megnog Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 This is all a bit stupid, I admit, but I have to get it out. I used to be so jealous and I really feel like I've gotten better. But recently, I have introduced my 4 year boyfriend to my friend, lets call her Sara. Now Sara is a very pretty girl. Everywhere we go she is turning heads, one guy even said she was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. I think that is going a bit far, but I agree she is a pretty girl. Anyway, it took me a while to introduce the two plus she lived in a different state for a while when attending school. Anyway it is kind of eating away at me slowly. I think its not a big deal at times but then I go back to thinking it's a huge deal. I have gotten past the fact that my boyfriend is going to be attracted to other people. But there is something that bothers me about him being attracted to one of my friends. Maybe it's because he gets an excuse to talk to them and be friendly, make stupid jokes and laugh with them. It's like flirting. I guess I don't want him flirting with my friends. That's understandable, right? Anyway the other night we all hung out for my birthday and she was wearing this sexy shirt and wasn't wearing a bra and if it wasn't for me being drunk, I know I would have been upset.. watching my boyfriend's eyes and all that paranoid jealous crap. I hate it. Sometimes I'm cool with it and other times I care too much. I just wish my friend wasn't so "hot". I feel stupid when we are all hanging out. I just feel like I could never compare to her, and that my boyfriend knows it. I don't know how to deal with this, she is so much fun to be around, I don't want anything to ruin our friendship and I don't want my boyfriend to know I'm so jealous.. well, he already knows. But I'm not showing it about my friend. What do I do?
Carmen87 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 The fact of the matter is, there will always be someone better looking out there. Does that mean guys leave their pretty girlfriends for beautiful girlfriends? No, the majority don't. Having a friendship such as this is detrimental. Yes, maybe your friend is pretty and maybe she seems to be the life of the party. So what? That's awesome for her that she should be so lucky. Your boyfriend is with YOU and unless he has given you a reason to feel he wants her more, you have to just suck it up. Guys do not like jealously like that.
smoothrider Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 There's not much can do really. I'm not female but I think I can understand your issues. You love your friend and you know how she is and accept how she is and you know how most guys act around her. You have a right to be scared of if your boyfriend might do something stupid one day but then if he does he wasn't meant for you anyway. All you can do is trust him. He might find her attractive but it should be you he's in love with making jokes and being polite is fine if he starts openly flirtling or making sexual jokes I would be worried unless your all like that. I would only get paranoid if he starts arranging time out to be with you AND her more, or if he starts calling her when it has nothing to do with you etc. Then ofcourse it's time to cut the wires. You should also know waht type of friend you have is she the type who would readily sleep witha friends man just to get her kicks without thinking of the consequence but you don't mind because "she'd never do that to me I'm a true friend" take that into consideration, you don't want her seducing your boyfriend who may one day just give in and not tell you what shes doing in fear of "your friend or me" scenarios. I had a group of female friends I used to hang with (along with guys) 2 of the girls always hung out, one had a partner but she still likes to go out with the girls (no harm in that) but her best friend was well a bit of a slut. I wasn't surprised to find out last year that her friend ending up sleeping with her man. It's just playing with fire, I don't even know why some women introduce friends like this to their partners or let them stay over etc etc.
Author megnog Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 thanks for your replies. no, my friend may be a flirt but not a slut. i have other friends that i have to be careful bringing my boyfriend around! but the other night, what really got me, is my boyfriend ended up ringing up a 60 dollar bill at the bar and i have hunch that he was buying her drinks. i was drunk so i have no memory of such thing but he kept buying drinks in threes and there was me and my friend, my boyfriend, and like three other guys. and why would he buy the guys a drink? anyway i can't make any accusations because i really don't know. and she wouldn't know either i bet because we were all trashed. anyway i guess i will have to suck it up. i'd like to think my boyfriend only wants me .. but the truth is , i have a feeling he is with me for a large amount based on looks. not that i think i'm hot ****. but he has told me in the past (when we used to argue a lot) that he puts up with my **** way more on account of he thinks i have a pretty face. i guess thats nice in a sense but i am afraid thats one of the main reasons. there have been other examples like that one but i can't seem to think of any right now. anyway my point was is that if he bases this relationship off of looks, he must be blown away when he sees my friend. ugh i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. i should just shut up and deal with it.
havoc Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 but he has told me in the past (when we used to argue a lot) that he puts up with my **** way more on account of he thinks i have a pretty face. iven know what i'm saying anymore. i should just shut up and deal with it. Oops, there's your problem! Your boyfriend has indicated he's with you only for looks, so naturally you feel insecure with having a "hot" friend around him. Hell, if my boyfriend told me that, I'd be insecure too, because I have a lot hot friends as well! Maybe he said that out of anger, maybe not, but I am sure it stuck in your craw. I don't blame you. My boyfriend tells me all sorts of reasons he loves me -- yes, one of them is looks, but there are a lot of others. That's why it doesn't bug me to have good-looking people around him -- I know I am more than just a pretty face to him. How does your bf make YOU feel? Do you think he values you for more than just a pretty face?
smoothrider Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 but he has told me in the past (when we used to argue a lot) that he puts up with my **** way more on account of he thinks i have a pretty face. Haha yeah that does give it all away.No wonder this is bothering you, you even remember it and have given the time to mention it in this thread. Well we all say things out of anger much as we dont like it's usually based on some deep down truth except maybe when we say I dont even love you, I've never said that personally but we always say things that we know are going to hurt our partner the most in fights. I've said things like " I put up with you only because your so damn hot" It's usually my way not only to let out some anger but that it's not so negative but to leave my girlfriend while probably confused but with more self esteem after an argument . I also will say other things besides looks too. The drink thing could be innocent. I like to "splash out" when with the girlfriend with her friends or joint friends mostly to show that I'm not a chump and my girlfriend isn't with a chump either. He could of just did it to make your girlfriend know your being looked after well, it's macho crap. On the other hand maybe he was just having a **** load of fun, you all got smashed and you didnt exactly decline the drinks. Just keep your eye open, never trust someone 100% even the ones you love the most. Just always keep that doubt it's healthy but not so much you become obsessed.
Carmen87 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 he has told me in the past (when we used to argue a lot) that he puts up with my **** way more on account of he thinks i have a pretty face. /quote] Well geez girl, there is your problem. Its most likely those comments that are making you act so jealous. Quite frankly I don't blame you since hearing that. The only thing you can really do is trust your boyfriend completely, or just keep an eye out when he is around her.
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 thanks for your replies. no, my friend may be a flirt but not a slut. ! . If you feel like this about your friend then just try to remind yourself of this whenever you start feeling jealous. I have a similar situation with a friend of mine. To make my situation worse, my husband has cheated on me in the past. However I am able to relax a little more around my hot friend because I know she has my best interest at heart. I am a jealous person to some degree, but I feel like if my husband likes or fantasizes about her ....oh well, it will never get him anywhere with her...she wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole because he is mine.
Author megnog Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 oh god, i'm freaking out and i don't know how to react. last night i had a party at my parents house. they left for the night. i'll get right down to it, my boyfriend got pretty drunk and when everything was over i brought him up my parents room and we went to bed together. problem is i wake up at 8 in the morning to find him no longer with me. i see his stuff on the ground (sneakers, etc) so i know he is still in the house. well down the hall is our guest bedroom where i let "sara" go to bed for the night. and who do i find next to her sleeping???? MY BOYFRIEND. WHAT THE F?!?! and this is strange because we had just had a fight about her during the party. he was chatting her up and i'm a little drunk and i got upset because i thought there was something going on. while i admit that was stupid, THIS i think is cause for concern. i'm mad at myself for getting upset last night but what do i do now? i can't believe this happened. not only do i feel upset and hurt that he would actually get up at some point during the night, leave my bedside and go lay in the bed with the girl that i worry the most about, i'm also embarassed. when i was pulling on his leg to wake up he got up but also woke up my friend in the process. he took me by the hand and we went back to my parents bedroom but i was very upset. he tried to go back to sleep and pulled me towards him. i got up saying i had to go to the bathroom and just left the room. he ended up getting up and leaving shortly after and at this point i was downstairs in the kitchen with my friend. after he left she asked me "why was in the bed with me?" i said "i don't know , thats why i'm pissed" i know at some point she is going to tell some people because i could tell she was kind of freaked out. my boyfriend isn't going to come up with any logical reason because he was drunk... but still, how could he do this? what do i do? i want to say **** it, i can't handle this ****. but we've been together for four and a half years. and i'm always going to have this problem because she is my friend. i refuse to break up with him even as mad as i am. but i don't know what to do.
LeMarcheNoir Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Megnog - the way I see it, you're on the verge of losing your boyfriend, your friend, and most of your self-esteem all at once. Let's face it, you're not going to 'just get over' your jealousy, like others suggest. You simply cannot make it happen just like that. Your only solution is to get rid of your 'friend' as fast as possible. Look at it this way; if she is causing you such emotional turmoil then she's not your friend. It makes no difference whether it's based on something she can't help ie her attractiveness. Don't feel guilty about ditching her. When your confidence and self esteem start to return you'll thank yourself. Another thing; Unlike most men, your boyfriend has been good enough to be upfront about how a woman's prettyness will influence him. What he hasn't told you - because he doesn't want to hurt you or cause a fight -is that this effect is multiplied by 100 in his head. That's men for you. LISTEN to what your boyfriend has told you. Do i have to spell it out for you? Put him and your very attractive friend in the same room and you've created the perfect setting for disaster. As hard as this may be, try and be as objective as you can about the situation. It's not going to work itself out. Something's gotta give. Ask yourself bluntly -if it came to the crunch, which would be the easiest to sacrifice - your boyfriend, your friend or your self-esteem? Good luck
hotpinklove85 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Ok, I think you have a problem! You were very calm compaired to what I would have been! Do you honestly think your friend didnt know he was in bed with her? Why else would he have woken her up as well? Neither of them are worth you feeling this way. I agree with the others when they said you should ditch her, There is no way that she is a good friend if she let him do that to you. I promise you will be much better off in the long run.
sally4sara Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 If this situation prompts you to ditch the friend, will that be enough? I don't know why you would ditch her and not the BF as well. What kind of relationship will this progress to if you have to measure each female friend you have as to how attractive they are before bringing them around your man? I think if you stay with him now it will eat your self esteem away knowing he is with you so long as you are the prettiest face in the room. Have you asked them what led up to him being in bed with her? What state of dress were they in when you found him?
Author megnog Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 perhaps I didn't explain very well. I don't think I should ditch my friend AT ALL. It's not her fault shes a pretty face, I mean she may be a bit of a flirt but she is a very good friend to me. I had a party that night and everyone was drunk. My boyfriend especially was so drunk it was one of the extremely rare times I had to take care of him instead of the opposite. After speaking to him, I learned it was an honest mistake. I know he wouldn't tell me otherwise but I believe him mostly because I saw just how drunk he was. He told me he must have been "drunk walking" (like sleep walking while drunk?). She awoke barely and fell right back into sleeping when she realized (or thought) it was a well-known male friend who had also spent the night. Weird, yes, but not something to fully wake up and say "why are here?" I don't blame my friend at all, everyone was in a drunken stuper and I don't expect her to care too much AS LONG AS there was no touching of any sort, in which case she would have told me and I definitely wouldn't even be giving my boyfriend a CHANCE to explain. Anyway, they were fully clothed and facing opposite ways when I stumbled upon them in a bed together. Although it still hurts me to think about, I believe about 98% that it was an honest mistake and that he didn't mean to get into a bed with her. He wouldn't be THAT stupid. Anyway, what would you guys do? Take in the new circumstances and try to believe this guy is usually a good guy. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing.
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