Roto25 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 *I know its long, I left out a lot as well. If you need more info just ask. Thank you ahead of time! Background info Me: I’ve always been the person that was dumped in the relationship. I would hang on until the very end, I wouldn’t stand up for myself and ask for what I deserve and would usually settle for less. Her: She has abuse issues from her past, very low self-esteem and self-confidence but she is very attractive. We married in 2004, I was in good shape. I began going to school/working a lot more and gained a lot of weight. I became very depressed and distant from my wife (filed for divorce) but I shrugged off the depression. I began to not want to go out etc..would resist having sex with her because I felt terrible. She would ask me what is wrong and I said the stress from school and work etc..she said that she understood and was there for me. Early this year she began acting strange (not saying “I love you” when I did, easily angry/annoyed). One day I called her after work and she was crying/balling hard, telling me she couldn’t come home etc..she didn’t for 2 days. When she did come back she informed me she would be moving out, she didn’t want a divorce at the time but needed space to think. Basically, my depression was affecting her much more than I ever knew. I had no idea that the potential consequences were as bad as they were, she never gave me an indicator. She would leave me cards saying that she knows we are going through a rough time but she wouldn’t want to go through it with anyone else etc.. I immediately wanted us to go through counseling etc..she didn’t want to go together. She said we had to work on ourselves first and then come together. So I began my plan, I started working out, went to multiple (dozen or more ) counseling sessions. Really started to get my **** together..she did nothing. The other guy: We still had the same cell phone and I noticed a phone number appearing a lot (at odd times of the night too). Turns out it’s a guy from work. I ask her about him, she says he is a “friend”. I pry a little more, still nothing. Finally one night after we went out he shows up (but drives right by) at her house while we are standing in the driveway. She freaks out, telling me she has had a great time withme and has things to take care of with him. To me she is going to let him know we have (her and I) things to work out. A few days go by, still his # pops up on the bill. I call him, he tells me they have been together for a few months. What the hell!? The breakup 1 I rush to her house, she is home thankfully! She opens the door, and ask her what the hell the deal is. We talk for over a half hour, me basically telling her the grass isn’t greener on the other side etc..she isn’t ready for a relationship because she has one to fix right in front of her (she even told me she wanted to be with me!). I leave her house basically telling her good luck. Back together #1 A few weeks go by with no contact and then I see her at our gym (where I had before but ignored her). She or I needed something from one another and we walked outside. She asked how I was doing etc..we begin to talk and she is crying. She wants me back and realizes what she has/had. I fall for it and we begin to hang out. On a whim I move my stuff into her place, the next day she freaks out and says she needs space. I also find an email to this guy where she is spilling herself out for him. The breakup #2 She wouldn’t fess up to me about him and the fact she wanted him back so I drop a few hints that were in the email (to let her know I she was completely lying to my face). She is shocked. She says she was ashamed and has to leave (we were in a parking lot). I tell her I will not talk to her ever again until she gets some counseling and her **** together. 3 weeks go by with no contact except for a few brief encounters at our gym (no communication just a glance and look away) Back together #2 I see her at the gym and she smirks/smiles at me, I glance away thinking wtf are you doing? Mind you, this other guy showed up at the gym a few minutes after her. An exercise date? So Im thinking to myself, how does this bitch have the audacity to pull this. I’m furious and leave the gym with the intention of ending this marriage. I get home, in the process of getting ready I find her at my house going through her **** I left outside. We talk for awhile, I tell her I have to go file divorce papers, she freaks out and cries. I truly think its genuine. She “breaks up” with this guy over the weekend. Comes to my house, I meet with a counselor and decide I need to hear/see the breakup for my own good so I can start to rebuild trust. I tell her this and she kinda blows me off, like it’s a joke. “What do you want me to call him on speaker phone, ya right” kinda laughing about it as its silly. She tells me to just believe her, ya right. The nxt day I see this guy at the gym and confront him about her and him and their “break up”. Evidently it was a little separation but she was going by his house after she left mine, bringing him food/stuff. The final breakup I return home to a few missed calls from her, answer the phone (its her). She proceeds to get upset with me that I “got in his face” at the gym. I say “f$kf him, fu#k this whole situation. It’s over” and hang up. That was 2 weeks ago, I filed for divorce today. I need some emotional support…re-reading this I can completely see the warning signs but I wanted her bad. I worked my ass off for myself and “us”..I come out better for it but I still feel terrible. I was a sucker and fell for her but she seemed so genuine. I know she needs counseling bad..she doesn’t know whats going on in her head. Any advice or encouraging words would be nice..
TrustInYourself Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I'm sorry man. I'm almost there with my wife. Just waiting for the man to show up.
Author Roto25 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 I hope you guys don't have any children. For me it was easy in that regard, we have ourselves and some "stuff". I need to get out of this funk I am in..I know it will take time but I just hate the thoughts that are in my head. I have a completely negative attitude towards any type of relationship at this current time, how can I ever trust anyone? I have used this time to reflect back and fix myself though, I told her from the beginning that no matter how it turns out I am coming out a better man. I was true to my word, I am. I hope you can find the strength like I did in yourself and push forward. Take care I'm sorry man. I'm almost there with my wife. Just waiting for the man to show up.
Author Roto25 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 **** this broad~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`!!!!!!!!! i hate them and their ****ing "space" when its always anothaer ****ing guy then they dont know what they want and want to play ****j **** ASLL THAT **** NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAINR!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111 hehe.. thanks..I feel the same way
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 You know that "look" ~ that "hating, spouting, don't give a f**K" look you get from the wife! That "hateful" ~ I wished you were dead look? That's because your Plan "B" and he's Plan "A" ~ but Plan "A" isn't working out so well! You couldn't dump this gal fast enough! But? If you choose not to? Wake up every morning, and look in the mirror, and tell yourself, "F**K YOU! Forget your hopes, your dreams, your aspirations, your desires, your wishes, your friends, your family ~ NOW GET YOUR @SS OUT THERE AND TRY AND MAKE THIS B***H HAPPY! FOR EVERYDAY OF THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!
Nomad1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Roto25 - Man, this is hilarious! This woman had so much power over you. She treated you like a puppet on a string! You are so lucky that you don't have kids with her. The OM is your saviour in disguise really! You should thank him so much for ridding you off this walking nightmare. Good to hear you are looking after No1. Stay strong man. This is the first day of the rest of a happy life. Congratulations. I would never speak to that sad woman ever again. Nomad1
TrustInYourself Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 You know that "look" ~ that "hating, spouting, don't give a f**K" look you get from the wife! That "hateful" ~ I wished you were dead look? That's because your Plan "B" and he's Plan "A" ~ but Plan "A" isn't working out so well! You couldn't dump this gal fast enough! But? If you choose not to? Wake up every morning, and look in the mirror, and tell yourself, "F**K YOU! Forget your hopes, your dreams, your aspirations, your desires, your wishes, your friends, your family ~ NOW GET YOUR @SS OUT THERE AND TRY AND MAKE THIS B***H HAPPY! FOR EVERYDAY OF THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE! LOL...interesting post Gunny. Well said.
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 LOL...interesting post Gunny. Well said. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I've not been the only one? To share a bowel of Wheaties with such as one!
TrustInYourself Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I hope you guys don't have any children. For me it was easy in that regard, we have ourselves and some "stuff". I need to get out of this funk I am in..I know it will take time but I just hate the thoughts that are in my head. I have a completely negative attitude towards any type of relationship at this current time, how can I ever trust anyone? I have used this time to reflect back and fix myself though, I told her from the beginning that no matter how it turns out I am coming out a better man. I was true to my word, I am. I hope you can find the strength like I did in yourself and push forward. Take care Hell yeah, I am definitely coming out of this stronger and a better, more mature individual. As far as the funk, is that not temporary? We have a daughter. It sucks, but you adapt and overcome. Thank you for the words. Take it easy.
Billy Bob Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I've not been the only one? To share a bowel of Wheaties with such as one! Hah! Life is sooo much better once you take out the garbage Roto25, you are making the right choice filing for divorce.. but I disagree on one count.. She knows exactly what she is doing. Some people put on a charade and act caring and emotional. You think you know them, but in fact they are users and you only know the face they put forth. Don't worry about her, don't worry about her getting counseling, let her become someone else's problem. Move forward, I guarantee you will get over her and life will get good!
Author Roto25 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks a lot for all the replies! I really appreciate it! A little update.. She came by and grabbed the rest of her stuff and was asking why I removed all wedding pics from the wall etc.. I asked her if she was kidding? Basically, she wanted to find out if I hated her on it by me saying "because I hate you!"..well I didn't but I did tell her I didn't want to see her/talk to her again and to leave my house. She left, by the way she was saying how she still loves me while she was leaving. I chuckled and said action speak louder than words. Saw her at the gym today..she texts me later saying how great I look and how she was thinking about me picking her up and stuff (like physically). crazy ****..I am continuing the NC
Gunny376 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 All I can say is She's so full of it! Keep on Truckin' My Brother!
Billy Bob Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Saw her at the gym today..she texts me later saying how great I look and how she was thinking about me picking her up and stuff (like physically). Don't make the mistake of getting physical (sex) with her.. stay away! You don't need this crazy b*tch!
TrustInYourself Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 You're right, actions speak louder than words. I want your opinion on something. I'm in a situation where the wife is willing to spend time with me and get physical. No questions asked. No commitment. It's similar to if we were dating/going out. Thoughts?
SingleDad Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 TIY - Are you kidding !!! She's your wife and you have a young daughter. Yes - be with your wife... but not just for sex... This is your time to re-kindle your relationship with her. Forget about the past... start the future now I am overhwelmingly jealous !!!
TrustInYourself Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Yeah, well my path is working in a way. My wife is probably questioning why she should go back to the way things were, when things are so nice now. LOL, I can not question that logic. I was a complete a-hole before this separation. Now, I'm trying to be a better person and she's allowing me that chance. I'm not sure how the future will turn out. I'm living in the present and enjoying it. Does this mean my marriage is on the track of recovery? I'm not sure. I've just let go of my fear.
Author Roto25 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Yeah, well my path is working in a way. My wife is probably questioning why she should go back to the way things were, when things are so nice now. LOL, I can not question that logic. I was a complete a-hole before this separation. Now, I'm trying to be a better person and she's allowing me that chance. I'm not sure how the future will turn out. I'm living in the present and enjoying it. Does this mean my marriage is on the track of recovery? I'm not sure. I've just let go of my fear. I'm in a rush man but I want to go back and read your thread and everything before I throw out my opinion. I will be back later and post it so maybe it can help you out or you will at least have my 2 cents (worth a penny) So for me.. Its stimulus check time and I have to meet the wife and sign etc.. She arrived at my house (unannounced) last night around midnight looking distraught saying she couldnt sleep etc.. I was like wtf are you doing here, you've got to be kidding me. After a few minutes she left, and then I proceeded to receive like 6-7 text messages and a few phone calls to the tone of "I love you. I'm sorry. I've lost everything and there is no point to live etc.." Basically a much more severe form of her "wanting me back" than previously. I cannot just flick a switch and not care for her..I love her as a person but I don't love her actions. I will meeet with her tonight and basically tell her that I cannot move forward with you because of how you are and have been. You need to take this time and focus on yourself because you have a lot of **** you need to clear up from you past (adoption/rape/abuse etc..). I feel this is the right thing to do because I am confident in my ability to not become attached to her. I have this innate ability to handle difficult situations (not intially, I am human and go through hte normal grieving "shock" process) I'm pretty young and lost my mother and grandfather (whom was the closest person I've ever had in my life). And I basically raised myself. Anyway, end tangent. ttyl
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Ok, I need help. She came over for dinner. It was ok. She's distant. Quiet. Non-communicative. We hold eachother, things seem ok again for a few moments from my perspective. We put the daughter asleep. We lay in bed. I rub her legs. I rub her back. Next thing you know we are full on into sex and she's onboard 100%. However, afterwards she feels guilty. Distraught. Shameful. She tells me there is no feelings, it's just purely physical. That's difficult to hear. I don't have sex with someone just to have sex. I'm pushing this too fast I think. Too much physical before we've had a chance to really rebuild. What do I do? I want to love my wife and know she loves me back 100%. I'm not some robot. I would do anything to allow love for me to be in her heart once more. I'd even walk away completely. I'd divorce her. Whatever she wants, she can have. Is this the problem? Maybe! I don't know. I walked away from rebuilding my marriage once, by dating and flirting and my wife's response was not jealousy but acknowledgement of my past where women have kissed or slept with me(before we were married, in a long distance relationship). I think my marriage is doomed, even when we are right there to rebuilding it. It's like my wife's heart refuses to allow me another chance.
Nomad1 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 TIY - I have been there. It seems as though your W is struggling with divided loyalties. She probably feels disloyal as she may have interest / emotional involvement (at least) with someone else. The best thing to do is stop having sex with her. It will only prolong the agony. Nomad1
SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 TIY - I'm sorry... maybe you missed what I meant. Re-kindle !!!! Talk, indepth conversations, understand her, get back in her head, try to re-build an emotional and spiritual connection - all of that has to be done before sex, otherwise it is just sex and not making love !!!
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 TIY - I have been there. It seems as though your W is struggling with divided loyalties. She probably feels disloyal as she may have interest / emotional involvement (at least) with someone else. The best thing to do is stop having sex with her. It will only prolong the agony. Nomad1 Agreed, we mutually agreed to stop having sex. It has nothing to do with another man. It has everything to do with our mutual lust, not love. My wife refuses to have sex just for the fun of it. I'm not here having sex with her just for the fun of it either. It devalues everything we are trying to accomplish by spending time together. We're trying to rebuild and we're rushing the physical, before the emotional. The emotional may never come back, but we're trying. I'm not sure that's the right approach either. Who the hell knows. Maybe her counselor will know when she visits her for the first time next week. I hope someone has answers.
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 TIY - I'm sorry... maybe you missed what I meant. Re-kindle !!!! Talk, indepth conversations, understand her, get back in her head, try to re-build an emotional and spiritual connection - all of that has to be done before sex, otherwise it is just sex and not making love !!! Bingo. I'm trying. It's rough because we are contending with all the past hurt, anger, resentment. She feels past the point of no return, but she cares deeply for me. It's not love but we're trying to rebuild it. I question if we're trying to hard to create something that has to just happen. I'm worried by trying to "work" on our marriage, we are driving away love. Everything is just chance and consequences atm. If we try and work it out, who knows what will happen. If we try and just do LC for awhile to get some space, who knows what will happen. There is so much uncertainty, and I have so much hope. It's not the same for her. I don't want to play games to get her to miss me or w/e. I have no problems dating, getting other women, moving on. Hell, I could move on in 2 weeks with someone new, but why would I? I love her and she's trying to work past her feelings of anger, hurt, resentment. I could just say screw it all, and throw it away cause it's broken. Lord knows, that would be the easiest path for both of us. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to do the best for everyone involved, including my daughter, but I don't know what that is. I only know how I feel. I only know what I want. I only know how I have to be and what I should do. I leave the rest to God.
SingleDad Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 The easiest path is not necessarily the right path. I think there is "work" involved to save the marriage because of the damage caused and the hard feelings involved. But it would be work because you want it... and you have a daughter to think about.
Abomination Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 **** this broad~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`!!!!!!!!! i hate them and their ****ing "space" when its always anothaer ****ing guy then they dont know what they want and want to play ****j **** ASLL THAT **** NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAINR!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111 Well-said.
Recommended Posts