carrot10 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Hi everyone! I am getting so frustrated in my relationship. I have been exclusively dating my "bf" for 10 months. I can't seem to get him to open up to me. He is very affectionate and makes plans all the time but emotionally he is very distant. He is late forties and never been married or in very long relationships. I was married for 11 yrs. I am a "good catch" and don't want to waste my time with something that isn't going to go anywhere. But I don't want to give up on this. He has a very hard time trusting and I'm trying to be patient. Our sex life is starting to affect my self esteem. I want to be happy. HELP!
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Give me some examples. I've heard numerous times that I am emotionally "smothering" so I might be able to share some of my experience as well as learn a bit about the other side. How do you define emotional intimacy?
Author carrot10 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Well, I guess when we first got together alot of people put ideas in my head ( I know shouldn't have listened but once they opened their mouth!) They all said "be careful..He's never been married there's a reason, he likes his freedom, let him have his space etc.. So I did. I am naturally a curious person and if I'm in a relationship I like to be involved in the person's life. Due to all the "insight" I didn't ask him any questions about anything! I didn't want to invade his space. This left me to my own imagination. I have tried to talk to him about some things and he says" don't worry about anything" I told him I was in love with him about 4 months ago and he said "I've known that for awhile" GREAT ANSWER I guess this is my fault for acting like I was cool about everything and not rocking the boat. I just want to start over:confused:
Shygirl15 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Carrot, Guys from around 40yrs onwards don't really open up their emotions and feelings to a woman, I have noticed. I was even discussing this with a colleague of mine, and she had the same views. I guess this is a result of their trust being broken one too many times. I once was dating a 42yrs old, who never opened up. He, also would make romantic plans and everything, but I never knew what went on in his head, and how he felt for me. I'm the type that needs some assurance to keep me going, so it all became too much for me to handle. Assess, your situation, if he's overall a good person, then you might want to give him a chance.
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Guys from around 40yrs onwards don't really open up their emotions and feelings to a woman, I have noticed. I was even discussing this with a colleague of mine, and she had the same views. I guess this is a result of their trust being broken one too many times. The nice thing about standards are the exceptions, yes? Look for those I could opine similarly about the women in my age group. Interesting how that works...
Jilly Bean Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 He is late forties and never been married or in very long relationships. If I knew this about a guy, I wouldn't even bother to get involved with him. All the red flags were waving all around you. Did you think you would change him? Because guys like this DON'T. He's almost 50, never married, nor LTR's, and it's for very good reasons. Now you are realizing what they are. Cut bait, girl.
Author carrot10 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I know! I was finally going to date and have fun-my divorce was final-then I get introduced to my bf by a good friend. She says he's the nicest guy, I questioned her a little about his past. She says he just hasn't found "the one". Nothing wrong with him. She hasn't found "the one" either and she is almost 40. He came on really strong and I fell for it bigtime! All the neglect from my marriage made me a prime canidate for someone to snap me up. Fast forward 10 months, you are right Jilly, I should have ended it at the beginning. My daughter is at her dad's for the summer, I just want to have fun and date and laugh not stress about some guy that I probably have no real future with. I'm so annoyed with myself
Author carrot10 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Carhill, weren't you in your 40's when you got married? What made you decide to do get married?
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Carhill, weren't you in your 40's when you got married? What made you decide to do get married? I was 41 when I got married. I had long wanted a family (read children). For a long time, I had unresolved feelings for an old female friend (read my journals). I also had no cogent understanding of my emotional/psychological makeup, one which made it difficult to be attractive to the women I sought out as partners. Bla, bla Sadly, I married a woman who was emotionally unavailable. She's trying, with the help of MC, but my love died a number of years ago, during the time I cared for my mother. My work continues Hence, I can identify, though the genders are reversed, with the OP. If such is vital to one, enormous feelings of emptiness result. Such is my path, for now.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I'm thinking George Clooney. Some men are prone to staying single. It's in their mindset I suppose.
Jilly Bean Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Carhill, weren't you in your 40's when you got married? What made you decide to do get married? Yes, but he was also a virgin until he was 35. Not a slam, Carhill, as I am sure you had your reasons, but to the OP, the point is that Carhill was a very late bloomer in a lot of arenas... Carrot, I still think it's wise to let him go. There is a reason why people are single into their 40's, and the surface answer is that they haven't met the right person, but the reality is that there is a much deeper pathology there that you don't even want to touch. Years ago, I met a man who was EVERYTHING you would want in a guy. Attractive, athletic, tall, all his own hair - lol, great job, stable, FUN as hell, sexy, great kisser, came from a good family, called when he said he would, etc. We dated and I never felt like things were progressing, so I dropped him. Here it is, 6 years later, and he is STILL single, and still working through his issues. He calls me a few times a year, always the same BS. It's so sad, as he is SO awesome, but I learned LONG ago how profoundly damaged he is. He is now 44 years old, BTW. Never married, no kids, still lives with his brother in an apartment, and is no closer to his "romantic goals" than he was 6 years ago. Then again, neither am I - lol!
imbewildered Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Hi everyone! I am getting so frustrated in my relationship. I have been exclusively dating my "bf" for 10 months. I can't seem to get him to open up to me. He is very affectionate and makes plans all the time but emotionally he is very distant. He is late forties and never been married or in very long relationships. I was married for 11 yrs. I am a "good catch" and don't want to waste my time with something that isn't going to go anywhere. But I don't want to give up on this. He has a very hard time trusting and I'm trying to be patient. Our sex life is starting to affect my self esteem. I want to be happy. HELP! So what exactly has he done to warrant such dissatisfaction from you.. Look at the facts. Yuu have a man in your life, presumably he is not a liar or a cheater and is not a criminal and he sleeps with you too ! THis is much more that most women have in your situation.
carhill Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Yes, but he was also a virgin until he was 35. Not a slam, Carhill, as I am sure you had your reasons, but to the OP, the point is that Carhill was a very late bloomer in a lot of arenas...Absolutely agree. Still blooming (and thank you for reading my journals)
imbewildered Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Years ago, I met a man who was EVERYTHING you would want in a guy. Attractive, athletic, tall, all his own hair - lol, great job, stable, FUN as hell, sexy, great kisser, came from a good family, called when he said he would, etc. We dated and I never felt like things were progressing, so I dropped him. Here it is, 6 years later, and he is STILL single, and still working through his issues. He calls me a few times a year, always the same BS. It's so sad, as he is SO awesome, but I learned LONG ago how profoundly damaged he is. He is now 44 years old, BTW. Never married, no kids, still lives with his brother in an apartment, and is no closer to his "romantic goals" than he was 6 years ago. Then again, neither am I - lol! You two sound perfect for each other.
Author carrot10 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I know, imbewildered, I should be and am grateful for him in my life. I guess I just don't want to put so much into something that I don't know for sure. I know there are no guarantees but I want some kind of sign that I'm not going to be just another girl on his long list. Am I being selfish wanting more from him? Jilly, you are right but I do love this guy. My mom says take it day by day. She learned that by marrying her soul mate at age 60 and having him die of cancer 2 years later. I can't let go of him.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I dated a guy who was 47 and had never been married when I was 34. It didn't work out, but not because of the age. We were just really different people, and we are still friends. EVERYONE said he was too old, emotionally damaged, perma-bachelor, etc. He is now getting married to the most wonderful woman and is SO perfect for him. It was like they were made for each other.
Author carrot10 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Thanks, Cherry! I hope I'm doing the right thing
Jilly Bean Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I know, imbewildered, I should be and am grateful for him in my life. I guess I just don't want to put so much into something that I don't know for sure. I know there are no guarantees but I want some kind of sign that I'm not going to be just another girl on his long list. Am I being selfish wanting more from him? Jilly, you are right but I do love this guy. My mom says take it day by day. She learned that by marrying her soul mate at age 60 and having him die of cancer 2 years later. I can't let go of him. Yes, but love isn't enough. That was the point of my tale of the guy who was damaged then, and still is. Just because one isolated bachelor gets married at 47, doesn't mean that yours is capable of the same. The big thing to remember here is that you're not dealing with a guy who has just never been married because he hasn't found THE ONE and has had successful LTR's. He is also someone who has not had any long-term relationships. That's very telling. You wrote that you feel like you can't ask him anything about his life, for fear of rocking the boat or upsetting him or invading his space. What kind of a relationship is that? Carhill - never read your blogs, but perhaps I should! The comment truly wasn't a blast. I think you're a wonderful poster and always have a nice gentle touch.
Balthazar Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I think you should listen to mom, carrot. The fact that this guy hasn't married or been in LTR's doesn't mean it will never happen. If you stop, what is in effect, a perfectly good relationship and find out 6 months from now that he is married, how will you feel? No, you should follow your feelings on this matter.
Jilly Bean Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 If you stop, what is in effect, a perfectly good relationship and find out 6 months from now that he is married, how will you feel? Yes, but its NOT a pefectly good relationship, thats the reason she posted. He wont open up to her, and she walks on eggshells afraid to ask him anything personal since he doesnt like to share details of his life. That doesn't sound like a very healthy dynamic to me, does it to you?
Trialbyfire Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 carrot, some people are satisfied by superficial emotions, where others need a deeper connection aka real intimacy. You decide which type of relationship makes you happy and run with it.
audrey_1 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Years ago, I met a man who was EVERYTHING you would want in a guy. Attractive, athletic, tall, all his own hair - lol, great job, stable, FUN as hell, sexy, great kisser, came from a good family, called when he said he would, etc. We dated and I never felt like things were progressing, so I dropped him. Here it is, 6 years later, and he is STILL single, and still working through his issues. He calls me a few times a year, always the same BS. It's so sad, as he is SO awesome, but I learned LONG ago how profoundly damaged he is. Uh oh, sounds like this could be the future of my current dating situation.
Balthazar Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Yes, but its NOT a pefectly good relationship, thats the reason she posted. He wont open up to her, and she walks on eggshells afraid to ask him anything personal since he doesnt like to share details of his life. That doesn't sound like a very healthy dynamic to me, does it to you? A lot of guys do not open up emotionally. Not even after years of marriage. In my last serious relationship, my GF always complained that I seem cold and distant at times. She said I seemed downright hostile on the phone! Yet, there was nothing wrong with the relationship. She just wanted something I could not offer(it wasn't in me)! We broke up, but that was due to health reasons rather than other issues.
Jilly Bean Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Yet, there was nothing wrong with the relationship. She just wanted something I could not offer(it wasn't in me)! Well, isn't that a problem in itself, B? And I don't think the not opening up is confined to men. Plenty of women have the same blockages. I know I prefer a lot of intimacy in a relationship. I WANT to share the deep, dark secrets, I WANT to know what you had for lunch - lol. When I date a guy and he throws up those boundaries early on, it's been my experience that it doesn't get better. As you said B, it just wasn't in you...
Balthazar Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Well, isn't that a problem in itself, B? And I don't think the not opening up is confined to men. Plenty of women have the same blockages. I know I prefer a lot of intimacy in a relationship. I WANT to share the deep, dark secrets, I WANT to know what you had for lunch - lol. When I date a guy and he throws up those boundaries early on, it's been my experience that it doesn't get better. As you said B, it just wasn't in you... It was a problem for her Jilly, but not one that would lead to the ending of the relationship. It wasn't a deal buster by a long shot. As for myself, I didn't see it as a problem, rather it was just the way I was/am. It would be like criticizing me for being white, or having light brown hair. Some people are more emotional, more communicative while others are not. Who's to say which is right or wrong?
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