment for perceived infractions. It is more likely to be a mental block, a vagina "gag" reflex than it is to be a physical condition. IS husband sure she has not discovered someone who "understands" her? Marriage can go dull on both sides of the bed. It may be that she thinks he is already having sex, or that she is already having sex, or that she feels guilty about thinking about it... and the list goes on. It may be that she knows sex is important and is with holding it to MAKE him look elsewhere, thus increase property settlements or more likely ensure child custody....guys should never underestimate the female evil factor. I can say that.. I'm a female. BUT the bottom line is..... life is too short to be miserable. If you are miserable, get out of the marriage. BUT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT have an affair until you are at least separated. THAT will cost you emotionally and financially WHEN you finally divorce. Because if there is no sex, and one person needs it, divorce is inevitable.
norajane Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I know that would lead to a divorce talk and I think I realized that I am selfishly stringing her along in case it doesn't work out with the other woman.And what exactly does "work out with the other woman" mean to you? That she would leave her husband, young children in tow, so that the two of you can be together? Odds are very low that will ever happen. Or does it mean starting an affair and getting so deep into it, getting enough ego-validation from it, that you have enough courage to leave your wife? Even though OW will not leave her husband? Leaving you yearning for a woman who will never be yours? Things aren't going to "work out" with the other woman. The only things that can work out is you being honest with your wife about wanting to cheat and working out your sexual/marital problems. Or, not being able to work out your problems, but getting a divorce and freeing yourself to love someone else one day who is also free to love you. AND giving your wife the option of also finding that kind of love for herself.
GPFan Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I would go so far as to say that neither of you should contemplate entering a physical relationship until you are both divorced. Nice and clean. Clear conscience on both sides. To do otherwise would be a disservice to yourself.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Nice and clean. Clear conscience on both sides. Yup. If it's real love, you two can wait for eachother and end the marriages properly so the relationship will BE a relationship not an affair. Do it the right way and divorce first.
BentSpine Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I would file for divorce tomorrow. Tell your partner that you're no longer promise exclusivity to her and that you have met someone else. That way, you don't cheat because it's all out in the open. No need to wait until the burocratic process of divorce has been completed because that's for the state. If the state authority was more efficient, you could be formally divorced in a day. By being honest and declaring that you're leaving before you and your special woman are intimate, you keep your honour. So your partner has been medically checked for her lack of sexual drive. And she cannot mention anything specific you could do for her to make deposits in her love account for you. She doesn't want to go to counselling. She never had much drive to begin with. Well, the bottom line appears to be that she doesn't want to have sex with you. And there seems to be nothing you can do to change her. If she wanted a sexual drive for you and had any hope for that to happen in the future, she would gladly try counselling. Now she avoids counselling, since she doesn't have hope for sex to become enjoyable for her. You did not choose how to phrase your words at the wedding. But If you're honest with yourself, if you had had that choice, your words would have been something along "I promise to be exclusive with you as long as you meet my needs." Now your needs have not been met in a long time.
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