hermit Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Wow... Serious head problems since my bf of 2 years dumped me almost 3 months ago. I felt extremely close to him, could tell him everything, and since he's gone i have no-one i trust. Haven't had a good conversation, a laugh or even a hug since april 2nd. Think i'm going through the depression phase. Confused feelings - completely devastated and missing him/ still loving him, whilst at the same time being angry at myself for giving him everything he wanted and always putting him first, whilst he completely took me for granted and never made an effort... And then dumped me. The other night i had this weird dream out of the blue. Dreamed of this guy (F) i had a very deep, intense friendship for about a month. He's german and moved back there only a month or so after we met. That was about a year before i got with my ex, i.e 3 years ago. During that month F and i were inseparable, spent hours every day talking. Though it was a platonic relationship it was very intense (we never talked about romantic feelings, but i fell in love with him and i think he felt similarly)... Saying goodbye was very hard. We'd made plans to visit each other, but contact got less and less. Last time i sent him a message was a year ago this month. Still i see him as one of the very few people i've trusted and been able to talk to. Maybe that's why i dreamed of him - because i miss someone i can talk to. But the dream made me even more confused about my feelings... It felt like my feelings for F are still there somewhere. He's among my friends on facebook, and part of me really wants to get in touch with him... But won't that just look like i'm just getting in touch because i'm lonely? This is partly true, but on the other hand i just miss talking to him..... I'm really confused. I still have photos from my month with F and we're hanging out with our big group of friends, all smiling and happy... But shortly afterwards all of them, including him, one by one moved abroad. For two years i had my bf, and i thought we were meant for each other, he was my best friend. Now he's dumped me... and there's no-one... I'm looking thin and pale and old and looking at the old photos makes me even sadder... Any advice????
northstar1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Wow... Serious head problems since my bf of 2 years dumped me almost 3 months ago. I felt extremely close to him, could tell him everything, and since he's gone i have no-one i trust. Haven't had a good conversation, a laugh or even a hug since april 2nd. Think i'm going through the depression phase. Confused feelings - completely devastated and missing him/ still loving him, whilst at the same time being angry at myself for giving him everything he wanted and always putting him first, whilst he completely took me for granted and never made an effort... And then dumped me. The other night i had this weird dream out of the blue. Dreamed of this guy (F) i had a very deep, intense friendship for about a month. He's german and moved back there only a month or so after we met. That was about a year before i got with my ex, i.e 3 years ago. During that month F and i were inseparable, spent hours every day talking. Though it was a platonic relationship it was very intense (we never talked about romantic feelings, but i fell in love with him and i think he felt similarly)... Saying goodbye was very hard. We'd made plans to visit each other, but contact got less and less. Last time i sent him a message was a year ago this month. Still i see him as one of the very few people i've trusted and been able to talk to. Maybe that's why i dreamed of him - because i miss someone i can talk to. But the dream made me even more confused about my feelings... It felt like my feelings for F are still there somewhere. He's among my friends on facebook, and part of me really wants to get in touch with him... But won't that just look like i'm just getting in touch because i'm lonely? This is partly true, but on the other hand i just miss talking to him..... I'm really confused. I still have photos from my month with F and we're hanging out with our big group of friends, all smiling and happy... But shortly afterwards all of them, including him, one by one moved abroad. For two years i had my bf, and i thought we were meant for each other, he was my best friend. Now he's dumped me... and there's no-one... I'm looking thin and pale and old and looking at the old photos makes me even sadder... Any advice???? Hi there Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain. You need time to move on and heal. It's natural when you breakup to also start thinking of past loves/relationships and either revisit with that person, or want to connect. Your brain is trying to deal with all the thoughts of the breakup, the good times/bad times. All of us who breakup are craving that emotional bond, the intimacy, feeling of being loved etc. It's completely natural. A few things that may help. 1)Stop looking at the old photos/emails etc. Nostalgia leads to sadness and depression. Maybe one day you can look at them with fondness - but for now, they are just triggers for sadness and memories. Put them away. 2)What will contacting F accomplish? Think about what you want out of it if he does reply? 3)Stop looking at Facebook - that damn application only causes more heartache for people who are trying to heal. 4)Find yourself again - set some goals, work on some hobbies - exercise, start eating better - hang out with friends - join a club. Start doing things for yourself. It will get better.
carhill Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 OP, would you want F to be a rebound? That's what he'd likely be. Let's say you resumed that friendship. If both of you were unattached, do you think it would really remain platonic? Just some things to consider.
Author hermit Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Thanks for you replies and for talking some sense to me ;o)... I suppose part of me is regretting that i didn't make enough effort to maintain the friendship whilst i was with my bf... Maybe to some extent because it was long distance, and rthe omantic undertones, but also because i lived and breathed for my bf throughout those two years and didn't make time for anything else, fool that i am. Romantic feelings aside, i feel i've neglected the deepest friendship i had in the past 5- 6 years apart from my relationship with my ex, and now that he's gone i haven't got anyone close to me even to just have a drink and a good conversation with. But then again, as you say Carhill, there could be danger of a rebound relationship, which i don't want but might fall into as i think i still have feeling for him. I miss my buddy and our friendship, but there on my part was undeniably something more, that's what makes it difficult. Plus i feel i can't get in touch now that i've neglected him for an entire year. Just wish i hadn't given everything into the rs with my bf, it didn't make him love me more, and now am left with nothing. Anyone in a similar situation?
LikeCharlotte Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 There is no reason you can't talk to your friend. Rekindle the friendship, who knows maybe there is still a little flame. My only concern is that I am getting the impression that you do want a rebound. Is it possible you are looking for a rebound that is safe? Possibly with someone you know it is near impossible to be with because of the distance? I have had to consider this myself lately because I met someone I really like but he is in another country. In my case the answer is a resounding NO. If my far away friend were close I'd be on it like hot on Georgia asphalt. YUM! (Sorry to those not in the US Georgia tends to be very hot). Actually, I am despite the distance. You never know unless you try, right? I digress; think about it so you do not hurt yourself or your friend. In the meantime there is nothing wrong with admitting you treated a good friend like second string to your bf. Your relationship with your bf is/was supposed to come first. Apologize for being distant and attempt to know your friend all over again.
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