foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Hi everyone, I have decided to come back and post because I have improved so much over the last week or so. I thought that coming on this site was keeping me from moving forward and out of this rut. What I found was I missed talking to all of you and I missed reading and responding and trying to help others. Folks, this last week has been so great I cannot believe I ever felt so bad before. I will tell you that all I did was sit down and really be honest with myself and convince myself that it was over. I did this inner thinking over a few nights where I really concentrated on the fact that the relationship is over. Once I had that firmly in my mind, all the bad times we had and the fights and arguments came rushing back. I had knocked her off that damn pedestal and I was seeing clearly for the first time in 3 friggin months. It was such a breakthrough for me that I laughed out loud and said to myself, you made it man. I am sure that there will be slight set backs, but IMHO, it is simply mind over matter. Since this breakthrough a couple of days ago, I have not thought of her and if I do, I have no sad feelings and no longing for her. I know we are done and I forgive her for everything. I don't know if I will run into her, but I don't fear that like I did last week. We had some amazing times in the past and in time I will look back on those and smile, but she is not the one and I know that now 100%. As crazy as this sounds, it is as if someone turned on a switch and all the pain and longing disappeared. My whole point is there is hope and life after this. It is all in our heads folks. As soon as we tell ourselves it is over, it gets alot better. At least it is for me. I am going to hang around again and try and help as many people as I can from here on in. I feel like my old self again and it feels amazing. We can all do it, believe me.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Oh, I forgot to mention, I met a beautiful lady the other day and we are going out for lunch on Friday. It was so nice to interact and talk to someone and not feel weird about it. I am back baby!!!!:D:D
kizik Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Fox, it is great to see you here again! Man, I wish I could have some of the realizations you've been having. I am doing a bit better than when we last talked, but nowhere near as well as you. Part of it may be my age- I'm 24, you're a bit older- and part of it may be my job and living situation. I think when I actually have a date for the first time, like you are, it will be easier to get over her. I am very happy for you, bro. If you want, read about how I emailed her a short congrats, and her response. Perhaps I have not accepted it is over... but the aforementioned interaction has helped me to find a bit of peace in the breakup. I love her, but she's gone her own way and it has nothing to do with me. That's OK.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Fox, it is great to see you here again! Man, I wish I could have some of the realizations you've been having. I am doing a bit better than when we last talked, but nowhere near as well as you. Part of it may be my age- I'm 24, you're a bit older- and part of it may be my job and living situation. I think when I actually have a date for the first time, like you are, it will be easier to get over her. I am very happy for you, bro. If you want, read about how I emailed her a short congrats, and her response. Perhaps I have not accepted it is over... but the aforementioned interaction has helped me to find a bit of peace in the breakup. I love her, but she's gone her own way and it has nothing to do with me. That's OK. Hey Kiz, there is life on the other side man, you can do it. I will read everything and get caught up and then get back to you. I have alot of posts to read, lol. Kiz, I feel so much f**king better, it is like a heavy weight has been lifted and then destroyed. It is all in our heads man. I have got to start reading and get caught up, talk to you soon.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 (((FOX))) I just responded to your leaving post yesterday! I was wondering where you'd gone and searched your posts! I'm glad you are back. I've decided to stay after feeling 100% better as well. I'm happy to hear that you've met someone interesting.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 (((FOX))) I just responded to your leaving post yesterday! I was wondering where you'd gone and searched your posts! I'm glad you are back. I've decided to stay after feeling 100% better as well. I'm happy to hear that you've met someone interesting. Thanks LC, It is great to be back among great friends and great people. The date is going to be great but the important thing is how much better I feel by simply thinking the right things instead of wallowing and living in the past. I feel like my old self and it is awesome!!
northstar1 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Hi everyone, I have decided to come back and post because I have improved so much over the last week or so. I thought that coming on this site was keeping me from moving forward and out of this rut. What I found was I missed talking to all of you and I missed reading and responding and trying to help others. Folks, this last week has been so great I cannot believe I ever felt so bad before. I will tell you that all I did was sit down and really be honest with myself and convince myself that it was over. I did this inner thinking over a few nights where I really concentrated on the fact that the relationship is over. Once I had that firmly in my mind, all the bad times we had and the fights and arguments came rushing back. I had knocked her off that damn pedestal and I was seeing clearly for the first time in 3 friggin months. It was such a breakthrough for me that I laughed out loud and said to myself, you made it man. I am sure that there will be slight set backs, but IMHO, it is simply mind over matter. Since this breakthrough a couple of days ago, I have not thought of her and if I do, I have no sad feelings and no longing for her. I know we are done and I forgive her for everything. I don't know if I will run into her, but I don't fear that like I did last week. We had some amazing times in the past and in time I will look back on those and smile, but she is not the one and I know that now 100%. As crazy as this sounds, it is as if someone turned on a switch and all the pain and longing disappeared. My whole point is there is hope and life after this. It is all in our heads folks. As soon as we tell ourselves it is over, it gets alot better. At least it is for me. I am going to hang around again and try and help as many people as I can from here on in. I feel like my old self again and it feels amazing. We can all do it, believe me. Good for you man, glad to hear you've rounded that corner If I can ask, how long has it been now since the 'split'?
kizik Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I'm going to be very honest, Fox - my happiness for you is bittersweet. I'm finding myself envying your progress. I've gone so far as getting on anti-depressants and therapy... and all you had to do was THINK about it?! I think it's easier for you b/c your ex did some very bad things and had some clear problems.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Good for you man, glad to hear you've rounded that corner If I can ask, how long has it been now since the 'split'? It has been 3 months to the day since I found out she cheated ( March 18th). She dumped me a few days later. I know now looking back with a clear head that I would have dumped her if she hadn't left me first.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 I'm going to be very honest, Fox - my happiness for you is bittersweet. I'm finding myself envying your progress. I've gone so far as getting on anti-depressants and therapy... and all you had to do was THINK about it?! I think it's easier for you b/c your ex did some very bad things and had some clear problems. Hi Kiz, it is easier for sure when your ex cheats, no doubt about it. I wanted her back for sure right after I found out, but looking back now, I know that if she had come back it would not have lasted. My trust in her is gone. I could never live with someone who cheated on me. In the whirlwind of the break up I thought she was the world, moon, stars and all I needed to be happy. None of that is true and I only realized it the last few days. Kiz, I am not back here to tell everyone how great I am doing. I am back here to tell you and everyone else that wants to listen , how I found myself again and hopefully it will help someone. I honestly believe that we all have it within ourselves to get better and all we need is to start using our heads instead of our hearts. Up until last week I was still crying thinking about her and I. This week I am a new man and nothing else has changed except my way of thinking. You will get there man, I just wanted to give everyone hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
critter909 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks Foxh. That's what I need to do. I need to quit clinging to the hope that he is coming back.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks Foxh. That's what I need to do. I need to quit clinging to the hope that he is coming back. Hope in our minds is the killer. Once you come to terms with the fact it is over and they are not coming back, you will get better. It does us no good to hope, we can't control anything about them. They aren't with us and we have to accept it and get back to being who we were before we ever met them.
kizik Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Fox, in no way do I think you're here to talk about how great you're doing. Quite the opposite; you are here to help. And I really appreciate that. In regards to hope, you make a good point to critter. I am doing pretty well in accepting the finality of my R. I am giving myself more chances to get out and meet people. Once I have a couple good conversations with females, I know I'm going to feel that much more secure in my good traits. And come this fall, the University chicks better watch out...
CailinPig Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 That's great news, how i wish I was in your situation Fox. It's been three months since my break up too. You lucky man!
Author foxh1234 Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 That's great news, how i wish I was in your situation Fox. It's been three months since my break up too. You lucky man! I don't know about lucky, I have cried more than any man ever should. I never knew I could cry that much, I haven't since I was a little kid. Man, this was a really hard thing to come to terms with, but once I decided that it was truly over, it became alot easier. As I said earlier, we control things for ourselves now that our ex's are gone. If we wallow for months, it is us doing it. that's why I say, change how you think and your mind will heal itself and you will really start to see the ex as they really are. For the first 2 months I thought she was the best woman ever put on this earth. Why wouldn't I be crying over losing the best on the planet. Now that I realize she was a troubled woman with alot of personal problems, I feel sorry for her more than want her back. She was not the one and that realization has got me through this. It worked for me and it will work for anyone if they just think the right things. Why chase someone who doesn't want you ? That simple sentence changed my whole way of thinking.
inulg Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I don't know about lucky, I have cried more than any man ever should. I never knew I could cry that much, I haven't since I was a little kid. Man, this was a really hard thing to come to terms with, but once I decided that it was truly over, it became alot easier. As I said earlier, we control things for ourselves now that our ex's are gone. If we wallow for months, it is us doing it. that's why I say, change how you think and your mind will heal itself and you will really start to see the ex as they really are. For the first 2 months I thought she was the best woman ever put on this earth. Why wouldn't I be crying over losing the best on the planet. Now that I realize she was a troubled woman with alot of personal problems, I feel sorry for her more than want her back. She was not the one and that realization has got me through this. It worked for me and it will work for anyone if they just think the right things. Why chase someone who doesn't want you ? That simple sentence changed my whole way of thinking. Now that I realize she was a troubled woman with alot of personal problems, I feel sorry for her more than want her back. actually, that statement seems to help me the most! lol
replicator Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 That's awesome man... I'm not quite there, but progressing day by day. I still have that pain that comes in my chest, and sometimes wet eyes, but I feel like I'm beginning to be able to admit to myself that it is over. It is really mind over matter, but at the risk of sounding corny, the heart gets in the way. Once the heart begins to heal, I think you're able to start seeing things clearly. My first heartbreak. It's an incredibly awakening, but painful journey. Glad it happened now at 29, than at 39.
mollers Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Very pleased for you Fox, you have moved on so much. I think I have moved on, I definitely know that we will never get back together, much as I would have liked to, and I can objectively identify now things I accepted in the relationship that I should not have put up with. I am however struggling with a new feeling of sadness. These last 2 days I had to go to London with work. The last time I went there was 8 weeks ago when we were still together. I had to stay in the same hotel, visit the same work venue, and I felt a bit overwhelmed due to the memories it brought back. I felt lost and alone in a city where I didn't know anyone, but at least last time I was receiving texts from him checking I had got there safely, letting me know he'd dropped my son off at school safely and I specifically remember a text arranging for us to go to a restaurant when I got home. This time I just sat in my hotel room and cried. Not for him back though, but for the love I had lost. I know it will get easier, and I am certainly not clinging onto the hope of a reunion, but I feel so sad at the moment. Here's hoping I get to your stage soon.X
sunshinegirl Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 This time I just sat in my hotel room and cried. Not for him back though, but for the love I had lost. I know it will get easier, and I am certainly not clinging onto the hope of a reunion, but I feel so sad at the moment. Here's hoping I get to your stage soon.X I've had similar experiences, moller, of traveling somewhere for work when the last time I had been there my ex and I were still together, texting or talking by phone each night. Back in 2005 I had the same experience with a different ex: I had been in Singapore for work in Oct 04 and that ex and I were going gangbusters at that time. I was back in Singapore in May 05 and we were broken up by then. It was one of the saddest trips I've ever taken. I think it's just one of those stages we go through - we cry because of the associations... but my guess is that you'll be better next time you go to London. Singapore doesn't trigger me at all anymore with regard to my 2005 ex.
sunshinegirl Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I don't know about lucky, I have cried more than any man ever should. I never knew I could cry that much, I haven't since I was a little kid. Man, this was a really hard thing to come to terms with, but once I decided that it was truly over, it became alot easier. As I said earlier, we control things for ourselves now that our ex's are gone. If we wallow for months, it is us doing it. that's why I say, change how you think and your mind will heal itself and you will really start to see the ex as they really are. For the first 2 months I thought she was the best woman ever put on this earth. Why wouldn't I be crying over losing the best on the planet. Now that I realize she was a troubled woman with alot of personal problems, I feel sorry for her more than want her back. She was not the one and that realization has got me through this. It worked for me and it will work for anyone if they just think the right things. Why chase someone who doesn't want you ? That simple sentence changed my whole way of thinking. Please, please, I need help to get where you are. I was lied to and cheated on. I think my ex probably has personal problems too, emotional ones he can't/won't deal with. But I don't feel sorry for him (yet). I feel jealous and angry that he's most likely all happy and googly with the stupid office hooch he left me for. I'm not chasing him, I've had no contact for a month, since finding out about the cheating. But I still have the longings, the sadness, the wistfulness, the justifications for his cheating, the wishing we could just turn back the clock.
mollers Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I've had similar experiences, moller, of traveling somewhere for work when the last time I had been there my ex and I were still together, texting or talking by phone each night. Back in 2005 I had the same experience with a different ex: I had been in Singapore for work in Oct 04 and that ex and I were going gangbusters at that time. I was back in Singapore in May 05 and we were broken up by then. It was one of the saddest trips I've ever taken. I think it's just one of those stages we go through - we cry because of the associations... but my guess is that you'll be better next time you go to London. Singapore doesn't trigger me at all anymore with regard to my 2005 ex. Yes Sunshinegirl, I agree, I did think that to myself, that next time I go to London, I will remember other things and not feel so alone. Bu this time I was just overwhelmed with sadness, it came out of nowhere, I really wanted that feeling of warmth that I used to get when my phone beeped and I saw his name come up. I so wanted to receive one of his text messages that said 'Hey sg! Am missing you.X' (sg was code for his nickname for me). I really wanted to experience those little secret communications that made me feel safe and loved. It just made me sad I'm getting there and I am coping but I just had a wave of missing him that hit me where it hurts.
v33 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 It's fine, in fact normal and healthy to be sad at first. Even it a situation where you know it's for the best, if you were not the one who initiated the break-up it's going to be a shock. Still, if we haven't moved on with our lives a couple of months later it's time to take a good long look at why we are still so sad. I dare say that it's because we have introduced any new reasons to be happy into our lives. Sure you can miss someone, but you were just fine before them, right? We are totally in control of our life's destiny once the ex is gone. Certainly if we have gone NC and are not physically keeping them in our lives, really, what control should they have? If they do it's because we continue to mentally give it to them. I used to accuse my ex of always living in the past, she was so depressed and miserable about things that had happened in her life. She just could not see the future or even the present. When she left I became like her for a time, and I realize now it is 100% useless! I can't change what has happened, but I can make something happen today, and for a better tomorrow. I ask myself, what do I miss? Does she have something I could not find in someone else? Or even in myself? Companionship, sex, intimacy, yes.... I do miss those things, but I will have them again. I miss the idea of her, the comfort the pattern.... but I have learned that to put too much importance in these things coming from another person is a grave mistake. You never know when it might be taken from you.
mollers Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 It's fine, in fact normal and healthy to be sad at first. Even it a situation where you know it's for the best, if you were not the one who initiated the break-up it's going to be a shock. Still, if we haven't moved on with our lives a couple of months later it's time to take a good long look at why we are still so sad. I dare say that it's because we have introduced any new reasons to be happy into our lives. Sure you can miss someone, but you were just fine before them, right? We are totally in control of our life's destiny once the ex is gone. Certainly if we have gone NC and are not physically keeping them in our lives, really, what control should they have? If they do it's because we continue to mentally give it to them. I used to accuse my ex of always living in the past, she was so depressed and miserable about things that had happened in her life. She just could not see the future or even the present. When she left I became like her for a time, and I realize now it is 100% useless! I can't change what has happened, but I can make something happen today, and for a better tomorrow. I ask myself, what do I miss? Does she have something I could not find in someone else? Or even in myself? Companionship, sex, intimacy, yes.... I do miss those things, but I will have them again. I miss the idea of her, the comfort the pattern.... but I have learned that to put too much importance in these things coming from another person is a grave mistake. You never know when it might be taken from you. Hi V33. I agree with all that you've said, and I have introduced a lot of new things into my life to stop me dwelling on my ex and what might have been. I have truly learnt from this experience not to let any future relationship become my very being. I definitely became consumed by the relationship and adapted myself to my ex, without questioning whether he adapted to me. I haven't cried too much over the last couple of weeks, so this sudden bout of sadness whilst in London came as quite a shock. I was actually a bit annoyed with myself and felt a bit weak. You are right when you say you never know when something might be taken from you. When me and my ex split up, I had thought our future was mapped out and never questioned that it might end; only for me to find that it was never in my hands in the first place, I hadn't thought about what I would do if he took himself out of my life. I won't get to that stage again in my life, I have had a big wake up call (shame it took 38 years coming!).
sunshinegirl Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I miss the idea of her, the comfort the pattern.... but I have learned that to put too much importance in these things coming from another person is a grave mistake. You never know when it might be taken from you. In my case, my identity wasn't bound up in the relationship; I had moments along the way of thinking 'I should enjoy what this is now...who knows if I will have it forever.' In other words, I was still an individual in the relationship - it didn't consume me. BUT. That doesn't stop the sadness, it doesn't stop missing the idea of him, the comfort, the pattern. I think there's a line somewhere between putting importance in those things and putting "too" much importance on them.
v33 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 In my case, my identity wasn't bound up in the relationship; I had moments along the way of thinking 'I should enjoy what this is now...who knows if I will have it forever.' In other words, I was still an individual in the relationship - it didn't consume me. BUT. That doesn't stop the sadness, it doesn't stop missing the idea of him, the comfort, the pattern. I think there's a line somewhere between putting importance in those things and putting "too" much importance on them. In my case I did place too much importance on being in the relationship. Now I wouldn't say that I was overly dedicated to making it work, and I did take it and her from granted as did she. Unfortunately when things got rough in my life or I was down or unmotivated I used the relationship as a pacifier, as if to say "Oh well, that doesn't matter, at least I have her." As I result I let too many things go, and neglected my life and my personal base. I think all this was worth it in order to learn this lesson. Your priority should be you.... and you should find a partner that is a complete person as well. Two people in a relationship should have fulfilling lives on their own and then compliment each others. To rely too much on someone else to complete your life is not the way to go.
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