Rainnie girl Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I NEED ADVISE About three months ago my fiance told me that he needed a break and some space from me. He slowly moved out of our apartment but still to this day has half of his belongings at the apartment. I was devistated. I have planned my entire life around my marriage to him and it still feels like I can't move on. I am confused about our relatonship at this point. My ex fiance got a new job about a month before he ended the relationship. He seemed to change his focus in life to being successful with his career and that is it. He also started to befriend a new group of people that he works with (that is who he is living with right now). These new friends of his are not the most responsible individuals. They are all about 6 years younger than him (they are around the age of 22) and they all have children and like to party. The reason that i am confused about our relationship is because I do not know how to handle the current situation. Since our break up we have stayed in close contact with one another. We talk to each other at least once a day and on the occassion we will spend the day together. We do still have a physical relationship although it is not that often that we are intamite. I have asked him to come back home on more than one occssion and also if we could start to work things out. He never gives a straight answer. He just tells me that he needs time to think and never lets me know how he is feeling. I know that I made my mistakes during our relationship. I was at times controlling and un trusting of him. I have tried to show him that our time apart has helped me to overcome my faults but I am not sure if he believes me. When the two of us are together it feels like we are in a relationship again. We are affectionate, we have a great time, and we do not fight. He tells me all the things that I want to hear. He will say how much he loves to be with me and how he wants to spend more time together. Recently he got sick and he called me at work to come and take him to the hospital. Of course I left work early and took him. He stayed with me the entire night and I took care of his every need. He told me how much he loved me and how he knows I am the only person who would take care of him. He stayed with me through to the next night and then he left. If he has extra money and I need some he gives it to me. I just don't get what is going through his head. He will make plans with me and then never show. He will go out drinking with his new friends and not call me until two in the morning. And then at least once a week he will come around. He will be wonderful to me and tell me we will be seeing each other more. I know that he is really stressed at work. I recently had a talk with him about coming back home. He told me that he has thought about it but he has so much going on at work that he hasn't really had time to truly think. He told me that there are many things he loves about me and there are also some things that he has to decide if he could live with. I stopped wearing my engagment ring and he got very upset about that. I just don't know what to think. We are going to his moms high school reunion with his parents on July 4th weekend. I feel like I am still in a relationship but without the other person.
lorilynne Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Rainnie girl! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this...check out my thread He Doesn't Know What He Wants...pretty similar. It's hard for me to advise because I'm in the midst of my own dilemna & pretty jaded right now & I'd hate to convince you of anything that isn't the case. What I can tell you is that you deserve to be with someone that is sure they want to be with you (WE ALL DESERVE THIS). You deserve to be with someone that loves you and doesn't need a break from you. You take a break from things that stress you out or annoy you like work! You shouldn't need a break from someone you love. Maybe this time will help him realize how special you are & better yet maybe it will help YOU realize how special you are! Wow...I sure know how to say but have hard time following it. My friend told me that "You can't sell what you don't believe in". She meant I need to be more confident in myself to get what I want out of life. Don't criticize yourself for your mistakes in the past...I'm sure he made a few himself! He is right now! & you're willing to take him back because you love him! So you deserve to have those feelings reciporcated. He can't experience the loss of you though if he can pop into your life whenever he wants and if you are there to take care of him. All that says is he can offer you no kind of commitment but still get the best of you. Again, great advise I need to follow! I swear I'm not a hypocrite(sp?)!!! Stay strong & remember you can still be cordial with him but not his doormat. Listen when he wants to talk but don't give him the part of you that is earned through a committed relationship!
soda Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your ex-fiance likes having the security blanket of having you nearby, but he doesn't want to foster any of the responsibility of the relationship. He appears to be stringing you along, knowing that he'll ultimately regret his selfish behavior. I've been through this dynamic of person when I was dating, and even in marriage. For some reason, I seem to attract that type of person. His focus clearly isn't on you, and it probably won't be until he's forced to make a choice. You can be the nicest, most supportive partner in the world, and he won't recognize it until he realizes that it's gone.
Author Rainnie girl Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Thank you for the support. It does help to keep me motivated. Since my last letter I have come to beleave that my ex fiance is living with another women. The worst part of it is that she is someone that he works with and someone who is "not so great of a person" she is only 21 years old and has a two year old son. I have confronted him about his living with this girl but he continues to deny it. I know that I need to move on but I think that part of me is scared. I stopped calling him as much and let him know that I was not going to be physical with him anymore. If I don't call him he will send me messages like "I haven't heard from you". I haven't seen him in a week and he keeps telling me that he wants to see me. The past two nights he has told me that he has driven past my house wanting to come over but never came inside. I do not think that he loves this girl but I feel like he wants to have his fun. It is like he is moving forwards in his proffessional life (he got his promotion) and backwards in his personal life. In my heart I feel that he does still love me and after all the heartache he has put me thru, I do still want to be with him. I just don't know how to deal with all of this and what to think. He says he loves me still but that he is working all the time and has no time to think of what he wants for his personnal life. I want to let him know that I know he is with the other girl but then he will know that I have been checking up on him and I don't want that. I don't know if he has told this girl that he doesn't care about her because her my space page now says "crushed" "who knew 3 words could hurt so bad...I don't care" What should I think of that. I get so mad because this girl knows me and I feel like she is using him for what she can gain. When he talks about her it is always negative and about how he wants her fired. So why does he live with her, her sister, her sisters boyfriend, and her son???? He also is drinking ALL the time now! Yesterday I told him that I was not going to continue to ask him to come back to me but that I would still support him as a friend until he decides what he wants. I thought that this would make him happy because he always says that my asking him to come home stresses him. Nope, he got upset and deffensive. He accussed me of dating someone else and of giving up. It is like he is not happy if I am there asking him back and he isn't happy if I am not bothering him all the time. I think I am coming to the point in my heartache that I am getting angry and fed up. I hope all of this confussion will be over soon. I just really don't want it to end with him and I apart.
Recommended Posts