dharris27 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 So i broke up with this guy who was crazily in love with me but possible had some personality disorder or maybe it was his severe anxiety disorder and descent from Iran that made him really unaffectionate and well, he did some shady stuff like lie to me about things. I would never put up with that and break up with him but he'd always freak out and beg for me back because he would make effort to be a better guy. He did in a lot of ways but there seemed to be forever issues that would alienate me from him. Anyway, it's over. He contacted me off and on for like four months in which i was coping just fine and i aimed to keep things platonic for us because that was often his method for slipping back into my life. The first time i saw him with his new girl who he started dating pretty soon afterwards, maybe a month and a half and who he is still with today (trust me this was another huge thing i had to get over , i hoped she was just rebound), he literally asked her to leave as i could tell he was panicking and they got up and left, he slipped out in such a way he wouldn't face me. Now, this wasn't done because I'm a threat. I've been very nice to him and sweet, I'm almost 99 percent sure that his social anxiety issues and probably the fact that he'd rushed into another relationship without fully dealing with his feelings for me caused him to have the panick attack as he's very uncomfortable with his g/f's in public anyway. It totally wierded me out though because i thought since we have the same group of friends is the way it's always going to be? Since then seeing him out his g/f who knew me, who is eight or nine years older than me, and like six years older than him really acts like a teenager and makes sure that i feel like vapor around her and him or even her alone which is stupid because she use to take pictures of me and this guy together and hang out around us - it just shows a huge lack of security and immaturity for someone her age. They continued to ignore me for the next several times i saw them out, it hurt me greatly he couldn't even wave at me after two years of dating and how intensely we had connected. He had wronged me several times and I never wronged him once. Then in the past three months via texting he's said "he let's talk the next time we see each other" but if she's with him it's just so wierd, he still kind of avoids me. If he's alone at least he'll wave and then send me a text like i should have said a better hello in the middle of the night. It's so stupid it's been this complicated! It's felt so alienating of all the time we spent together and all the growing we went through for two years just about eight months ago. I'm 23, he's 25, and she's 31. Why am i the mature one here? I totally panick now when i seem one or both of them because of all the mixed signals I don't know how to act. Now i'm the one panicking! Should i just e-mail him and tell him how i have perceived all this, and see if us comparing notes doesn't make for a better understanding for the next time we see each other?
gummybear Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Here is an example where NC may not work. Because had he kept with NC and you never saw each other again, then you would have just forgetten him and moved on. But because he broke NC, it prevents the dumper from moving on as well. NC may only work if the breakup was due to the dumper falling out of love with the dumpee. But obviously by keeping in touch with him, your feelings are still kept in tact and it makes it hard for you to let go and move on and eventhough you dumped him you are still hurting from seeing him with someone else. NC helps BOTH the dumper and dumpee to move on. You should just ignore him the way he ignores you and stop the texting and calling. The whole the dumper wants to be friends with the dumpee just for kicks and ego boost is not always the case. I dumped a guy once and being friends with him was EXCRUCIATING because it kept reminding me how much I loved him yet how we are not meant for each other. It was very painful for me eventhough I dumped him. I didn't want to but it was what was best for both of us.
Author dharris27 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 yeah. you nailed it. I feel like you are the first to really understand this. I guess i will just let it ride. It's like i feel some sort of responsibility for not running up and saying **** your anxiety issues, hi!. But i have done this several times, that is, say hi to him. I have to forget about him. I just realized this recently. We won't be friends. He can't do that and well, i guess we just won't. Sometimes i feel like i wouldn't have dumped him had i known i would have to see him all the time at a distance but not be able to acknowledge him or our past but more so because i wouldn't be able to know him any more. Seems so lame that love is such a double edge sword. And obvioulsy i wouldn't have been happy had i stayed with him either. Kind of feels like a loose loose situation.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I have/had a similar issue and I reached out to ask him why he was avoiding me since we were both quite clear that we would see each other. I thought it was the right thing to do but I feel that he took it the wrong way. I got this response "If you are looking for answers I'm not sure I have any". He completely misunderstood my intent and I never got to finish asking or trying to make things more comfortable. In the first minute he was defensive and accused me of a semantic argument as if he was still somehow internally arguing with me. It was incredibly strange and uncomfortable. All I wanted from him was to know that since we have some mutual friends he would be cool at least for their sake. The coldness and avoiding is intentional and if I knew why maybe I could fix it or work around it. He says I haven't offended him or anything. We didn't have a bad break up. I haven't tried to get him back and have extended smiles and sweetness at every turn. I just don't get it. At first I thought we would be friends (he tells me we are friends, heh. right.) but he became more and more cold and strange to the point where he has totally avoided me since the break up. I haven't done anything but try to be nice to him and I've hoped that this would pass. Finally I've come to decide that its his loss really and I will try to be respectful of his space if I'm aware of his presence in advance but I'm not going to try anymore. Something is wrong with him and I think it is the same sort of anxiety you are talking about dharris27. Be careful and don't extend yourself too much because he might take it the wrong way. If you write consider that it might make it worse as it has for me. I innocently made him more paranoid (or whatever it is) and now I'm not sure what is going to happen when we do run into one another. I only know that I have tried and its his ball now he can play by himself if he wants to. *shrug* Its as shame really, it is so much harder than it has to be for him. I love that guy (as a person not a lover) and it sucks that he's so scared of me. It must be painful for him to be so freaked out.
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