Nevermind Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Nearly all of us here in the Coping section are in an emotional roller-coaster ride. In many cases, we feel a kind of dependence on the ex, that is hard to break (NC) and wonder wether we will ever be "whole" again. Why are we like this? What are you reasons for feeling so devastated about this particular break-up? I would love to read your insights. Me - he was my first love and the first guy I thought really loved me - not an image of what I was supposed to be, but me. We lived together, and then turned it into an LDR. I worked very hard during those last months to keep us going and in the end it was futile. It's a personal failure, a feeling of "never going to be enough" and heart-break, due to the kind of break-up. I feel as if he was the one - who got away. Also, I am not a social butterfly and cannot rely on a real-life support group to keep me distracted. What are your reasons?
kizik Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I think all our reasons our basically the same. We made a future with this person in our hearts and minds, and that future was taken out from under us. Relationships are by nature co-dependent. We rely on the other. Now that the R is over, one must regain his or her independence. And regaining it is a choice. Here's how you do it: -go rekindle friendships -immerse yourself in hobbies -enjoy the outdoors, nature, etc. -reunite w/ your family, if you have been estranged -get involved with volunteerism and the community -engage in "light dating" Don't spend too much time thinking about the ex.
iwish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Well mine wasn't my first love, but she was the second girl i felt anything really deep for. The reason i'm struggling is simple, i miss her. The reasons i miss her, well i'm afraid to say it was pure chemistry, for example the kissing.. You know when someone is in mid conversation and you just want to kiss them. You just want to hold them, etc... I felt good with her, when we were together... I've had a few girlfriends in my time and i know that this sort of chemistry is hard to find. It was a fire for both of us and well that fire burnt out for her, but as yet not for me... So the reason i'm struggling to move on is because i know that it will be hard to find that fire again (for me, not her) and that makes me sad.
kizik Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 If you tell yourself you'll "never find that again"... your attitude will be defeatist, you will project pessimism, and you will be unattractive. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, if you simply don't worry about this crap, and live your life for yourself and enjoy life without the company of an S.O. .... you can be happy. Find happiness alone.
melodymatters Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Well, here's some cold comfort everyone. As you get older, ( I'm 40) you still invest yourself ( if that's in your nature, and it's definitely in mine), but somehow, it's like an old war wound, and when it all explodes in your face, you kind of laugh, say " Yeah, that figures" and move on much quicker.
northstar1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I think all our reasons our basically the same. We made a future with this person in our hearts and minds, and that future was taken out from under us. Relationships are by nature co-dependent. We rely on the other. Now that the R is over, one must regain his or her independence. And regaining it is a choice. Here's how you do it: -go rekindle friendships -immerse yourself in hobbies -enjoy the outdoors, nature, etc. -reunite w/ your family, if you have been estranged -get involved with volunteerism and the community -engage in "light dating" Don't spend too much time thinking about the ex. Solid advice. Once you get to the point of realizing it's over and not trying to hang onto hope, then you can move on with your own life and happiness. For some it takes longer than others - but you had a life before the Ex, and you will have one after them.
stlnsmile Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Well as it says, mine was my first love, the chemistry was amazing, he was stellar in every way, and officer and a gentlman, and I really wonder if I am ever going to find someone like him again. It was also the stellar quality, the perfectionist/athlete/ achiever that made him very selfish and narcissistic, I don't think I would have ever been enough. I'm honestly not sure who ever will be for him. I feel guilty for being too clingy, so I guess I feel I pushed him away, and I think I fluctuate between quilt and wondering if there is anyone in the world that I will ever admire the way I admired my ex. I mean it is rare to find someone who will bring you flowers and breakfast in bed on Valentines day at my age. Its rare to find someone my age who will open doors for you and call you his flower. I honestly worry I will not find someone that good again. Honesty, no one has even come close. I can let go......but to what? Not as good? I guess thats where my roller coaster is coming from, feeling that it was best we broke up, but still wondering if I will ever meet someone who is my type and feeling guilty.
northstar1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Well as it says, mine was my first love, the chemistry was amazing, he was stellar in every way, and officer and a gentlman, and I really wonder if I am ever going to find someone like him again. It was also the stellar quality, the perfectionist/athlete/ achiever that made him very selfish and narcissistic, I don't think I would have ever been enough. I'm honestly not sure who ever will be for him. I feel guilty for being too clingy, so I guess I feel I pushed him away, and I think I fluctuate between quilt and wondering if there is anyone in the world that I will ever admire the way I admired my ex. I mean it is rare to find someone who will bring you flowers and breakfast in bed on Valentines day at my age. Its rare to find someone my age who will open doors for you and call you his flower. I honestly worry I will not find someone that good again. Honesty, no one has even come close. I can let go......but to what? Not as good? I guess thats where my roller coaster is coming from, feeling that it was best we broke up, but still wondering if I will ever meet someone who is my type and feeling guilty. You will. You may not see it now, but you will.
Author Nevermind Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Melody, I was wondering how you were coping. Is it really just a laugh and then you move on? Here is a hug, even though you might not need it: ((melodymatters)) As to never finding it again...we never find the exact same thing again. But maybe we find something better. I never thought I could be so happy, until I was with him. So I guess I could be even happier with a good guy. Undefaetist enough?
v33 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 My ex was a total nightmare to be with, well for the last half of the relationship at least. Drinker, cutter, flirt, depressed, sexual issues, emotional, dramatic, etc. But I cared deeply for her and loved her a great deal, or so I thought..... I stayed with her because I got used to being with her, used her to avoid focusing on my own shortcomings... I mean, with a laundry list of issues like hers it was so easy to blame her for my life being less than what I wanted. Obviously this was wrong of me, but I realize it now. In short I was so torn up when she left me because I had been using her to justify and ignore all that was wrong in my life and when she was gone my security blanket was taken away and I had to face my life and be responsible for where I was.... no-one to blame or distract me anymore. Granted, the fact that she cheated on me both physically and emotionally and lied about me made it feel worse that she was the one to go. I also felt that since I stayed with her through her worst times it seemed so unfair that I would be betrayed and dumped.... I guess she found strength somewhere. It's all in the past now though and have learned alot about myself through this. I almost thank her.
iwish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Right, who said 'never finding it again'? I never said that. Never say never is a motto i live by .. I said it would be difficult to find again, i know this unfortunately through experience. It's hard to find that fire in every relationship. I've had it a couple of times and the others have been more of a dull flame. Nice and pleasant but lacking that umph.. you know? As for being happy alone, i've heard that on a lot and yes i'm quite ok alone. I mean i have friends and family etc.. But it doesn't stop you missing someone, and that's the reason i'm on LS. because i miss her.
melodymatters Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Melody, I was wondering how you were coping. Is it really just a laugh and then you move on? Here is a hug, even though you might not need it: ((melodymatters)) As to never finding it again...we never find the exact same thing again. But maybe we find something better. I never thought I could be so happy, until I was with him. So I guess I could be even happier with a good guy. Undefaetist enough? Oh, HUGE hugs back nevermind !!!! And some bunnies too !:bunny: Yeah, honestly, I get more angry than hurt with age and wisdom and PRIMARILY, at MYSELF ! Example : My daughter is 15, going through her " first love", when they fight, she has actually turned to " cutting" to relieve the pain. Me, 40, I have a beer, get on LS, and mock the dude out with my friends in real life. Both are coping mechanisms, but which are ultimately healthier ? This too shall pass ! Hugs to ALL
kizik Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Right, who said 'never finding it again'? I never said that. Never say never is a motto i live by .. I said it would be difficult to find again, i know this unfortunately through experience. It's hard to find that fire in every relationship. I've had it a couple of times and the others have been more of a dull flame. Nice and pleasant but lacking that umph.. you know? As for being happy alone, i've heard that on a lot and yes i'm quite ok alone. I mean i have friends and family etc.. But it doesn't stop you missing someone, and that's the reason i'm on LS. because i miss her. Fine, you never said "never." But here's what I'm saying - you can't worry about not finding it, for a long time, or whatever. Who you'll meet is completely random. You have NO IDEA how your life will turn out. If you hadn't gotten out of bed today, you'd be there, doing nothing. A choice. Now you're at work, school, wherever you are. Based upon one simple choice. Here's another simple choice: to stop hurting. To stop dwelling. And yes, to stop missing. Missing someone is the process of allowing them to enter your mind, and stay there. A wise man once told me: Take control of your mind back. She wants to be in there, and you can't let her.
iwish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Yes Kizik, i agree with you completely.. The choice to stop hurting is something i make every day, but it does creep back in every now and again when i remember the good times, but then she's not doing so, so why should i!. And that wise man, was a very wise man indeed. He sounds like my dad. But keeping her out is hard as i'm sure you will appreciate. Things i'm sure will get better.
kizik Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Yeah, it's tough. It's about allowing yourself only a few minutes of thinking of her each day. You rid your environment of physical reminders of her, but you drive by places you went w/ her and course you think of that... Cognitive behavioral therapy, I think it's called. A fancy way of saying managing thoughts and saving yourself FROM yourself.
motive2002 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Reasons.. Pinned to this relationship was a future. Looking forward to building a new life in a new city. She, a single mom and a school teacher, with a lovely home and a beautiful daughter. Me, a single guy ready to commit.. ready to make a change in my life and my surroundings, ready to take on the responsibility of a long term relationship and role of "step-dad" with all the frustration and all the joy that comes with it. All gone in the matter of a single phone call. A future with her, a lifetime of love, all smashed to pieces. I put way too much of myself into this, and the longing for our future together as a happy family. I would have given them anything. Now it's love turned to bitterness. My emotions have soured. I had love but no direction to apply it... it burned itself up into ash and has blown away in the wind. It's all gone. All of it.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 What are you reasons for feeling so devastated about this particular break-up? What are your reasons? I was devastated because I do not fall in love. I love, but I don't fall in love if you know what I mean. I did for only the second time ever. I realize that that doesn't mean it has to work out but I honestly just felt that we'd hit the negotiation phase and with a little effort it would pass. We got into frequent petty arguments (not more than we were blissful) and it hurt very much because when we argued it was the exact opposite of what we'd been feeling. The pain of the arguments was disproportionate to the actual disagreement making them harder to cope with. I think we both felt that way. It was as if the arguments were gunshots instead of the scrapes they should have been. I guess that is the trouble with falling in love and I simply didn't have enough experience with it to know how to dull the pain. For his part I think he just couldn't see that it would pass. I assume that for me it was a rare and true experience worth any and every effort and for him it was replaceable. He would tell me that he never had "problems" like that before. I don't know. I don't think it was bad. I don't think the silly arguments would have lasted much longer. They were exasperated by his withdrawal and my fear. That much is obvious. It could have passed with a little cooperation, trust and communication. I didn't understand how it wasn't the most wonderful thing to ever happen to him. I was so happy I thought I'd explode at least once a day. I don't even think there are words to describe how I felt. I know it is not a unique experience but for me it was simply amazing and so rare. Despite the pain I felt I wouldn't trade it in - not for anything anyone could offer me. I guess it was one sided after all. I'll never really know. I try to be honest with myself. I don't pretend that I didn't feel that way. I don't pretend that "it just wasn't meant to be". When he told me that he wasn't willing to work with me to get through the harder part I accepted it because I had to. That is the truth of it - no more; no less. I'll never say anything different. I will always wish he hadn't made that choice and wonder if it was the right thing to do. I only mean when I do look back on it, not every day or anything like that. I continue with my life hoping I will find it again. I'm lucky to have had it at all. The other part that hurts is that he doesn't want to know me. At least thats what his actions have stated. He says something else. It has taken a long time for me to feel like I didn't do anything wrong and to see that that is him and not me. I guess it was hard for me to resolve that he only wanted me if I was going to be a g/f and that he never saw me as a friend or a worthwhile person. Maybe I'm wrong but I've been offered no other explanation even though I have asked. I only get a vague distant answer that explains nothing and is totally contradictory to his actions. The man that I've talked to since the break up is not the one I know. I guess I'm not allowed to talk to the person I knew anymore. I'm okay regardless. He lost someone who genuinely knew him and cared. His choice, his loss and he is entitled to it.
borelandkaren Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I stayed with her because I got used to being with her, used her to avoid focusing on my own shortcomings... I mean, with a laundry list of issues like hers it was so easy to blame her for my life being less than what I wanted. Obviously this was wrong of me, but I realize it now. In short I was so torn up when she left me because I had been using her to justify and ignore all that was wrong in my life and when she was gone my security blanket was taken away and I had to face my life and be responsible for where I was.... no-one to blame or distract me anymore. It's all in the past now though and have learned alot about myself through this. I almost thank her. I can relate so much to this. The "empty" feeling I have consistently inside me is (according to my counsellor) something that has always been there and I've just filled it with all kinds of different addictions, my ex being just another, so I've never really taken any notice of it. What we all need to do is to have a look at what is "really" happening inside ourselves. Are or were we truly happy before we met these people? Aren't these issues the reason that we chose such unsuitable people in the first place. Healthy people choose healthy people, don't they? And if they make the wrong choice, surely they're able to recognise it and move away from the situation quicker. Just a thought that's been swimming around in my head for a couple of days.
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