FlyingToaster Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Hello, Wasn't sure where to post so I thought I'd try here. My husband and I are having some issues about moving; I want to and he doesn't. When we got married over 4 years ago, I moved into his house. It's a 2 bedroom house and it was too small for even the two of us. Now we have a son who will be 2 soon, and there's a possibility of us having another child in February (I so far have a 25% success rate with pregnancies, so it's too soon to count my blessings). Since the house was too small for 2 people, it's definitely not big enough for 3, and will most certainly not be able to accomodate 4 people. My H has some big emotional issues when it comes to the thought of moving. For one, this place is special to him. It has a private runway and hangar. He is a pilot and most of the men in his family are as well (deceased father, 2 brothers, 2 nephews). He and his brothers own both a 4 and 2 seater plane, which are housed in the hangar. Even though his family didn't own it while he was growing up, they did know the person who did, and he has fond memories of driving by it and/or going out to see all the planes that had landed there. Times have changed and there are definitely fewer planes, but the brother and nephew that live locally come out quite often to go flying. I really love the airport as well, but I'm not happy with the location. We live in my H's hometown and it's very small and somewhat isolated. We have to drive 15 - 20 minutes at the least to get to a bigger town with more variety, and I really don't think the schools here offer a lot either. Plus, my H's job has him gone every other week. He literally does not come home for 7 days. I would like to be closer to my family, especially since I'll possibly be handling 2 children on my own. His family (brother and his wife, mother) have issues of their own and I spend as little time with them as possible. They're also not very dependable. We have looked into adding on to the house. We hired an architect and from what he's come up with, anything that's done to the house will noticeably look like an addition. Our house seems to have been designed with no possibility of adding on. Also, we've gone to the bank and it's not in their best interest to loan us more money to add on because they're definitely not going to be able to get that plus the original cost of the house out of it. When we first decided we needed to move, my husband was reluctant, but knew we had to do it. We chose to move to my hometown. After awhile though he started coming up with reasons as to why my hometown wasn't good enough: When he found out that my sister's old high school sweetheart wanted to fight guys that showed interest in my sister, he immediately thought that our son was going to encounter nothing but bullies. Ironically, he felt that he dealt with bullies when he was growing up as well. When he saw a car drive by that had a garbage bag replacing a window, he didn't like the thought of having white trash nearby. What town DOESN'T have it's share of people marching to the beat of a different drum? We had thought about tearing down our existing house and building a new one, but aside from the bank issue he got all worried about how people would react. He felt that they would smirk and think, "What makes him think that he deserves a house like that? Is he trying to show off?" He's really concerned about how hurt his family will be if we move. The other big problem is that as much as he'd like to keep this airport in the family, there's nobody that could really afford to buy it. IMHO, I don't think the airport means as much to them as he thinks. If it does though, I don't see why it has to be just our responsibility to keep it, especially when we've outgrown it. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't want to move there because it's too small for them as well. I've suggested advertising the house and airport in flying magazines, but I was told that the previous owner did that and didn't have any takers. If his family can't buy it, my H would really like to keep it intact as an airport, and if a non-aviation type bought it, there would be a possibility of the runway being plowed under and made a big field. If that were to happen, my H said that he would be completely crushed. So, my H keeps waffling. For awhile he's okay with moving but understandably bummed. Then, he tells me that I'm ruining him for asking him to move when he doesn't want to do it. He says I'm taking his dreams away from him which seems to be a problem in his family; he tells me his SIL took his brother's dreams away from him. I get so angry. I truly like the airport, but I'm not going to try and make do when it's really not possible. We don't have a place for all of our things. I get called a f*cking slob because things are out of place and I tell him, "If you find a place to put everything, I'll put it where it belongs. But until then, what am I suppose to do?" He's complained so many times about my stuff cluttering up the place that I've put most of it in the storage shed we rent. My huge bookcase doesn't have any of my books lining its shelves; just his and the ones we read to our son. If I could move the airport anyplace else, I would. If we could get a big enough piece of property near my hometown, my dad, who is an expert at operating a bulldozer, has a friend who would lend him his and we could build another airstrip. But my H pooh-poohs that idea as well. So I don't know what to do. I don't want my husband's dreams taken away from him, but I would also like to live some of mine, and it's not possible where we live. The other thing I have in the back of my mind is that maybe my H shouldn't have gotten married. If this means so much more to him than the happiness/welfare of his family, maybe we should go our separate ways. I don't think there's anything wrong with being passionate about something, but I think you have to be realistic about how much of your time is consumed with it. If it's so much that you can't afford time for other things, like spending time with a family, than maybe it's best that you don't have a family. I quite often feel like that's the case with my H. When he's not mowing/maintaining the runway, he's looking up airplanes on the internet, looking through his airplane magazines, going flying (He takes our son and I when it works out. Otherwise, he goes with his brother or nephew.), and taking pictures of all the planes we see at a fly-in, he's also doing things for his mother and other local family members. Our son and I are pretty much last on his list. So if anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate reading them. Take care
sally4sara Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 He sounds very stubborn and unaccommodating to a situation that he helped create like having kids while not making room and opportunities for them or you in his life. Its like its okay with him that he has kids and a wife so long as his plans and dreams are not messed with. That thing about his brother's wife comes off like an excuse. Whatever went down between them is between them and you shouldn't have no say in things because of their situation. I'm sorry about not having much advise for you but since this is a serious impasse between you and your husband, I'm going to bump your thread and hope someone else will see it and be able to help you come up with a solution.
Author FlyingToaster Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 Thanks sally4sara. Any help would be appreciated. I have posted fairly recently about my husband having some emotional issues, as well as myself having issues with his family. Some of it is my sensitivity at times, but part of it is knowing that these people have problems and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I've married into this family. I honestly didn't know they had these issues (including my husband) until we were married. I agree with you about his brother and wife. IMHO, I feel that everybody is responsible for seeing their dreams come true, including myself. You can't lay blame on anybody else for taking them away from you. Another thing about dreams; I feel that they have to change at times because things in your life change. Evolving is just a part of life. Take care
Author FlyingToaster Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 Another update: I had my first pre-natal appointment and ultrasound and it looks like my success rate will be down to 20%. I'm a little emotional right now. I would like our son to have a sibling, and, even though it wasn't my intention, this pregnancy was another way of convincing my H that we needed to move. The uphill struggle got a little steeper. I'm currently staying at my parents' place and taking care of their dogs while they're on vacation. My H got home from work on Tuesday and came here that night. The next day he went home to maintain the runway, etc. On Thursday he met me for my pre-natal appointment and then headed back home. He is coming back up here today for the weekend. When I called it was obvious that he had gone flying, so I guess we're back to square one as far as getting him to move. I guess this pregnancy loss is a good thing. Take care
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