My wife and her boss

[0plus2is1]

I came here to throw my situation on the wall and see what other people's opinion and advice might be. The more I see people's reactions - the more I realize how crazy this situation is. When we're together - things usually seem fine unless she's grumpy or moody and then that makes me fall apart. When I'm away from her, my nerves are shot and I can't focus on anything.

 

I just want out and I want get this thing exposed so they don't damage anymore people.

[Owl]

Beyond you, his wife, and your children...who are they going to damage besides themselves?

 

Telling his wife makes good sense. Letting her work through taking actions to minimize the damage to her child is good. Taking your own actions to protect yourself and your/your wife's child are good.

 

Beyond that...waste of time and effort.

 

If you wanted to reconcile your marriage, there are potential reasons to 'expose' the affair.

 

But further exposure without that intent is a waste of time/effort/focus...and pretty much useless.

 

First thing...what, EXACTLY, do you want out of this?

 

Reconcile or divorce?

 

Once that is crystal clear, your next steps also crystalize.

[0plus2is1]

For everyone who is advocating running out and telling his wife - let's think about this for a second.

 

So I call her up and say: "Listen to this story I have for you - the only proof I've had is from someone's mouth and educated suspicians"? Do you think for one second they would admit to it!?? Here's me: A 40 year old guy that looks like a kid and still get carded for buying things like lighters. Here's him: A very wealthy successfull man who comes from a well known family who's built half of this city. Here's my wife: a short asian girl who listens to punk rock music and if you put them together - everyone would laugh at the couple they would make. Just the thought of them being a couple would make everyone laugh.

 

So where would that get me? He would deny the hell out of the entire thing and it would blow up in my face. There is no possible way to tell his wife without him simply lauging it off and saying "who you going to believe". It would completely end right then and there and he would keep doing what he's always been doing.

 

Noone here will even convince me there's a remote chance in hell of telling his wife and having her believe me unless I have some hardcore proof. All it would do it blow up entirely in my face.

 

Further more, one of my biggest character flaws most people know about me is being highly paranoid - I'm known for completely jumping to conclusions and acting on paranoia. This is one more thing that would make the story coming from me that much more of a joke without hardcore proof.

[Owl]

What advice do you want from this forum?

[theobserver]

Here's him: A very wealthy successfull man who comes from a well known family who's built half of this city. Here's my wife: a short asian girl who listens to punk rock music and if you put them together - everyone would laugh at the couple they would make.

 

 

Laughable really? Rich powerful white man man targeting cute little asian thing (not trying to trivialize race or anything here... ah f*ck it let me just continue) I wouldn't find it so believeable.

 

0Plus your posts are pissing me off to know end. You know what I'll tell you what, your wife is not acting like a wife should. Boss or no boss she has gone above and beyond for this guy. Look I know you love your daughter, maybe you came from a less then ideal family yourself and you want your daughter to have a "perfect" unit but for god sakes GET OVER IT stop this think of the children crap it's clouding your judgement.

 

Your wife is CLEARLY clearly still having an emotional affair on the highest level your a laughing stock. If I was your friend and you told me this I would slap some sense into you. She's disrespecting you. she values he's well being over yours and possibly even your daughters yes I said it.

 

Read some stories around here from people that have been cheated on NOTHING will stop people like this the sooner you realise your wife is a bad egg the sooner you'll file for divorce . I understand the son isnt biologically yours I understand you love him and care for him as your own but to her your just a glorified boyfriend who she married that's how I see it. Infact right now your a cuckold you wont even do anything about this.

 

You've got advice from people here then put down every advice given from members here and these are from people who have lived this! who have children that have had to go through this. Who took the stand not to live in a lie, not to let their children know it's ok to live in a lie and to lie to yourself. You know what's going on, she apparently tried to stop it years ago but I guess that was just a lie to keep you satisfied...

 

"well if she said it's just platonic now i believe her UNTIL!!! RED FLAGS STARTED SHOWING UP DUH"

 

This woman needs a cold dose of reality. I woudl dump her ass, kick her out or start divorce and move out after she's getting half your ****, and just because of that inform the boss' wife or hell tell her now. You know what it doesn't matter if his wife believes you or not right away it will open her mind to look closer at what he's doing, probably confirm some suspicions she's had. If she chooses to just flat out ignore you or stay with him that's her choice poor stupid woman.

 

So to sum up. Get your 40 yr old young looking ass a set of balls. File for divorce. Depending on the home situation kick her ass out. (see I hope you never gave up family relatives for this woman because now you'll need em)

Call the Boss' wife and tell her what's been up all these years.Then go out and get laid asap *use protection * Those youthful looks of yours are a gift.

 

If you even come back her all negative over everything I typed or anyone else then why even come back because as said what advice do you want from us? Nobody is going to tell you everything is fine and to suck it up because you shouldn't.

 

Good luck.

[0plus2is1]

Ok - I concede - I mainly came here to verbalize my situation, which I new was pretty insidious and, which I am working on a plan to get out. I didn't mean to put down everyone's advice - I was simply trying to convey how complex I see this situation.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice and letting me vent.

 

I will bother you no more.

[whichwayisup]

Wish you wouldn't leave because you don't like some of what's being said. All everyone is trying to do is help you, get you to open your eyes.

 

Anyway, it's your life and you'll deal with this in your own way, I just hope that if "your way" doesn't work, you know you can come back here and we'll all still offer up advice and help out as much as possible.

[Spectre]

Why do you wanna stay married to trash like this? Leave her, she isn't worth it.

[Screwedover]

I think that you need more concrete evidence before you confront the spouse. I'm not sure how you can get that short of bugging your wife's work phone. That's what I did. It was extremely ballsy and risky, but it did the trick. I was desperate for the truth.

 

Anyway, why do you assume that if you have evidence and you provide it to the OM's wife, that his family will split up? Or your family, for that matter? Unless you are 100 percent positive, yourself, that you don't want to work it out, I don't think you really know what will happen until you have bald-faced proof and you and your spouse throw it all down on the table and hash it out.

 

And I would not advocate that YOU tell the OM's spouse. I would tell the OM -- once you have solid proof -- that YOU have all the evidence you need, and you will be sharing it with his wife. This is what I did. I sent the OW an email and said, "I have a stack of proof. I will be sharing it with your husband. I just hope you have the decency to tell him before he gets my package in the mail."

 

Then I sent it to his work address (home address mail could be intercepted by kids) and stamped it everywhere with "confidential." Did the trick.

 

My husband and I are working hard to save our marriage. The same is true for this other couple. And we are talking a 10-year -- yes, 10-year -- affair. Both couples have three kids, long marriage and a lot of history. In both cases, the marriages were fairly good. Except for two partners who went awry with their low self-esteem and sick needs for external validation.

 

I can't speak for the OW, but my husband has come a long way (and continues to work on himself through therapy), in terms of figuring out how and why he is so messed up.

 

Good luck to you.

[0plus2is1]

Screwedover - thanks for writing. I defitely don't feel as if my approach finding some difinitive proof is all that crazy. I can see how it worked fo r you, and I thinkif it's possible to gain some hard proof, it would be a very simple divorce case in my favor, a nice solid nugget to hand to his wife an her family and friends.

 

I lao have given my self a plan B whis is to wait 6 months, and if I don't find anythig, I will finally confront ther w/ the concpt tht it's either him or mel

[carhill]

Whoa, six months? Patient man, you are

 

Will your psychology allow you that time in your current state of mind without materially damaging your M? If yes, I need to learn a few things from you....

 

Just so you're aware, one of a woman's strengths is her network of friends and family and her ability to be smooth and convincing. I will predict your divorce will not go easy and you will be made to be the bad guy, no matter what you find out. Happy to be wrong

[In Like Flynn]

Is there a way to have the OMW find out about the affair without you being the one to spill the beans? If she finds out your wife then will be most likely fired considering the OMW owns half the company (marital asset). If they stay together your wife has to be fired and if they divorce the OMW (co-owner) will fire her also.

[pentacle]

It sounds like you don't want to be in this marriage and are looking for a reason to disband it that makes it her fault.

 

Perhaps better to reflect on why you need to make it her fault and cannot take action just because your know in yourself that you don't feel the feelings required to make this work. Just admit to yourself that this was a mistake. We all make them. It is not a capital crime.

 

Are you sure there isn't something else going on that hasn't been mentioned thus far? Is there someone else that you have in mind but you want to be free before you pursue?

[0plus2is1]

I think you are very right about me needing to make it look like her fault. I think that since her kid and I are so close I would feel guilty being the one to walk out. Within the last few months he's latched on to me so much and to the concept of "family" that it caught me by surprise.

 

I wanted to believe her so much when she said she had ended that "poisonous" relationship and wanted a normal life and she did a damn good job convincing me that was true.

 

There is a part of me that also wants to be the one that blows them out of the water. There is definitely some thrill to the chase and I won't deny this at all.

[Owl]

This is self-destructive behavior.

 

Seeking to "blow them out of the water" motivated only by revenge will gain you NOTHING.

 

I'd bet money that her child will get PISSED when she learns the truth of it later.

 

Why go through all this insanity if your only goal is divorce? File, and make it happen. Going through the rest of this pettiness isn't doing you any good at all.

[Screwedover]

Owl has good advice.

 

I'm getting the impression that you kind of enjoy this drama and don't really want to do much about it, besides complain and ask others to fret and wring their hands with you / give you sympathy.