GPFan Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 It seems like you're putting all the blame on his wife. Ever think that HE contributed to her problems, let alone their marriage? Hello, he's CHEATING on her with you. You can't forget this whole thing, it isn't just going to go away. If you can't do what is required to fix your marriage, then DIVORCE your husband, set him free so he can start over. Shellz, I guess I don't understand why you're in still in this marriage since you are miserable and don't want to deal with the fallout of your choice to have an affair. If you are sick of the way he is treating you, then do something about it - Get out of your marriage, go to counselling on your own, do something. Are you still intouch with the MM? If you are, your husband has every right to be pissed off. Ditto on MM contributing to any problems in his marriage as well as doing something other than waiting for MM to leave his wife. WWIU is correct, your Husband has every reason to stay pissed off since you refuse to work through this with him whilst insisting on remaining married.
pelicanpreacher Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Okay Shellz, its clear that no-one on this board has been able to reverse or even alter your mindset so let's fast forward to the possible point in time scenario where your husband has adopted your attitude toward him of "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you anymore". At this point all you feel is his resentment to your presence and you've come to realize there is no hope whatsoever for sustaining the relationship in the future. What are your options? Remain in a loveless marriage to someone embittered against you? ..Separate? ...Divorce? If you do end up getting divorced remember that you're a licensed optician so the courts may rule that you are fully capable of obtaining gainful employment in your field to take care of your own financial needs by virtue of your professional certification and therefore deny a lengthy spousal support order. Your husband would likely be granted joint custody and, with the prospect of future earnings calculated as an optician, even though you were the child's primary caregiver, that income expectation might affect the amount you receive in child support as well. I'd advice that you at least seek legal council now to understand where you'll stand later! As for your previous agreement that allowed you to stay home to raise your child that should be reconsidered for it was predicated on a former agreement to "forsake all others" when you said your wedding vows. Since you breached the first agreement then all attached subagreements enacted thereafter should be considered null and void. You need to focus on getting a career with benefits immediately because if you look far enough into the future to see the worst case conclusion for your affair you don't want to find yourself hanging out to dry without a real job!
Darth Vader Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 And she thinks that hubby will have to support her ASS? Forget it! She may end up paying hubby a nice check when this is all over! No wonder she's snowballing him!
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 As for your child. My parents divorced when I was a teenager after my father's repeated affairs and a really rough 2 years where they tried to make things work (whilst he was still having affairs). It was such a relief to me when they finally split. It is better for the child to have parents who are happy and not living together than all living under one roof in "hell". Start taking responsibility for what you have done and how you deal with it. First, Shellz is just here for attention. Stop giving it to her so she will go away! Second, I read your thread and your perpetuating the same cycle of emotional abuse. Divorce or no divorce, your children will learn from your behavior. Lastly, Shellz doesn't understand the concept of responsibility, your wasting your time with that one.
Tomcat33 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 What I don't understand is why a good majority here are urging Shellz to work on her marriage when the MM she can't be with is doing the exact same thing, staying out of comfort not because they want to replenish their marriage. Look let's be realistic here, most people that cheat don't stay to fix the marriage they stay to go right back to what lead them to have the affair in the first place, but they bit the bullet and t's nice to have a roof over their head, a nice car, the status quo and the children believing mommy and daddy are fine. I don't see why everyone is coming down so hard on Shelz she is doing what most cheaters do, go back to the same old same old and pretend everything is going to be okl. HELLO why do you think she cheated on her H? Clearly she doesn't love him, most people who cheat don't love their spouses otherwise they wouldn't cheat on them so why is it so shocking that she is willing to stay in a marriage she doesn't even want? It's what most people do. Let's face it in most cases the BS is choice #2, choice #1 being status quo and comfort. Sad but true.
Tomcat33 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sorry this totally off topic but I am dying to know: Untouchable Fire: what does your name mean? Isn't all fire untachable? Isn't that an oxymoron??
pelicanpreacher Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 What I don't understand is why a good majority here are urging Shellz to work on her marriage when the MM she can't be with is doing the exact same thing, staying out of comfort not because they want to replenish their marriage. Look let's be realistic here, most people that cheat don't stay to fix the marriage they stay to go right back to what lead them to have the affair in the first place, but they bit the bullet and t's nice to have a roof over their head, a nice car, the status quo and the children believing mommy and daddy are fine. I don't see why everyone is coming down so hard on Shelz she is doing what most cheaters do, go back to the same old same old and pretend everything is going to be okl. HELLO why do you think she cheated on her H? Clearly she doesn't love him, most people who cheat don't love their spouses otherwise they wouldn't cheat on them so why is it so shocking that she is willing to stay in a marriage she doesn't even want? It's what most people do. Let's face it in most cases the BS is choice #2, choice #1 being status quo and comfort. Sad but true. These are excellent points except for one thing...Shellz's BS knows about the affair and is reacting with the full force of the anger stage of grief. Sooner or later he'll move onto the other stages of grief until he finally enters the stage of indifference at which point Shellz won't have any say about whether to remain in the marriage or not for the decision will no longer be hers to make. Her status quo is slowly dying before her eyes!
bentnotbroken Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 These are excellent points except for one thing...Shellz's BS knows about the affair and is reacting with the full force of the anger stage of grief. Sooner or later he'll move onto the other stages of grief until he finally enters the stage of indifference at which point Shellz won't have any say about whether to remain in the marriage or not for the decision will no longer be hers to make. Her status quo is slowly dying before her eyes! Not only that, the MM in Shellz situation isn't on her talking about how much in love he is with her and how abused he is. We only have her word that he isn't happy. For all we know he is completely satisfied with his decision and is doing everything he can to restore his relationship with his wife and his children.
anne1707 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Second, I read your thread and your perpetuating the same cycle of emotional abuse. Divorce or no divorce, your children will learn from your behavior. It is exactly because my situation is similar to this thread that I felt I could comment. But I do differ in that I love my H and want our marriage to work - and not for money or until the OM says he wants me. We also do not have children so our behaviour is only hurting us.
Owl Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Look let's be realistic here, most people that cheat don't stay to fix the marriage they stay to go right back to what lead them to have the affair in the first place, but they bit the bullet and t's nice to have a roof over their head, a nice car, the status quo and the children believing mommy and daddy are fine. This is your opinion...not fact. Some of us have seen different results in our own experiences...just as your experiences have led you to this opinion. MY experience has been that IF a cheater doesn't leave, then they typically expect massive changes in the marriage to FIX is as part of their decision to stay.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is your opinion...not fact. Some of us have seen different results in our own experiences...just as your experiences have led you to this opinion. MY experience has been that IF a cheater doesn't leave, then they typically expect massive changes in the marriage to FIX is as part of their decision to stay. Well you are the BS so you will never really know why your W stayed. But you can have a pretty good guess, I'll give you that.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 These are excellent points except for one thing...Shellz's BS knows about the affair and is reacting with the full force of the anger stage of grief. Sooner or later he'll move onto the other stages of grief until he finally enters the stage of indifference at which point Shellz won't have any say about whether to remain in the marriage or not for the decision will no longer be hers to make. Her status quo is slowly dying before her eyes! Well she did cheat on the guy who said she should get away scott free? Though seeing how a lot of BSs act, I don't think her status quo will be rocked, many many BSs are happy to take a cheater back and continue in denial and in recluse mode from their spouses in order to keep what they have. They go through this period of phoney recovery and slip right back into the same state they were in before the A even happened. It's rare that you can teach old dogs new tricks, it takes an incredible amount of effort in both parts but they manage to survive in this mode and learn to accept it's "better than being alone" so I wouldn't be so quick to say "absolutely she will be stripped of her status quo by her H" not always the case. Some BSs don't seem to care either way, as long as they get to keep all their material things that represent marriage.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I don't see why everyone is coming down so hard on Shelz she is doing what most cheaters do, go back to the same old same old and pretend everything is going to be okl. HELLO why do you think she cheated on her H? Clearly she doesn't love him, most people who cheat don't love their spouses otherwise they wouldn't cheat on them so why is it so shocking that she is willing to stay in a marriage she doesn't even want? It's what most people do. Because she uses everyone around her for selfish gain without shame. Her H for $$$, us for attention... ect. People such as that bring suffering to everyone. Sorry this totally off topic but I am dying to know: Untouchable Fire: what does your name mean? Isn't all fire untachable? Isn't that an oxymoron?? A fire that can be felt, but not held. It's meant to be a bit cryptic.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Because she uses everyone around her for selfish gain without shame. Her H for $$$, us for attention... ect. People such as that bring suffering to everyone. A lot of cheaters do that why are you making her pay for what a lot of cheaters do? If she manages to fool her BS or the BS is accepting of what he is getting from her, then the BS is happy with what he is getting in return in which case it is irrelevant what we think. A fire that can be felt, but not held. It's meant to be a bit cryptic. Still confused, all fire is untouchable, it is fire. Maybe I just need to take a shower with some wet water.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 us for attention... ect. ???? no one is forcing you to give her attention!?!? It's your choice.
herenow Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Well she did cheat on the guy who said she should get away scott free? Though seeing how a lot of BSs act, I don't think her status quo will be rocked, many many BSs are happy to take a cheater back and continue in denial and in recluse mode from their spouses in order to keep what they have. They go through this period of phoney recovery and slip right back into the same state they were in before the A even happened. It's rare that you can teach old dogs new tricks, it takes an incredible amount of effort in both parts but they manage to survive in this mode and learn to accept it's "better than being alone" so I wouldn't be so quick to say "absolutely she will be stripped of her status quo by her H" not always the case. Some BSs don't seem to care either way, as long as they get to keep all their material things that represent marriage. I can't relate to the OP here, but this quote is something that I can voice my opinion on. Yes, it does take an incredible amount of effort to re-build a marriage after an affair. It takes effort from both partners. It does seem like the OP would be better off letting her H go and find someone who truly wants to be 100% committed to a relationship with him. She doesn't seem to be willing to put the necessary effort into her marriage at this point. JMO.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I can't relate to the OP here, but this quote is something that I can voice my opinion on. Yes, it does take an incredible amount of effort to re-build a marriage after an affair. It takes effort from both partners. It does seem like the OP would be better off letting her H go and find someone who truly wants to be 100% committed to a relationship with him. She doesn't seem to be willing to put the necessary effort into her marriage at this point. JMO. Yeah but if her H is willing to put up with that then they are both getting what they want, whatever that may be. Right? Her H is a grown and man an adult, if he feels that she is making him feel second rate, then he can leave too. But he doesn't. So let them be I say. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him. Shelz is no more selfish than her H is a sap.
herenow Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Yeah but if her H is willing to put up with that then they are both getting what they want, whatever that may be. Right? Her H is a grown and man an adult, if he feels that she is making him feel second rate, then he can leave too. But he doesn't. So let them be I say. Shelz is no more selfish than her H is a sap. You gotta point there. So, since I haven't read the whole thread, what's the problem here? Is it that the MM that the OP loves isn't willing to do what it takes to be with her?
bentnotbroken Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 The point was to make her H into the bad guy and her into the victem. Victem of both men. Uhhh Huhh yeah, that's it.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 You gotta point there. So, since I haven't read the whole thread, what's the problem here? Is it that the MM that the OP loves isn't willing to do what it takes to be with her? Right she needs to get over that and accept the reality of that. That is her issue and a seperate one, and it doesn't look liker her love for her H is dependant on this other man, not right now at least. In the opening post she said "I lost feelings for him" yet he still wants to stick around and make it work. But in terms of what she is doing with her H unless he is stupid and blind he will know sooner or later if she is into recovering the marriage or not, if he chooses to stay it is HIS choice as well. No victims here two adults working on the knowledge they have infront of them. He could just as easily walk and he isn't even after being dumped on as he has. No victims at all. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him.
LifesontheUp Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Though seeing how a lot of BSs act, I don't think her status quo will be rocked, many many BSs are happy to take a cheater back and continue in denial and in recluse mode from their spouses in order to keep what they have. They go through this period of phoney recovery and slip right back into the same state they were in before the A even happened. It's rare that you can teach old dogs new tricks.......... Flip this around and the saying once a cheater always a cheater must be true for many many WS......as its rare that you can teach old dogs new tricks
bentnotbroken Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Flip this around and the saying once a cheater always a cheater must be true for many many WS......as its rare that you can teach old dogs new tricks Nicely done.
Darth Vader Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 These are excellent points except for one thing...Shellz's BS knows about the affair and is reacting with the full force of the anger stage of grief. Sooner or later he'll move onto the other stages of grief until he finally enters the stage of indifference at which point Shellz won't have any say about whether to remain in the marriage or not for the decision will no longer be hers to make. Her status quo is slowly dying before her eyes! The dreaded Indifference stage, I almost forgot about that one! You're definately right about that! Once poor Hubby hits the Indifference stage, it's all OVER! The marriage is dead, Elvis has left the building!
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 My XMM & I had such a passionate & deep affair, that when he ended it at d-day, I was devastated. He didn't hold up his end of the situation. He laid down & begged for forgiveness. It was the opposite of all that we had talked about. I told my H i was in love with the MM. We were both sure our spouses would throw us out b/c we were all such close friends for so long. But that didn't happen. I am angry, hurt, & totally crushed. But if he would call me & tell he can't take it anymore & is miserable, I would take him back. I think he is settling for what is comfortable & b/c he has been married for 25 years there is a lot invested. The part I bolded...Because of this, divorce your husband immediately. Why save a marriage that you have no interest in fixing. Be alone, get counselling and move on with your life, without your husband and your MM. Set eachother free, why stay if you are this unhappy and pining for someone else? From what he has expressed to me recently, I think he is very scared of what he has to lose. In my opinion, who cares? When you have those deep feelings that you have never had before, you do whatever it takes to be with that person. Does this mean you've been in contact with your MM since D-Day? Is that why your husband is being nasty to you because he knows you've still been in contact with the MM?
bentnotbroken Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 She talks a good game about her abuse and the MM being too afraid to leave, I think it is the other way around. She is the abuser and she is afraid to leave. She'll just continue her sabotage of her H and pine for the MM, as she plays the martyr.
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