highland123 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I sometimes have a hard time explaining what to say so here it goes, I have been trying for the past 6 years to get my wife to try new things to keep our sex life strong. Nothing is working or I get "that's stupid". I try to have sex before we get up on the weekends but all's I get from her is "my mouth is not clean". She will say she loves me at home and calls me everyday from her work to say Hi and that she loves me, but I just don't understand or what I should do. My wife has had 10 past lovers before we got togetter and some of the things that she has told me she has done in the past just makes it harder to understand why she has not done that with me. What is wrong?
carhill Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 She doesn't find you attractive. Well, that's my hypothesis about my situation, anyway. My answer to the mouth issue would be to point to the bathroom and make a brushing motion, then point to my d!ck and nod my head
porter218 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I sometimes have a hard time explaining what to say so here it goes, I have been trying for the past 6 years to get my wife to try new things to keep our sex life strong. Nothing is working or I get "that's stupid". I try to have sex before we get up on the weekends but all's I get from her is "my mouth is not clean". She will say she loves me at home and calls me everyday from her work to say Hi and that she loves me, but I just don't understand or what I should do. My wife has had 10 past lovers before we got togetter and some of the things that she has told me she has done in the past just makes it harder to understand why she has not done that with me. What is wrong? Love and sex are to very different and almost equally important parts of a marriage. Just because she says she still loves you alot does not mean that she still is really into sex..obviously. You need to explain to her that it is VERY important that she reinvests her self into your sex life. It sounds like she doesn't think she still needs to make an effort in the bedroom but that is very far from the truth. just let her know how much this is upseting you.
Author highland123 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 I have talk alot about it but it doesn't seem to help much may a time or two but it always goes back to the same old thing.
Lucky_One Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Her mouth comment might be a sideways effort on her part to tell you that your breath stinks. She might be not turned on by you bc of your hygiene, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you, esp if it is something you can't change (like the smell of your pubic area or the taste of your cum).
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Come right out and ask if she is still sexually attracted to you. I agree with carhill, there's a good chance the sex part of what she feels for you isn't there. Now, that doesn't mean it won't come back - Who knows if there's a medical reason why she's feeling disconnected that way, or maybe she's holding in resentment towards you. Emotions and sexual urges are connected.. Anyway, I think you really need to tell her how it makes you feel that she's rejecting you.
Enema Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 When she was young and had multiple partners she was probably insecure and trying different things to please or impress the guys because she wanted to feel special. Now she's older, more secure in herself and her marriage and is settling into her real sexual personality - vanilla.
carhill Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Hypothesis: Girl uses sex to get men to like her. Girl marries man. He likes her. Sex not necessary anymore
Author highland123 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Thanks everyone for the input, but I have tryed all of what you talk about. No real answer, maybe it's time to pack the bags and head for higher ground. I do love her very much but I can't go on begging for sex. I need to set down and do some hard thinking. Thanks again.
TechDude Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I have been trying for the past 6 years to get my wife to try new things to keep our sex life strong. New positions or techniques are not going to do anything for your wife. For women, sex is a much more emotional thing. but all's I get from her is "my mouth is not clean". Your breath stinks ... do something about it. Hygiene is important to women. She will say she loves me at home and calls me everyday from her work to say Hi and that she loves me, She probably does love you. but I just don't understand or what I should do. Forget about sex for a moment (I know, it is hard, especially when you don't get any). Start focussing on what makes your wife feel loved and special. Don't try and think about what makes her feel sexy or feel like sex. Romance her. Plan a special day or evening for her. Don't expect sex or put pressure on her. Let me suggest a good book to help you understand how your wife thinks. It is called "Sheet Music" by Kevin Lehman. Here is chapter 1: http://www.tyndalebooksellers.com/firstchapter/pdfs/0-8423-6024-7.pdf You'll have to buy it to get the rest. I am currently reading the book and your post sounds so much like some of the classic male attitudes he talks about in the book.
Lucky_One Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Am curious. Why in the world would her having 10 past lovers matter? Is this something that *you* think about, and does it come through in your dealings with her? I mentioned your personal hygiene. I noticed that you didn't address that. Does that mean that you are convinced that you smell and taste great? Men smell and taste differently, and there have been men that smelled rank down there and I would avoid putting my head down there as much as possible. Are you a good kisser? Have old GFs told you that you kiss great, or are you one that is too wet and too forceful and thinks that duelling tongues is the next new exercise craze? Is your sex life different now than it was when you first met? You haven't said how long you have been having sex with her or how long you have been married.
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 No real answer, maybe it's time to pack the bags and head for higher ground. Don't just up and leave, TELL her that if she doesn't start making an effort then the marriage IS going to get worse and end up in divorce. Ask her to go to her family Dr and get a check up, a full round of blood work done. Maybe it's a medical reason, maybe she is depressed, maybe you two need marriage counselling, I don't know..BUT, shake things up abit by letting her know exactly what you've said here. To just pack the bags and leave isn't the way to handle it.
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Hypothesis: Girl uses sex to get men to like her. Girl marries man. He likes her. Sex not necessary anymore If your a man, and you like sex? Marriage probally isn't for you! The single greatest form of birth control even conceived is a wedding cake!
Author highland123 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Yes her past bugs me. I try to let it go and I do good at it untill I have another bad dream about her past then it starts all over again. We were married 23 years ago for 1 year got devorced and then some how got back togetter 11 years ago. Her past didn't bug me back then but bugs me all the time now, why? We had a big fight last night about the lack of sex. We are going to set down tonight and try and work it out. Wish us luck.
Author highland123 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 I forgot to say that the wife and I get along great and we have fun togetter, but when it comes to sex well it's all down hill and we fight a lot about it. But last month we went out of town for the weekend and the sex was great I didn't even need to ask her for it. If money wasn't a problem for us we should take a trip every month.
welchs08 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 It might sound crazy but I don't think you should sit your wife down and discuss with her about your disapointing sex life-that will put a lot of pressure on her and make her feel inadequate. First, I think that you should totally go out of your own comfort zone in order to make things happen. You obviously can't sit back and wait for her to make a move because the flame has dwindled and you need to light a fire under her ass(not literally though). In casual conversation try to figure out a fantasy of hers-not sexual but romantic like something that would really brighten her day and make her feel like the complete object of your affection and like when you first were together. Even if it is just a gorgeous bouquet of roses or buying/making her something that reminds you of when you first met. This will make her feel special and remember how things were. I think you are expecting too much from her-it may be unrealistic to hope that all of a sudden your wife will be a sexual deviant. It will probably take small steps and just do little things to let her know that you thought of her while you were at work ... it's a cliche but actions speak way louder than words.
welchs08 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 It might sound crazy but I don't think you should sit your wife down and discuss with her about your disapointing sex life-that will put a lot of pressure on her and make her feel inadequate. First, I think that you should totally go out of your own comfort zone in order to make things happen. You obviously can't sit back and wait for her to make a move because the flame has dwindled and you need to light a fire under her ass(not literally though). In casual conversation try to figure out a fantasy of hers-not sexual but romantic like something that would really brighten her day and make her feel like the complete object of your affection and like when you first were together. Even if it is just a gorgeous bouquet of roses or buying/making her something that reminds you of when you first met. This will make her feel special and remember how things were. I think you are expecting too much from her-it may be unrealistic to hope that all of a sudden your wife will be a sexual deviant. It will probably take small steps and just do little things to let her know that you thought of her while you were at work ... it's a cliche but actions speak way louder than words.
TechDude Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 But last month we went out of town for the weekend and the sex was great I didn't even need to ask her for it. Terrific ... there is hope. Talk about why this was different. If you didn't need to ask for sex, then it sounds like you were doing something to make her feel loved, appreciated and valued. Find out what it was. It may be that once you find out, you don't really need to go away for her to feel the same way. This suggests to me even more so that you need to read the book I mentioned above to help you understand her. If money wasn't a problem for us we should take a trip every month.Yeah, you and me both!?!?!?! BUT .... you SHOULD do something special (albeit less expensive) on a regular basis.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 ....but I just don't understand or what I should do. My wife has had 10 past lovers before we got togetter and some of the things that she has told me she has done in the past just makes it harder to understand why she has not done that with me. Well, I know for myself that when I am in a relationship with a man I really care about, bringing out the inner vixen is harder because I don't want him to think bad of me. If my boyfriends suggests something kinky he wants to do, then I know he is open to doing something with me and I feel more comfortable doing it. But I don't really start those type of things out of fear of what he would think.
Quiet Requiem Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Oh buddy! O wow! I am going thru the same thing. Wife has kinky sexual past, but is a prude to you. Hold that over her head every moment you get! You are her husband, she should be as sexual, or even more sexual with you! She chose you as her life partner that means she should offer you the same kind of sex life she would offer to some random boyfriend in her past. This is totally wrong. Ignore everyone here that says things like, that is her past get over it. They don't understand the agony you are going thru. My wife and I are getting a divorce because of this kind of sh*t and all the other crap she puts me thru.
Mustang Sally Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 When she was young and had multiple partners she was probably insecure and trying different things to please or impress the guys because she wanted to feel special. Now she's older, more secure in herself and her marriage and is settling into her real sexual personality - vanilla. Hmmm. Maybe. At the very least, a worthy perspective. Or maybe she liked the variety of something new on a not-so-infrequent basis before she married? Maybe she needs more spice than the old "hum drum" of married life to light her libido-fire? Just sayin.
trust Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 It might sound crazy but I don't think you should sit your wife down and discuss with her about your disapointing sex life-that will put a lot of pressure on her and make her feel inadequate. First, I think that you should totally go out of your own comfort zone in order to make things happen. You obviously can't sit back and wait for her to make a move because the flame has dwindled and you need to light a fire under her ass(not literally though). In casual conversation try to figure out a fantasy of hers-not sexual but romantic like something that would really brighten her day and make her feel like the complete object of your affection and like when you first were together. Even if it is just a gorgeous bouquet of roses or buying/making her something that reminds you of when you first met. This will make her feel special and remember how things were. I think you are expecting too much from her-it may be unrealistic to hope that all of a sudden your wife will be a sexual deviant. It will probably take small steps and just do little things to let her know that you thought of her while you were at work ... it's a cliche but actions speak way louder than words. Wow... I was going to say the same thing. You may find that your biggest challenge will be to find out how she's *feeling*. It may be to your benefit to get a gauge on how much resentment has been built up. Women find it hard to be sexual with a man when they are disconnecting with him emotionally. I've found that at the bottom of every failed relationship is, most often, one culprit - D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Her feelings may have changed for you, but the better you get at figuring that stuff out and putting a plan into action, the better success you will have in achieving harmony. *Figure out why she's feeling the way she's feeling.* This is easier said than done. If she's not the best communicator (not to mention your skills or the lack thereof- being fueled by sexual frustration) then the burden may be on you to do more digging, and it sounds like you are off to a good start by digging here. I'm not trying to make this sound like it's *your* problem, it is a *shared* problem. You'll find that taking a proactive approach will work much better than a reactive one (looking to place blame..or talking about your dislike of the situation...she may *feel* attacked...). Do you have any qualms about getting a book?
AnLandy Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I forgot to say that the wife and I get along great and we have fun togetter, but when it comes to sex well it's all down hill and we fight a lot about it. But last month we went out of town for the weekend and the sex was great I didn't even need to ask her for it. If money wasn't a problem for us we should take a trip every month. I'm going to offer a female perspective on why "getaway sex", "vacation sex", and "date night sex" tend to be bigger priorities for us than "just-another-part-of-my-weekly-routine-and-obligations-sex". 1) We are much more willing to get freaky, creative, and unihibitted on sheets that we know we will not have to wash later. Hotel sex is good for that. 2) All women like romance. All women like to feel that that they are the center of your world, at least for a little while. When the two of you are out of town, your wife has fewer day-to-day obligations to cope with, as do you. You can focus more on each other. When women feel emotionally connected, they feel horny. 3) Women do an average of 13 hours more domestic labor a week than men do. We sleep an average of 8 hours less a week. Most of my girlfriends who are married and have kids are so exhausted that they can barely stay awake long enough at night to do the things they HAVE to do, like make dinner, fold laundry, walk dogs, bathe children, run erands, etc... Physical and emotional exhaustion is not good for your sex drive. 4) There could be a medical reason for your wife's lack of interest. I struggled with this issue with my ex, who suffered from ongoing ED. Our situation was reversed. The woman wanted more sex than the man!!!! I eventually pursuaded him to get his hormone levels checked. He started using testosterone gel, and the erection returned. However, he still had a diminished interest in sex. I always had to initiate, and he frequently wasn't all that into it, but we were having sex twice a week on a fairly consistent basis. 5) Morning sex is not always good for women. Our hormone levels are lower when we wake up. Also, our bladders are frequently full, our mouths feel disgusting, our hair may be a knotted mess, and our eyes are dry and crusty. Feeling romantic when you are physically uncomfortable is not easy. Feeling sexual is even harder. (And yes, our partners' bad morning breath is also a turn-off.) 6) If you can't afford monthly getaways, then how about planning a monthly "date night" for your wife? Take the pressure off of her and find a new romantic restaurant every month. Let her eat a meal that she does not have to prepare. Give her an evening that she doesn't have to plan. Talk to her about herself. Ask her questions about her goals, ambitions, and dreams. Relate to her like you are dating. 7) Do you ever touch your wife in a sensual way that does not lead to sex? When was the last time the two of you had a really good make-out session that didn't advance towards sex? Do you ever give her a massage? Do you ever take a bubble bath or a shower with her and just touch her all over for the shear joy of admiring her, not trying to "get her in the mood"? 8) Have you ever asked you wife if the sex is "great" from her perspective? You might want to try this sometime. The answer could be pretty shocking. Having an orgasm is not what makes sex great for most women. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the orgasm, and I am a big fan. However, the best sex that I ever had with my ex didn't involve me having one. It was passionate, romantic, and intimate. When I got the passionate kind of sex on occassion (we're talking AT LEAST 15 minutes of foreplay), he got quicky, intense, kinky sex on occassion. It's all about balance. 9) Have you talked to your wife about seeing a couple's therapist? 10) Have you talked to your wife about consulting with a sex therapist?
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