sparktonSS Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Hello everyone. My gf and I, of 2.5 yrs broke up. I initiated the break up, but it became mutual. She had her things about me (I didnt treat her like a gf, I never called her, I never wanted to have sex with her, I acted like I never cared about her, I never wanted to hang out with her, I made fun of her, etc) and some of those things are true, some are not. For instance, I would joke with her, not make fun of her but she takes everything that I say seriously. My problems with her are that there was a certain friend of hers that I wanted her to stop talking to, and she completely refused. She wouldnt even compromise with me. That was a big issue, and another is that for two years I have asked her to stop smoking, and she hasnt. She knew from the get go that I hated being around people who smoke. We broke up almost a week ago, and it wasnt a bad break up for anything. The first day after the break up, we had no contact. The second day, I txted her asking how her surgery went beacuse she had surgery that day. I actually felt really bad for her, so I took her a milkshake to her house and she was happy that I asked about her and that I came over. The third day, I again came over to her house to sit and talk with her because she was alone. The fourth day, we had some contact through txting. Yesterday, we had no contact, and today so far we had no contact. I am having second feelings about us breaking up. I dont know if I should just let her go (I really dont want to though), if I should call her and tell her how I feel, or if I should give us time apart? Any advice will be greatly appreciated! Thanks.
v33 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Has she asked for time apart? Did you guys discuss anything related to the break up at all when you went over to her house? If you want her back I would address those issues she had about you (uie treat her like more of a gf, be more attentive, kind, etc). If you really want this woman you may have to put up with the smoking and the friend of hers you don't like. Find out where she is at, if she wants another chance. But first maybe you should start acting more like the man she once fell in love with, but just as her friend, then bring up getting back together. This way you can show her you value her and are willing to change without having a hidden agenda. Good luck, and tread carefully.
Author sparktonSS Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks for the reply v33! No, she has not asked for time apart. The only thing she said was "im really sorry about everything" and "I just wish we could go back to the beginning". I was trying to focus on her health rather than our relationship. I do want her. Ive been with her for 2.5 years, and she does everything for me that a guy could want. BUT, shouldnt she WANT to do something for me (ie quit smoking)? I feel as though maybe if I acted in a different way, maybe she wouldnt smoke anymore. Also, do you think I should give it some time between us so we can think about what happened, or should I call her right away? Thanks again for your time.
alialui Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I think it's better to chill for a while and try to think about this relationship. according to the description of how you treated her shows that you love her, but not really in love with her. are you sure you want to put up with all that all over again? Do you love her that much or just miss her company because you are alone now? I recommand to have sometime apart and try to date other people (you don't have to let her know. that will obvious either make her upset and leave you completely, or make her jealous stalker) you are not dating people to see if you love this girl or just doesn't wanna be alone. if new girls can fill your void, the breakup was a good idea. but having other girls around you make you miss her even more, you love her. i can tell you this because I realized that I loved my ex by dating other guys. They could never make me feel the same way he did. It's a big decision so take your time. seems like she's dealing with it well too. Life is short and we should be cautious of choosing our special someone;)
Author sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Well, I have been with several girls since our break up, not sexually or anything just hanging out. I pretty much constantly think about her when I am out with other girls that I know like me. Im confident that I do not need a void filled. I can get a new gf right now if I wanted to, but Im not because my feelings for my ex are very great. I pretty much have decided to have no contact with her for a little bit until things settle down. Last night I had a dream about her...I was flying a plane, and she was on board and she motioned for me to "come here". I got up from the cockpit and walked to her. We either had sex, or became really sexual I cannot remember. That was it LOL...nice dream, eh.
fetish Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Man this really seems like more of a fight than a break up. This is so puny this could be easily reconciled. She sounds like my girlfriend (now ex). She sounds like she tries rather hard to prove that her man can't control her. Not that i'm saying that women should obey everything her man says but that can be a problem. She's very stubborn and part of a relationship is compromise. Women do need to let their man have some say every once in a while and vice- versa. It's a way of showing that you respect one another's viewpoints. On a flip side, it does sound like you were trying to be a little controling yourself. If you asked her these things in a way it didn't sound confrontational, then i'll take it back. My advice is to step back for a while. You guys are at have had contact with eachother which is a good sign this will all eventually blow over. Good luck
alialui Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Okay, sounds like you really love her. however, loving someone and getting along with someone is totally different. I've been with some guys I had big sparks with, but couldn't get along. Just like my ex. it's more like He didn't know how to deal with my bad temper and moodiness. After losing him, I've worked on removing my bad qualities, not for him, but for myself and my future relationships. the point is tho, are you strong enough to accept who she is? are you happy to have her as she is? Don't expect her to change. Some people would change, if they really want to change. but sounds like she was reluctant to change herself for you. Not because she doesn't love you, because of her ego, i guess. So, if you are sure about wanting her back, try to find some ways to get along with her better. Never expect the other person to change for you. isn't it much easier to change yourself for them? If they love you and are not extremely selfish, they will notice your effort and appreciate it. and the best scenario is... they will try to change themselves for you too. I'm not saying we should change our core to be loved. I love myself, but I now bad temper and moodiness is something I should get rid of for my own good and i'm sure that it will help me to have better relationships with anybody. okay, good luck:laugh:
Author sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Man this really seems like more of a fight than a break up. This is so puny this could be easily reconciled. She sounds like my girlfriend (now ex). She sounds like she tries rather hard to prove that her man can't control her. Not that i'm saying that women should obey everything her man says but that can be a problem. She's very stubborn and part of a relationship is compromise. Women do need to let their man have some say every once in a while and vice- versa. It's a way of showing that you respect one another's viewpoints. On a flip side, it does sound like you were trying to be a little controling yourself. If you asked her these things in a way it didn't sound confrontational, then i'll take it back. My advice is to step back for a while. You guys are at have had contact with eachother which is a good sign this will all eventually blow over. Good luck You are right...I was being a little too controlling and I want to punch myself in the ****ing head now. It was a spur of the moment thing...like I thought I was soo right at the time and now I realize I was wrong in what I believed in and I feel very bad now. I really wish I didnt break up with her, and that this was just a fight. Maybe this is what we both needed for now. Thanks for your input! Okay, sounds like you really love her. however, loving someone and getting along with someone is totally different. I've been with some guys I had big sparks with, but couldn't get along. Just like my ex. it's more like He didn't know how to deal with my bad temper and moodiness. After losing him, I've worked on removing my bad qualities, not for him, but for myself and my future relationships. So, if you are sure about wanting her back, try to find some ways to get along with her better. Never expect the other person to change for you. isn't it much easier to change yourself for them? If they love you and are not extremely selfish, they will notice your effort and appreciate it. and the best scenario is... they will try to change themselves for you too. I'm not saying we should change our core to be loved. I love myself, but I now bad temper and moodiness is something I should get rid of for my own good and i'm sure that it will help me to have better relationships with anybody. okay, good luck:laugh: You know, she has changed a lot of her life...for me. She decided not to go to a far away college for the sake of our relationship, she stopped talking to several guys that I did not like, she usually takes my advice on a lot of things and I now realize that I really can not tell her to do everything in her life. So, I really can accept her for her. I actually am pretty sure that she would stop smoking if I treated her better, because then she wouldnt have to worry about us. Thank you both! I will keep you guys updated on my situation.
Author sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Hey guys...just need some quick input. Its been two full days of NC. I really do not want to initiate contact first...but how long do you think I should wait until I do something (ie; make contact, just stop everything with her for good and get her completely out of my life, etc)? I know two days of NC is nothing at all, Im just trying to get some input for the near future! Thank you, my internet friends!
critter909 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I had NC for 6 days before he called. I wouldn't have gotten anything out of him if I had tried to contact in the mean time. Be tough!
Author sparktonSS Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 I had NC for 6 days before he called. I wouldn't have gotten anything out of him if I had tried to contact in the mean time. Be tough! Wow! Yeah, its tough considering we never went more than one day without contact for three years straight. Ugh...
Author sparktonSS Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Sup all? So, here is a grand update on my situation. I went four days without contact. Horrible for me. Anyways, I was at work last night/this morning thinking about everything over and over. I eventually made myself believe that I can get her back, and she is the one I wanted. I was so convinced I was going to get her back, that I had butterflies in my stomach. I texted her. I said "Hi". No response from her for 2 hours and counting. I felt somewhat nauseated. I had about an hr left at work. My phone vibrates. I get a message from...my ex. Ok...this could be good or bad. Text says "HEY!!! How are you? Sorry it took so long I was busting my ass at work." So she DOESNT hate me LOL. About 10 more well worded text messages, and she agreed to meet me at my place after I get out. I get out of work, go home, and she is waiting there. I walk up to her, look her in the eye, and said "I love you" and gave her a big hug. She started bawling and we talked everything over. Now, she is sleeping in MY bed again So, I went with my gut. I was TOTALLY ready to have no contact unless she contacted me. Here, I found out she was not going to contact me because all of her friends that completely hate me kept telling her not to call me, putting bad thoughts in her head. So, my gut made everything better you could say. Thank you ALL for your help and support! You guys rock. I will continue to post here to try and help others as I was helped.
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