Twilightlove Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Ok, Ive been dating this guy for probably over a month now. We've spent every day of the last two weeks together. Yes, we are intimate. I've met all his friends and the love me. In the beginning he gave me a speech about how he isnt ready for a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend title) but dating is fine and we'll see where it goes. Im 23, but this train of thought is all new to me. Today he gave me the speech that he felt like i wanted more than dating (commitment) and that he wasnt ready for that..says he doesnt want to hurt me, but he feels like im inching towards a relationship every day and he feels himself backing off. ahhh! I replied that I want to take it slow and we'll see where it goes one day, that I dont want to settle...but that he should tell me if he sleeps with anyone else bc of health risks. Ive done the Im crazy about you angel and Ive told him how I felt but he comes back with the not ready for a relationship thing. I was talking to my girlfriends and apparently he is crazy about me, I guess he's scared- thats what everyone seems. Its hard to believe that sometimes though bc he doesnt say it. I guess he does act it. I know he knows that Im on a silver platter for him and he just has to say yes. So Im done chasing him...how do I get him to chase me? I feel like he knows that he can have me whenever he wants and that bores him...i know he's not seeing anyone else but he does text other girls. Do I just wait it out and give him space, not text him everyday? How do you do that when youre crazy about him? and all i can think about is what he says to other girls....he is always with me, spending time with me, so what is the big deal?!?! Is this normal for guys? How long do people usually "date" before committing??! Im lost...this is all new for me, guys usually either chase me or they are interested in me...not this. Should I be mad at him? How do i get him to chase me....instead of me chasing him...Im lost...
gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Next time a guy tells you he isn't ready for a r/s in the beginning, believe him and don't get involved. Now that you're already involved, it's still only been a month. Cut your losses early and move on. If he really is as crazy about you as you think, he wouldn't let you leave. In fact, by leaving you will be able to tell if he cares about you enough to change his mind. For now, you are just an fwb to him and he has not respect for you. Respect yourself and cut him out. This is the only way you will have hope for him to respect you and chase you. Good luck.
Jilly Bean Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 When I was in my 20's, my GF's and I always rationalized a guys behavior by saying he was "scared". When you get a little older, you will realize he's NOT scared, but he is genuinely telling you the truth about how he feels. He has told you repeatedly that he does not want a relationship with you. I applaud him for being so honest! Problem is, you're not listening to what he has to say.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 He wants sex, not a relationship. Sounds to me like you want more. Find someone who wants the same thing you want.
Lucky555 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Break up with him seriously. Sorry to say this but I have learned my own lesson when he says "i am not ready for a relationship/commitment" BELIEVE HIM. Hes happy to just string you along even though he acts like he cares, which he might. There is no way to undo this now. I did what u did. Tried to be MORE attentive or pulled away, Yup tried it all. It didn't work because I didn't listen to what he had said in the first place "not ready for relationship" I cared about him and it was too late, i felt for him and everything..only ended in heartbreak. So now i know you care and i know you probably feel like you don't ever want to hurt him because you care, BUT in order to get what you want you are going to have to say bye if you want more. Say you are ready for a relationship in your life and move on. Or if your happy being FWB then stay. He won't change his mind and nothing you do will work. Just break up with him and CUT OFF CONTACT. If he does want you he will Chase you down and see if he commits then, if he doesn't then he doesn't move on. Its going to hurt but you will be wasting your time and energy. That is unless you want this FWB.
Trialbyfire Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 This guy is not stringing you along. He's outright telling you he's not in the right place to settle down. I know where he sits. I just stopped seeing a couple of guys because of this. While I didn't sleep with them, I really enjoyed spending time with them as people, even friends but wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. There was absolutely nothing wrong with either of them. You could try withdrawing and seeing if that works, as referenced by a previous poster. If he sits where I sat, it won't do you any good. The only way to find out is to try. No pain, no gain.
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 For some reason- many people hear the words "I am not interested in a relationship"... yet they choose to believe otherwise. I think it's human nature to believe we can be the one to change that person... afterall, that is a challenge, and that would make us special right? The truth is- he means what he says. If you choose to believe otherwise- it's at your own detriment. It's only been a month, he said that he didn't want anything serious and is making it no secret he is texting other girls. If you keep hanging around, you'll only get hurt.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 So Im done chasing him...how do I get him to chase me? Back off and focus on you. Do more things with your friends, family and see if he comes looking for you. Don't focus so much on him..He isn't ready for anything serious and he might react if you casually date other guys.
RavenHair Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 ...how do I get him to chase me? I feel like he knows that he can have me whenever he wants and that bores him...i know he's not seeing anyone else but he does text other girls. Do I just wait it out and give him space, not text him everyday? How do you do that when youre crazy about him? and all i can think about is what he says to other girls....he is always with me, spending time with me, so what is the big deal?!?! Is this normal for guys? How long do people usually "date" before committing??! Im lost...this is all new for me, guys usually either chase me or they are interested in me...not this. Should I be mad at him? How do i get him to chase me....instead of me chasing him...Im lost... How about this, instead of waisting your time chasing him, run in the opposite direction! This is totally old school, but maybe you shouldn't have slept with him without being in a relationship...unless you just wanted to have sex with him and nothing more. From what you say, it sounds like you're trying to change the nature of your relationship with him. I don't mean to be harsh or combative, but maybe he's always with you and spending all this time with you because he knows he can have sex with you without having to put in "boyfriend work". He's on a completely different page and you don't need to waste the time you have on this earth chasing after someone or trying to get advice about how to get him to chase you. Don't you think you're worth more than this? I know you are and we don't even know each other! Lose this guy and find someone who likes the whole you, not just the southern part
Mary3 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 How about this, instead of waisting your time chasing him, run in the opposite direction! This is totally old school, but maybe you shouldn't have slept with him without being in a relationship...unless you just wanted to have sex with him and nothing more. From what you say, it sounds like you're trying to change the nature of your relationship with him. I don't mean to be harsh or combative, but maybe he's always with you and spending all this time with you because he knows he can have sex with you without having to put in "boyfriend work". He's on a completely different page and you don't need to waste the time you have on this earth chasing after someone or trying to get advice about how to get him to chase you. Don't you think you're worth more than this? I know you are and we don't even know each other! Lose this guy and find someone who likes the whole you, not just the southern part Wow ,I love this Post ! You are with a commitment phobe....He will eventually want an R but not with YOU . I expect you are going to get hurt real bad when he DOES find the right girl. I would back away ASAP
GPFan Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Believe him and decide what you want for yourself. If it isn't what he is offering, then walk away. It has only been a month, I wouldn't drag this out any longer.
Author Twilightlove Posted June 19, 2008 Author Posted June 19, 2008 tonight was the last straw, he gets drunk and is a complete ******* to me. I would never want my sister or any of my friends be with a guy like this. Im cutting him out of my life, I'm done. Yes Im crazy about him and it breaks my heart, but I cant take it anymore. I need to figure out why I cared about him so much when he treated me so horribly. I think i just wanted to be special, the "one" that made him want a relationship. But thats obviously not me. I guess a few nights or weeks crying now will beat me falling hopelessy in love with him and dealing with this later and crying for months. thanks for the advice. he is no longer a part of my life anymore.
Lucky555 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 "Yes Im crazy about him and it breaks my heart, but I cant take it anymore. I need to figure out why I cared about him so much when he treated me so horribly. I think i just wanted to be special, the "one" that made him want a relationship. But thats obviously not me. I guess a few nights or weeks crying now will beat me falling hopelessy in love with him and dealing with this later and crying for months. thanks for the advice. he is no longer a part of my life anymore." I am glad your being firm and knowing what is best for you. I don't understand how men just detach themselves so easily..like u i felt the same way wanting to be the "one" but the guy would have just kept stringing me along. Why you cared about him and why he treated you so horrible...I wondered why i stayed to. I believe its because i cared more about him than he did about me and he had an emotional attachment on the side so if one didn't work out another one would. Some men huh? Well you are off to greener pastures. It sounds like you have a lot of love and care to give to someone who DESERVES it. I wish you the best.
Mary3 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 tonight was the last straw, he gets drunk and is a complete ******* to me. I would never want my sister or any of my friends be with a guy like this. Im cutting him out of my life, I'm done. Yes Im crazy about him and it breaks my heart, but I cant take it anymore. I need to figure out why I cared about him so much when he treated me so horribly. I think i just wanted to be special, the "one" that made him want a relationship. But thats obviously not me. I guess a few nights or weeks crying now will beat me falling hopelessy in love with him and dealing with this later and crying for months. thanks for the advice. he is no longer a part of my life anymore. No contact with this user. Cut him off the gravey train asap. That means no calling , texting , Im'ing , snail mail . He will just move on to the next girl and use her. Don't even answer the phone when you see he is calling. He likely knows NOW that you don't put up that . Don't even go for the " Well I really do want a relationship speech " He really just wants to see if he can milk the cow a little longer....
pandagirl Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 This guy sounds VERY immature and not worth your time. I know it hurts, but you deserve WAY better who is going to treat you right!
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 tonight was the last straw, he gets drunk and is a complete ******* to me. I would never want my sister or any of my friends be with a guy like this. This sounds like a deliberate attempt to push you away. The withdrawal game would not and will not work on this guy. He's not in at all. Im cutting him out of my life, I'm done. Yes Im crazy about him and it breaks my heart, but I cant take it anymore. I need to figure out why I cared about him so much when he treated me so horribly. I think i just wanted to be special, the "one" that made him want a relationship. But thats obviously not me. I guess a few nights or weeks crying now will beat me falling hopelessy in love with him and dealing with this later and crying for months. thanks for the advice. he is no longer a part of my life anymore. Good. Stick to it. What you had was a dating situation where there was a serious investment imbalance. You can't force or change anyone's feelings for you. You also have to examine why you fell so hard for this guy in such a short span of time. Did he really treat you so poorly or are you angry and hurt that he didn't care as much about you, as you cared about him? Also, are you the type that emotionally invests more after sleeping with someone? If so, it might help next time to not sleep with someone, until you've spent more time with them, therefore, keeping a tighter leash on your emotions while getting to know them better.
stillafool Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 If this guy told you he didn't want a relationship he meant it. Think about it. Why would you tell someone you wanted to have a relationship with that you "don't want a relationship"? That just makes no sense. If a man is interested in you he will chase you. If he told you he didn't want to be in a relationship you shouldn't have slept with him unless you also were in it only for the sex. It seems he has put you in that category and once there it is hard to move on to a relationship because he doesn't view you that way. If I were you I would move on. Your friends will tell you things they think you want to hear and sometimes that's not always the best thing for you.
mixwell Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 He wants sex, not a relationship. Sounds to me like you want more. Find someone who wants the same thing you want. Listen to this person !! Seriously I was hooking up with some girl and although I wouldn't mind a girlfriend I told her I didn't want a relationship right now and the real reason was because I wasn't interested in this girl other than sex. If you want him to chase you (this isn't a sure shot) then just be less available. The same things that people want what they can't have works on both sexes.. I would say to test him the next time he asks to hang out just say you have plans to hang out (don't say with a chick or guy friend) just say I'd like to hang out but I have plans.. I notice a lot of guys make themselves too available for women and the girl gets bored quick. The same thing happens to guys.. If he knows he can see you/hangout whenever he wants then he doesn't have time to miss you and knows you will be there whenever he wants you to be. As a final note though from a guy perspective I would take the whole "I don't want a relationship" to mean "I wouldn't mind being in a relationship but I know you are into me and I can have you whenever I want and my interest level has dropped because you are not a challenge too me and I just want to have sex with you because that is the only thing keeping me interested" Seriously if you make yourself harder to get then he will be interested. I remember when I would dump my ex and found out she was hanging out with guy friends she hadn't hung out with in a while it drove me nuts. I know playing games is lame but if you make him work for you and not be soo available it will make him more interested in you. I've had chicks I've stopped dating (because I dumped them) kinda blow me off and it just made me want to chase them more because I thought "this chick was whipped on me and now she isn't so I want to see if I can get her like that again" Seriously he sounds like he is using you because he has gotten bored of you. The best thing is to just not be soo available to him and make him chase a bit. If he doesn't then he is just not that interested. Trust me I'm a guy and I have done this to more than 1 woman in my dating experience.. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
AriaIncognito Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I'm with the other posters. He's been telling you the truth. For whatever reason, he doesn't want a relationship with you. I played this game for a year and a half with my last ex. He kept me around for whatever reason, I guess just waiting until he met someone he DID want to be in R with, because we ended up splitting up after he had a great date with someone new. Just like that. Some people can't stand to be alone so they'll stick around until they replace you. It sucks. You can avoid it. I highly suggest going NC since he's pissed you off anyway, and moving onto someone worth your time.
Mary3 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I'm with the other posters. He's been telling you the truth. For whatever reason, he doesn't want a relationship with you. I played this game for a year and a half with my last ex. He kept me around for whatever reason, I guess just waiting until he met someone he DID want to be in R with, because we ended up splitting up after he had a great date with someone new. Just like that. Some people can't stand to be alone so they'll stick around until they replace you. It sucks. You can avoid it. I highly suggest going NC since he's pissed you off anyway, and moving onto someone worth your time. Ohhh soo very true !
xpaperxcutx Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Listen to this person !! Seriously I was hooking up with some girl and although I wouldn't mind a girlfriend I told her I didn't want a relationship right now and the real reason was because I wasn't interested in this girl other than sex. If you want him to chase you (this isn't a sure shot) then just be less available. The same things that people want what they can't have works on both sexes.. I would say to test him the next time he asks to hang out just say you have plans to hang out (don't say with a chick or guy friend) just say I'd like to hang out but I have plans.. I notice a lot of guys make themselves too available for women and the girl gets bored quick. The same thing happens to guys.. If he knows he can see you/hangout whenever he wants then he doesn't have time to miss you and knows you will be there whenever he wants you to be. As a final note though from a guy perspective I would take the whole "I don't want a relationship" to mean "I wouldn't mind being in a relationship but I know you are into me and I can have you whenever I want and my interest level has dropped because you are not a challenge too me and I just want to have sex with you because that is the only thing keeping me interested" Seriously if you make yourself harder to get then he will be interested. I remember when I would dump my ex and found out she was hanging out with guy friends she hadn't hung out with in a while it drove me nuts. I know playing games is lame but if you make him work for you and not be soo available it will make him more interested in you. I've had chicks I've stopped dating (because I dumped them) kinda blow me off and it just made me want to chase them more because I thought "this chick was whipped on me and now she isn't so I want to see if I can get her like that again" Seriously he sounds like he is using you because he has gotten bored of you. The best thing is to just not be soo available to him and make him chase a bit. If he doesn't then he is just not that interested. Trust me I'm a guy and I have done this to more than 1 woman in my dating experience.. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I don't think this guy is worth the time and effort to play games with.... it would just be waste. Unless the OP is really sadistical and trys to play him where in the end she dumps him.
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