The love of my life (looooong)

[Nevermind]

I am writing this to get over the entire relationship, not just the break-up. Comments would be very much appreciated, both "wow, you lost something irreplaceable" and "good riddance pull yourself together". Maybe somebody can learn something from it, maybe I can too.

 

Trying to be as objective as I can.

 

It started right after I went so Spain to further my education.

I met him, when we took a test together. He chased me for 3 weeks, then I gave in. I fell in love with him little by little because he treated me so calm and respectful. The way he looked at me sometimes (till the end) was that of perfect happiness. He seemed proud to be with me. Yet he changed little by little too. The jokes about my inability to cook, or my fleeting mind...he called me "scema", which means stupid, all the time. It became my pet name.

 

He knew that I had no sexual past, and that I had nearly been raped once. So, when one day, he wouldn't stop touching me, even though I screamed no, I ran away. He followed me, but I didn't speak to him. His watch (which had been in my purse) was lost during the process.

 

This was the way he remembered the night: that I had "thrown away" his watch. He never apologized. Never asked if I was okay. He kept on talking about the watch. And yet didn't allow me to buy him a new one. I stayed. Because of guilt. And because I got the feeling that he must love me so much, because he forgive me my terrible behaviour.

 

He moved into my room for a month, because life in his flat was terrible.It was blissful, just us. We held each other for hours and just kissed. Heaven.

It was great. But..one day, he wanted to have sex in the morning. So he woke me up, put some lubricant on me and ****ed me. I lay there motionless. He got angry when I hardly spoke that morning. And then I exploded, told him that I felt used and horrible. We never spoke about it again.

 

The year ended. He said that he loved me, that he wanted to try the long distance. I loved him. He was my everything. He cried so hard the day he left, and at the airport I told him that he was the love of my life. I meant it.

 

He went and I didn't hear from him. For one month, all I got was 3 short chats, that I had to wait the entire day for, and that was that. This would never change during the LDR. It was his schedule, never mine and he couldn't even tell me times. I had to move my day around his. When I came to his house, he made me lie to his parents about who I was, about how long I was going to stay, about everything.

 

I had made him some great presents for christmas. He didn't bother to send me a card. I got a calender at the beginning of January. He didn't call me on my birthday. Nor did I get a present.

 

Then he came to me. For 10 days. I was happy. So happy. When he saw me, he cried and made me promise him that we would never be so far apart again for so long. I had bought him a really expensive watch, because I wanted to give him something special. He hadn't brought me anything. After over 3 months of separation. I was hurt. He told me he would have to go to Stockholm to celebrate his father's birthday. I went and bought him a warm hat for the trip.

 

He kissed me goodbye early in the morning and went in tears. He went to meet a Spanish girl whom he had started to see on my birthday. She was staying in his city as an exchange student.

 

We stayed together for 2 more months. He barely communicated and if he did, it was passive-aggressive. I gave him an ultimatum - to communicate better and have time for me, or to lose me. He told me that I was the love of his life (had done so during these 2 months before) that he wanted to spend his life with me, and that he couldn't lose me. Yet, he couldn't send me an e-mail in a week. I ended it.

 

We kept talking. Actually, he finally gave me the attention and love I had been craving. He opened up, told me how he missed me, how he couldn't lose me like this. Then - I detailed this in the coping section - I read his e-mails and found out the truth. Sadly, it doesn't even end there. There are lots of wounds he caused me, and lots of hurt. He ended up wishing me dead, and then to see me again. Whenever I answer to this, he takes it back.

 

 

I should never have put up with all that in the first place. Not in the real relationship, nor in the long distance. He had his great sides, but overall, he is not a good partner. In the long distance, I made him to be something he never was.

[sb129]

Sorry to hear about your hurt Nevermind.

 

You know deep in yourself that you have lost something that was hurting you, and that its a good thing that it has gone now.

 

Its easy to ignore someones red flags when you are in a LDR.

 

You will heal with time- I hope one day you find someone who is much more tender and sensitive to your needs.

[Stockalone]

He knew that I had no sexual past, and that I had nearly been raped once. So, when one day, he wouldn't stop touching me, even though I screamed no, I ran away. He followed me, but I didn't speak to him. His watch (which had been in my purse) was lost during the process.

 

This was the way he remembered the night: that I had "thrown away" his watch. He never apologized. Never asked if I was okay. He kept on talking about the watch.

 

...

 

But..one day, he wanted to have sex in the morning. So he woke me up, put some lubricant on me and ****ed me. I lay there motionless. He got angry when I hardly spoke that morning. And then I exploded, told him that I felt used and horrible. We never spoke about it again.

 

You do realize that this is not the behaviour of a "man" (and I use that term losely here) who respects you. Certainly not something a guy that loves you would ever do.

 

 

 

PS:

 

Kopf hoch, auch wenn es jetzt noch schwer fällt. Aber so ein Kerl verdient deine Tränen nicht.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

...he called me "scema", which means stupid, all the time. It became my pet name.

 

This is all it would have taken me to walk away, for good. If you want my honest opinion, I think you gave this buffoon much more of a chance than he ever deserved. And the sexual abuse? Trust me, he wouldn't be in possession of his, uh, pride and joy - I'd go Lorena Bobbitt on his ass with zero hesitation. A man isn't a man if they have to rape to get their jollies.

 

(Sorry for the less-than-polite language - but rape makes me very angry.)

 

I'm sorry that you've suffered so much hurt - but you're much better off without this waste of sperm in your life. You'll find someone who is a real man, a kind and loving man, someone who treats you as you should be treated.

 

I just hope you don't still talk to this guy.

[Nevermind]

Yes, I know. Some part of me thinks, that if I had been stronger and with a bigger group of friends, a more prestigious career etc, he would have been different.

 

But it's all just in my head. Another part of me is angry, that this guy has another girlfriend and goes on living happily while I am left with the pain. Part of me even wants him happy. Part of me is afraid to die lonely. [/melodramatic]

 

P.S. Danke. Ist schon merkwürdig, in meinem Kopf will ich ihn gar nicht wieder haben. Nur mein dummes Herz verweigert die Kooperation.

 

Neverletmedownagain: I am not sure if it was rape. I did not say no, I just refused cooperation. I mean, I lay there looking away from him, till he finished. But I did bring it up after...and he should have apologized.

 

Contact...

 

I did. He wrote me, and was all apologetic, so I replied and then he took everything back again. Last time was Wednesday. I am working very hard on no-contact this time. Which is one of the reasons why I posted the entire relationship-history. So that I cannot come here and whine about losing something great. I hope somebody will knock some sense into me when I do. That's a bit selfish..

[Nevermind]

Now...I wonder. Was it me? If I had tried harder, done more...would he still love me? Was I bad in the LDR?

[sb129]

Now...I wonder. Was it me? If I had tried harder, done more...would he still love me? Was I bad in the LDR?

 

NO! Please don't think like that.

 

The way he disrespected your physical boundaries suggests to me that it was his fault and not yours.

That alone speaks volumes to me about what kind of person he really is.

 

He also disrespected you in other ways by calling you stupid and played games with you.

 

No amount of effort on your part would have changed that.

Nevermind, you give some other posters on LS some excellent advice.

 

What would you advise yourself?

[Nevermind]

To forget that loser.

 

I just read an e-mail from his new girlfriend, it was send to an account I hardly use...weeks ago. Apparently they wrote it together. It is...beyond cruel. I can barely write, the shaking is back here.

 

He wrote to me all this time after that e-mail. He must have found it funny, for some reason. I only read it now...and I feel sick.

 

He is a sick bastard. And I question why I was with him, and why apparently he is what is out there for me.

 

Sick.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Neverletmedownagain: I am not sure if it was rape. I did not say no, I just refused cooperation. I mean, I lay there looking away from him, till he finished. But I did bring it up after...and he should have apologized.

 

Ah, hon, I can only imagine how devastating that must feel - regardless of the circumstances. Refusing cooperation, though, in my mind is saying "no". And if he continued on with the act after you said no.... to me, that is rape.

 

Semantics aside, though, let's talk about you. You're what's important here.

 

Was it me? If I had tried harder, done more...would he still love me? Was I bad in the LDR?

 

It breaks my heart to even see you saying this. You did nothing wrong. Honestly? If you want my opinion, you escaped a very abusive relationship, and now you're putting the blame upon yourself - like any abuse survivor would. You did what you had to in order to deal with what sounds to me like a very cruel, angry, frankly criminal... person. (And I use the word 'person' lightly in this case, trust me.) You could have been "the perfect person", and he wouldn't have appreciated one whit of the things that you'd done. People who act this way don't appreciate anything - it's never good enough, it's never just so, it's never the way they'd do it, on and on.

 

There is nothing you could have done. If anything, hon, he's the one that needs to step up to the plate and act like a decent human being - but honestly, from the way it sounds, he's not even capable of that much.

 

I just read an e-mail from his new girlfriend, it was send to an account I hardly use...weeks ago. Apparently they wrote it together. It is...beyond cruel. I can barely write, the shaking is back here.

 

Is there any way that you can block him and his new witch from writing you? You don't need this crap in your life - you've gotten away from him and you have the chance to begin fresh, anew, with a person that will love you - without hurting you.

 

apparently he is what is out there for me

 

Oh, no... no, no, no. There is someone out there for you that will not treat you like this. You do not deserve to be treated like this!

 

 

Are you in counseling by any chance?

[Nevermind]

The thing is...I was happy with him. He used to say that I was great, and so beautiful...and that it didn't matter if I couldn't do something, or didn't understand something, because he loved me and that was all that mattered.

He told me when people said mean things about me, and he never let it become a problem to him. He allowed me to take care of him and he showed me when I misbehaved.

 

He had good sides in him..3 months ago I would have sworn he had the highest morals in the world.

 

The e-mail was alone, she had not send others. So I think I will be safe from more. I won't use it anymore, the profiles I had with this adress will be changed one by one. He has my other e-mail adresses. But I deleted him from my adress-book, so he will be referred to the trash bin, I hope.

 

 

I am in counseling...my therapists thinks there is no need to discuss my relationship with the ex. He says break-ups are not for therapy.

 

I wrote him that I hated him. I never did that. I don't even know if it's true. But I want him to stop thinking that I am crying about losing him. No longer.

[underpants]

Nevermind,

 

You are sweet and funny, and you give really thoughtful advice.

 

LDRs rarely work out. They just don't.

 

First relationships rarely work out either. First loves do seem to be especially difficult to get over because, well, it is a first experience so there are no coping mechnisms in place.

 

If I had to think back to my first boyfriend then I would have to admit that I was absolutely clueless and more then a little crazy. He was probably too. The difference is that I grew out of that and went onto to have much, much, much better and more fulfilling relationships. He of course is under a rock someplace.

 

If the end of this (and some of being in it) caused you so much pain. Nothing should make you want to cut yourself or consider ending things. If that is one of the results of knowing this person. Then, I am actually glad he is no longer in your life.

 

Honestly, it does not matter what he thinks about you. What does matter is what you think about yourself and how you handle yourself.

 

Take from this experience what you can to improve on yourself and be better the next time you get a shot at a relationship. Trust me, there will be other opportunities. When you get past this and give yourself a little time to feel good about being single then you might start to see them.

 

Also, if you feel like your therapist is not addressing things or issues that you feel are important, then you can always switch. I don't necessarly think the 'break up' is an issue worth discussing, but ideas about healthy relationships would certainly help you in the future.

 

Anyway, you will get past this. You will.

 

Chin up.

[Trialbyfire]

This truly isn't what love is about Nevermind. ((hugs))

[Nevermind]

The thing is...that...he wrote in one of his e-mails about me, that I was dependent on him and that he would never leave me because of that...and she wrote that I was never really his girlfriend and that he had only pitied me...

It feels as if my feelings were so ridiculous that they could only evoke pity.

 

Thank you unders and TBF.

 

I will try to use this experience and not let anything like this happen again. I know that the only way to prove him wrong is to be the best person I can be.

Baby steps, one day at it's time.

 

 

 

(And once I rule the world, I'll bomb his city. Hey, I am German. We cope differently.)

[Trialbyfire]

Nevermind, you don't need to prove anything to your arsehole of an ex. You're already a better person than he could ever be.

[EMBeee]

Just read your post and it is very heart-breaking. LDR's are NOT easy by any means and if I wasn't in one right now, I probably would never be to begin with. I am pretty much the one who's doing all the work as did yourself. It's not fun when you have something set in your heart or if your out shopping and you see the "perfect" gift you'd love to give to the person you love, or if you make something from scratch and don't get anything in return... that is how I feel with mine. He tells me he loves me, but I'm the one doing EVERYTHING! I am going there in July, in just 2 weeks! It'll be my 2nd time going there and then a third time in August... he has yet to visit me... I am the one who always calls him, I am the one to email him, I am the one to send the gifts, I am the one to visit him... Love is blind and since I haven't been hearing his voice much lately, I feel like the clouds are clearing and I can finally start to see the "real" picture.

 

My LD bf isn't even divorced from his wife yet. They've been separated now for over a year and they have yet to get a divorce. His ex is already been with another new bf since they split. My LD bf and his ex go shopping with one another!! (LOL) She drives him around in her bf's new car!! (LOL)... he talks to her ALL the time... his myspace page still says "married"... he has a poem on there that is obviously for her because of how she broke his heart!

 

I don't like being 2nd best and that's exactly what I feel like... un-important!!! Why do I do this to myself?? Because I'm a fool that's why!

 

Keep your head up girl!! You're not alone and we can all learn from each other on here

[Nevermind]

EMBee, I read your threads...and I have a bad feeling. The poem, the driving around...those are red flags (easy to see from the outside, and easy to ignore from the inside).

Your boyfriend seems to be enjoying you, but doesn't see the need to reciprocate. Maybe this is because he is still hurt by the separation, but then he should be avoiding his ex, not you.

 

This is what he does: if he doesn't seek communication himself, in an LDR it is the same as if he was avoiding you. I learned that the hard way, and even if my relationship had been perfect to begin it would never have survived the way he handled the distance.

 

You should talk to him, when you're there. See if he can change, but if he can't...ask yourself if you really want to continue to feel the way you do now.

 

((hugs))

 

It isn't easy.

[Karyyk]

Nevermind, I just read this post, and all I can say is that I'm sorry. What you experienced with this "man," and I use that term very loosely, is not love. That so many people experience something like this during their first relationship, and then equate it with what love must be simply breaks my heart. He used you, he took advantage of you, he showed no consideration to you. You did *NOT* lose something irreplaceable, you lost something that caused you pain. I will not try to devalue it, because you obviously hold some value in it, but trust me, this is not what you want out of life, and there is more to be had than that.

 

That he kept touching you when you said no, particularly knowing of the near-rape, that's inexcusable. A relationship is something mutual, something reciprocated. It seems to be, as painful as this is to hear, that he meant much more to you than you did to him (something I know a little bit about). Sure, he told you the things you wanted to hear, but did he mean them? His actions showed you differently. When someone is the love of your life, you put them ahead of yourself, you give freely of your time, you consider them, you never use them, but try to understand them. You don't blame them for meaningless things, you don't berate them with derogatory names, you don't tell them one thing and then go and ignore them, basically for weeks. As time goes by, you'll notice even more things that he did that were out of line, the smaller, more subtle things. This just wasn't about being bad in a long-distance relationship, this is about him being awful in a relationship PERIOD.

 

I'm not going to tell you to "pull yourself together" or anything like that. You're doing that and you will do so in your own time. It takes longer for some to heal than others, and in my case, it can take a very, very long time. Don't rush things, but I will tell you that you should be glad that this is over. He didn't treat you right at all, in ways that are obvious to you. You deserve better than this, so much better. You gave your all, like so many of us here have, and like so many others, you deserve someone who's going to respect you, communicate with you (because he WANTS to) and love you the way you need to be loved. He's out there somewhere. Make sure you find him...don't settle for anyone less.

[Nevermind]

I wrote him that I got the e-mail and that I hated him,

 

and he just wrote

 

"if only you could make me understand what's going on now?

what is this email you are talking about?"

 

It's nearly exactly the same he said when I found out about the affair. How stupid does he think I am? How funny is it to torture someone?

 

I am crying, okay! Shaking, the entire programme. Just like 2 months ago.

 

karyyk: thank you. I just don't ever want anybody to get so close to me again. I cannot be hurt like this again, I can't deal with this.

[Karyyk]

You know, in my case there's someone I care for that's completely ignoring me. She did me wrongly, though I believe not purposefully (lots of stuff going on), and nothing next to what this person has done to you. I don't understand why she doesn't contact me, but after reading your post, I realize that in some cases, that's a lot more desirable than being strung along, allowing that other person to keep picking at the wound.

 

Please stop e-mailing him. For your own good, please don't do it. You know he's not going to change, please stop. Allow yourself time to heal. That's never going to happen as long as you're playing his games.

[Stockalone]

(And once I rule the world, I'll bomb his city. Hey, I am German. We cope differently.)

 

That's the spirit.

 

 

It feels as if my feelings were so ridiculous that they could only evoke pity.

 

That jackass doesn't even know what real feelings are. It certainly isn't your fault when he is unable to behave like decent human being.

 

 

 

I wrote him that I got the e-mail and that I hated him,

 

and he just wrote

 

"if only you could make me understand what's going on now?

what is this email you are talking about?"

 

It's nearly exactly the same he said when I found out about the affair. How stupid does he think I am? How funny is it to torture someone?

 

I am crying, okay! Shaking, the entire programme. Just like 2 months ago.

 

Print out that e-mail. Then add his e-mail adress to your spam filter, so you won't find any further messages in your new messages folder. Then delete his messages.

 

Then take the printout and spit on it, trample on it. Feel free to add further punishment. Scream if it makes you feel better. Then burn that piece of paper (ideally outside, we don't want to burn down the house).

 

A little bit of hatred always worked for me. After that "session" hopefully you will find the strength to reach indifference or at least will be on the right path.

 

Do not reply to this poor excuse for a man ever again.

 

 

P.S. Danke. Ist schon merkwürdig, in meinem Kopf will ich ihn gar nicht wieder haben. Nur mein dummes Herz verweigert die Kooperation.

 

Dein Herz ist nicht dumm, nur noch etwas verliebt und daher etwas langsamer, zurückhaltender mit der Kooperation als dein Verstand es gerne hätte. Das Problem haben wir alle irgendwann mal.

[Nevermind]

My heart stopped the love...he did write again, and he completely changed history. There is nothing there for me to miss. (see coping section).

 

Piss poor excuse for a man. Poor creature dependent on lieing because the truth would hurt too much.

 

He would only get my pity, but when I look into me, I don't see any feeling for him. Not anymore. Anger replaced it all. And after anger comes indifference.

 

He is on auto-delete and I will never see his sorry face again. Good for me.

 

 

 

Thank you all for your support. It is amazing to see that people who do not know me, can care. It makes me hope that people can be good and that he is just a sorry exception. In fact, I am sure of it. You helped me more than I can say, and hopefully I'll give some of it back.