1.5 weeks since the break up. Haven't heard from her and it's frustrating.

[ianandris]

She said she wanted to be friends after the break up (she said she considers me her best friend, actually). Even though she broke my heart, I would like that very much. But, it's been a week and a half since she dumped me, and I haven't heard from her except the one time she needed a ride to work (wtf, really?). Not a text, not an email, not a phone call, nothing. (There's no way in hell I'm calling her first, either. No freakin way. I put so much into it. She dumped me. If she's interested in a friendship, she needs to make moves)

 

I know it's still really fresh, and I'm not so naive to think that we'll be able to slip into friendship right away, but if you've stated that you want to be friends and you consider someone your best friend, shouldn't you make some sort of effort? Really, I don't want much from her. A simple gesture showing that she is genuinely sorry about the pain she's caused me is all I really want from her right now. I don't want to hang out with her, or spend time with her, but a little consideration for the pain she's put me through would make all the difference in the world. Some sympathy. Some compassion. Something. Something that you would do for a friend when you know they're in pain. She knows she hurt me deeply. If she was interested in friendship, wouldn't she reach out periodically? I feel like she dumped me, and instantly forgot about me. I mean, hell, we made marriage plans! We were talking living arrangements after the marriage! We were talking kids, and family, and everything in between! She INITIATED THE WHOLE FREAKING LOVE THING (She told me she wanted to be with me forever, I wanted to wait to figure out how I felt about the whole thing, she cried, I felt bad, I chose to love her)! Then she tells me she wasn't in love with me once I finally, honestly, fell in love with her. Who does that? And who then drops that person without even a hint of consideration for their feelings?

 

I feel like I gave her everything, she took what she needed and completely discarded me. I feel like the wrapper of a candy bar. I know she didn't do it intentionally, but at some point, once you've ridden roughshod over someone elses feeling, don't you feel a tinge of regret? Isn't there some part of you that feels a sense of responsibility for the pain you cause someone?

 

The thing is I WAS A GOOD EFFING BOYFRIEND! I treated her perfectly. Took care of her, doted on her, made sure she was completely satisfied. We had tons of fun, too! I just don't get it. WTF?

[Sks]

Why do you want to be her friend? I fail to see any reason for it, you shouldn't care if she jumped off a cliff.

[kizik]

Ian,

 

I was a great BF too, and in the end (as the song says), it doesn't even matter. In regards to her not contacting you, I know that it hurts. But what you need to understand is that by not contacting, she is doing what she needs to do to get over you. And you, Ian, need to stop worrying about if she's gonna call, text, etc. You need to accept that it's over. Really accept it. I know you say you have, but if you had, you wouldn't be really worrying about her calling.

 

Friends is OUT. You will not be able to see her w/o hurting. A huge pain in your heart. Friends is not a good idea for a very long time.

 

You did everything you could. You can hold your head up and look in the mirror. Sometimes being caring and wonderful doesn't matter. People are free.

 

And now, you are too.

[gummybear]

She is being cruel to be kind. She is not contacting you because she knows it might lead you on and hurt you. She wants you to move on. Respect that and just let it go and do NC.

[kizik]

She is being cruel to be kind. She is not contacting you because she knows it might lead you on and hurt you. She wants you to move on. Respect that and just let it go and do NC.

 

Gummy,

 

actually, she is doing nothing of the sort. There is no way to know her motivations and intentions. The only certain thing is that she's trying to help herself.

 

How old are you, Gummy? Just curious.

[ianandris]

SKS: I want to be her friend because I enjoyed spending time with her even when we weren't doing relationship type things. I never learned how to NOT care about people. It's both an asset and a hindrance for me. Wish, in some ways, I had that capacity...

 

Kizik: I appreciate how direct you are. You're absolutely right, I still, deep down, haven't really accepted that it's over. I'm trying to fake it til I make it, you know? I figure if I keep saying it, eventually it'll be true for me. I'm definitely starting to see the wisdom in not having her as a friend. It's so painful, though. There's the part of me that still looks at things as if it were an ultra long term investment. There's that part of me that still sees the possibility of her working through her issues and discovering that she made a huge mistake. I wouldn't give a second chance easily, but, hell, I loved the girl, you know? Plus, there's the problem that she lives nearby and, at some point, I'll have to see her anyway (we go to the same church). I figure, if we're going to have to be around each other, I don't want it to be awkward or uncomfortable.

 

I really wish I could just accept that it's over. I want so badly to just pick myself up and move on. I've been having a good time without her. I've got good friends and all. But I still wake up in the mornings thinking about her. How do you do it? How do you accept that it's over? How do you move on? How do I let her go? How do I stop loving her? How? If I knew how to do it, I would do it in a heartbeat.

[kizik]

I accepted it was over after receiving an email from her; a reponse to my casual well-wishes. She sounded very happy. I was devastated upon reading this. Punched in the stomach, crying, immobile.

 

The next day I resolved to try to be as happy as her. Since then, I have used her email as motivation to reclaim my life, and my mind. Read Foxh1234's posts of late. He is a great as*-kicker. He's inspired me a lot to stop whining and take active steps towards making me feel good about myself.

 

I don't know if you can stop loving her. Use that love to give yourself peace. You can love someone enough to leave them alone.

 

In regards to hope and second chances: the next time you find yourself thinking "Maybe she'll come..." STOP. No, she won't. She won't. It WILL NOT HAPPEN.

 

And you know what? It would SUCK if you got back together. You would be re-building a relationship. Picking up pieces. Dealing with memories, resentment.

 

Best move is start again with someone new when you're ready.

[fetish]

My advice: Step back.

 

People tend to realize what they had when its gone. I know you say you were a good bf. It seems that alot women tend to take that for granted when a man is treating them good but don't realize it until they get someone worse when they see they don't want that either. I think she'll eventually probably come back to you but if I were you, i wouldn't wait on it. Let her find out on her own. I know it hurts but be strong for yourself.

[kizik]

I think she'll eventually probably come back to you but if I were you, i wouldn't wait on it.

 

Respectfully, this is detrimental advice and exactly how Ian should NOT be thinking. This is hope. Hope is pain. Pain stunts progress.

 

Nobody but her knows what she wants and is going to do. IF she tries to come back, Ian will be so far done with her that he will say NO.

[ianandris]

Wow, you were right about Fox's post. He's made some huge progress and hit on some very important truths. I'm going to have a few evenings of solemn reflection of my own. Much appreciated, Kiz. You've been a big help. Respect, btw, for wisdom beyond your years. I totally thought you were in your 40s, or something, but 24? I'm impressed. It's always nice to hear sound advice from your peers who are going through difficulties of their own. (I'm 25, for the record.)

[kizik]

You're just as "wise" as me, my friend. Your pain is just fresher. You're really welcome. I promise you you'll be OK. I'm not OK yet, but getting there. People as intelligent as you and I always have good things coming.

[stlnsmile]

I accepted it was over after receiving an email from her; a reponse to my casual well-wishes. She sounded very happy. I was devastated upon reading this. Punched in the stomach, crying, immobile.

 

The next day I resolved to try to be as happy as her. Since then, I have used her email as motivation to reclaim my life, and my mind. Read Foxh1234's posts of late. He is a great as*-kicker. He's inspired me a lot to stop whining and take active steps towards making me feel good about myself.

 

I don't know if you can stop loving her. Use that love to give yourself peace. You can love someone enough to leave them alone.

 

In regards to hope and second chances: the next time you find yourself thinking "Maybe she'll come..." STOP. No, she won't. She won't. It WILL NOT HAPPEN.

 

And you know what? It would SUCK if you got back together. You would be re-building a relationship. Picking up pieces. Dealing with memories, resentment.

 

Best move is start again with someone new when you're ready.

 

I agree with Kizik, it was the hope, the holding on, the waiting and hoping and thinking maybe that stunted my progress.

[ianandris]

Fetish: I honestly hope she does, but, honestly, I have no intention of getting back with her. I want her to realize it for her own sake. The fact that she exercised such poor judgment by committing feelings to me that she didn't have is reflective of a HUGE character flaw that, frankly, I don't want to have anything to do with for the long term. Reasonably, I'd turn her away. Emotionally, I'm still trying to let go. Fact is, I have every intention of letting go as soon as possibly can. It's just hard to change the way you regard someone, you know?

[ianandris]

Kinda funny how hope keeps you afloat sometimes and other times it's the reason you're drowning, huh? I guess I've got to start practicing hoplessness... oh, my bad,

[northstar1]

Kinda funny how hope keeps you afloat sometimes and other times it's the reason you're drowning, huh? I guess I've got to start practicing hoplessness... oh, my bad,

 

It's true. You have to treat it as you will never get back together.

If you don't, you'll hold onto hope and continue to wait for her to call or email/text. And that 'waiting' is what sets so many back.

 

You need to get into the mindframe that she WILL not contact you, that she is moving on with her life. It's tough, but you have to do it.

 

I know for the first while, I kept thinking that she'd contact me, tell me that she'd changed her mind..............but in 99% of the time, it will not happen.

[kizik]

It's not hopelessness (which implies despair, misery, etc.) that will help you move along. It is the absence of hope. I know, semantics. But the end of "maybe if...", "Well, if only..." and "She'll come back once she dates an as*hole" will open your heart up to possibilites that YOU allowed her to hinder.

 

Maybe some day she'll realize what she lost, but her realization is none of your business.

[fetish]

Respectfully, this is detrimental advice and exactly how Ian should NOT be thinking. This is hope. Hope is pain. Pain stunts progress.

 

Nobody but her knows what she wants and is going to do. IF she tries to come back, Ian will be so far done with her that he will say NO.

 

Well that's true but i also said he needs to be getting himself in a mindframe to where he shouldn't expect it and not wait on it. But i see what you're saying, Hope is not really a way of healing

[ianandris]

I know what you mean. Just playing around a little, is all. You're right, though. I need to let go of the hope that she'll come back. Like I said, I don't want her back. I just want to feel validated, like I didn't just give my heart away for nothing. If she, someday, realizes that I was a great catch, and she screwed the pooch, I'd feel validated.

 

You say that realization is none of my business? I guess that's a thought I need to adjust to. I would very much like it to be my business, tbh. Why wouldn't it by my business?

[kizik]

Because nothing she does, says or thinks is your business anymore. Her job, school, parents and friends are no longer yours to know or inquire about. Stay away from information about her, as it will only hurt you.

 

Likewise, she does not deserve info about you. The two of you are now equally, and separately, free and independent of one another.

[df273]

I just wanted to say that there is a lot of wisdom in this thread. I have posted yesterday about my issue. After reading here and there about other peoples issues, it seems that looking for a resolution and feeling other peoples pain is as healing as expressing my own issue and emotions.

[stlnsmile]

And this helped me a lot to get over the place you are in, you have to remember....why do you need validation from her? Do you need her to tell you "you are a great catch and I lost something great" or should you tell that to yourself. You have to love yourself enough to KNOW that, with out her telling you that. Its not her job, its yours.

 

And...ahhhh...my ex told me the "we'll be friends, best friends, I'll even come see you tomorrow" cr**. Ahhhhhh.......its such lies, Im sorry but it is, they just say that as a way to keep you from freaking out, and keep themselves from feeling guilty for being a sh**! You can not believe most of what they tell you during the breakup because most of it is said to eliminate their pain. So they don't have to hear you cry or beg or plead whatever, because they know you will if given the oportunity. Its sucks so bad, but it is true. Im sorry honey, I just want to give you the strait truth, because it helps in the long run. Don't look for her approval or validation, look for your own, and the approval of the people who know you best, your friends and family, not some woman who couldn't appreciate you to begin with.:bunny:

[ianandris]

You make some good points, stlnsmile. I do need to come to KNOW that I'm a good catch...

 

The validation, however, isn't something I was seeking for insecurities sake. I wanted validation because I hate the idea of wasting effort. Loving her as deeply as I did felt like a wasted effort. If I knew that she was impacted by it deeply, then I'd feel as though the past few months were for *something,* even if it wasn't what I initially thought/wanted it to be. I know I was impacted by her, and I changed in a positive way as a result. If I know she was impacted by me, if she'd remember me years down the line, I'd be content.

[kizik]

If I know she was impacted by me, if she'd remember me years down the line, I'd be content.

 

Hi Ian,

 

hope you had a decent Friday night.

 

As I said yesterday, you are not going to know if you had a positive impact on her. Mentally you have to prepare for the worst - she will never call you again, you two will never be friends, heck: you will never SEE her again - and then be surprised if any of these things DOES happen.

 

And the only way you'd be content right now is NOT if she said, "Ian, you helped me so much." It would be if she said, "Ian, I love you and I'm sorry. Will you take me back?"

 

But that aint gonna happen. But the world is wide open, and it's f*cking beautiful!!!

[stlnsmile]

Ian, I understand this want, I had it too for a long time, he was my first love and I wanted to believe so badly it ment something, anything, that he was not as cold and heartless as he appeared and that our time together was not wasted but worthwhile and he would remember me as his first love, even 20 years down the road, I wanted that, I felt I needed that. I do understand.

 

But I guess what I have come to realize 6 months after the breakup, is, if that ever did happen, more than likely I will not be around to see it. I won't know that moment he has that thought. It hurts but its true. I won't be there when that moment occures, as well as many other moments.

 

Sure if he's a good guy sometime 2 years from now he might call and say, gee you really impacted my life, you were special. But I have not intention of waiting for him to get a clue. So What? What do his feelings, the one who abandoned me and our life together, what are his feelings going to mean to me then? Nothing. A year from now, two years from now, 15 years from now, his feelings won't matter to me any more than mine mattered to him.

 

We hold on to these types of things, its a way to cling on, if I could just have this or that, then I would be vindicated, then I would feel better. But the truth is, most time those vindications don't come, and if they do, I would much prefer to be in such a different spot in my life, such a good place, that he wouldn't even know the person I have become. I know you don't understand this now, it takes time to make it all come together. I just know his life is not important to me now...mine is. My life is the only important thing right now. And I better start living it and enjoying it. You will come to this place, and others as you go along this road, I assure you. But please understand....we have all been there, and wished for the same exact things.

 

There is nothing that takes away this pain, but time, crying and a lot of good friends and family. Even if you had that one phone call today, that said "You were special and important to me and I miss you" whatever, if she didn't come back, it wouldn't help would it? You have to learn to love yourself, and take care of yourself first.

[ianandris]

Touche. Guess it's one of the last vestiges of hope I'm hanging onto. So, I need to

 

1. Accept that it's over. For real. Honestly.

2. Let go of the hope for any future relationship, including friendship.

3. Accept that I won't know, and don't have the right to know, what kind of an impact I had on her life. Likewise, she doesn't have any right to know what's going on with me.

4. Get my freakin movies back from her place. Can't believe I haven't done that yet. I'm going to give myself another week of NC before I attempt that maneuver.

5. I need to get to the point where her life is, honestly, not important to me.

 

That sound like the path to getting over her?