Abused&Confused Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 My husband and I are trying to re-build our marriage after I had affair. He forgave me, but i am basically doing everything to gain his love and trust again, I am doing everything I possibly can. I still cook and clean, pleaseure him, do everything he asks of me. One problem I do have and this is making the difference becaus everytime I fall asleep, he goes into the "Resentment Stage" again. He works nights.... so when I come home from working all day, he leaves to his job. When he leaves, I have my chores to do at home plus taking care of our 9 yr old. He will call me every chance he gets.... By the time I am done with my chores, I end up going to bed like at 1am.... since he is on break at that time he calls me for about 15 minutes. Usually he will call me back at 3am on his next break. He is usually home at 530am so he likes for me to get up at that time so we can take a shower together before I go to work. ANd on weekends, he likes for me to stay up all night with himand then get up early so I can cook breakfast/lunch.....,.,. "I AM EXHAUSTED". Here is the problem. I try my hardest to stay up. Usually I will, as tired as I am. I put my alarms at 530am... usually I will get up, but when I dont get up, cause I am so tired that I dont realize that the alarm went on, he gets restentfull again. He will not talk to me. Or when he tells me to call him at 3am and I either fall asleep so I dont or even if I am like 2 minutes late, he gets resentful. He doesnt realize that I only sleep lilke 3- hours a night, everynight, and it is all for him. How do I make him realize and make him more understanding of the situation? What words can I tell him that wont get him upset. Righht now I am at work and I am falling asleep at my desk practically. LAst night I fell asleep at 1, then daughter woke me up cuz she felt sick, went back to sleep then he called me at 247am, he told me to if I could wakke up at 530 so I can take a shower with him. I tell him to call me an dwake me up when he gets home but he wont. My alarm went on, I turned it off and went back to sleep. I woke up late and when I went to apologize to him, he paid no mind to me. Please advise. Thank you.
Owl Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Marriagebuilders has a term called "Policy of Joint Agreemant". Bottom line is that you both need to come up with a workable plan that meets both your needs. Its unreasonable to expect you to be awake for him 24 hours/day...but he needs some kind of reassurance and contact with you when possible. Sit and discuss and come up with a plan to manage this out for the best for both of you.
Author Abused&Confused Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I try to make him understand but he doesnt. If i dont answer the phone i get questioned, i have to call when he says, i have to pick up when he calls, i have to do what he says.... or else. I understand he is going thru what a BS goes thru and I am so grateful he is giving me another chance. But I have feelings too in a different way I am going thru myh own pain and hurt and it doesnt help when he acts like that with me. If he is tired then I i shouldnt call till he wakes up, if he is sleeping he wont even bother picking up the phone. When he acts like that with me it makes me go back to the feelings I had that caused me to cheat in the first place. I dont want to feel like that. I wish I could tell him exactly this, but I cant cuz he gets defensive.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I woke up late and when I went to apologize to him, he paid no mind to me. Please advise. Thank you. Your H is a powertrip type guy. With all honesty... he was bad before... and you had good reason to complain. However, now that you had an affair, you have handed him ALL the power, and the justification to abuse you! Now your in a really bad situation. He doesn't care about your hardships, and I don't think you can talk him into caring. If our places were switched.... I would tell him to compromise with me on times and schedules... or I would get a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings.
Author Abused&Confused Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Your H is a powertrip type guy. With all honesty... he was bad before... and you had good reason to complain. However, now that you had an affair, you have handed him ALL the power, and the justification to abuse you! Wow, that was . I never looked at it that way, but now that u mention it... it has come to my mind at times. I feel as if he is taking advantage of the situation, but sometimes I see the hurt or it can also be hate he has for me. He gives me these blank stares. And I have noticed that at times he talks to me as if I am dumb, or he juist gets mad at me so easily now, for anything. He hasnt told me he loves me since April.... but every now and then he texts me mixed messages, from I miss you to F*U. Sometimes I feel that if I would have just left him when I first told him of the A, that maybe he would have appreciated me more. I dont know.
Owl Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Marriage counseling...with a counselor who clearly understands the impacts from infidelity and knows how to help recover a marriage from them. Otherwise...divorce. Again...don't make this conditional on what he wants at this point.
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Your H is a powertrip type guy. With all honesty... he was bad before... and you had good reason to complain. However, now that you had an affair, you have handed him ALL the power, and the justification to abuse you! Now your in a really bad situation. He doesn't care about your hardships, and I don't think you can talk him into caring. If our places were switched.... I would tell him to compromise with me on times and schedules... or I would get a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. Yep! What Untouchable said. This is ridiculous. He is being totally unreasonable. Hasn't he heard of the woes of sleep deprivation! And what is up with the title of this thread. He needs me?!!!!! He needs an attitude adjustment if what you are alleging here about him is true.
J2FT1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 When he acts like that with me it makes me go back to the feelings I had that caused me to cheat in the first place. So did he act like this before you cheated on him? You seem to say he is taking advantage of the situation, but then you say that this atitude from him is the reason you cheated...
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Wow, that was . I never looked at it that way, but now that u mention it... it has come to my mind at times. I feel as if he is taking advantage of the situation, but sometimes I see the hurt or it can also be hate he has for me. He gives me these blank stares. And I have noticed that at times he talks to me as if I am dumb, or he juist gets mad at me so easily now, for anything. He hasnt told me he loves me since April.... but every now and then he texts me mixed messages, from I miss you to F*U. Sometimes I feel that if I would have just left him when I first told him of the A, that maybe he would have appreciated me more. I dont know. I know. Your H is sick and you can't fix him. I know possessive controlling guys like this, I've had friends like this. He doesn't like himself much, and his world is ruled by insecurity and fear. Controlling you takes some of that away... it makes him feel powerful and dominant. Does he ever seem obsessive about you? If you want to leave him... maybe you should make a solid plan first. Sometimes guys like this can be dangerous if you leave. Listen, he was bad before, but now after the affair he has a lot of anger and hurt. He is going to try and put that hurt on you. Think about it.
theobserver Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Fact is you cheated on him. You may be trying your hardest to make things right but it's just not good enough for him. I get the feeling he's only got you arounf for the kid and perhaps because he doesn't want to be alone. Fact is this marriage is broken and sadly you broke it. I know exactly how your guy feels down to the timed calls and getting angry if theyre missed it just brings up the anger and reminder of your betrayal and breaking the truth and agreement. On the other hand I understand your working hard, have the child and chores to do. I don't think you can be so hard on him and others alot of us take partners back after infidelity just out of not wanting to lose them. I think he's trying real hard to regain some trust albeit in a really unrealistic way and it doesnt seem like it's going anywhere. Look deep in your heart let this man go free have a talk and explain this isn't working or that if he really wants it to work he's going to have to loosen up. If this was me though kid or no kid I'd of dropped your ass and make you go after a replacement step father which is so hard since most men will just be after your p*ssy and not give a **** about your kid (though there are some rare nice men out there who can step up for the full package, plus I say and kid because you know you'd end up with her, every court would decide it unless you specifically ran out on the family) and see how you like the single life again with limited budgets. Good Luck regardless and I do truely hope the situation improves but apart of me just believes your going to resent this man even more and cheat again just get a divorce seriously and hope your daughter doesn't follow in your foot steps.
OWoman Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I had affair This much I can understand My husband and I are trying to re-build our marriage ...but this I can't. It doesn't sound like there's much "marriage" to rebuild. He forgave me No he didn't. Or he wouldn't treat you like rubbish and expect super-human feats from you while he doesn't keep his end of the bargain. i am basically doing everything Yes. And he is doing nothing. Except abuse you and drive you deeper in to exhaustion and depression. You cannot keep this up. Go to a doctor and speak to him and perhaps he can speak some sense into your H. If not, your health, sanity and LIFE are more important than some pretence of marriage, and if your H is so uncaring as not to recognise that you'd be far better out of it.
Potatocakes Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I agree with OWoman, he hasnt forgave you. I understand you made a mistake but if he's wanting to stick around and try to make things better he needs to realize that this is REALLY unhealthy for you. Is there any way you(or he) could get a different shift? If you worked the same hours you could arrange it to where you saw each other more. Or if you could afford it, one of you taking a break from work so you'd see each other more and work on your marriage.
Keridan Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 OP, you are in a very tough situation. In fact, an unwinnable one. If he is this possessive and controlling and you cheated on him and he found out, he is never going to trust again. Instead of trust, he's going to dominate. He will think that since he can't trust, he will have to make sure you never have the opportunity again. The problem is you are letting him. You are trying to apologize for your indescretion and make up for it. Therefore, you are letting him get away with things and giving into his behavior (acceptable or not). He's taking advantage of this and doing what would be considered abuse in any other situation. He either needs to work on TRUSTing vs. controlling or you need to get out of there. I wish you the best of luck and happier days ahead!
Recommended Posts