rproctor Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I have put myself in quite the situation lately, with concerns regarding my current relationship. I love her, but I dont feel right about being with her. I have a very hard time trusting her, and an even harder time accepting certain things about her. But at the same time, she is everything that I want in a woman, and she is the sweetest most amazing person I know... So why am I so torn? Everyone has a past, but I think that maybe her past is just too colorful for me to sweep under the rug? I dont know, sometimes its not such a big deal, but lately its overwhelming me. It feels like sometimes I begin to obsess about it, imagining all sorts of stuff, trying to piece the puzzle together with the vague stories she has told me... What do people do when there pasts dont match? I feel cheated, I feel stupid, and I feel inadequate... If the past was not that bad... I also recently found out that she was going out hanging out with her x bf months and months into our relationship, and she would lie to me about it or keep it from me... She said that they would just hang out with friends, but she would never invite me out with her when she would go out with him, and she would ditch out on me sometimes to go hang out with him. On one of our dates she left early to go see him, or to go "hang out" with him and his friends... This is also the same x bf that she stood me up for on our first date... I was on my way to go meet up with her, and on the drive there she tells me that she does not want to see me cause she wants to make it work with him... About a month later we started actually dating... Part of her past included cheating... Something which I feel very finicky about... People can make mistakes, but leopards cant change their spots... She showed me A LOT of dishonesty and lack of respect by going behind my back to hang out with her x... Am I wrong to be upset about this? Am I wrong to think that maybe she was cheating on me, even though she will cry a river and swear back and forth that nothing happened between them while she has been with me... I believe what she says, but... I dont believe the whole story... She seems so sincere, but this all just seems hard to take in, like its no big deal but I feel that its A HUGE deal... I would never in a million years would have thought that lieing to my gf to go see my x gf would be cool... Also, part of her past involved quite a few drunken hookups and a lot of drugs... While we were together she had continued to go get drunk with other men, and do drugs with other men, just weed that she had told me about... I dont think smoking weed would make her throw herself at another man.... But... She would go out alone with guys and get high, or go out with guys and get drunk... And these were things I was not included in... Even came home once and caught her smoking weed in the house with another guy who later I found out had a crush on her... Other guys she would hang out with she knew liked her but she did not feel it was a problem? I talked to her about all this, and said that she will stop... However,I think she only wants to stop because it makes me uncomfortable, not because she thinks its wrong or disrespectful to our relationship. I feel like she is walking all over me, and that she really just wants her cake and eat it too... I love her, but I never thought I would put up with stuff like this in a relationship... I feel so uneasy about the relationship, like at any minute I am going to find out something else, or the big truth is going to be spilled that she cheated on me... Or... I dont know... I almost feel like I am being over paranoid but at the same time I think I feel like this because she has given me reason to feel like this... We have talked about all this already, huge fights between us about this stuff... It ends up me saying mean hurtful things to her, she cries tells me that she is sorry and that she was wrong for what she did, then I end up apologizing and feeling bad for getting mad at her, then in a couple days all those horrible feelings come right back... Last time they came back was last Friday when I found a message on facebook saying that she had sex with a guy she went to a concert and got drunk with while we were together but when I confronted her she said that the guy was just joking and that it was not real... Help
EC Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I mean I think you pretty much answered your own questions. She stood you up on your FIRST date to try and work things out with her ex. Then lies about hanging out with him for MONTHS while you just started dating. I've seen friends of mine do this and their excuse is that they A: Met a great new guy but still wanted their ex so they clung to both to see what would happen. Or hang on to the new guy in case things didn't work out with the ex again. Kind of like when a monkey switches branches while swinging. They won't let go of one branch until they have a full grasp on another branch. B: They still wanted the ex and were trying to make him jealous with the new guy. Either way she likes to go out and get drunk and high with other guys. You sure this is everything you've ever wanted in a woman? You don't have any proof that she has done anything but she does sound very shady. There are just some things you don't do and that you let go of when you are in a serious committed relationship and I don't think she is ready. Anyways, when in doubt I always post on LS, or follow my gut lol I would suggest you go with your gut on this one.
t_veron Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I know where you're coming from and recently broke up with a girl with a shady past who liked to get drunk and high with other guys she swears are just friends and nothing else. They will want to change because you're their hope to a little stability in their lives but they won't look at you as a boyfriend just someone to turn to when they're feeling down. Only they can make themselves happy and that's through therapy and/or lots of time by themselves to reflect. If she's not doing that nothing will change. Change takes years of good habbits replacing bad. If you stay with her with relationship in mind you'll get screwed. If you leave there's a chance she'll realize what she lost and take 6months to a year to make changes in her life to try and win you back. Just don't hold your breath, she sounds a long way away from wanting to settle down in a healthy relationship. I also don't see you being ok with just being friends because you have feelings for her.
EC Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 T_Veron I agree. I was that girl and it's taken me almost a year reflecting to learn and change a couple of things and I still slip up and have waaaay more to go. But that's just me.
t_veron Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 T_Veron I agree. I was that girl and it's taken me almost a year reflecting to learn and change a couple of things and I still slip up and have waaaay more to go. But that's just me. You rock EC. At least you did something about it. Slipping up even I do, we all do but taking baby steps to always move forward is what matters. Tough for a guy or girl meeting the "party" person and falling for them. We want to help but in reality we screw things up. The more we help the more they resent us because they look to us for their happiness rather than realize only they can make themselves happy and another person can only add to it.
Author rproctor Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks you guys for your responses... This is a very difficult situation for me to deal with... You know, I pointed out a lot of the things that I am having a hard time dealing with, but I also did not mention all the good stuff that goes on in our relationship... Her and I get along on a whole different level... She gets me, and I get her... We laugh until we cry, we hold each other in our arms constantly, we have amazingly great sex, a lot, like everyday... A lot of things, like our creative sides, our spiritual sides, stuff like that we both hold very much in common... When I say that she is so much the everything I have ever wanted in a woman, I am not exaggerating... The things she tells me about these other guys is that they were her friends, some of her only friends, and when we got together she did not think that she needed to leave her friends behind... She said that she looked at them as friends, and she did not want to loose her friends... That is all they were... Well... I guess thats true, but I dont know why she needed to hang out with her X... I mean she has gf's she can hang out with... Ugh... Its just I want to start over with her, a clean slate... I want to imagine that none of this ever happened, that all the horrible stuff she told me about her past was a lie, that all her lies were not real, and that she loves me and only me and would never do anything to make me question that...
t_veron Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks you guys for your responses... This is a very difficult situation for me to deal with I dont know why she needed to hang out with her X... I mean she has gf's she can hang out with... Ugh... Its just I want to start over with her, a clean slate... I want to imagine that none of this ever happened, that all the horrible stuff she told me about her past was a lie, that all her lies were not real, and that she loves me and only me and would never do anything to make me question that... Hard to accept reality huh? You're still hurting so it's going to be a while before you accept it. Check this out... if she needs to hang out with the X usually means they're having sex. While guys care about numbers girls just want a regular and familiar sex partner. X's make the best partners because there was history and no drama because they usually leave their X's which means they've detached emotionally and will never re-attach. It's just sex. So even if you get back together and start over you're going to flip out again. If her past bugged you that much then imagine how it's going to bug you now especially now that she's most likely done more guys, more drugs, more pot, etc. STOP IT and move on. I don't want you to get hurt. But if you gotta see what happens for yourself let us know what happens. Promise I won't say told ya so
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