Magick Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Hi..So I'm new here, and I wanted to get some good, impartial advise. When I was younger, I had wickedly awful taste in men. After three years in complete Hell, I got out, with my daughter. I spent another year single, just trying to get my head around everything that had happened. Then he came into the picture- we were friends first, and he was wonderful. Falling in love was like water to someone who had been emotionally lost in a wasteland, for both of us. My daughter loved him, and he loved her, and it seemed like things were finally starting to turn around for all of us. I can tell you, I was walking on cloud nine for a while! But, like any couple, we eventually got into a fight. A big one, and I asked for him to give me a few days to think about what was happening. Well, three days later I found out he was seeing someone else. I was, for lack of better description, crushed. When that didn't work out, we ended up back together. But it wasn't the same, and the doubts that it might happen again never really left me. And all the things that I thought I had moved passed, with the former abuse, turned out to still be clinging to me. I pushed him away. He pushed back, and things went very steadily downhill. He stopped showing up when he said he would, and we eventually ended up as little more then friends. We loved each other, but there was too much animosity poisoning everything. Eventually I told him that we would be better of just being friends, allowing us to have a bit of space. He agreed, and for all I knew, it was really very amicable. Yeah. He left that evening and I didn't hear from him again for weeks. When I finally called, I found out that he'd been spending every minute with a girl he had met. He brushed us out of his life, and my life-support belief that eventually we'd be able to move passed all the bad stuff and be together (as friends at least) was crushed. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend in one moment. Now I don't know what to do, and it feels like I'm coming apart at the seams. Everytime I try to talk to him, he's fine until he actually has to invest anything in the conversation. I just want a little closure, to understand why he just left like that. No word, nothing. Yet he dashes off, and it leaves me feeling a little worse everytime. Like kicking a bees nest and standing beside it. It's been two months now, and I don't know what to do. I miss him. My daughter is confused. How did he move on so fast? And how do I get my life back?
lorilynne Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 First of all, you poor thing. I know it's hard to accept right now (I'm working on accepting that myself) but he probably was always seeing that other woman. Otherwise he wouldn't have started seeing her so soon after your break-up. Mine did the same (only he denied it!). It sounds like you and your daughter were not that important to him. It is sad but you really don't need to hear him say that. I know you want closure but do you really want to him say those words. He's showing you by moving on so quickly. Believe what he's showing you and just make a deeper connection with your daughter. I hope you start NC with him. I know how you feel about feeling worse every time you talk to him or see him. I'm trying to remember that I felt that way myself so that if he ever calls again, I can ignore him. You just gotta remember that talking to him isn't going to mean hearing that he loves you and wants you back. Even if it did would you want to be with someone who could so quickly move on? You can get through this...we all can!
justine4 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 How long where you actually together as a couple? I don't agree with the post directly above (sorry lorilynne!) and I think you'd have to know Magick and her ex personally to be able to say he was already seeing the other woman, and that the OP and her daughter where not important to him. You just have to read the numerous posts on here (both by dumpers & dumpees) to know lots of people have 'rebound' relationships. Its a distraction and presumably flatters the ego that someone else wants to be with you. Personally, even 2 months down the line here for me, I couldn't contemplate looking at anyone else, I don't believe you can truly go from loving someone and then within a couple of weeks, move on. But, everyone is different, and handle situations differently also. You're going to be fragile right now and thats completely natural and understandable. However, I wouldn't keep trying to contact him though. It sounds like you're banging your head against a brick wall. You stand in danger of coming across as needy and desperate and that isn't an endearing quality and won't draw him back to you. The general consensus is to go completely NC. I'm doing it as I know there isn't anyone else involved and he has some major issues in his life at present and believe making contact with him will only add to his pressure and end any chance we have of getting back together. It takes a lot of patience and is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do (I'm not the most patient of people and if I could wave a magic wand and save going through this I would!) They say if you love someone, let them go. If its meant to be, they'll come back. Its a hard one to call. Of course, you run the risk that they won't, however, whats the alternative? You'll get through this, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. But you've come through having your heart broken before. Give it time. I hope that he'll come to realise how much you mean to him and BEG to take him back (but only if this is what you want). Please continue posting on here. You really will get a lot of support from everyone. Just beware of rash statements made by people who don't know you personally. You have to know people personally to know some things.
lovegilrfriend Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 How long where you actually together as a couple? I don't agree with the post directly above (sorry lorilynne!) and I think you'd have to know Magick and her ex personally to be able to say he was already seeing the other woman, and that the OP and her daughter where not important to him. You just have to read the numerous posts on here (both by dumpers & dumpees) to know lots of people have 'rebound' relationships. Its a distraction and presumably flatters the ego that someone else wants to be with you. Personally, even 2 months down the line here for me, I couldn't contemplate looking at anyone else, I don't believe you can truly go from loving someone and then within a couple of weeks, move on. But, everyone is different, and handle situations differently also. You're going to be fragile right now and thats completely natural and understandable. However, I wouldn't keep trying to contact him though. It sounds like you're banging your head against a brick wall. You stand in danger of coming across as needy and desperate and that isn't an endearing quality and won't draw him back to you. The general consensus is to go completely NC. I'm doing it as I know there isn't anyone else involved and he has some major issues in his life at present and believe making contact with him will only add to his pressure and end any chance we have of getting back together. It takes a lot of patience and is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do (I'm not the most patient of people and if I could wave a magic wand and save going through this I would!) They say if you love someone, let them go. If its meant to be, they'll come back. Its a hard one to call. Of course, you run the risk that they won't, however, whats the alternative? You'll get through this, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. But you've come through having your heart broken before. Give it time. I hope that he'll come to realise how much you mean to him and BEG to take him back (but only if this is what you want). Please continue posting on here. You really will get a lot of support from everyone. Just beware of rash statements made by people who don't know you personally. You have to know people personally to know some things. Yes, I agree with.
Author Magick Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Hey, thanks so much for the kind words and good advise. I should say that, I did at one point think he must have been with her before, but now I really dont think so. No to make excuses, but it's not in his nature to cheat. One thing less to worry about I guess! Last night I send him a nice note, saying that I hope his new job goes well, ect ect, but that I was tired of having him stir up my feelings and then leave. That I didn't blame him, but it was tearing my life apart, and even if my life is in pieces (it never rains it pours with trouble) Well, they are my pieces, and they are all I have. Then I went and watched Independance Day with a good friend of mine. Because sometimes it's nice to know that a breakup isnt the end of the world- but marauding aliens just might be =) Before I went to bed, I checked my messages, and lo and behold, he'd actually written me back. I think it was the first time that he'd ever really apologized- no excuses, no evasions. Just said that he hadn't meant to cause so much damage, and that it was all well meant. He apologized for being a jerk, and said that even though I had no reason to believe him, it was true. I wrote back with "i believe you" At this point he doesn't deserve more then that, but I don't want to hurt him or fall back into old negative patterns. If nothing else, we live in a very small town, so avoidance is pretty impossible without becoming a hermit. But today is a better day, and hopefully tomorrow will be better still. Thanks again =)
lorilynne Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 You know, I think when we reply to people's threads we bring in a little of our situations with us. Justine4 you're probably right about this guy not having someone else on the side...I think I was dragging the cr*p I'm dealing with into your situation Magick & I'm sorry if my advice came across jaded! Magick you sound like an understanding woman & I can be, too. Your ex is not my ex so you know your situation better than I. Ending a relationship on good terms is always healthier than on bad (I'm wrestling that demon now...check out my thread)! That being said...you are doing the right thing & it's great to see you still have your sense of humor...the alien bit was pretty funny! I planned a game night this Saturday with friends...I'm dragging my feet to get ready for it but I know it will do me some good to be around people that care about me like your trip to the movies! Best of luck & keep us posted!
justine4 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 You know, I think when we reply to people's threads we bring in a little of our situations with us. Justine4 you're probably right about this guy not having someone else on the side...I think I was dragging the cr*p I'm dealing with into your situation Magick & I'm sorry if my advice came across jaded! Magick you sound like an understanding woman & I can be, too. Your ex is not my ex so you know your situation better than I. Ending a relationship on good terms is always healthier than on bad (I'm wrestling that demon now...check out my thread)! That being said...you are doing the right thing & it's great to see you still have your sense of humor...the alien bit was pretty funny! I planned a game night this Saturday with friends...I'm dragging my feet to get ready for it but I know it will do me some good to be around people that care about me like your trip to the movies! Best of luck & keep us posted! Lorilynne, I've read your own thread and it clicked why you'd suggested another woman being involved in respect of Magick's case. You are right about people bringing bits of their own situations when they comment on other peoples situations. Thats the point I was trying to make. In my situation I know there isn't anyone else involved and thats why I had a different take on Magicks position. I also want to say - welcome to LS Magick and Lorrylynne. You'll find LS a great help.
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