I am not sure if I'm being too pushy or if he's just not into me anymore

[TFK84]

This is a bit long.... but I'd appreciate it SO MUCH if you could give me your feedback and wisdom.... This has been an issue since '03 or so, for me...

 

One of my old guy friends from college and I sort of were getting in a relationship, or he was about to ask me out, back in '02 or '03. He bought me gifts and was a little awkward around me, since we had been good friends for so long, talking all the time. But mostly online... even though we went to the same college. Whenever we went out together, he was very nervous around me, and always left early.

 

However, I am very shy, and so is he, and nothing came of it. I typically respond to situations by pulling away to see whether the guy will come forward & pursue me. I pulled back & just did my own thing, and he never knew I liked him. I told him I didn't like him when I suspected he was dating someone else.

 

'03 or so... Anyhow, when I found out he was possibly dating another girl, I stopped contact with him & ignored him very coldly, on a variety of instances. I call it self-dignity and respect, but it was pretty cold, looking back on it. Wrote him a really nasty and cold email... pretty much bludgeoning his ego. Can't remember if this happened before or after he started dating the other girl.

 

But then several months later, I tell him I have feelings for him... but he is dating another girl (other one cheated on him)... he says he can't leave her... he says he is surprised to hear I have feelings for him, and he wish I told him earlier. But thing is, he stays with his girl... he is really torn & I say basically he needs to choose me or her... he says she's been there for him, when I wasn't (something like that, I think)... and that he can't leave her.... that he could see himself marrying her... even though we talked about having kids jokingly at one point, when we were friends (I never had sex or physical relations with him).... he says that maybe things will be different in a few years... to call him if I need help with stuff...

they eventually break up a year or so later, I find out...

 

We stop talking for about a year or two... I called him a few instances to wish him a happy graduation, happy birthday, etc., but on my last call, I don't get a call back... several months later in '06 he tells me he was sorry he was so busy & couldn't get back to me, and to please talk to him... the email was a bit desperate and he emailed a few times when I did not respond...

 

I finally did respond, telling him very kindly that I did not want any drama... and to please just leave me be, it was a pretty long email... he was really emotional at first.... but then said he respected me, and that was that...

 

Fast forward a year later... last summer, 2007... I start dating someone, but then I contact him saying I want to meet, I miss his friendship or something, I don't know, I realize I miss him in general...

He enthusiastically responds... we are supposed to meet, he pursues me... we joke & it is like old times... he makes sure that we can meet but I pull out last minute... I feel bad, because I think I will start liking him again, and that would be untrue to my then-current b/f.... especially since he said he wants to give me something, a present... I could not take a present from a guy other than my b/f... we were talking for 4 months or so, until I sort of hinted I was dating someone... then he stopped talking to me.

 

Fast forward a few months... winter '07... I shoot him an email asking what's up... he is very cold and terse. We stop talking again for a few months... then I email him a very short email...

soon afterwards, he wishes me a happy V-day though, asks about my b/f....I tell him we're no longer together (we had broken up in late fall '07)... we make plans to meet in late spring... he said he really wanted to see me in person to give me a present... he sounded very nervous... turns out he was very busy in May or had something to do, we couldn't meet....

 

Called him, we talked for a good bit, it was nice, talked about our families, etc, he said he can come visit me (I live far away) and seemed very eager, I was very happy about that... we talked a bit by email, but then suddenly he drops contact... have not heard from him since... been a few weeks or so... he usually responds right away to me... I asked him if he's ok... still no response...

 

I am wondering what's going on... it seemed like he was romantically interested, especially with the present thing... and saying I could choose him as my Valentine, etc... is that just what friends say? he seemed nervous when talking to me now and then... we rarely talk on phone... I don't know what to make of this.... don't know if he is dating someone else now.... really want to meet him, really want him to come see me, but I don't want to be pushy... I don't know why I'm thinking of this so much, but it's sort of bothering me... if he was really into me, wouldn't he reply right away, or make some decent effort to let me know he was very busy?

 

Or is he dating someone else? I don't want to come right out and ask him this... I at least want to meet him first... but this means I'd prob have to call him & let him know when I'm free (I told him I'm very busy this summer but can call him when I have a free wknd, he said to please do so)... he said we'd be in touch... and we were, but now, like I said above-- no response from him in a few weeks... does it seem like he's pulling away or is not interested anymore...? Is he afraid to pursue me anymore, b/c he fears the same thing would happen again, that I'm dating someone else (I'm not dating anyone right now)? Anyone have some experience or insight with this? thanks a bunch... xo

[stillafool]

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but it seems you have been a bit wishy washy with him in the past and I don't think he is taking you too seriously now. It would seem to me that you were playing games.

[TFK84]

Thanks for your reply... I appreciate the honesty... He's called me a player in the past, even though I'm not... I just want to be careful I don't get hurt, that's why I may appear wishy-washy...

 

in your opinion... how do I show him I am actually serious about him, without being pushy?

[Mary3]

Thanks for your reply... I appreciate the honesty... He's called me a player in the past, even though I'm not... I just want to be careful I don't get hurt, that's why I may appear wishy-washy...

 

in your opinion... how do I show him I am actually serious about him, without being pushy?

 

You could write him a long letter describing everything you have been going through but it sounds like he does not trust you with his heart.

 

Why all the antics ?

[TFK84]

I broke down before & told him in person I liked him very much, several years ago, but that happened to be when he was in a relationship.

 

I don't know how to earn his trust again. I want to call him, but I don't know if it's the man thing right now, where men just want their space.... he ignored my earlier emails, all of a sudden with no reason... I mean it sounded like we were back on good terms, I don't know if he just needs his space, and I don't want to push it.

 

I feel like I have two options... either wait it out a few weeks & then call him... or just to wait for him to "come out of his shell" and talk to me, if he still wants to... I heard men like to go in 'their cave' for a while & not want to have anything to do w/ anyone sometime. So I don't want to keep intruding by calling, etc.

 

Especially since I feel like he still gets a lot of attention from other females. I don't want to be just another pushy female in his life... some part of me feels to wait until he comes to me. I'm not sure.

[stillafool]

I think at this point you can't afford to just sit around and wait. He probably hasn't taken you seriously because of your past behavior. At this point you need to put the games (and your pride) to the side and tell him how you feel and what you want. Then act quickly on it.

[Mary3]

I would get him a really cool plant ( or something you know he digs ) and attach a note that you really do like him and want to start over.

 

What guy is going to refuse a friendly gesture ?

 

Unless its too late. But I say open up clean , tell him you want to talk with no interuptions and then he is going to tell you whether he wants anything further to do with you.

[TFK84]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply with thoughtful answers. I really appreciate it. I am going to pray on it & try to call. xo

[TFK84]

So I called him & we had a nice talk, casual... I asked him if he could come see me in my city, and he said he has a class starting soon & would let me know for sure in a few days... he called back when he said he would, which I appreciate, and told me that he doesn't think he can actually come...

 

I go to a school very far away from where he lives... my family is near where he lives though... so he said to please let me know when I'm back in town... hopefully the end of August he said things may be better...

 

But when he called back I was tied up & was very brief with him & casual and dismissal, not showing that I was sad or disappointed he couldn't come... I brushed it off & said that I understand, ok & bye very curtly but politely...

 

I felt bad for being so quick with him so I called & left a voice msg explaining I was busy, and thanking him for calling back... and sorry we couldn't get together... and good luck with his class... he is applying to grad schools... he joked around to come over where I am, but I was so surprised I didn't know what to say... then he said he may want to just stick to schools around his family's home...

 

Would it be nice or too pushy to call him back, again, in addition to the voice mail I just left him? To clarify that I didn't mean to be too brief... I told him to call me back in the Voice Message so we can catch up... I don't want to seem insensitive.. what do you think? Thanks again for your time... I really do appreciate it...!

[Mary3]

Its almost like you are afraid once you get close , so you act casual. This confusing behavior is making him unsure...

[TFK84]

Wow, I never realized that. Thanks for your insight. That makes a lot of sense. I should be more consistent. I really do want to call him to clarify I didn't mean to be so brief...

 

I was really on the bus in the middle of talking to a friend, when he called. I apologized in a voice message... I don't want to be pushy & call again... for some reason, I hate the idea of pushy girls... I don't want to impose on him. But it's a clear way to show him I care... without being freaky or anything... right?

[Mary3]

Wow, I never realized that. Thanks for your insight. That makes a lot of sense. I should be more consistent. I really do want to call him to clarify I didn't mean to be so brief...

 

I was really on the bus in the middle of talking to a friend, when he called. I apologized in a voice message... I don't want to be pushy & call again... for some reason, I hate the idea of pushy girls... I don't want to impose on him. But it's a clear way to show him I care... without being freaky or anything... right?

 

I want you to do the * opposite * of what you believe for one week.

 

Pushy is 10 phone calls a day. Pushy is showing up on his doorstep . Pushy is telling him what to do.

 

* Interested * means doing the right things....Don't worry about running him off , because you basically have shown thus far , that he's not that important. Change that asap if you want something more with this guy..

[TFK84]

That is good advice. You're a blessing. Thanks for taking the time to reply! I am just praying everything works out & I am trying to be true to myself & my feelings this time. Best regards!