shelly71172 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]My husband has been highly manipulating and deceiving me for 15 years. 8 months ago, I found out that he's been heavily involved in hard core pornography and masterbation on and off for our entire 15yr marriage. All along our marriage, he has effectively diverted me from my suspicions of him doing something of a sexual nature behind my back. He's left many, many times over the 15 years because I have hurt his feelings by suggesting (based on contradictions) that he's possibly being unfaithful behind my back (just so it's clear, my husband would consider pornography/masturbation as an unfaithful act). Many times he has convinced me to take the blame for our troubles, and to apologize to him so he could graciously forgive me and come back home to me. He's had me apologize to my family members, one by one, for 'falsly' accusing him of possibly doing something sexual behind my back. He took me to our Pastor for an entire year, to help me with my irrational trust issues and to have the pastor help me see that my husband has gone above and beyond in being a faithful husband, and that I have cripling speculatory issues....only to one day catch him looking at porn on our computer, exposing him as a liar, and restoring my credibility.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]After he was caught, he claimed to everyone that he couldn't make the connection between what I was accusing him of and his pornography involvement. For instance, I would accuse him of checking out a girl, when he was actually innocent that particular time. So, he's saying he was confused about my suspicions and how they related to his secrecy, because I would catch him doing 'good', while I missed those times he was actually checking out a woman...he didn't see the relation and therefore felt I was unjustly treating him, which resulted in all those times leaving home until I apologized and asked his forgiveness for falsly accusing him. Same thing with the computer...I would catch him one a site which featured a small picture of a mere scantily clad female, and he would say he didn't even notice her on the screen, so again, I caught him doing 'good' while I missed those times he was actually watching porn on our cable tv, and on our computer while I wasn't home. Porn was never a major theme in my suspicions - but I knew that his eye wandered onto magazines when we were in the store, but he would always deny he was interested in that stuff. (He actually claimed for all our marriage that women were not a temptation for him - that he was a rare individual who was not interested in other women - he was sold out to his wife.) I also made a big deal about my not liking how he was constantly so relatable in his conversations with women in general, but he would always tell me that he's acting appropriately with them, and I am allowing my fears to cause me to see things that were not real. (He always pointed my trust issues and fears towards that fact that I had an disfunctional family - and that he would rather die than hurt his wife. He was married to me in his heart, and I was his one and only wife for life.) He has told me many times that I can't see clearly, I'm twisting things around, and I may have multiple personalities, but one day I would severly regret ruining our marriage with my trust issues, not to mention I would destroy his reputation with the public, and thoroughly embarrase him by falsly labeling him a womanizer. He said he never got me any help for me until after 15 yrs because he loved me so much, and didn't want others to think I was crazy once I told them my suspicions against my husband's impeccable reputation amongst men. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=2][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Because I homeschool our children, and he is a self employed service worker who goes from house to house repairing home issues, I could never put my finger on what he was up to all those years, but I could see the results the porn was having on him. Easy access to pornography was accomplished in his customers' homes. He said over the years he did this a number of times (I secretly taped this confession): If a customer was not home, he would sneak on their computer and watch pornography, and then masturbate in their bathroom. If the customer was home, he would simply masturbate in their attic or under their house where he couldn't be seen. He stole a porn video tape from one customer's home, watched it at our home and masturbated to it...then returned it to the customer. He's rented videos, bought dvds, magazines, and masturbated in our home (while I was away). He's also masturbated in public bathrooms, alone in many hotels (during the times he left home to plead his innocence), and in his vehicle. He actually confessed all this to me after I was able to finally catch him looking at pornography on our laptop computer and bringing it to our pastor. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Long story short, it's been 8 months later, and he and I have been seperated for 2 months of that time, mainly because he is not really doing a good job showing me he is changing and earning my trust again. For the past 2 months that we've been completely seperated (and he's lived with his parents), he has refused to get another job that has some accountability. He just wants me to take his word that he's stopped with the porn, and because I won't, he's saying I still have trust issues and need counseling for those issues. I feel like the pattern is starting all over again. He continues to take cash out of the atm weekly and secretly purchase things with that cash. I can't prove he's buying porn with it, but I don't think it's a wise thing for him to do. He blames me for the fact he had to completely cut off communication regarding where he goes during the day and his whereabouts at work because I have made him leave home and I have limited his visitation with the children until he gets help. My trust in him has been annihulated to say the least, and after he was caught red handed, he continues to be irresponsible with earning trust with me. It has devistated our marriage to no end. He has now refused counsel with the Pastor he originally brought me to. He has refused to get some rehab for his porn involvement and manipulation - He has been involved with pornography and masterbation off and on for 20 years (meaning he would stop for months, then binge on it). But the real devistation to our marriage is by the fact he highly manipulated me into thinking I had trust issues all these years, when actually he was doing his best to keep his secret sin hidden from me while at the same time, feigning virtuous morality to everyone else. By the way, he has an incredible reputation with other people, and he's the kind of guy you would never suspect would do these things in secret.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]He says he has repented of porn, while he continues to keep his life silent from me, because he claims I refuse to trust him and it's causing him to distance himself from me - - when, at the same time, his lifestyle is exactly the same as before. He says that his word is sufficient regarding his stopping the porn and manipulation, and that it wouldn't matter if he changed jobs, I wouldn't trust him anymore anyways. I suggested that he needs rehab, and if he will go I would support, love, and reconcile with him. But all I'm getting back from him is - he disagrees that rehab is the only option for restoring our marriage, and that I just need to reconcile with him by allowing him back home, My husband said the idea of him going to rehab is asking too much from him in terms of reconciling the marriage. He also says I'm tying his hands from allowing him to work on the marriage, when at the same time he refuses account for his time. He doesn't want a divorce because he truly loves his wife and will forgive her for her unforgiveness towards him (which is a lie), once she comes to her senses. I'm wanting a legal separation (only because of my religious convictions) to let him know I'm not tolerating anymore of this. Sadly, he would interprete a seperation to mean that I'm refusing to work on the marriage. Again, I see what he's doing as a possible opportunity to start this whole cycle all over again. I think he's just sorry he got caught. I don't know who I am married to, but for the past 8 months, I have been coming out of the effects of his brainwashing schemes, and am realizing that I'm in a very troubled relationship...I am seeing his manipulations more clearly now, and will not tolerate this mess anymore.[/sIZE][/FONT]Is there a way to get through to him?
Gunny376 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I'm trying to be sensitive to your religious beliefs, but as the old joke goes ~ 98% of men masturbate, and the other 2 % are lying about it! With that said. Men have 10 to 30% higher testosterone levels than women. Testosterone the hormone is to people sex drive what nitro is to gasoline. Its what drives the sex drive. Men are visual. There are disnict things hormoally that drive men and women to be and do what they do. Some of it of course "choice" and some of it isn't? In its worse case, both men and women are driven to sexual perversion (in the eyes of others). Men are more prone toward sexual perversion (i.e. porn) than women because of higher testosterone levels. Too me, its a matter of channeling that energy? To me? Porn is like a man looking at a car he can't afford to buy ~ that is a waste of time, effort, energy and money! When in my younger days? (19 and 20) I went to strip clubs, but in my latter days, I begin to understand why women got up-set about their man going to them. In male-to-female strip clubs your not allowed to touch the dancers, but when its "Chippendales" night there's a bunch of touching and grabbing going on! What your needing from him is simple! RESPECT! Respect as his wife! Respect as his woman! Respect as his lover! Respect as his mate! Just that plain simple!
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Is there a way to get through to him? No, there is NO way to get through to him -- he is in DEEP DENIAL about his own role in every issue you've mentioned. Even if he did go for counseling, he'd probably see it as HIM being forced to 'work on' the marriage (he'd just turn it into HIM again being the victim) and it's highly unlikely to have any lasting, positive effects. In any event, by saying that getting help with HIS sex addiction is "too much" for him to do to save his marriage, he has already messaged that he does not plan to take any responsibility for it now...and likely not in the future, either. As the theory goes, without any significant change in beliefs and thoughts, past behaviour is a good predicator of future behaviour. I would say that your first priority is to yourself, at this point. Get the legal separation if that is what your 'inner self' is saying you need. How he is going to choose to interpret it is his own problem, not yours. Your 'problem', as it were, is about standing up for what you need and want. I would also suggest that you consider individual therapy for yourself, to learn assertiveness skills and rebuild your self-esteem after so many years of allowing him to manipulate you and mess with your mind in the ways that you have described. You can empower yourself to make healthy choices about your future relationship with this man whether or not you have a legal separation (but, again, get one if that is what YOU want.) No doubt you are aware that you do NOT need his forgiveness for any thing that you've written about. It is difficult when one's religious beliefs are in conflict with one's physical, mental and emotional reality. In 'The Seat of the Soul', Gary Zukav offers a much more spiritually enlightened way of viewing the ending of marital (and other significant) relationships. At least, it offered me a different view when I was having similar difficulty over deciding about my own marriage. Good luck and God bless. Ronni
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