Shellz Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 This is a 2nd post b/c everything that was posted before is gone. Again, here is the history on this...I started having an affair with a man that that my H & I have been family friends w/for 12 yrs. My H used to work with him. We always got together, but there was always this mutual connection with the MM & I. I never acted on it truly until last Labor Day when they came out to our camper. The MM & I did discuss fantasies about eachother prior to this. Well, after this initial makeout session, we were hooked. He started calling me & then I started calling him & we started meeting at parks & then it escalated into motel rooms every week. We also found time to meet on his way home from work, when his wife went to church on Sunday mornings, etc. He expressed to me in every phone conversation (which was about 10 a day) how miserable he was without me & he was crabby all the time. I was his perfect woman, & wondered how he could have married the person he did. He has been married for 24 years on the exact same date as my H&I 1st date...9/17/83. He is almost 9 yrs older than me. We were having an affair for 6 mos & during this time, we were getting our families together atleast once a week to throw darts & play games, etc. It was a totally selfish move, but we needed to see eachother as much as possible. My H thought of this guy like a brother. We both felt guilty about this, but we couldn't stop. We both said that we never felt this way before, even when thing were new with with our spouses. It was very deep & intense on both ends. He said he was trying to piss his wife off, so she would leave, b/c they talked about divorce a bunch of times seriously before. When D-day came at the end of Feb., he totally dumped me. I was in complete & total shock after knowing what he expressed continously. He kept saying his kids would hate him (they are teenagers). Well, I am in hell. I feel like I can not breathe without him. I break out into tears all day. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him. No matter what you all think, he didn't use me. He has never cheated before, & we agreed that we always really liked eachother. It has been over 3 mos since we have seen eachother & it is getting worse for me. I can not stop thinking about him. I have called him on his work phone & he just keeps saying his kids will hate him. He misses me & loves me, but alsol loves his wife. I just don't get this, b/c he was sick of her. She does not know how to have fun & he is a fun guy & very social. He said he was ready to simplify his life & wanted to be with me. He constantly expressed how miserable he was at home w/o me. This was confirmed with her when we got together, so I know it wasn't an act. He moaned & groaned all the time about it over the phone. He told me how much in love with me he was all the time. You don't risk your entire life over a good lay. He told me how jealous his wife was of me & it was obvious when we got together. WHY IS HE STAYING WITH HER? I told my H that I wanted the MM. He feels like he is 2nd choice & I don't blame him. What the **** is wrong with me, that I can't get over this? I am 38 yrs old & sexy, fun, hot, funny & I think like a guy. I am the perfect catch for him, especially b/c he is 47. What is wrong with him??? She is boring, fat, a holyroller, etc...all the things he complained about. I think she really scared him into financial things & more. I made contact with him recently & I was close to his work & he wouldn't see me b/c he said it would hurt too bad. He said he thinks about me all the time. I think he is settling for mediocrity & the idea that his kids wouldn't get over it. But if his feelings were as strong as mine, then that chance wouldn't matter, right?
dirty diana Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 What is wrong with him you ask? He changed his mind about being with you. He decided being with you isn't worth leaving a 20+ year marriage and his kids. From what you post it seems as though he loves you but he changed his mind and you need to accept that. It's been three months. You need to move on. Stop chasing him. If it was meant that you two are to be together then maybe you will someday ... once his kids are raised. If you love him stop pressuring him about it. Let him make his own decisions. I know it's difficult for you after what seems like a very hot affair, but you need to move on. He told you what he wants. Listen to what he is saying.
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 This is a 2nd post b/c everything that was posted before is gone. Again, here is the history on this...I started having an affair with a man that that my H & I have been family friends w/for 12 yrs. My H used to work with him. We always got together, but there was always this mutual connection with the MM & I. I never acted on it truly until last Labor Day when they came out to our camper. The MM & I did discuss fantasies about eachother prior to this. Well, after this initial makeout session, we were hooked. He started calling me & then I started calling him & we started meeting at parks & then it escalated into motel rooms every week. We also found time to meet on his way home from work, when his wife went to church on Sunday mornings, etc. He expressed to me in every phone conversation (which was about 10 a day) how miserable he was without me & he was crabby all the time. I was his perfect woman, & wondered how he could have married the person he did. He has been married for 24 years on the exact same date as my H&I 1st date...9/17/83. He is almost 9 yrs older than me. We were having an affair for 6 mos & during this time, we were getting our families together atleast once a week to throw darts & play games, etc. It was a totally selfish move, but we needed to see eachother as much as possible. My H thought of this guy like a brother. We both felt guilty about this, but we couldn't stop. We both said that we never felt this way before, even when thing were new with with our spouses. It was very deep & intense on both ends. He said he was trying to piss his wife off, so she would leave, b/c they talked about divorce a bunch of times seriously before. When D-day came at the end of Feb., he totally dumped me. I was in complete & total shock after knowing what he expressed continously. He kept saying his kids would hate him (they are teenagers). Well, I am in hell. I feel like I can not breathe without him. I break out into tears all day. My husband wants to stay with with me after all this. I am amazed by this, but I have lost those feelings for him. No matter what you all think, he didn't use me. He has never cheated before, & we agreed that we always really liked eachother. It has been over 3 mos since we have seen eachother & it is getting worse for me. I can not stop thinking about him. I have called him on his work phone & he just keeps saying his kids will hate him. He misses me & loves me, but alsol loves his wife. I just don't get this, b/c he was sick of her. She does not know how to have fun & he is a fun guy & very social. He said he was ready to simplify his life & wanted to be with me. He constantly expressed how miserable he was at home w/o me. This was confirmed with her when we got together, so I know it wasn't an act. He moaned & groaned all the time about it over the phone. He told me how much in love with me he was all the time. You don't risk your entire life over a good lay. He told me how jealous his wife was of me & it was obvious when we got together. WHY IS HE STAYING WITH HER? I told my H that I wanted the MM. He feels like he is 2nd choice & I don't blame him. What the **** is wrong with me, that I can't get over this? I am 38 yrs old & sexy, fun, hot, funny & I think like a guy. I am the perfect catch for him, especially b/c he is 47. What is wrong with him??? She is boring, fat, a holyroller, etc...all the things he complained about. I think she really scared him into financial things & more. I made contact with him recently & I was close to his work & he wouldn't see me b/c he said it would hurt too bad. He said he thinks about me all the time. then that chance wouldn't matter, right? It is apparent that the Holyroller as you call her, just has more morals than either of you. Boring and fat huh, so why does he want to stay with her? He would have had the same financial concerns before d-day as after, so again why does he stay? I agree he has a problem and it isn't his wife. It is his lack of respect, diginity, honor, and morals. And you speak of the chance of his children being hurt as a small thing. You believe he should put your feelings above his children, that sounds really mature. You are really a child in your mind aren't you. A great catch, huh.
Author Shellz Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Those are things he complained about all the time, as well as others. AND I still ask why would he stay with her when he continuously expressed that he couldn't wait to do everything with me & start over. I did not discount his kids as a small issue. I just think they would come around in time. This kind of thing happens all the time. I have had friends who have been through these kinds of things. THE W is the one who makes most of the money in the house & most of the decisions. MY MM is a pussy & is afraid to take a risk. WHY would I want that? Because I am totally in love with him.
Owl Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 OK...here's my take. You don't want your H anymore. OK...so you're filing for divorce this week, right? If you don't feel that way for your H anymore...then don't waste his time and yours staying with him as a backup plan. Bail now. If you want to give your marriage a chance...it'll require other actions. But from my perspective, your situation is relatively simple...if you aren't in love with your H and don't want to give the marriage a chance, then you DIVORCE. That is irrespective of MM's status...his situation has no bearing on that. If he becomes available later...then pursue the relationship. Simple enough here. Bottom line at this moment...are you willing to give your marriage a real chance, or do you want to end your marriage and divorce? Step #1 here.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Sounds to me like he decided to do right by his family and stop being selfish. Yet you are still being selfish. You are pursuing him when he no longer wants to be with you-- just stop doing that, it doesn't put you in a good light. Also you've TOLD your husband you want to be with MM? Just leave your husband then, start doing the right thing. Yes, people do the wrong thing all the time but it doesn't mean they're happy. This man made a commitment to his wife and kids. If she is so fat and boring he should do the honorable thing and get divorced and let her know he's not in love with her, he's in love with you. It is wrong of him to talk bad about his wife like that and it is wrong of you to come on here and say such mean things about another human being. But you also say he loves her and he's decided to be with her. I guess that goes to show that love and commitment are more about character and less about looks. Just get it in your head that he doesn't want to be with you and move on, I hope you get a divorce because it doesn't sound like you respect your husband at all, you are just using him. Everyone makes bad decisions, so this is just my blunt attempt to call you out since you came here for advice and to say stop doing that, start doing the right thing and start thinking about other people's feelings instead of ONLY your own and you will be much happier. Really.
lexi29 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Those are things he complained about all the time, as well as others. AND I still ask why would he stay with her when he continuously expressed that he couldn't wait to do everything with me & start over. I did not discount his kids as a small issue. I just think they would come around in time. This kind of thing happens all the time. I have had friends who have been through these kinds of things. THE W is the one who makes most of the money in the house & most of the decisions. MY MM is a pussy & is afraid to take a risk. WHY would I want that? Because I am totally in love with him. Ok I never post on this forum but my dad had an affair (and decided to go back to his wife so maybe I can offer some insight from what he told me) #1 Your MM LIED to his wife, friends etc. What makes you think he did not lie to you about all the things he told you about his wife? Most people have affairs (instead of leaving the person they are with and then dating someone) because the affair makes their life better. It adds excitment and you feel things very intensely. Your MM probably did think he loved you etc but more than likely was just infatuated with you and addicted to the excitement. My dad told me his OW actually made his life with his wife better because OW added what was missing and he was MORE content with his wife and more affectionate, attentive etc when he went home to her. Meanwhile he was telling OW how miserable he was just as your MM was doing. You were the icing on the cake and without his wife and family in the picture(they are grown kids they would get over it) you aren't as appealing. He needed you as an extra to enhance his life but just didnt' see you as enough to leave for. I've never had an affair but I've been through breakups where you are the one who is left behind and your ex partner almost seems like a drug and you are going through withdrawal symptoms. It is tough but you need to move on with your life because MM has moved on with his and there really isn't anything you can do about it.
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 This needs a translation: 1. He expressed to me in every phone conversation (which was about 10 a day) how miserable he was without me & he was crabby all the time. He prefers the fantasy with you to real life. 2. I was his perfect woman, & wondered how he could have married the person he did. You were the perfect woman for what he was doing with you. 3. He said he was trying to piss his wife off, so she would leave, b/c they talked about divorce a bunch of times seriously before. He felt his W was too dedicated to her church endeavors and he wanted to get her attention by pissing her off with you. 4. He kept saying his kids would hate him (they are teenagers). This is his out. He has to stay so the kids won't hate him more than they already do for hurting their mother. 5. He misses me & loves me, but also loves his wife. He misses the things the two of you would do behind her back, but he wants his marriage/wife more. 6. He said he was ready to simplify his life & wanted to be with me. He constantly expressed how miserable he was at home w/o me. He is miserable at home without the prop the affair gave him. Simplifying his life was only about no longer living a double life by cheating. 7. he wouldn't see me b/c he said it would hurt too bad. He said he thinks about me all the time. It would hurt his family too bad to find out that he was messing around with you again and he doesn't want to chance it. He made his choice. He wants to stay with her for whatever reasons. Cut your losses before your husband changes his mind. You have humiliated him and your family. The sooner you stop thinking about your own feelings to take a look around and see the emotional carnage around you, the better.[/i]
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Those are things he complained about all the time, as well as others. AND I still ask why would he stay with her when he continuously expressed that he couldn't wait to do everything with me & start over. Obviously he exaggerated the situation at home and it is NOT as bad as he made it seem during your affair. Anyway, he has changed his mind so you HAVE to accept that and leave the man alone. Focus on you and your marriage. Fix yourself. Fix your marriage. Your husband LOVES you yet you make him feel like second fiddle. Maybe you should think about divorcing your husband so HE can go find a woman who will love him and put him first.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I told my H that I wanted the MM. He feels like he is 2nd choice & I don't blame him. What the **** is wrong with me, that I can't get over this? I am 38 yrs old & sexy, fun, hot, funny & I think like a guy. I am the perfect catch for him, especially b/c he is 47. So, your fun and good looking, and that's it? If those are the only qualities you possess... what makes you think MM would ever be interested in you for more than fun and sex? Oh, and he can't do better cause he is 47? Do you realize that you come across as shallow & superficial? Do you understand that the way you present yourself here you don't seem to be a good person at all. Yet you wonder why this guy won't give up his wife to be with you? Let's get real. Your not anything special. There is no solid reason for him to leave his wife for you. I wouldn't, and obviously neither would he! So, what are you going to do about it? You created a bad situation... how are you going to fix it?
Screwedover Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Hon, it's totally common for waywards to dump on their spouses. Too fat, too boring, naggy, bad parents, whatever. Come D-Day, the bubble bursts and they realize WHO they want to come home to night after night. WHO they truly love. Boring, fat, naggy and all. You were his fantasy. You didn't have to pay bills together, manage kids and their issues, load the dishwasher, fix the clogged drain, etc. You were his escape. Now that the truth is out, the relationship has burst like a soap bubble. It wasn't love. It was juvenile fantasy and fun. He didn't love you. He loved how he looked as reflected in your eyes. Above all else, he loved himself and helped himself - most selfishly - to what he wanted. Until someone gave him an ultimatum. He didn't choose you. It's over. Move on. Above all else, quit calling him. He isn't interested in you and you are just prolonging your grief. Take care of yourself. Focus on yourself and why you crave this unhealthy relationship.
Author Shellz Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 That was an extremely nasty message. You must be very bitter!! Of course I have more to offer. I was just stating the obvious things that he made comparisons to. He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before. Not even when they first started dating. Now you all have to keep in mind that I have known him for 12 yrs very closely. It's not like I met him in a bar one night. I KNOW him & his history. He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy. You are all bashing me pretty badly. What makes you think that he isn't thinking the same things I am, but just not posting it??? B/c his wife is watching every move he makes closely. What makes you think that he wasn't an escape for me? And then deep feelings developed on both sides. I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me. He said he couldn't get anything done b/c all he could think about was me. I do believe him, b/c I had the details from his W!! WHY am I the bad guy & hot him?? Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me? He told me a few days ago that he thinks about me all the time. Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. It is so easy for you to judge, but if you haven't been in a similar situation, you really can't. I am extremely frustrated by these posts!
NoIDidn't Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I am extremely frustrated by these posts! What exactly were you expecting? You told a story and others posted what they felt about it. He is staying with his W. You now say you are staying married to your H. Then why do you care about his reasons for staying? Apparently your feelings for him aren't strong enough for you to leave your marriage either! I don't doubt that he complained about his W alot. But that has nothing to do with the price of corn in China. You are both staying married. What, you want to restart the A? What will that accomplish?
nadiaj2727 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 That was an extremely nasty message. You must be very bitter!! ... I am extremely frustrated by these posts! Oh bitter, of course! I don't even know who the "bitter" comment was aimed at but I love how whenever almost EVERYONE says something against what someone wants to hear, then suddenly they are either bitter (if they have been betrayed) or hypocritical (if they used to be an OW, like myself). Maybe they are just speaking the truth, either that they always knew to follow or that they learned to follow. So perhaps you should try to look at this situation objectively. I'm sorry the truth hurts but honey it's time to make a change. We all see you based on your own words-- as someone who enabled a cheater to lie to his wife and who fell for all his justifications of doing that and using you in the process. Now you got dumped and you are still trying to hang onto him even when he's made it clear to you that his wife is his choice. And his marriage has been his priority all along, you just didn't choose to see it that way. Look, I am just trying to get you to see that it is time to make a big change. Maybe you are not capable of seeing that. If so, then why come here if you don't like the advice most people are giving you? If you have it so figured out then go back to contacting him and getting no response. If you REALLY want help and a way out of this then make a change. Stop justifying your actions and his and stop calling other people fat, boring, bitter, judgmental, whatever. Look WITHIN yourself and make a change if you really want out. If not, what's the point, just keep on keeping on, don't let us get in the way!
GPFan Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 But if his feelings were as strong as mine, then that chance wouldn't matter, right? If your feelings are as strong as you claim, you would be divorcing your Husband now. You need to take the lead since you profess to want this so very much. Demanding he divorce without your having done the same doesn't leave him with much of a choice now, does it? The answer is simple: Divorce your Husband
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Apparently, neither of you had the guts to leave your spouses before you did the the horizontal mambo and neither of you have the guts to leave now when you are soooo miserable and in loooovee with the other. Great role models for kids.
Screwedover Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 He also said I was sweet, caring, loving & made him feel like he never felt before. Because you don't share kids, responsibilities, a house, garbage to take out, inlaws to bicker over, taxes to pay, etc. You have nothing between you but lust and fun. Of course it makes him feel like never before... You probably know this from your own marriage -- the drudgery of daily life can get in the way big time. He complained about his W all the time to my H when they worked together. My H used to tell me all the time. He was content, but not happy. So you want to marry this guy and you think that once the drudgery of daily life kicks in, he won't be complaining about you at the office water cooler, and eventually to his new OW? Step out of the fantasy. If he is capable of cheating on his wife, he is most definitely capable of cheating on you. I know he was crabby all the time, b/c his wife told me! She said he wasn't doing anything around the house which co-incided with what he told me. He was crabby and unhelpful around the house because he was distant from her and distracted by his addiction - which was you. I'm trying to be gentle here, but his addiction was probably not as personal as you'd like to think it was. He was addicted to how you made him feel. It could have been any other woman who stroked his ego and gave him sex. Or it could have been vodka. Or crack. He was crabby around home because he needed his "fix." My husband was like that too. On D-day, I busted him and offered him his wife and family, or a walk down to the courthouse - immediately - to file. Then he had to agree to a whole ton of work to do on himself, which he is still doing. When the fog cleared, he was so grateful to have this second chance and no longer is he the distant, lazy, uncaring person he used to be, in our relationship and in our home. He describes it as a near-death experience, and having a new chance at life. Your MM may well be going through the same thing. PLEASE - leave him alone. He has made his choice and if you honestly care about this man you will quit contacting him. WHY am I the bad guy & not him?? No one said you are the bad guy. Nor is he. You are both just messed up. But your continued contact of him -- when he has chosen to work on his marriage and not stay with you -- is not making you look like a super upstanding citizen, hon. Who is to say that he isn't settling for security in his marriage, but is still thinking about me? Who really cares? He is not choosing you, so this is not an issue you need to care about. You need to let go and stop contacting him. He can't let go of his addiction - nor can you let go of yours - until you go cold turkey. Security is a big issue, it is part of why I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband, but not like that. We have a nearly 6 yr. old who is spectacular & super smart. So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. You really need help. Are you in counseling? You can't get back these feelings for your husband until you completely stop contacting your MM and focus on YOUR family. I'd bet my house that you are an addict. You are not "in love" with this MM. You are in love with the way he makes you feel about yourself. My guess is that you may come from a family where alcoholism or other addictions are present. Is that true? You really should talk to a therapist. They will not judge you and trust me, they have seen and heard EVERYTHING. You will not be the first OW to walk in and share her story, and not the last. You will not be the first person with addiction issues to share her story, nor the last. At least go talk to someone. It could do you a world of good. Best of luck.
LadyDi Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I know NC is brutal, but you can't move on by still keeping in contact with him. I know it hurts and you don't understand how he could do it, but he DID do it. And I'm sure he really is still thinking of you and missing you, that's why you need to respect his NC. He can't get over you either until you stop calling. And I know what your thinking! You don't want him to get over you, but at some point you're going to have to say "Uncle"! He did make his choice, and it wasn't you. Take it for what it's worth and move on. Take care of yourself now, keep busy, do some things you've always wanted to try but were too wrapped up in the A. Now's the time! Try and keep him out of your head...hard to do, but you have to try for your own sanity. Good Luck!
pelicanpreacher Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 So, you have a spouse tucked away who's been demoted from "Loving Husband" to "Caregiver, Financial Support Specialist, and Cuckold"! The question that begs is why he would continue to invest his time, energy, and agency into a marriage while being subjected to the conditions you've proposed?! I wouldn't put much stock into his current reaction to stay with you now that he knows about the affair. I don't know whether he's a good guy or bad guy but, in all likelihood, since he knows about your affair and your current feelings toward him it's my bet, once he's cleared his head of the fog of pain and confusion accompanied with this revelation, he will slowly but surely adjust to assume your absent feelings for the marriage to rebell against the new assignment(s) you've relegated him to and move on by his lonesome. Just give him time! Sooner or later he'll come to realize that he can do bad all by himself and he doesn't need your help on that front! You needn't worry about him though because there's a "Clean-up Woman" out in the wings ready to take your place! Here's the song if you don't know it....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S34K4e4FZI
Screwedover Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 So I am trying as hard as I can to try & hopefully get those feelings back for my H. BUT, in the meantime I am totally lost w/o my lover & am miserable. And here is a thought about this comment. If you are totally lost and miserable (because of your addiction, IMO), don't you think that you are also coming off as crabby, uninvolved, distant, etc. -- not only to your husband but to your "spectacular" 6 year-old? Don't you see that you are probably behaving in the exact same way, under your own family's roof? Do you realize that affairs -- and the related distant / crabby / restless behavior within a marriage -- also affect children? If you aren't focusing on your marriage and your family, and you don't think your child remains unaffected, you are living in a state of denial. And it's a complete joke for you to say that you are trying to get those feelings of love (etc.) back with your husband when you keep going back "fishing" with your ex MM.
melbar68 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Shellz, i am also the OW and can understand how you feel, first dont listen to Bentnotbroken she/he has been hurt it is so obvious and thats cool it happens. You are in love with him and thats why its so difficult to get over him i know i'm there i can't leave my MM because i am in love and feel that he is also in love with me. Like you eventhough i am older than his wife by six years i look younger, sexier, prettier, much thinner and have much more education and potential than his wife yet he stays with this woman who he claims is over weight, sloppy, dirty, messy, uneducated with a job that will lead no where, why he claimes because of retirement and financial reasons that he will suffer should he divorce, i can understand i was divorced many years ago and went through things that were life changing but here i am 15 years later better and stronger than ever. it's difficult but if you are already broken up try really hard to stay away or you will just end up hurt and that feeling can affect anyone for a long time. try to stay away eventhough its easier said than done however i dont know what i would do as i said i am in love with my MM and we ar still together after a year and things have not gotten better only my feelings have gotten stronger and it sucks big time. Good luck pray everyday and i hope that one day you will be happy as we all want to be happy
Screwedover Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Sometimes people who have been hurt, have been in therapy and have studied this issue extensively / are on the road to recovery have really great perspective. And are realistic about what's going on. I just urge any of you OW who are waiting in the wings to focus on actions vs. words. If your MM truly loves you and is committed to you, wild horses won't keep him from leaving his fat slobby wife, his beautiful trophy wife, his wild teenage kids, his 17-year-old beauty queen honors student, his 7-year-old, his newborn, etc. NOTHING will keep him away from true love. Not all the money in the world. Remember: Actions. Not words. True actions of commitment. Not sneaking around like a coward, hiding the relationship and giving you sloppy seconds, with drivel about how awful, fat, boring and holy-rollering the wife is. 99 percent of the time he is feeding you lines and cake-eating. Don't fall for it. 99 percent of the time they are getting sex at home AND with you, even if they claim the marriage bed is drier than the Sahara. That is almost universally a lie. These people follow a script, almost to a "T" -- almost 99 percent of the time. You all deserve better. Really, you do. If your MM leaves his wife for you, then fine. I hope it works out and that he doesn't eventually ditch you for another OW. If he's enjoying the comfort of home, enjoying the comfort of a feeder-and-breeder wife, enjoying financial security related to marriage, and double-dipping his wick (and most of the time he is, even if he tells you otherwise), then think again. Actions.
melbar68 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Screwdover is right about some of the things she says its true that nothing will keep him from being with you or in my case my married man from being with me, however in my case i have come to the realization that he is married and i just enjoy him when we can enjoy eachother and although i am in love with him and wish nothing more than to be with him all the time i also do not want to wash his clothes, cook his dinners or raise his kids i enjoy having children who are grown and i can come and go when ever i want with who ever i want to. in your case i dont know if you want to do all those things for him maybe you do and if you do then that is something you will have to work out with your MM, however if he doesnt want to continue the A then this will be difficult. both of you have to want to continue the A. Well do what you want to do as long as you know what you ar doing i can tell you that it hurts alot to know that the man you are in love with goes home to his wife and its even gross when you know how awful she looks and how sloppy she is i know i think everyday what the hell does he see in her but i also know that one day i will find the right man for me even if it takes another ten years im only 40 so im still young
Screwedover Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Melbar says: however in my case i have come to the realization that he is married and i just enjoy him when we can enjoy eachother and although i am in love with him and wish nothing more than to be with him all the time i also do not want to wash his clothes, cook his dinners or raise his kids Whoa! Hasn't anyone told you that the 1950s are over?! LOL. This is messed up. I don't think any woman should have to do all the scut work without a man's help. That is just unhealthy. In a healthy and loving marriage, a man and a woman are a partnership that can -- and should -- share these responsibilities. Frankly I think that's part of the reason why some men cheat. Their wives expect them to help, and poor widdo daddy / hubby doesn't want to grow up and be a man of today because that's not how he was raised. His mommy cleaned his room, did his laundry, and spoonfed him while daddy sat in the Barcalounger with a beer. His daddy didn't have to help his mommy with laundry and kids meals. Why should his life be so different, with a demanding wench who wants to be an equal parnter? <folds arm, stomps foot> Hrmph! I wouldn't settle for a man I can only see in bits and pieces. A man who can only see me on his time, who I can't share Christmas mornings with or birthdays or anniversaries. Nor would I settle for a man who expects me to raise the kids and do all the laundry / meal prep / etc. Then again, maybe I should shut my trap because I have settled for a man who is capable of cheating on me.
Owl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I reiterate my previous advice: OK...here's my take. You don't want your H anymore. OK...so you're filing for divorce this week, right? If you don't feel that way for your H anymore...then don't waste his time and yours staying with him as a backup plan. Bail now. If you want to give your marriage a chance...it'll require other actions. But from my perspective, your situation is relatively simple...if you aren't in love with your H and don't want to give the marriage a chance, then you DIVORCE. That is irrespective of MM's status...his situation has no bearing on that. If he becomes available later...then pursue the relationship. Simple enough here. Bottom line at this moment...are you willing to give your marriage a real chance, or do you want to end your marriage and divorce? Step #1 here.
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