lexi29 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I am still friends with one of my exes (we dated for 5 yrs lived together, were engaged etc) I am the one who left him. He didn't cheat on me so in that respect he is a "good" guy. We were close for several years after breaking up (its been about 7 years now since we split) We might see eachother once every 6 months and talk maybe once a month or so. He contacted me today to rant about yet another girl who "wasted his time" I keep hearing this same story over and over regarding different women and I'm wondering what the problem is. He is very successful (he is 29, has his own house (nice house, I've seen pics) and has a career that pays very well. However, since we broke up his longest relationship has been no more than a few months. He's dated quite a few women but has only slept with two of them. One girl he dated moved away after a month of them dating, another led him on and was seeing him behind her boyfriend's back. One girl he dated for a few months, everything was going well, she told him she loved him and vice versa, they had a TON of stuff in common, and all at once she flipped the switch and said she just didnt' have the "feeling" with him and cut him off cold. They are still casual friends to this day though. He dated one woman who was a few years younger than him that turned out to be an alcoholic. She was drunk on their first date and he thought it was just a nervous thing. But after dating her for a few weeks he realized she drank ALL the time. He left her after a month. They still talk and though its been over a year this woman desperately wants him back (has offered to be FWB with him and he declined). He met a woman a few months ago with a good job and she seemed normal. They spent a month flirting and talking and started dating. About a month later when they became exclusive she started showing signs she just wasnt' into him. She finally ended things a few weeks later saying she just didn't feel "that way" about him and wanted to have her freedom for the summer. So another one bites the dust. Now I think my ex is a good guy but would never want to date him again. We were young when we dated and all of his "firsts" were with me. He treated me well (no abuse or cheating) and could be very sweet (he considers himself a nice guy) but he just didn't put me first in the relationship and he didn't understand some of the things I was going through at the time. He wasn't the best bf I've ever had and he wasn't the worst either. I just can't understand what it is about him that all these women just don't want to date him. I mean its been 7 years and he's not looking to get married right now but would in a few years if the right woman came along. He has a lot of interests and I would think he is a decent catch for someone. He does have his height against him because he is short (about 5'6) so his pool of women are limited as most women dont' want to date guys shorter than they are. The women he dates seem to get attached to him very quickly then just turn cold. don't understand it. Any insight I can give him?
rproctor Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Im not trying to sound rude, but why are you so involved with this? He seems to be dating, just because he has not entered a super serious relationship yet does not mean that it wont happen, maybe he just hasnt met that person to get super serious with. Also, these are stories he has told you, and if he was feeling down about the split he probably emphasized the problem on himself, when in actuality it was probably a variety of different factors for some of the splits. I mean, I dont think anyone here can give you any kind of answer, you know him better than any of us, so you would know his strengths and weaknesses and be able to point them out to him... The only thing I could think to point out is that maybe hes being too nice, not keeping any kind of mystery... They get involved with him and then instantly loose interest? Maybe he is coming off really needy and insecure, maybe he opens up too much shows too much affection... Maybe he needs to play more the ******* side, be a little more cocky and not show so much interest so quickly...
Stockalone Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I am in a similar situation. 29, slept with two women since my first relationship ended. I have a good job but I am not rich. My first relationship was the longest (lasted over two years) and I only had two other relationships since then, but they didn't make it past 9 months. In my case, I had to admit to myself that I never got over my first gf. I always knew it but never had the guts to admit it. Can you rule that out, that he is isn't comparing other women with you and wants you back? If he is over you and there are other reasons for it, it could have to do with not putting women first in a relationship. You said that is what he did with you and maybe he is doing the same thing with the women he dated after you. Another thing could be that he is too average/ordinary. Like you said, not the worst you had, but also not the best you had. There are men that are intriguing enough to catch a woman's interest, but lack the edge, sexual energy, mysteriousness or whatever you want to call it, to keep the women interested. And I don't mean nice guy vs. bay boy. That doesn't have to be the case with your ex. But if he gets women interested, I would put the focus on finding out if there is something he does or doesn't do that causes the women to walk away.
Author lexi29 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I'm not really deeply involved in this- he just called to talk and asked for advice and I had no idea what to tell him. I keep blaming it on the women he dates but this last one was a keeper. He really liked her and she was stable and had a good job etc. We began dating 12 years ago so I'm sure he's changed a lot since then. No, he's not hung up on me at all. Yes, when we dated he did put work and school and his parents before me and was a bit selfish at times (keep ending up with selfish guys!) but he was a decent guy too. THe only thing that I can think of is that when I started dating him I was drawn to him because he was so easy to talk to. THe first night we met we talked for hours. And on our first date we went to see a movie and it was a movie I had really wanted to see and had talked it up to him and there were all these crazy sex scenes in it and I was so embarassed (only 17 at the time) because I thought he was going to think I was some kind of freak for suggesting the movie (I didn't know it would have that graphic of scenes). Well we went to dinner and I just flat out admitted that the movie made me uncomfortable and we had a good laugh about it and ended up spending the whole day together and talking till 2am. But the one thing that was missing was chemistry. He is the first and probably only guy I've ever dated where the chemistry wasn't there right away. It was like I had to fall in love with him before I felt any chemistry with him. Might have been because he was very inexperienced but possibly that is what these women are feeling (lack of chemistry). I have no clue. He thinks its because he's too nice. He will open doors, pay for dates, etc but I beg to differ on the too nice part, while he is my friend and I don't want to say bad things about him, I do remember when we were dating he didn't seem to care about things that were important to me. He skipped out on my college graduation (even though I went to his), he skipped out on helping me move into my first apartment when I went to college- to spend time with his dad- and he just always put himself above anyone else (he's an only child) so maybe he is doing something along those lines to turn people off. Thanks for the ideas though.
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