SweptAway Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I went speed dating along with two of my single girlfriends. I'm not actively seeking a relationship but they are. They are both 26, live at home and have never had boyfriends - gorgeous girls wracked with insecurities basically. We had a lot of fun, we all got quite tipsy so things became blurry at the end of the night. Anyway, I ended up sleeping with one of the guys that night. I wasn't seeking a one night stand but it just kind of happened and it was fun and that was that. I didn't expect anything more from that guy, I'm fully aware that one night stands don't often blossom into relationships. Two days later he emails my girlfriend and wants to hang out with her. He knows she is a close friend and she is aware of the one nighter. Well, I would have expected her to tell him to get f***ed but she is going to pursue him.......this makes me uncomfortable. She then told me that I should "give other people a go", "stand back a bit" that when a guy approaches me in a bar "i should introduce him to my other friends" and I should stop "cutting peoples grass". Apparently she quite liked the guy i slept with (ummm she knew him as well as I did for that whole 2 hour period!!!) but she said nothing to me about it during the night. I was so shocked, I didnt know how to interpret this and Im still seeking answers. I always support them, I always compliment them, get them into situations were they can meet more people etc I would never go out of my way to sabotage them. I am very secure and confident with who I am. I've worked hard and made a lot of mistakes to become who I am that includes a few long and short term boyfriends (or disasters). I have my own place, a great job, I'm FINALLY reasonably happy about the way I look and I THOUGHT I had some great friends. I would do anything to make them happy, but thus has been a blow like none other. I just cant figure out if its jealousy and their own insecurities or if I am "cutting their grass"? I don't really understand, I dont want to hurt them but I dont know how to be someone else and I dont want to change, I like who I am! What do I do? Am I in the wrong??? Should I become more introverted???
refurb Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I don't see what the problem is. Your friend is interested in the guy, what's the problem? RF
jerbear Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 What do I do? Am I in the wrong??? Should I become more introverted??? Short answer: keep being yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, and definitely do not be more introverted. Is there something similar to "bro's before ho's" in women world? I know about the "sisterhood." The guy does not really care, she likes him and will still pursue him. Honestly I think that guy did a great job, got you and a friend; way to go, dude! Give them a few days and both of them (him mainly) may ask for a 3some with you. I do not think she is that good of a friend and I think your one night stand did both of you did each other a favor. You're friend does not really care and seems like you care. Your friend used you for support to go to the event then got the guy. Sounds like you've already helped her out by having a one night stand. The guy was really after your friend and got to her through you.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I think it's pretty gross that the guy slept with you and is now wanting to talk to your friend 2 days later. Eww. Pretty inconsiderate. If he was interested in her, then why did he sleep with you? Because you were there and available? Ick. Anyway... I think I MIGHT know where your friend is coming from. Do you have the kind of personality that really shines and sparkles? Are you attractive? Do you naturally get a lot of attention? Do you LIKE getting that attention? If this is true, then maybe you can tone it down a bit around your girlfriends. These are great traits to have, but they maybe overwhelming your more reticent friends. Talk to them about it and tell them you want to understand where they are coming from. I have been on both sides of this coin.
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Well, it comes down to this. In life, there are people that you f**k, and people that you date. You got the one-night stand, and your friend is getting the dates. I think you are jealous that she is being treated with respect, and you had your "fun" and then got tossed aside. BUT, don't take this out on your gf. I don't think she is doing ANYTHING wrong here. You set yourself up for a one-nighter - most guys will take advantage of that, but ultimately, both of them connected and are looking to date and have a legitimate relationship. Why are so you bothered that she is dating him? It's not like he's an ex of yours, which is known "no-go" territory.
Author SweptAway Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 If she wants to date that guy..well fine I guess but it just feels really weird. Part of it is that I got tossed aside, I don't care about that I've just never been confronted with it like this. That and she hasn't lost her virginity yet and wants to wait for someone special and I can't understand how my sloppy seconds is the special guy.Anyway.. It's more what she said about standing back and giving others a go that bothers me. I've always helped my friends out in the dating department and set them up in lots of situations. What she said has really left me shell shocked. I don't think I can change, I've taken so long and been through too much to get where I am and feel happy about myself. I don't throw myself at men at all, for that one night stand he was the one who propositioned me, I said goodnight and was walking off home when he stopped me. Is she just reflecting her insecurities on to me? I'm just wondering if I should distance myself from her
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I can't understand how my sloppy seconds is the special guy. Well, just because you weren't special to him, doesn't mean they won't be to each other. I still think this is all stemming from jealousy. FWIW, if I were you, Id be pissed if I got thrown away as a one-nighter, and then my friend started dating the guy. I get the feeling that perhaps you are a little monopolizing in a group situation. Perhaps she has some good comments for you in that regard, and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss them. OR, she was perhaps vibing on him and was hoping you would let her pursue him instead of swooping in and going home with him. I have definitely been out and liked a guy I met, but if I felt like my gf was into him, I ALWAYS have stepped back. I think she was saying this is what you should have done.
Trialbyfire Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Two days later he emails my girlfriend and wants to hang out with her. He knows she is a close friend and she is aware of the one nighter. Eewwww... His behaviour says it all, about who he is. I can't understand what either one of you sees in him and for that matter, why you're fighting over him now. For all you know, he could be looking for the next one night stand in your friend. He's not yours to feel territorial about, so back off. Your friend will learn soon enough that it's highly doubtful a guy like this is relationship material.
SugarKiss Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I agree with Jillybean, I think you are jealous because your friend got the interest and you just got used and put aside. I don't fault the guy for going after your friend you all me tat speedating and it's a free for all at this point and no one owes anyone anything, except for your friend she owes you loyalty in terms of doing what is right for the friendship. but what that means is that you need to discuss with her how this makes you feel, if you think it is wrong of her to go out with this guy you need to express this to her, if she proceeds you know where her prorities are. but if you tell her "sure I'm cool with what you are doing and then turn around and expect her to do otherwise it's your fault for not being clear with her on what you want and expect out of the friendship. you are contradicting yourself here making it seem like you are fine with the one night stand thing and then seem bothered the guy didn't go for you so I am sure your friend is getting the same mixed signals. either you are cool with it or not. I'm afraid you blew your chance with him already and since you wanted nothing more out of this, as you already said, I don't think it should matter if he dates your friend. I just don't think you are being honest about how you really feel, but that's just what I see.
Author SweptAway Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 OK this post is not going the right way it ISN'T about that guy. I am not fighting for him NOT AT ALL he's a creep. I really don't want a relationship from this guy. As I said, its not really that, it was just the icing on the cake of insults. I had no idea she was keen on him, otherwise I would step back as I ALWAYS do. As I said I always help my friends out, I'm not a mind reader though. If they don't say anything then should I have to constantly check which guy in the room they are keen on and avoid him?
Author SweptAway Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I told her straight away that it made me uncomfortable. I'm not contradicting myself. I don't want a relationship from him. But I want my friendship WITH HER and its the fact that after dealing out a whole lot of "you should be insecure about yourself like I am" comments she goes ahead with this guy despite the fact that its just plain awkward and that for the first time ever, I actually feel cheap!! THis post was supposed to be about the comments she made not this loser. If she wants to date him I will get over the awkwardness, its her funeral, I dont believe for a second that his intentions are honorable. This post was about my friendship with her, not this guy. As I said, I'll get over the weirdness of that situation soooner rather than later
SugarKiss Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 OK this post is not going the right way it ISN'T about that guy. I am not fighting for him NOT AT ALL he's a creep. I really don't want a relationship from this guy. As I said, its not really that, it was just the icing on the cake of insults. I had no idea she was keen on him, otherwise I would step back as I ALWAYS do. As I said I always help my friends out, I'm not a mind reader though. If they don't say anything then should I have to constantly check which guy in the room they are keen on and avoid him? sorry I don't get where the insults are. you said you were not looking for a relationship and you were fine with the fact you ended up in a one night stand situation, so where is the insult here??? so if you are ok to help your friends out what's the problem here you know now she is interested in this guy so what's the difference? seems your friend doesn't mind you slept with this guy but that it's you that minds that she wants to date him. so how do you get she expected you to be a mind reader?
Tomcat33 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I told her straight away that it made me uncomfortable. I'm not contradicting myself. I don't want a relationship from him. But I want my friendship WITH HER and its the fact that after dealing out a whole lot of "you should be insecure about yourself like I am" comments she goes ahead with this guy despite the fact that its just plain awkward and that for the first time ever, I actually feel cheap!! THis post was supposed to be about the comments she made not this loser. If she wants to date him I will get over the awkwardness, its her funeral, I dont believe for a second that his intentions are honorable. This post was about my friendship with her, not this guy. As I said, I'll get over the weirdness of that situation soooner rather than later I see what you are saying, I think your friend is just so desperate to be with a guy she will stop at nothing to land a possible relationship especially since she never had one. I had a good friend who did this to me once, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship after 6 yrs and was starting to date again and we were out and ran into this doctor friend of hers, the guy had known her for a long time and had dated a model friend of hers, he was very goodlooking and superficial too (I later found out) anyway he asked me for my # that night and we seemed to have hit it off. During the week she was also in contact with him and they talked on the phone and since they were also "friends" well he was very interested in dating me and he called me to make plans he took me out to dinner and we did not have the same connection, I found him to be extremely arrogant and domineering and somewhat chauvenistic I could see why he was used to dating models and "yes" girls, he is a surgeon and prob was constantly surrounded by women who worshiped the ground he walked on both in and outside the operating room. Sort of a god complex if you will and I have no time for that no one is that important no matter how great they look. Anway he payed for dinner and called me again later that week but I was not interested in seeing him again. I told my friend about the experience and about two weeks later I find out that she is making plans to go out with him. Well it bothered me that she would wait until I was not interested in him to pursue him since I point blank asked her if she was into him when she was trying to set us up. As it turns out (so she says) he was asking her out after things failed with me and him. But here is the kicker, they went out a few times but the guy was so into himself he made my friend pay for the date the first time the second time they went halves and she paid for most of the bill and the guy would not make plans with her she would go through hoops to see him. She would tell me these things and I would try to coach her but she saw it as me being jealous that he was with her but later she realised that he was just not into her at all, and sure enough the last straw was when they were out together for a drink at a local lounge and she was getting them drinks because she knew the owner of the bar and he met up with and old female "friend" and left her stranded at the bar and dissapeared all night to go off with this friend after he had drank for free at the begining of the night with my friend. This almost cost us our friendship because while she saw me as the villain for wanting to open her eyes to what a loser this guy really was, she failed to see I was doing it out of my concern and love for her and not because I did not want her to succeed with this guy. But she was so desperate to have a boyfriend even her best friend was the enemy that she thought was keeping her from her own happiness. Let you friend dig her own grave I say...and she will learn the hardway.
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 for the first time ever, I actually feel cheap!! Why do you feel cheap if this is just about your friendship with her?
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