Sydder223 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 My gf and I had been together for over 3 years, and we were talking about marriage and attended a wedding of her cousins together. Our relationship hasn't had many problems, with a few minor quirks here and there about differences, but we had always worked through them in the past. We were each others first serious relationship, first kiss, both lost our virginity to each other... real romantic stuff. About a week ago she told me that she wanted to take a break to see if I was really right for her. I asked her if it felt right, and she said yes, but she was afraid that she could never really know if she didn't try being single and dating other people. Needless to say, I was crushed... The love of my life was telling me she wanted to be with other men. But she wanted to stay in contact with me. She thought maybe we could just set a period of time (2 months) and at the end of it she could make her decision. I gave this some thought, and then a few days ago I decided that isn't what I want. I am an amazing person and have always been true to her, even when other women have shown interest in me. I told her that we needed to break up, but the next day she sent me a text which said "How was horseback riding? how are you? I still care." This gave me a glimmer of hope, and we talked on the phone for awhile. Needless to say, my hope was gone, she said she still needed to be single to figure stuff out. She also got mad at me for trying to hold her back from what she needs to do. I could tell she was getting annoyed, so I decided to make the decision for both of us, since it was clear she is very confused right now and really doesn't know what she wants. I told her it's over, and that I didn't want to talk to her. She said a lot of things like "I will always care for you, and are you sure this is the right decision, and instead of saying goodbye, can't we say I'll see you later?" But I wouldn't have any of it. I just simply sent "Goodbye ____, I hope you find what you are looking for." and didn't respond after that. Is there anything else I can do? Or do I just have to wait for fate to decide if she was the one for me or not. Believe me, I would love to have her in my life again, she was my best friend. I saw her as the mother of my kids, the woman I would grow old with... but there is no way for me to be with her right now, is there? Should I have handled this differently? I am also thinking about contacting her again in 2-3 months to see where she is at. I know something pretty romantic I can do, which would mean a lot to both of us. Lol, can you tell that I over-think things? I just feel like this is a very important time in our relationship, and I need to execute everything perfectly if I want her back in my arms. I've also had 3 of my male friends from college go through the exact same thing. When their girlfriend was transitioning from high school to college they broke up with my friends, and I always thought "that will never happen to ____ and I, we care about each other more than so-and-so." Is there some reason women feel the need to search for greener pastures when the very thing they want is there staring them in the face? It seems very illogical to me... I need to go on dates with people that aren't right for me so I can make sure you are right for me. It's just insane. Finally, I'm not sure how much time I should give her. I'm what would be called a "good" catch (in my opinion anyway). I'm smart, athletic, attractive, caring, honest, trustworthy, funny, etc. How long should I wait before I start dating again? Oh yeah, I should also mention that we both have jobs which are pretty demanding of our time (hers more than mine, she works 7 days a week as a camp councilor.) Could this just be that since she is busy with other things, she isn't wanting to also have to deal with me? I wish I could read her mind, so I could figure out what she wants, because she can't even seem to do that.
BrownBear Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I get the feeling from your post that if you stick to strict NC , the girl will come back. It's really IMPORTANT that you dont contact her - if youre in her life it wont give her a chance to realize how great you are, she will only realize this when you disappear off the face of the planet. Don't under any circumstances drunk dial her, beg, cry, become needy e.t.c. this will do nothing but drive her away. You must keep the faith! Live your life in the meantime - become an even better catch than you already are. BrownBear
sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Hey bro I just want to give you some of MY opinions. I think very differently from most men I believe. Anyways, first off, I dont think you should have the "fate" thing in your head and just wait until "fate" decides what should happen. You two were together for OVER 3 years, and she just now decides she needs to find out if you are the right one?? Ridiculous. My response to her, if I were you, would be "See-ya bye". I would go no contact for however long I needed to get over her. This situation; "i need to see other men to see if I really love you, then at the end after I ****ed 10 other dudes, I decide I want to be with you, you will take me back" is insane. So, if she had sex with other men...what would you say? Could you get back with her after what she did? I know I couldnt, and I wouldnt talk to her, even on the internet, with a ten foot pole as my key typer. I think here are your options: A. Say 'ok' to all of this, and NC for two months, then call and ask if she made a decision. (Ridiculously stupid) B. Say, "crap on this little plan you have. After 3 yrs, you should NOT need to see if I am the right one for you. Have a nice life, see-ya bye. Oh, btw, please do not contact me whatsoever until I contact you, whichever is first." C. Go along with her crap plan, but do what you want. Go **** ten other women. Get experienced with other people. Hell, you might even find one that is better than ur ex. If at the end of 2 months and she tells you she wants you, then you can be back with her, AFTER meeting many different women and enjoying their company. If she doesnt want to be with you, then you are still good, because you call one of your fav women who you met during the 'break' LOL The decision is obviously yours, I just hope to god, from one man to another, you do not pick Option A.
Stockalone Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 About a week ago she told me that she wanted to take a break to see if I was really right for her. I asked her if it felt right, and she said yes, but she was afraid that she could never really know if she didn't try being single and dating other people. Most of the time, that means they already have another person in mind that they want to date or are already seeing someone else. I gave this some thought, and then a few days ago I decided that isn't what I want. I am an amazing person and have always been true to her, even when other women have shown interest in me. I told her that we needed to break up, but the next day she sent me a text which said "How was horseback riding? how are you? I still care." This gave me a glimmer of hope, and we talked on the phone for awhile. Needless to say, my hope was gone, she said she still needed to be single to figure stuff out. She also got mad at me for trying to hold her back from what she needs to do. She gets mad because you are holding her back. It's not like she is considering your feelings. She wants this relationship solely on her terms. You don't want her to date other people, but she is still adamant about going through with it. She is telling you that she wants to see if she can find someone better and if not, she expects you to be there when she comes back. How do you feel about being a fallback option? I could tell she was getting annoyed, so I decided to make the decision for both of us, since it was clear she is very confused right now and really doesn't know what she wants. I told her it's over, and that I didn't want to talk to her. She said a lot of things like "I will always care for you, and are you sure this is the right decision, and instead of saying goodbye, can't we say I'll see you later?" But I wouldn't have any of it. I just simply sent "Goodbye ____, I hope you find what you are looking for." and didn't respond after that. Good, that shows her that you won't let her walk all over you and that her decisions will have consequences. You need to stay firm on this. Do not contact her during the two months she requested. Is there anything else I can do? Or do I just have to wait for fate to decide if she was the one for me or not. Believe me, I would love to have her in my life again, she was my best friend. I saw her as the mother of my kids, the woman I would grow old with... but there is no way for me to be with her right now, is there? Should I have handled this differently? I am also thinking about contacting her again in 2-3 months to see where she is at. I know something pretty romantic I can do, which would mean a lot to both of us. Lol, can you tell that I over-think things? I just feel like this is a very important time in our relationship, and I need to execute everything perfectly if I want her back in my arms. There is nothing wrong with being in love that much, but you should think long and hard about whether she is worth such unconditional love from you or not. Do you want her back in two months, regardless of what she did in those months? If the answer is yes, then by all means, plan that romantic thing and try to get her back in two months. If, on the other hand, you would not take her back after she did more than just date other guys, then I don't think you should contact her in two months. She is the one who wanted the break. Why would you chase her after that. If she comes to the conclusion that she wants you back, then wait and see if she comes to you. If she doesn't come back, you know she moved on and then you can move on too. If she does come back, you can try to find out what she did and if that is acceptable to you or not. And only after that make the decision if you want her back or not. It seems very illogical to me... I need to go on dates with people that aren't right for me so I can make sure you are right for me. It's just insane. I absolutely agree with you, it is insane. Finally, I'm not sure how much time I should give her. I'm what would be called a "good" catch (in my opinion anyway). I'm smart, athletic, attractive, caring, honest, trustworthy, funny, etc. How long should I wait before I start dating again? If she can see other people, so can you. If that is what you want, that is.
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 You should definetly go NC. She will call you. Give yourself a timeline of how long you'll wait before moving on and stick to it. You don't seem like the type of guy to want this girl back after she has been sleeping around, but give her the benefit of a doubt, she will miss you.
Author Sydder223 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I'm not concerned so much that she will sleep around, shes not that type of girl, and I know she isn't ready to do that. I have a good idea of what she wants to do, she wants to be flirty and maybe go on a few dates, kind of test the waters with other guys. She's a good girl, that is, if she is who I think she is. Either way, should I just move on and get back into the dating scene? I just turned 20 today and I don't want to waste my life waiting.
lorilynne Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I think we maybe experiencing similar emotions right now...so I felt obligated to reply! First of all, I know how confused you must feel and I am sorry you are going through this. Secondly, I really don't think you should focus on any romantic attempts to get her back in a few months. If you spend this time thinking about how to get her back...then you're not doing what you should which is focusing on you! Also, if you make your grand gesture in a few months, and she still doesn't want to be with you...then you will be dumped all over again & be back a step one! I know it's hard but it's her job to move mountains to get back together with you...and move mountains she must! She hurt you & you would have to be absolutely positive that she's not going to do that again. You can't get that kind of assurance if you work your way back in her life & make it easy for her. She needs to do the convincing & it shouldn't be made easy for her. Of course, if you read my thread you might think I can give the best relationship advice...but I'm better at giving than following! Best of luck...maintain NC! You can do it!
cyabye Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I don't think you know this girl as well as you thought. You didn't think she would breakup with you (like what happened to your college friends). She is very capable of sleeping with God knows how many guys while you sit at home waiting for her to finish. You know what you HAVE to do. cyabye
fetish Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Yeah i'd stay N/C for a while. She will come back. At times you'll be sitting around wondering but eventually she will find her way back. It's important to let her find out how much she misses you.
sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I don't think you know this girl as well as you thought. You didn't think she would breakup with you (like what happened to your college friends). She is very capable of sleeping with God knows how many guys while you sit at home waiting for her to finish. You know what you HAVE to do. cyabye TOTALLY, 100% agreed. I thought I knew my ex gfs to the T...and Im not joking or exaggerating...then they turn around and did something ridiculous that I had no idea they could possibly do, or wanted to do. Just watch your back.
theobserver Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I don't think you know this girl as well as you thought. You didn't think she would breakup with you (like what happened to your college friends). She is very capable of sleeping with God knows how many guys while you sit at home waiting for her to finish. You know what you HAVE to do. cyabye Can't agree more you don't know her my friend. We don't really know anyone fully, we may know tendancies from being with someone a long time and certain behaviour but that is only with us. You can't read her mind and when she said she wanted to see other people to decide if she wants to be with you (lmfao) you didn't even see it coming. Make no mistake in your mind she's checking out other guys, will have some dates and possibly sleep around. I don't believe in people who will say things like let her get it out of her system then she'll come back to the real prize . This aint no open relationship, you weren't no swingers. Don't have it in your mind that she will come back. It's very possible she may try to contact you realising what she's lost but I hope by then your not so whipped and have moved on. I respect you alot because you had the balls early on to smell bullsh*t and initiate NC. At the moment it seems she wanted to play the field but still have you for emotional support due to history. Best of luck from here on.
frd150 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 What are her friends like? They can have a huge influence on what she does now. The ex that brought me to this site became close friends with a girl that influences her in a not so good way, if you know what I mean?
Tripper Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 OP, you've got a lot of opinions as to what do to.. NC/dump her etc. etc. but there is IMHO some deeper issues you need to look at. Many years ago when I was your age, I went through similar crap with a gf. Now I realize some of the possible reasons.... You've been together for 3 1/2 years. That puts you at 17 or so when you started dating. During this period both of you have changed, matured and possibly grown apart. More power to those who can stay together for a lifetime from those early years, but most people want and need to explore other aspects of life, including new relationships. The whole reason for dating a variety of others (not necessarily sleeping with them) is to be able to determine what sort of a life partner you want, what qualities and what values are important to you. If in fact all she wants to do is flirt around and go on some dates, then you have little choice but to acquiesce and also have the right to do so yourself. If there is intent to reconcile in the future then you need to set up some ground rules. Such as the time frame in which you will be kept hanging... and NO HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE. If she agrees to such ground rules maybe, just maybe, you may get back together. If she doesn't then the best you can do is wish her a good life and move forward. Painful as it seems, having this happen now is better than having it happen after you've been married for 5 years and you get the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech... or finding out she's having an A. Or both and you've got a child or one on the way.
Author Sydder223 Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks for all the responses, it's interesting to see the variance in what everyone thinks I should do. Her friends are all good people, and they all really like me, so there isn't really any outside influence besides a guy she met at camp, who seems to be a real loser. He actually said to her "Wow you've been in the same relationship for 3 1/2 years? How can you be sure he's the right guy?" Apparently she bought into it or something. I guess it's true I don't really know what my ex will do, but if she is who I think she is, she will come back. If she isn't, she's not good enough for me anyway.
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