v33 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 It's no secret that I took my break-up badly. My ego was hurt, my heart was hurt, I was lonely, I was forced to accept changes in my life. But what I found hardest, and I think some of you can relate, was constantly comparing my post break-up life to that of my ex's. I spent a lot of time obsessing on how she was so happy, how her life had changed, how in love she was, all the sex she was getting and giving to the new man, all the fun they must have learning about each other, etc. And then I would think how I am alone, doing the same routine, nothing has changed but she's gone, no sex, blah, blah. I tried NC, but I couldn't make it stick. I didn't really understand at the time how it could help, especially since I thought I wanted to keep my ex in my life and stay in hers somehow. Well she resisted pretty heavily. I have finally seen that if you are having a hard time accepting that they have moved on it's really best that you force yourself to see that they are gone for good and what they do does not matter at all as far as your life is concerned. That's where NC comes in. You want them to become a stranger. What they do should matter to you no more than what a random person on the street does. If you keep them in your life, well then they DO have the power to affect you. We do not want this. I was thinking about that this morning on the ride into work, looking at random people, and asking myself "Do I care how much sex this person is getting?" "Do I care if this person has a great life?", ok not to say I don't want people to be happy, but you get my drift. More to the point I was asking myself "Does it matter to my life or affect me if this random stranger is happier than me?". No, it doesn't. And you want to look at your ex that way. You need to get them out of your life and our of your head if you want to recover. No contact! I am starting to almost forget exactly how my ex looks, and I don't want to remember. I don't want to see her on the street and make the image fresh again. The sooner they become a distant memory the better, if you are looking to move on and put pain and jealousy behind you. They are a stranger now. They have no power over your life, and if they do it is because you allow them to live in your mind. You give them power. Refocus it on yourself.
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I was thinking about that this morning on the ride into work, looking at random people, and asking myself "Do I care how much sex this person is getting?" "Do I care if this person has a great life?", ok not to say I don't want people to be happy, but you get my drift. More to the point I was asking myself "Does it matter to my life or affect me if this random stranger is happier than me?". Excellent perspective Polite indifference is what we seek....
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 You are right on. Thinking about what they are doing and who with is torturing yourself. I think NC is the way to go also, whether you are even looking to reconcile or break it off completly. There are only so many things you can say and in so many ways, once you have made your point you need to leave the other person alone to decide. Live my life, not "our" life, it's not "our" life anymore anyway.
serendip Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 "Strange how some enter one's life for a moment or two, and then are gone, forever. And yet there is nothing accidental about such meetings." -Henry Miller
northstar1 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 You are right on. Thinking about what they are doing and who with is torturing yourself. I think NC is the way to go also, whether you are even looking to reconcile or break it off completly. There are only so many things you can say and in so many ways, once you have made your point you need to leave the other person alone to decide. Live my life, not "our" life, it's not "our" life anymore anyway. That is a fantastic way of putting it. I let my ex know exactly my feelings and what she had meant after we brokeup. Now it's time to move on let both of us live our lives, at least in the short term.
sailing Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Great post, I concur. I've been in strict NC since my break-up, over eight months now. In the beginning, it was nice to feel like I at least had that small measure of control in a situation I hadn't seen coming. In time, when your thoughts shift emphasis from them to you and you can begin to learn from the experience, the calm NC provides makes it easier to observe your own thoughts and feelings. And yet - I still battle with "comparing" in the way the OP described. Most of the time now I can think about my ex with detachment and even fondness, and I can see that I probably benefitted more than him from the break-up. But the comparisons never fail to bring me down, it's instantaneous - and I do feel like it's the last hurdle. I wonder what the mechanisms behind it are? Is it the last stand of the ego? Is it as simple as he's in a new relationship and I'm not?
kizik Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 In time, when your thoughts shift emphasis from them to you and you can begin to learn from the experience, the calm NC provides makes it easier to observe your own thoughts and feelings. I probably benefitted more than him from the break-up. Thanks for these insights.
CailinPig Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I understand what you're all saying. But at the same time, it hurts to think of my ex as just a stranger on the street. My three years knowing him were not unmeaningful. So, rather, for the sake of sanity, I'd like to think of my ex as someone who has a special place in my life, but who i put into a lil box and stored in the attic (not in a kidnapping kinda way, but rather, in a metaphorical way!!)
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 So, rather, for the sake of sanity, I'd like to think of my ex as someone who has a special place in my life, but who i put into a lil box and stored in the attic (not in a kidnapping kinda way, but rather, in a metaphorical way!!) I'm not there yet. I'm trying to block him out completely, any thoughts of him give me anxiety and make me depressed. Eventually I can probably think back to the good memories and him as a person but right now I'm just trying to block, block, block
Author v33 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I understand what you're all saying. But at the same time, it hurts to think of my ex as just a stranger on the street. My three years knowing him were not unmeaningful. That thought hurt me too, until I really saw that's what I am to her. And that, sadly, the memory of me and what we had now means nothing. I prefer it this way though....I don't want to cling to memories of someone who hurt me and doesn't want me.
iwish Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 That thought hurt me too, until I really saw that's what I am to her. And that, sadly, the memory of me and what we had now means nothing. I prefer it this way though....I don't want to cling to memories of someone who hurt me and doesn't want me. I totally agree, but it's bloody hard to just forget them. Believe me i'm trying and there is no easy way at all!
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