He Doesn't Know What He Wants!

[lorilynne]

I'm new here so here's the History:

Friends since H.S.(both 33 now). Never dated until about 2 years ago. He's got a daughter I've known for a while but got really close to during the time we dated. I discovered he drank too much once we started dated but I always hoped he would change(mostly because he always told me he would for the right woman...dumb on my part for believing, I know). I hesitated to do more than just date for the first 4 months. He insisted or persisted & so we became a couple.

 

That lasted a few months. He dumped me because he decided he wanted to be alone & didn't want a gf but also told me he didn't want me seeing other people. Breakup lasted a couple weeks. Got back together.

 

That lasted a few months...then the same thing. Was helping him with his daughter a lot(picking up, taking care, etc. because of his work schedule) and we got back together. Then I found out he'd been sleeping with his ex the whole time(she showed up at his apt. & told me everything...it was horrible). I broke up with him. He begged me back & actually promised "commitment"! His mom became sick (she later died of pancreatic cancer) so I came back in his life but it wasn't until about three months that I told him we were back together.

 

About four months after that (this past April) he tells me he wants to be single again. This time he's different about it. He says he's sure he doesn't want to be with me. That the relationship I developed with his daughter is one she'll get over & that he wants to see other people. I'm devasted but I start NC. Over the last two and half months, he has continued to call me & always works his way back in my bed by telling me he misses me & he doesn't know what he wants. That he never meant the stuff he told me & he doesn't want me seeing other people. He insisted he wasn't seeing other people and didn't want to.

 

I maintained contact with his daughter. She is a sweet girl that e-mails, calls and texts me. When we first broke up she was pretty down but I reassured her that it was so that her dad could find happiness and that happiness would transfer to her as well. I've always gotten along with her mom (who never married my ex but had a child with him 13 years ago...she's not interested in getting back with him at all & is happily married now with more children from her marriage). So his daughter and her mom invite to a bbq at their house. I go. We all talk and get along great. Later (after a couple glasses of wine), we begin comparing notes on the ex we have in common. I discover he has been pulling this "I don't know what I want" crap for over 13 years with a great variety of women & not been faithful to one! On top of all of this, I find out that he asked his sister if she would "hook him up" with one of her friends in front of his daughter TWO DAYS after we broke up! And he's been talking to this woman & telling his daughter she's really going to like her a lot since April when he dumped me!!! He's been telling me the whole time that he was "confused" & I allowed him back in my heart & bed believing him when he said he was seeing anyone else.

 

So this bbq happened Tuesday night. I text him Wednesday morning stating that I wanted NC & that he needed to start new relationships free of the baggage of an old one. He text me back that he just knew I was seeing someone & that's why I want NC. He called and we fought all morning. He wanted to know if I heard something from someone & denied that he was interested in anyone. I kept telling him I wasn't mad & that he broke up with me to see other people so he should do so without also seeing me. He got angry & even said he knew his daughter said something to me(guilty conscience?). I convinced I just had a feeling & that we needed to establish NC.

 

He called again & told me that he's been thinking about marrying me & that he knows that he would be "content" with me. He goes on about how he'll never find anyone else like me that accepts his daughter & has all that good qualities I have. So I did the hardest thing I've ever done...I told him that he would find someone again someone who would accept his daughter and have all qualities and more! He argued for a while & told him that if I didn't care about him I would have said that he won't. So haven't heard anything since yesterday morning. Did I do that right thing? On these threads, we always write the bad stuff, so I guess you should know that there are a lot positives about him, too...but I'm mad & hurt so it's too hard to write about those! Plus I've rambled a while...hope you'll take the time to read & tell me some words of wisdom...even if it is just keep up NC!

 

Thanks,

Good luck to all!

[alialui]

I'm a girl who belives in true love and soulmates. So, I usually tell people who's having hard time letting go to give it a time and try again, instead of just walking away.

 

but in your case, I'd say you are too good for him. He's extremely self-centered and childish.

1. He tries to be with you and get all the attention and help you offer, but is not really into having you as a girlfriend.

2. He wants to see other people because he's not into you, but he doesn't want you to see other people. How selfish is that? I know this kind of selfish and childish people who just want to string along their exs, giving them false hopes. but They move on. after sniffing around, he will come back if he didn't find anybody better than you. He doesn't love you, but just needs someone who loves him. if he finds someone else, he's gonna dump you really badly.

3. He dumped you, but still is still sleeping with you. plus, he cheated on you. he might get to his ex's bad in this way too... by telling her how much he missed him yadda yadda yadda (BULLS****) if he really misses you, he must have brought you flowers and presents to ask you back. Only thing he wanted from you was sex. (don't feel bad about it. he treats all the girls this way. you are still a beautiful wholesome woman. just you chose a wrong man! REMEMBER! YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO'S MUCH BETTER. KEEP TELLING THIS TO YOURSELF)

 

I see that you are very warmhearted and selfless woman. but don't let yourself be a doormat for that jerk. you are a beautiful inside out and deserve a guy like yourself who's nice and caring.

 

I understand that you already established a strong bond with his daughter. okay, it's sad to see her alone and sad. but her dad chose to leave you. plus, you are not her mother and not responsible for her at all.

 

you are 33 and might want to start your own family and have your own lovely daughter. save your energy for them. it will happen as soon as you walk away from this.

 

in this case, you should walk away completely. He's a terrible man.

 

I promise you. if you keep focusing improving yourself and life and focusing on your work, hobbies and friends, you will meet your soulmate soon. I promise.

 

please walk away from that jerk.

 

good luck

[critter909]

Doesn't sound good, seems like he is stringing you along because you help with his daughter and he hasn't found anyone else

[lorilynne]

Thank alialui! I know it's only been a day but I'm so scared that I closed this door. I feel like I did the right thing for both of us & his daughter but I think about how he's probably just moving on with this new woman with no regard for the pain he's put me through. I feel like he's probably happy I want NC because it makes it easier for him to be with other people (not that being with me stopped him).

 

I don't know...we were friends since high school and I'm used to talking to him. Everytime we broke up, we always continued to talk. So telling him I don't want to talk anymore feels weird. I keep hearing his voice before we last hung up. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else & I think he was crying. Maybe he didn't really meet someone new. But does that even matter with all the other history?

 

I'm not afraid I will break NC because I know I'm strong enough not to call, text or e-mail. But if he were to call, e-mail or text me...would I be strong enough not to respond? Or what if he never tries again...will I feel so sad that he hasn't? Can I feel worse?

[alialui]

Even if he was crying, it must be because he's losing someone who will be there for him whenever he wants and with whom he can have sex whenever he wants.

 

I don't know him in person but by reading your thread, it's obvious that he's a selfish jerk. Don't blame yourself on loving someone like that. Many girls fall for bad guys because they're unpredictable and hard to get, not because they are actually attractive.

 

Is he goodlooking, humorous and financially successful? very doubtful. you are attracted to this guy because you are an extremely nice and generous woman who is willing to help someone who has many flaws just like him.

 

but I see that you have a golden heart and a woman llike you deserves a guy who is as good as you.

 

I totally understand you miss him and want to hear his voice. but HE WAS USING YOU THE WHOLE TIME. whenever you miss him, tell yourself that he's a fraud and you deserve much better (OF COURSE YOU DO!!!)

 

As I told you, I believe in true love and soulmate. however, do you want your true love to be someone who's so self-centered, immature, cruel and manipulative? even worse, he doesn't even love you.

 

okay, I'll pray for you to meet someone who deserves a wonderful woman like you:)

[lorilynne]

Wow Alialui! You must have a gift for advice!

 

No he's not exceptionally attractive & I was often criticized by friends for dating him especially after things went south. He finances are also a mess! (but mine aren't that great either...lol!)

 

I just can't get past the thought that he's with this new person right now instead calling me all because I told him not to call me anymore.

 

My brain can rationalize all the reasons I should care...but I still get this empty feeling in my gut & start to cry when I think about never talking to him again.

 

I hate that he lied to me & feel so foolish for falling in love with someone capable of causing me such pain.

 

I thought I'd be okay with NC on my end...I guess because I figured he'd be calling and begging me to hear him out & take him back. But he's not! I guess he doesn't need to...he's with someone new!

[justaman99]

"Content". What a scrub. Lose this dude.

[alialui]

This kind of needy, egocentric person tends to string along people who seem naive and generous. but I guess he's either not contacting you for you, feeling bad about having used you (not likely, based on his personality) or met someone who is naive enough to be his next victim.

 

I really hope you to see this. He has been using you. He never gave you any respect, care and love you deserve. You should appreciate that you did not end up with him. because he will make any girl he's with be a wreck.

 

You are free! Life is supposed to be full of love, not pain and sorrow. I know you love him and care about him. Accept your current feelings and situations. this will pass as time goes and in the mean time, you will think like "what did I see in that ass****, I'm so happy that I started NC so that I could find my bf/husband."

 

have a faith, hon. you are a wonderful woman and if you go through this tough phase, you will be all calm and happy without him, and find your true soulmate who will treat you like a queen. I promise you!

 

plz do not pick up his call. changing your phonenumber is even better. it's the best way to get rid of a leech like him (excuse my language)

 

okay, have a good one!

[justine4]

You're a very strong woman lorilynne.

 

He sounds like he has definate commitment problems. How long where you together?

 

I've read up a whole pile of stuff recently on commitment phobic people, and narcissistic traits. From what you've described, his behaviour reflects this type of personality.

 

I'm sure you've felt like you've been on a rollercoaster this last while. Hopefully, thanks to your stance now, thats come to an end, and you can get on with a new chapter in your life.

[lorilynne]

Well I broke NC! He text this morning: "I still want to see you, but I know you want alot more than just that".

 

I waited a while & so he sent another that said: "cricket...cricket" I guess implying there was a silence since I didn't answer. I was just thinking that I wish he'd just be honest with me, so I replied.

 

I know I shouldn't have but this is what I said: "Deep down inside u know what's right. I can deal with ur confused & u need to be alone for a while to sort things out. But i won't be "one" of the women u spend time with. U have the perfect opportunity to do what's right 4 me. Confused? I deal...Dating other women & seeing me? Not fair & unsafe. Just tell me..."

 

Now I know I shouldn't have responded in the first place & shouldn't be shocked by his response...but here it goes: "Tell you what. Gonna go back to sleep now. I had to wake up to make some work related calls, that's only reason I was up. Gonna j**k off and sleep some more"

 

Yes...you read that right...that's what he said! I'm actually starting to get angry! & I'm not that person but what kind of a response is that. I think it's pretty black and white! I want to be with you or I want to be with other people.

 

What hurts the most is we've been friends for almost 15 years!!! The least he could do is tell the truth. I feel like if we ended this amicably & with some semblance of honesty...maybe somewhere down the line the idea of being with him again wouldn't repulse me. But right now even the thought of ever being friends again repulses me.

 

One of my friends says he's just buying time to try to come up with an answer that sound like he's being honest but still keep me in limbo...I think he'll just avoid ever answering.

 

Why do I care? "I'm going to j**k off and go to sleep" while I know your heart is being shredded by my amblivance!!! UGGGHHH HELP!

[melodymatters]

Oh I am SO sorry lori ! And i'm also sorry that I had to laugh at his reply : what a friggen tool !

 

You are right to be angry, now hold on to that anger to keep you strong !

 

I'd write more, but I have to go jerk off and take a nap

[lorilynne]

Thanks, Melodymatters! I actually laughed & out loud, too! It's been a while since that's happened!

[melodymatters]

Thanks, Melodymatters! I actually laughed & out loud, too! It's been a while since that's happened!

 

 

I'm so glad ! I am going through something myself with a complete azz maggot, and the only thing that is getting me through, is anger and humour !

 

You sound like a very cool person,welcome to LS ! I hope you stick around !

[justine4]

WOW! My jaw almost hit the floor when I read his text reply. What a complete and utter ................ (you can fill in a word, theres plenty to describe him, thats for sure).

 

Gameplaying at its cruelest. He tested the water, seeing if you'd respond. You didn't to the first one, which could have unsettled him and made him unsure where he stood with you.

 

Hence the second text, reminding you hes still there. You where decent enough to reply to him, and then wham bam - that most unbelievable text. Geez, he doesn't take your feelings into consideration at all.

 

On a positive note, you now know NC is def for you. Keep his text on your phone and if you're tempted to contact him, or if he contacts you again re-read it. You couldn't have a clearer, more stark reminder not to have anything more to do with him.

[lorilynne]

Thanks Justine4! I'm so mad...it's been 7 hours since the "i'm going to j**k off and get some more sleep." message. Why do I care if he responds? I'm smart enough to know that he's moved on (with the women he met days after dumping me I'm sure:() but I just really want him to admit it.

 

I swear I'm an intelligent women (college degree and all) but I just can't wrap my head around this behavior & from someone I went through so much for! 15 years of friendship, 2 years of dating, the death of his mom, divorces, break-ups, catching him cheating...the list goes on!

 

The advice here really helps (guess that's why this forum was created). I hate that I keep needing the reassurance that I don't need to get an answer from and shouldn't even want one.

 

He is a jerk, right? I mean outside of calling to say he was hospitalized for j**king off too much (and I'd ask to see the paperwork from the hospital ) what excuse is there for not just coming clean and saying..."hey, I'm seeing other people you should move on too"? Is that too much to ask? Or just too much to ask of a selfish prick like him?

[lorilynne]

He just text me: "I've been very busy, I'll call you later". Very busy doing what with whom?

 

I wish I had the guts to say: "Don't bother". I don't know why I don't have the guts to say that! I know he'll never commit, not to me, not to anyone.

 

I'm going out tonight...with his ex (his daughter's mom...you can read about her on my original thread above). She invited me to come watch her husband's band perform. I know I'll want to answer if he calls...of course I'm not holding my breathe that he will.

 

Any suggestions on how to see an ex calling and actually ignore it or not call it back? What do you all do? I already programmed him at "LIAR" but I don't think that's enough!

[alialui]

he doesn't love you and even if he does, you can do much better than him.

 

why don't you change your number? when i foudn out the guy i dated was a two-faced *******, I changed my phonenumber and moved on.

 

What can he help you on? get rid of him and move on. please

 

if he's doing something with some other girl, you should really thank her to take your old burden. the burden is gone. you are free!

 

p.s. - I really don't understand how this plain poor guy keeps getting girls.

[lorilynne]

Well, I ignored his calls Friday night!!! He called several times (all around 1 a.m.!) Booty call time! I actually went out that night with his ex (his daughter's mom)...GUESS WHAT? Got hit on...a lot! It actually felt kind of good to get some attention from men after the hell I've been through and after all he's done and said to bring me down! He last text me at 1:30 a.m. stating: "You suck for not answering your phone"

 

He called some more on Saturday morning & I still didn't answer. He text me asking why I wasn't answering my phone. He called some more that afternoon, sent me a text stating: "You know I still want to see you" & then called again and finally I answered. I spoke to hime for a little while but told him I was getting ready for a party I was throwing. He wanted to know who was going and why I was acting so weird and indifferent lately. I told him I wasn't but I'm just not going to wait around for him. He asked if I was h*rny & if I wanted him to come over the next morning (when he gets off work) to sex me up. I said "no" for the first time. He seemed kinda shocked!

 

He text me a few more times that night & called me first thing this morning. I spoke to him for a few minutes & called back ask me to dinner tonight. I said I'd go but only if I meet him there (no picking me up so no chance for sex). I know I probably shouldn't even meet up with him but I guess curiousity is getting the best of me!

 

I'm not going to yell, beg, or plead like I normally would. I'm going to pleasant but stearn about no sex & enjoy the fact just two nights ago...men were hitting on me & made me feel pretty. Not the way I feel after I spend time with him. I hope I'm strong enough to make this a good-bye dinner.

[alialui]

He doesn't deserve a good-bye dinner. he doesn't even deserve any reaction from you. guys were hitting on you, and i'm sure they are much better than your ex. (it's hard to be that bad. you loved him because you are a giver and he's helpless).

 

more guys will hit on you, you can just date them until you find someone special.

 

I started dating and I miss my ex, but i miss him because he was a great guy and treated me like a queen while we were dating. we broke up because of immaturity, not because someone was cheating on the other nor did something really ****ty.

 

in your case, he was being a total jerk and cheated on you.

 

don't go to the dinner. go to have dinner with a new guy or your friend.

 

please stop wasting your precious time. REMEMBER! you are a wonderful women and someone who's gonna treat you like a queen is waiting for you.

[lorilynne]

Well, it's been a while but I'm back. I did meet someone a few weeks ago. It's been tough dating him because I know I'm still in love with my ex but I've been very honest with him about it.

I still talk to my ex and even look forward to phone calls & text messages from it. What's wrong with me that makes feel that way? The guy I met is in the military and he's only here for another six weeks. He listens to me when I talk about my ex (I know your not supposed to do that but I can't help it). This new guy treats me like a queen! He told me that even if we don't end up together, he wants me to know how a woman should be treated so that I don't wind up back with my ex.

Can you believe that I can be so lucky to meet someone who just wants to show me how a woman should be treated and yet in the back of my mind I can't help but hope my ex will call or text?

I'm trying to remind myself that everytime I talk to my ex I wind up feeling worse. He says mean things. I text him the other day to ask him about an how to get somewhere and he called me. When I missed the exit I was supposed to take he repeatedly called me stupid. He apologized after but it hurt. Yesterday and today he's called me but only to find out what I'm up to. If I don't answer or respond to his text messages, he texts me "you suck".

The new guy texts me everyday calling me beautiful or gorgeous & wishes me a great day. He wants to hang out all the time, pay for everything & he affectionate.

Again, I ask...what's wrong with me! I still wish my ex would call. I know he'll never call & say he was wrong & I'm the perfect girl for him (you know Big & Carrie style from Sex and the City) and even if he did...I know he's done too much to ever forgive and forget.

In the mean time I'm dating this guy and hoping that during the remaining six weeks that he is here, I will get over my ex. I'm also a school teacher & when school starts back in September...I want to be over this! I want to start a new school year fresh with no ex drama!

[oregonbigc]

He will realize what he missed out on...........too late, by that time hopefully you have found someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. I know you have been thru a lot, but the way he has treated you is unacceptable. you will find someone so much better, hard to see now, but you will not regret leaving him.

 

Carson

[lorilynne]

Thank you Carson...what you said makes sense but it's nice to have a place where we can say all the things we might not say to our friends and family for fear they might not understand.

Thanks for the encouragement from everyone here!

[lorilynne]

So the ex starts calling me a lot telling me that he wants to change. I told him that we should just be friends. I told him that it's stupid for me to continue talking to/seeing him when we've already broken up. I told him that he couldn't be faithful when we were together so I it's crazy for me to believe for one second that he isn't seeing other people now, too. He of course, denied seeing anyone else but claimed to understand where I was coming from.

 

The next day he text me apologizing for everything he has ever done to hurt me. He calls me & tells me he feels so bad for everything & that he wants to talk more later that night. Of course, he doesn't call.

The next morning, I stupidly text him on my way to work stating "I thought you were going to call : (" I get a text back from his phone from HIS EX GIRLFRIEND!!! The one he cheated on me with! It says, "No, he can't call, he's to busy with me (then her name). I will always have his heart you stupid b***h."

 

Luckily, I didn't read the text til I left work at noon. I was infuriated! I know we are not together but this girl is a horrible person! She was a stripper turned escort!!! I called him & he played dumb...he said he spent the night at his friend's house and his friend sent that message as a joke. I knew he was lying and told him this. I started driving to his place completely enraged! He hung up with me (to call her I'm sure). Then he called me back telling me he got so drunk the night before he didn't know what he was doing.

 

While on the phone with him I arrived at his apartment & he left me in. Let me say, I am a non-violent person but I couldn't control myself. I've been asking him for the last year (since I caught him with her last year) if he's been in touch with her & he denied it. We have been intimate since we broke up & I am disgusted to know that he's been with her, too!

I began by slapping him twice. Then I hit and berated him for at least five minutes. I knocked over the trash can & beer bottles fell out. I picked them up and threw them at the walls, shattering them. I hit him until he hid in the bathroom. He came out later. Apologizing & swearing he would never see him again. I told him I thought he was disgusting. That he basically brought a prostitute into his home, the same home his daughter sleeps in!

 

I can't even tell you all everything I said. He's text me apologizing everyday saying that he's disgusted with himself & that he hates that he hurt me. I'm so mad. I'm mad at myself for acting the way I did though also. I've NEVER done anything like that!