BillClam Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Today seems extra tough to me, as it's the anniversary of the person who I thought I was going to marry (and I) She's off at the Rainbow Gathering (hippie festival) in Wyoming, so I doubt I'll hear from her anytime soon, or at all. I really just want to say "hey" but for all the wrong reasons. It was an LDR in which I got dumped, I don't know if she just got tired of me missing her, or if she honestly had alot of life ahead of her before she truly wanted to settle down, but I miss her, and don't understand why I'm not there with her. Maybe she was right in that we just rushed our decisions, and we didn't have enough time to make true bonds. *sad*
sailing Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Two words: brown acid. ..sorry, just trying to cheer you up. I had a LDR go to pots (no pun intended there) too. By their very nature, they have a limited lifespan, I think, before some sort of resolution is required. The best part of being out of one is that you can concentrate on the present again. I wish you all the best.
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I'm still up and resisting the urge to at the most, simply text her "happy anniversary" I realize it would be the saddest bastard thing for me to do, but I'm in the "I'll take any response" mode right now. I need to just be satisfied with the letter I sent her a week ago and leave it at that. I don't get women. Thanks for the words though Sailing. She's not necessarily a hippy in that sense, just kind of a free spirit. I've never had more difficulty resisting to text two words, some words would be nice.
Nevermind Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Don't do it. If she feels anything for you, she should send you a text message. You wrote her a letter, and from what I read, you didn't get an answer, right? Don't do it. Let her believe that your life is full, too. You don't need to feed her ego. But, do something nice for yourself today. Invite some friends to watch tv/movies. Go out. Have a walk. Buy something nice. Plan a trip.
sailing Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 No, don't send that text. I can understand your urge for contact, but nothing good will come out of it unless it's her initiative. You would put her on the spot with "Happy anniversary". If in her mind the two of you have broken up, how do you think she'll respond to that? You say she's a free spirit, and I think you wrote before that her latest ex flipped and almost stalked her. Do you want her to view you like that? Or do you want to be the guy who kept his dignity?
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 No, don't send that text. I can understand your urge for contact, but nothing good will come out of it unless it's her initiative. You would put her on the spot with "Happy anniversary". If in her mind the two of you have broken up, how do you think she'll respond to that? You say she's a free spirit, and I think you wrote before that her latest ex flipped and almost stalked her. Do you want her to view you like that? Or do you want to be the guy who kept his dignity? I know what you guys mean, with the NC and such, or at least the desperate contact. But so far I feel I've closed more doors than I should have. It's all hindsight really. She's at least talking to the stalker from time to time, I flipped, said some things that would, in hindsight, might make even me back away. But I know in my heart and mind I didn't do anything on the scale of that guy, it's pretty damn lame in retrospect. I have to find a way to be comfortable with knowing she doesn't take men back in her life, even if at one point they were good for her. I'm young, she's young, etc. Slow healing, but thanks for words of input and dealing with my output. mini-rant - I think what I hate the most is what she's doing now, which is a severe amount of traveling, yeah, we legitimately didn't have much freedom to visit because of her archy job. But ever since she got the new company, now it's "I'm traveling here, and there, and here!" which leaves me feeling like I kept her back from such things, which I know isn't true. Yeah, I did want to be with her, but I never said she had to settle down in one place. I also explained I liked the idea of going from place to place, job to job for a while... I dunno, it seems maybe she's finding things to keep herself busy. I understand the aspect of being young and wanting to see the world, I don't necessarily understand why you have to dump someone for it. Maybe I should think of this as an oppurtunity to figure out what I want to do in my life, actually, that's exactly what I do. Thanks for sticking with me.
sailing Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 But so far I feel I've closed more doors than I should have. I know in my heart and mind I didn't do anything on the scale of that guy, it's pretty damn lame in retrospect. leaves me feeling like I kept her back from such things, which I know isn't true. I don't necessarily understand why you have to dump someone for it. I can't answer this, you may be right - or you might be wrong and are just wasting time with these assumptions. Whatever her reasons - selfish, random or legitimate - she seemed to have accumulated enough doubts and you have to accept that, however painful. Maybe I should think of this as an oppurtunity to figure out what I want to do in my life, actually, that's exactly what I do. Excellent! As was also suggested, try to keep yourself occupied. Go for a walk - don't know why it helps the thought processes, but it does. (That would be the thoughts about your future, mainly)
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 But so far I feel I've closed more doors than I should have. I know in my heart and mind I didn't do anything on the scale of that guy, it's pretty damn lame in retrospect. leaves me feeling like I kept her back from such things, which I know isn't true. I don't necessarily understand why you have to dump someone for it. I can't answer this, you may be right - or you might be wrong and are just wasting time with these assumptions. Whatever her reasons - selfish, random or legitimate - she seemed to have accumulated enough doubts and you have to accept that, however painful. Maybe I should think of this as an oppurtunity to figure out what I want to do in my life, actually, that's exactly what I do. Excellent! As was also suggested, try to keep yourself occupied. Go for a walk - don't know why it helps the thought processes, but it does. (That would be the thoughts about your future, mainly) You know, that's kind of funny, the whole here having 'doubt' thing, because her best friend mentioned that right during the break up. She was a great girl, and loved me, but too many doubts about her future arose, which is reasonable, though I hate to admit it. Again, and I might be assuming, but I think the last month of the relationship was pretty straining, and I know a few things I did wrong, which, I think I will share as advice when it can be useful. I just wish I could go, "Hey, I was kind of needy, and every time you called, all I talked about was how much I missed you, as opposed to what I was doing that makes me a unique person, go figure," I dunno, again, I wish I could use this learning experience to the relationship I had, but I guess if somewhere down the line I can have a better experience with the same lessons, I gotta take the oppurtunity! My process for the last few months has been like this though, everynow and then, reason sneaks in, but there's conflict with it, is that normal?
sailing Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I dunno, again, I wish I could use this learning experience to the relationship I had quote] I think like that too, I'm sure a lot of people do. Perhaps it can be that simple but there are other things to factor in, such as: my ex would probably not be very receptive to what I've learned - after all, he had to turn up the volume of his doubts to justify leaving the relationship. Also, it's possible that the relationship was doomed anyway, that there were subtle triggers for unhealthy behaviour that would only repeat itself in the future. It's been months of confusion for me too. Now that I'm getting over it, I came to LS to make sure I don't forget the lessons I've learned and make the same mistakes again.
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I dunno, again, I wish I could use this learning experience to the relationship I had quote] I think like that too, I'm sure a lot of people do. Perhaps it can be that simple but there are other things to factor in, such as: my ex would probably not be very receptive to what I've learned - after all, he had to turn up the volume of his doubts to justify leaving the relationship. Also, it's possible that the relationship was doomed anyway, that there were subtle triggers for unhealthy behaviour that would only repeat itself in the future. It's been months of confusion for me too. Now that I'm getting over it, I came to LS to make sure I don't forget the lessons I've learned and make the same mistakes again. Wow, the part about a person raising their doubts really hit home. I guess the doubts she had were always there, and I didn't focus on them, or at least address them in the best possible situation. I mean, the doubts she had were the length of time we knew each other, and the unforeseeable future, which are really hard ones to tackle for a newbie to relationships, but yeah, that still makes some sense. ... I learned something about myself today, sweet. edit - I do have to also consider the fact it might have just been a "falling out of love" situation, which also sucks, but I like to blame it on doubts, because the former really sucks.
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 It also kind of sucks knowing she's in a great archy company now, rather than the little one she was previously employed at. So things are looking up for her, I feel almost as if she kept the last job for so long because she wasn't ready to quite jump in just yet. This place has multiple branches, including one in the state she plans on going to grad school, even some of her friends from our college work in it. She's carrying on with life, I'm jealous of everything around her at times.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 , I'm jealous of everything around her at times. Is that the same as feeling inadequate in terms of what you offered? Or maybe, feeling that she felt that you were less deserving in terms of what SHE offered?
Author BillClam Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Crap, I wrote a reply than my internet wigged out. I assume to much about the both of us to really give or get a clear answer. I think I'm jealous because it plays out in my mind as, "You said you wanted to do all these great things with me, now you seem to be doing them,". So perhaps it's a mix of both, I don't know. She perhaps just fell out of love like some people do, even if the other person is great. It's all a bunch of confusing emotions that I can't really latch onto.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Yeah. I sort of can and cannot relate - with me it was that he was always, "this is the way I am" - stay-at-home, don't like to talk, not that social. Then when we split up...on the phone all the time, out until 6am. Kind of, "I guess I wasn't worth the trouble of making it happen with me." But. Don't you hate when the internet wigs out???
Author BillClam Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Yeah. I sort of can and cannot relate - with me it was that he was always, "this is the way I am" - stay-at-home, don't like to talk, not that social. Then when we split up...on the phone all the time, out until 6am. Kind of, "I guess I wasn't worth the trouble of making it happen with me." But. Don't you hate when the internet wigs out??? I know! Then I have to remember what I was saying, which is always a pain in the butt! I can see that perhaps I was a little too emotionally needy when she didn't need it, I honestly missed her though, I felt great when she called, or when I got a letter, and I wonder though if it turned into me becoming less of a person and more of this "thing" to her. I was no longer the funny guy with an awkward air of confidence. It was troubling that we couldn't plan our schedules together, I had to make time for school and family, there were some trips we missed out that still irk me. This wasn't a standard Distance relationship, we didn't have the freedom of weekends, I didn't even have the freedom of being able to mail her certain things, such as say, flowers, due to her field work. I'm in the acceptance/anger stage, maybe angry that I have to accept it. Really though, I did freak at the break up, and after reading so many guides, I personally wish I took it more in stride and left with some dignity. I personally wish I had kept up the facebook correspondence with her after the break up, as maybe that would have been a saving grace. I wish also that I could just say, "Hey, sorry if I effed up, you know this was my first relationship, and I can see how you had doubts that I was too naive to address," All hindsights. But right now, it's obvious she doesn't want to be tied down, which is kind of cool, knowing she's not looking for another relationship, but at the same time, kind of lame that I had to be that guy. I wasn't broken up with because I argued with her all the time, I wasn't broken up with because I was some ass hole, I was broken up with because she came to a crossroads in her life, and she sought to do it without me. But hey, I have to grow some too, I'm afraid of leaving my small college town for a job in the real world, but that's where I have to go I guess.
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