Trialbyfire Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I'm not bald or losing my hair so why is it that I've attracted men who are?
SugarKiss Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 You need to bear in mind that on a dating site, very pretty girls are mobbed with emails on a daily basis. Most of the reason is many guys just look at photos and send winks or random emails to anything they think is hot. Even more average looking women get a lot of attention on these sites. Remember on most sites the men outnumber the women greatly, so you're facing a lot of competition. The larger set women aren't getting flooded with emails, so they have to be proactive. The pretty girls and the average looking women more will just go their inbox when thinking in terms of potential men. Hence why a lot of guys email them regardless if they have a shot. They know she'll be hitting her inbox before hitting search. With the larger women, as I said they aren't getting the massive amounts of emails that the thinner women get, so they have to be proactive. They're out emailing guys they like, and basically knowing there's a good chance the guy will not answer, but the offhand possibility that he might. I also believe they are emailing all sorts of guys of all weights. MY SUGGESTION...If you live a healthy lifestyle and your interests/hobbies involve exercise, talk about those in your profile. Even mention in the "what I want" part that you like women who are into athletics or health and fitness. It's a good way to make your underlying statement on body type without sounding cold or shallow, because even some thinner women you might want could be turned off on any statement that says "NO FAT CHICKS!" Some women will see that you're very hardcore about physical appearance and wonder if in the long term you would drop her if she gained a few pounds or aged. If you can't play off on the healthy lifestyle thing, then just be polite and be honest. When a woman you are not into emails you, just reply back politely but if she's pushing for you to date her, just say you're not interested. Adult men and women can handle polite rejections, and there is no crime in a man or woman politely rejecting someone online. wow your comments are so mature and attractive. I like the way you think that was really good advice on how to market yourself to the right people by using positive imagery on what your life is about as opposed to negatives. it's so true what you said about mature people being able to handle rejection, on the same token mature people don't go around balking at the "undesirables" that hit on them. everyone is entitled to like whomever they choose whether they are rightly matched or not. if you have a healthy self esteem you would not take offence to someone who is not to your standards, hitting on you. I was on a free site about a year a go and I would get quite a few emails every day, I would have to turn off my profile periodically when I was not online because I would log in and have tons of emails. one night I left my comp on all night on a friday and it kept me logged into the site for some reason and when I went to see the window the next day I had 130 emails, no word of a lie :laugh: but let me tell you 95% of those emails were from men that were not overall appealing to me one way or another but I would not look down on those guys for liking what they saw/read. I never once made contact with a guy first all I had to do was log on and put myself online and the possibilites started flowing...so it's true the more attractive the woman, I assume the less she has to try and I would not consider myself overly attractive but there was one thing in my profile that most men commented on and that was the fact that I looked good and was still able to come across down to earth so naturally that will appeal to a lot of men all shapes and sizes.
SugarKiss Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I'm not bald or losing my hair so why is it that I've attracted men who are? maybe they see you in your habit, and naturally christian monks will feel "more at home" around someone like you! but why do they also hit on me? I don't wear a habit but I've got a few bad habits....
Trialbyfire Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 maybe they see you in your habit, and naturally christian monks will feel "more at home" around someone like you! but why do they also hit on me? I don't wear a habit but I've got a few bad habits.... But...but...but...they weren't monks. Why oh why would bald men hit on me? I have hair down to my arse. Could it be hair envy?
D-Jam Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 wow your comments are so mature and attractive. I like the way you think that was really good advice on how to market yourself to the right people by using positive imagery on what your life is about as opposed to negatives. Thank you for the compliment. I think in the debate on obese people liking or disliking their bodies, I more see it as someone should only want to lose weight for HEALTH reasons. Not the reason of looking attractive to the opposite sex. When I lost a lot of weight, there was some rationale in me about wanting to be thinner and more attractive to women, but my main motivation was my health. My family was having health problems from extra weight, and I didn't want to follow that path with possibilities of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or even diabetes. I dedicated myself to healthy living because I want to be that 70 year old who can jog down the street. (I'm 34 now) If you're obese and love yourself, more power to you. If you're obese and don't like who you are, then don't complain the world is unfair...just get dedicated and make a change. There are men and women who like/date larger men and women over the thinner ones. Frankly, I see the fatter folk out there finding love way easier than the thinner folk. I think part of it is that the fat aren't as obsessed with the shallow things as many thinner folk are.
missdeathwish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 So I have been messing with a few online dating sites for awhile and this is getting pretty dumb. I message a lot of women and I don't really expect replys back, which I don't get, so whatever. So I am noticing that the decent/average looking girls (i dont message the super hot girls) almost never respond to my emails, but every women actually contact me it's a fat woman. Is it possible that your idea of "fat" is somewhat warped? If you go by "bigger than a model or actress" then most girls are going to be fat, even if they're of a healthy weight. The "decent" women probably are getting a lot of emails, like another poster said. They might just not be interested in you based on your photos/profile. I haven't seen it, so I obviously can't offer any ideas as to what it might be. I have pictures posted on my profile, I am not fat or even overweight in the slightest. I state in my profile that I work out everyday and keep in good shape and that the gym is an important part of my daily routine. Yet, tons of fat women keep contacting me. As another person posted, people usually stay within their "league." That is, they're not going to approach someone who they think is way more attractive than them. Maybe your style is similar to theirs. It could also be that they're avoiding the "super hot guys" and going for the more average ones. (I'm assuming that besides your interest in working out, you're pretty average.) It could also be that you seem really nice and approachable in your profile, so the girls feel like you would be a good possibility. I have no idea what you look like, but you keep talking about your body. For most women that I know, the body isn't the first thing we look at/notice. It's the face. Attraction is also more intuitive. It's either there or it isn't. I couldn't describe to you an attractive face. I could give you some examples, but that's it. In short, maybe it's not your body that is what is appealing (or not appealing) about you, but something else. Do you have any good, clear photos of your face on there? Smiling is good. And not in sunglasses. BTW: When I read "I work out every day" in a profile, I don't find it particularly impressive... I guess I'd prefer a guy who takes care of his body by living in it, rather than working on it. Also, a really fitness-focused guy definitely isn't for me. As an average girl, I'd rather not be with someone who was always fretting over his body. It might make me feel like he was judging mine, whether he was or not. Good luck to you, dude. Try rereading your profile. I agree with the poster who suggested adding some activities to your "Who I Want to Meet" section. Not "working out", but something like hiking or a sport that you like. That will attract people with common interests and active hobbies.
Shygirl15 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 The online thing is so unpredictable, and it all depends on what people are really looking for. I, luckily, am one of those who just looked in their inbox to find potential mates, and never did the searching. During the 1st week of signing up, I received about 100 emails, with all sorts of faces, height, weight, race etc. Guess what happened, I ended up with someone who did not even have a profile photo, but who clearly has the personality and is more likely to provide the kind of security I need from a man. My values are different; I may have physical preference for a guy just like everyone else, however I value inner beauty more than what I see on the surface. I'm sure there are some women online who share the same values as mine, so don't get discouraged, keep going, your fate will soon come I'm sure. My boyfriend has the same story to tell; he was attacked nonstop by the fatties so when I responded to his photoless email, he thought it was a scam!
havoc Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Maybe you are "fat" and don't know it? Just thought I'd throw that out there. Ha.
Shygirl15 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Maybe you are "fat" and don't know it? Just thought I'd throw that out there. Ha. Oh, that's so mean Havoc, however I just can't help it but :lmao::lmao:!!
45Reverse Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I'm not bald or losing my hair so why is it that I've attracted men who are? LMAO!
45Reverse Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 The online thing is so unpredictable, and it all depends on what people are really looking for. I, luckily, am one of those who just looked in their inbox to find potential mates, and never did the searching. During the 1st week of signing up, I received about 100 emails, with all sorts of faces, height, weight, race etc. Guess what happened, I ended up with someone who did not even have a profile photo, but who clearly has the personality and is more likely to provide the kind of security I need from a man. My values are different; I may have physical preference for a guy just like everyone else, however I value inner beauty more than what I see on the surface. I'm sure there are some women online who share the same values as mine, so don't get discouraged, keep going, your fate will soon come I'm sure. My boyfriend has the same story to tell; he was attacked nonstop by the fatties so when I responded to his photoless email, he thought it was a scam! Maybe we can all agree on this: Internet dating is not what that guy from E-harmony says it is. It's more fickle, challenging, and selective than 'real world' dating. It's about dating from a 'menu'...If you give someone a menu, they are only going to select what they like. Kind of like going to a Japanese restaurant and refusing to order sushi because you don't do raw fish...It might be the tastiest thing on the menu but you'll never know because it lives outside your comfort zone. It's about stats people! Nothing more. If you lack certain "stats" (use height for men and weight for women as examples) you are not going to have the kind of success that E-Harmony guy likes to brag about. It ignores so many dynamics of interpersonal relationships that I often wonder how anyone ever really meets their 'soul mate' through on line dating. Now how many of you actualy enjoy the thought of being reduced to a set of numbers? I think the seriously successful "web daters" are those few people who have all the stats in all the right places. I don't think these people are all that common however. It's a boon to knock-out hottie women or tall dark handsome type dudes...And a bust to most everyone else. More chicks than dudes in this niche for sure, but it's occupants are still rare none the less. My advice? Sharpen up your look. Find ways to be more comfortable in your own skin...and date the old fashioned way. Forget the net.
D-Lish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I am going to re-iterate what I posted in your other thread- I don't hink 5'9 is too short!
fral945 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I disagree. I mean, they should be concerned for health reasons but why should they feel unattractive? If they used society's standards as a mirror for their self confidence, they would be miserable all the time. What's so about about them feeling good about themselves, even if doesn't reflect the opinions of others? That's exactly my point. It isn't healthy. I didn't say you should feel unattractive. And that doesn't mean you're miserable all the time, either. It just means you shouldn't become content when you weight 300 lbs. And regarding society's standards, I assume you're talking about Holywood, which no one should use as a model. And as far as the American population goes, I surely don't look to them as my standard. The majority of people are overweight. That's not a majority I want to be a part of. I don't look to society, I look to what is healthy and gives me the best chance to live a long and productive life, and not have a box full of pills and needles in my arms when I am 70 yrs. old. There are some people who have no control over their weight for medical reasons. Also, many overweight people have a genetic predisposition to being overweight. Obesity isn't always the result of laziness. This statement bothers me the most. I hear that over and over about the "predisposition" excuse. In my case, I'm predisposed to bad teeth. My mom has terrible teeth and I got her genetics so I had tons of cavities when I was a kid. I still get cavities, but not nearly as many and as often as I used to. Any why? Because I changed my bad habits. I quit drinking soft drinks and eating all that candy. I don't use my genetics as an excuse, even when I get the occassional cavity. Your statement does not apply to the majority. It applies in a minority of the cases. When you say "many" you are exaggerating greatly. Of course I'm generalizing and with all generalizations there are exceptions, I understand. But look at pictures of your relatives 100 yrs ago, and you won't see many fat people. The number of fat people then was a tiny percentage of the population. The reality is that in today's society it is easier to be overweight because it takes no effort. And most people take the path of least resistance. I won't go in to details unless you want me to, but most of the people who are overweight are that way because it is very inconvenient and more expensive to eat right, cook your own meals, and exercise to maintain a healthy weight. Yes, there are exceptions, but "many" of the overweight people are not the exceptions. I could easily be just like everyone else if I took the easy way in life. I admit I probably wouldn't be obese, but I could easily be 40-50 lbs heavier.
D-Jam Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 My advice? Sharpen up your look. Find ways to be more comfortable in your own skin...and date the old fashioned way. Forget the net. I agree with what you said about online dating. The biggest problem now is that too many people are lying about themselves on these sites because they're more interested in RESULTS over an ideal match. So they'll fudge anything they need to in order to get results. Plus it's built sort of a "code" that people see through now, so if you are honest about yourself, many will see you as worse than you are. You put down your actual income, people will think you make $20,000 less. You put you have an "average" body and people will think you're very obese. On and on. I think "sharpening up your look and going at things the old fashioned way" sounds great on paper, but nowadays I notice that in many cases you have to be a good liar if you want to go out and pick up women the old fashioned way. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I see and hear of too many instances where someone lies their brains off to get into dating with someone else, then when the truth comes out, the someone else will stick around and hope things can be good. Honesty doesn't seem to work much anymore unless you are someone who has their stats in the right place. Plus with all the lying, women are now way more defensive than they were before. I'll go out and see less sociable women. Women dressed nice, but clinging to their cliques and being very closed off. Walls of ice up. Only way in is if you know someone in their group. They always say I should look for eye contact and a smile, but I go out and never get it. Just heads turning away. To me, the hard work used to be about making a good date for the woman you're out with, treating her right, and both people making one another happy. Now, it's just a lot of work in itself to get a woman to lower her guard enough to talk to you, then even more to give you a means to contact her, or especially to get her out on a date. At my age (34), I find the women I meet are constantly looking for reasons to run and hide. My heart goes out to them all that they have had guys lie to them and they fell for it, but it drives me nuts when most of the work now becomes trying to get said women to trust me. To make them believe I'm not going to lie to her and play her. This is why my best advice is more to not put a big priority on dating in your life. One day years ago I got very frustrated and disgusted at the masses of headcases I seem to meet. One after the next, and it seemed any woman I met with a stable mind was in a relationship. This is when I looked at my life and wondered why I keep trying to date and do relationships when it seems my past ones didn't go so well and the present day seems to keep bringing me back to a sad and frustrated state. It was at this point I took a break from dating. I stopped trying. I stopped making it any kind of a goal in my life to find someone. All around me I wouldn't see happy relationships, but people cheating, complaining, crying, etc. How is this supposed to make me believe life will be happy with someone? I spent my time doing things to fulfill myself in life. I took on new hobbies, did stuff, worked, grad school, etc. I just carried my life on the idea that I really could care less if I find Ms Right or not. I felt that I sharpened up myself enough, but what I would meet are women who honestly didn't deserve anyone good in their lives. They still cling on to the idea that they can change the jerk into a prince, or are so jaded and messed up from years of bad decisions that they more need therapy than a boyfriend. I remember my father's words: "Don't ever date or marry someone for the sake of having someone." I think about that all the time, and it's true. I'll gladly be alone the rest of my life before I allow myself to fall into a mess with someone who isn't a decent and good person. I felt basically that it's time for the opposite sex to shape up rather than tell me to accept them for how they are. I've been happy and drama free in my life. It honestly feels liberating. I still am sociable and am open to meeting women, but I don't feel like it's the be-all-end-all of my life. I've had some ask me if I worry about missing my chances on marriage or even kids, but I see it more that I will marry the right woman or be alone. I also thought out goals for myself in life. Things I want to do. I keep it as tentative, so they can be changed. If I meet the right woman, then I'll change them to be about "us" as opposed to "me". If not, then I will live a full life and die with the idea in my head that there never was a right woman for me. That to me is the advice I tell all men and women who are single and can't seem to find the REALISTICALLY right person. Make your life about YOU. Make it about your happiness and your self-fulfillment. Be your own soulmate, and not act like your life is over if you end up alone. Be realistic in whart you're looking for, but don't settle.
freckles73 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I agree with what you said about online dating. The biggest problem now is that too many people are lying about themselves on these sites because they're more interested in RESULTS over an ideal match. So they'll fudge anything they need to in order to get results. Plus it's built sort of a "code" that people see through now, so if you are honest about yourself, many will see you as worse than you are. You put down your actual income, people will think you make $20,000 less. You put you have an "average" body and people will think you're very obese. On and on. D-Jam Physical chemistry in online dating really is a crapshoot. I'm perfectly honest about my stats online, but many guys I've met have been significantly shorter than they state in their profile. It's really uncomfortable to show up for a date and find out that a guy who said he is 6' tall is shorter than me. It always begs the question, what else have they lied about? A tall man is a hardwired preference for me. I know my body type isn't every guy's cup-of-tea, which is why I try to be above-board about the fact that I'm a curvy......size 14, not BBW plus-sized, but not little either. A lot of men appreciate my hourglass shape, especially "boob men", so why would I want to lie about my size to lure in a man that wouldn't? It doesn't make sense. The outcome of getting caught in a lie on the first date could never be good. The more online dating experiences I have the more notice that a lot of men in Chicago lie about their height. I even had a guy say he was 6'4" who turned out to be 6'0". I don't know what the point of that was. I don't know if it's a trend, or if there are a lot of men walking around Chicago with a Napolean complex.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Is it possible that your idea of "fat" is somewhat warped? If you go by "bigger than a model or actress" then most girls are going to be fat, even if they're of a healthy weight. Good point. I often wonder what people consider "overweight" or "fat." I do think, however, that regardless of the standard used, it takes more additional pounds for a man to be considered overweight than a woman.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I think that if you have so many complaints about online dating, then its best to go out and actually meet people in person. Online dating is all about hit and misses, unless you're direct with what and who you want, anybody will message you. Because it is a dating site after all right? From personal experience, I think that it's important to be fit and healthy. But today's weight, size, and body shape are not ideal and I'm afraid I fit into that category where I was under the whole Hollywood glamour unfluence. I wasn't what you call obese when I was still in grade school, but I was over the average weight for a kid at that age. And because I was constantly being taunted in school, I started developing an eating disorder. It created severe low self esteem for me, and I was hospitalized because of my illness. Did I wanted to have such an outcome? It wasn't planned out, but most of the pressure was from constantly consuming processed food. They were cheap and nobody predicted the unhealthiness until recent years. So really, it's all about the American diet. And it's about choice. If we can choose to make the right decisions, then follow through with them, then obesity would not be such an epidemic.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I agree with what you said about online dating. The biggest problem now is that too many people are lying about themselves on these sites because they're more interested in RESULTS over an ideal match. So they'll fudge anything they need to in order to get results. Plus it's built sort of a "code" that people see through now, so if you are honest about yourself, many will see you as worse than you are. You put down your actual income, people will think you make $20,000 less. You put you have an "average" body and people will think you're very obese. On and on. I think "sharpening up your look and going at things the old fashioned way" sounds great on paper, but nowadays I notice that in many cases you have to be a good liar if you want to go out and pick up women the old fashioned way. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I see and hear of too many instances where someone lies their brains off to get into dating with someone else, then when the truth comes out, the someone else will stick around and hope things can be good. Honesty doesn't seem to work much anymore unless you are someone who has their stats in the right place. Plus with all the lying, women are now way more defensive than they were before. I'll go out and see less sociable women. Women dressed nice, but clinging to their cliques and being very closed off. Walls of ice up. Only way in is if you know someone in their group. They always say I should look for eye contact and a smile, but I go out and never get it. Just heads turning away. To me, the hard work used to be about making a good date for the woman you're out with, treating her right, and both people making one another happy. Now, it's just a lot of work in itself to get a woman to lower her guard enough to talk to you, then even more to give you a means to contact her, or especially to get her out on a date. At my age (34), I find the women I meet are constantly looking for reasons to run and hide. My heart goes out to them all that they have had guys lie to them and they fell for it, but it drives me nuts when most of the work now becomes trying to get said women to trust me. To make them believe I'm not going to lie to her and play her. This is why my best advice is more to not put a big priority on dating in your life. One day years ago I got very frustrated and disgusted at the masses of headcases I seem to meet. One after the next, and it seemed any woman I met with a stable mind was in a relationship. This is when I looked at my life and wondered why I keep trying to date and do relationships when it seems my past ones didn't go so well and the present day seems to keep bringing me back to a sad and frustrated state. It was at this point I took a break from dating. I stopped trying. I stopped making it any kind of a goal in my life to find someone. All around me I wouldn't see happy relationships, but people cheating, complaining, crying, etc. How is this supposed to make me believe life will be happy with someone? I spent my time doing things to fulfill myself in life. I took on new hobbies, did stuff, worked, grad school, etc. I just carried my life on the idea that I really could care less if I find Ms Right or not. I felt that I sharpened up myself enough, but what I would meet are women who honestly didn't deserve anyone good in their lives. They still cling on to the idea that they can change the jerk into a prince, or are so jaded and messed up from years of bad decisions that they more need therapy than a boyfriend. I remember my father's words: "Don't ever date or marry someone for the sake of having someone." I think about that all the time, and it's true. I'll gladly be alone the rest of my life before I allow myself to fall into a mess with someone who isn't a decent and good person. I felt basically that it's time for the opposite sex to shape up rather than tell me to accept them for how they are. I've been happy and drama free in my life. It honestly feels liberating. I still am sociable and am open to meeting women, but I don't feel like it's the be-all-end-all of my life. I've had some ask me if I worry about missing my chances on marriage or even kids, but I see it more that I will marry the right woman or be alone. I also thought out goals for myself in life. Things I want to do. I keep it as tentative, so they can be changed. If I meet the right woman, then I'll change them to be about "us" as opposed to "me". If not, then I will live a full life and die with the idea in my head that there never was a right woman for me. That to me is the advice I tell all men and women who are single and can't seem to find the REALISTICALLY right person. Make your life about YOU. Make it about your happiness and your self-fulfillment. Be your own soulmate, and not act like your life is over if you end up alone. Be realistic in whart you're looking for, but don't settle. I really like this post, D-Jam! This is the way I'm trying to live my life right now. Some days I wake up and I feel free and great. Other days I still feel weighted with expectations that will seemingly never be fulfilled. This idea of a soulmate, or "the one" is really ingrained in this society. I am trying to break free and be my own souldmate, as you suggested. I think that the hardest part for me is this deep down belief that there I am not "good enough" because I have not found the right partner. It is ludicrous, I know, but persistent. I think that to have someone want to be with you so badly, you must be really special. So the opposite must also be true.... If I am no one's priority, if I am not special enough to hold on to, what does that mean? This is where I am working on myself. Combatting that inner dialogue. It's funny. Whenever some long lost friend finds me on Facebook, they are usually always married with kids. I always think to myself: how to "explain" being single at 35? So then I tell them how I have a lot of friends (true) and how I date and have men in my life, if not a serious relationship. Well that's a bit off topic, but I did want to respond to your post, D-Jam. It struck a chord with me. On to the original post. Fat women. I'm thinking that your profile makes you sound like a warm and accepting guy. Which is a good thing. DO you want to come off like an a**hole? No. The one time I did online dating I did not respond to any profile that sounded like they had really specific standards. I am short and athletic, but I also am somewhat curvy too so I did not respond to anyone asking for "petite and athletic". If the person listed 20 items they wanted in a woman, I did not respond. I figured they were looking for Miss Perfect. I wanted to meet someone open to meeting new people and then forming opinions. I did not want to fulfill someone's mental checklist. All it takes is one trait not on the list, and bam, you are out of there. I actually know a guy who has a list of over 200 qualities he wants in a woman. "Must like hearts of palm" was on the list. I asked him if he was serious, and he said yes! What?!? If you meet an amazing woman and she doesn't like hearts of palm it's over? Wow, good luck finding that person!
KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 The people you message that don't reply to you are probably thinking the same sort of thing about you, when you go in for the net dating seen obviously the more unattractive more desperate people are going to be the ones to contact you more frequently. Makes sense yes?
Trialbyfire Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 My advice? Sharpen up your look. Find ways to be more comfortable in your own skin...and date the old fashioned way. Forget the net. I totally agree with this. Online dating seems so cold, in that you order up your mate through a catalogue. They even take Visa for subscription/membership costs... Edit - I'll take one of those in blonde/brunette, size 2, inseam of 32. Send it COD...kthxbye.
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