JustMarried Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 And sex is already fading... I could really use some advice here... I was just married about 27 days ago, and my wife has only had sex with me 8 times, two of which were on the night of the wedding, and 3 more were during the honeymoon. I guess some background would be helpful. She was a virgin when we were married, and when we met she let me know this fact when we first started dating 2 1/2 years ago. I was 27 and had never had to wait before (at least that long), she was 22. I hear that most couples have sex more times in their first year than they have the rest of their marriage. I don't want to have sex 4 times a year the rest of my life. We have talked, but she doesn't know why she has a low drive and while talking helps a little bit psychologically, it does nothing to solve whatever the problem is. Also, it takes her forever to get "warmed" up. I have to basically give her "pre-foreplay" before we move on to foreplay because she is extremely sensitive in those areas. When she does have an orgasm, I can't touch her down there. This means either I have to stop having sex, or, if she is feeling extra nice, she lets me finish at discomfort to her. It takes me awhile to Orgasm (sometimes >30 mins), so this becomes a problem too. I don't know what to do. Is there something that can be done, or was I foolish in marrying a woman I dearly love, but are completely sexually incompatible and should have tried to figure that out before we married?
saraispiel19 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 oh sheesh she was a virgin give her a little break she's new to the whole thing and it'll take some time as for you gosh it must be frustrating. are you both open about sex or does she not like to talk about it?-- i suggest you tell her whats going on and maybe go to a sex therapist in order to get things straightened out in the bedroom :-) goodluck to ya!
Author JustMarried Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 are you both open about sex or does she not like to talk about it?-- i suggest you tell her whats going on and maybe go to a sex therapist in order to get things straightened out in the bedroom :-) We've talked about it several times since we got married (and several times before). I might see if she wants to see a therapist.
saraispiel19 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 We've talked about it several times since we got married (and several times before). I might see if she wants to see a therapist. sex therapists work not only will they help you better communicate with eachother they will improve your sex life and help you find neat positions and she'll open up a lot more (your wife) and you'll find out what she's into and vise versa.. first try talking about it and if she's the type to get uncomfy and walk away then later suggest to her that you do want to see a sex therapist because you believe that she is holding back and you are not satisfied with your sex life and would like a mediator in order to have a conversation since it'll be the only way she'll actually listen to you and not walk away good luck to ya justmarried... try not to resort to porn although your wife may say its okay (which is rare) it's not the best option it dulls your "senses" and well the next time you do it you'll be wondering why it isn't like "full blown out part IV" (i just made that title up so it's not real) :-) happy humpings
Keridan Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 JustMarried, you need to be patient. To her, sex is something new, scarey, and possibly painful. Not only that, she is probably afraid that if she doesn't meet up to the standards she thinks you have for her, she is failing you as a wife in the first month. I would suggest spending time looking for other forms of intimacy. Maybe she's not up to sex all the time, but she might like to play around a bit and be willing to ease your tension another way. It's good that you take your time to make sure she is "warmed up", but maybe sometimes just settle for her helping you out. At least until she has a chance to deal with all these new emotions and physical reactions. Btw, don't assume you are sexually incompatible! If you have had some experience, you have to know that it gets better when you have taken the time to learn what someone likes and what you like from them. It's part of getting to know each other. Now you have been together for a while, but you have only been having sex for a month. I hope it all works out well for you.
porter218 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Be patient with her, she only has 27 days of experience. If you could wait 2 years with no sex, then why is 8 times in 27 days now not enough:confused:? You just have to teach her slowly how to enjoy sex, she will warm up in time. However you need to be careful not to make this an issue, this could dampen her libido if she thinks you are really disappointed. It is really good that you are taking your time with foreplay. With the sensitivity issue maybe sometimes you should keep her on the brink until you you have been satisfied then finish her last..so all parties are happy.
Marine_Wife87 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I completely know where your coming from. When I meet my husband he was a virgin and I wasn't. We dated for two years and the sex was amazing until we got married, now I am lucky to get anything once a week and honestly its killing me, I could have sex 3 times a day and it wouldn't be enough. I have asked him whats wrong and he also says he doesn't know, so I don't know what to tell you about how to fix the problem, but if you figure it out please let me in on the secret.
Keridan Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Marine_Wife87, I have had that problem from the other end before. I had a girlfriend before that always wanted sex and it actually led to the point that I avoided it. I actually had to take care of myself, so it wasn't a matter of desire. This was incredibly hard on me, because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. A guy is supposed to be the begger, right? Well, it took me a while to figure out that it was that very fear of disappointing that caused a lot of the issues. If I couldnt do it enough, why tease and do it all. I felt like I was just going to disappoint her again. I would suggest that you ask him if he's feeling too much pressure. Encourage him to realize that you want whatever you can get and won't be disappointed if that is limited. If he's up to it, try something new, see if you can get him excited to go again a few times. Sometimes it's just a matter of breaking the pattern. Most of all, make sure he is comfortable and not worried that there is some way he is disappointing you. And bear in mind, this has nothing to do with prowess in bed. It's emotional and has more to do with a general feeling of inadequacy. Hope that helps at all. I'm no counselor, but thought you might like the other side of that one.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Be patient with her, she only has 27 days of experience. If you could wait 2 years with no sex, then why is 8 times in 27 days now not enough:confused:? You're completely ignoring the OP's stated concerns. I don't think most newlywed men would feel that sex 1-2X a week fortold a happy future. Your advice to him to just "not make this an issue" guarantees that he'll be posting here about his dissatisfaction 20 years from now... Mr. Lucky
Keridan Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 We said to be patient, not to avoid working on the problem. The idea would be to get her into it before setting expectations. How were you your first few times? Would Ron Jeremy have stood up and clapped or would a cat show more grace when thrown into the bath tub? You can't just assume because she's nervous or freaked out or in pain the first month that sex will always continue at that rare pace. Not to mention that his post also showed concern for her not enjoying it. However, you do have a point. The simple answer would be that 1-2x a week or more is a good sign for things to come. This answer sounds negative, but I actually usually enjoy yer posts, Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 This answer sounds negative, but I actually usually enjoy yer posts, Mr. Lucky Thanks, Keridan . I guess I felt that some posters were implying that it was entirely his adjustment to make. Beyond the OP's statement that his W had declared herself to have a "low drive", there's not much indication that she also sees the need to have some active role in the solution. I guess his description of her saying that intercourse had to cease once she had her orgasm seemed a little selfish to me... Mr. Lucky
Keridan Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I see your point, but he also did mention that sometimes she tries to let him finish too. There is some consideration there, which is a start. There definately needs to be work on both sides, however! Patience is pointless without progress. Hopefully, though, she will get past her issues as he works with her.
D-Lish Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks, Keridan . I guess I felt that some posters were implying that it was entirely his adjustment to make. Beyond the OP's statement that his W had declared herself to have a "low drive", there's not much indication that she also sees the need to have some active role in the solution. I guess his description of her saying that intercourse had to cease once she had her orgasm seemed a little selfish to me... Mr. Lucky Yeah, that does sound a tad bit selfish. I actually enjoy sex so much better immediately following my orgasm. Is it perhaps better to use lots of lube first to have sex, then give her an orgasm after the sex? Or does she insist on having the orgasm first. If she remained a virgin until marriage, she obviously has some strong convictions with regards to sex. Some religious upbringings associate sex with feeling guilty, and it becomes a mental thing for some of those people. Not sure of her background. I know my ex husband was catholic and he had so many conflicted feelings about sex. There were a whole lot of feelings of guilt and shame to work though. This may not be the case here though. Regardless, it's important to keep talking to one another about it. Sexual reciprocation is very important to a healthy marriage. Good luck!
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