Far Behind Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 A friend fixed me up with this guy and we went out Saturday and had a great time. Mutual chemistry; got a little buzzed and making out, but nothing more than that. I happen to have herpes and told him because I figure get it out there sooner than later so he can bale if he chooses. He was totally cool about it, has an ex-gf that had it, too. Anyway, we spoke on the phone Sunday and last night, and are planning to see each other tonight. Guess I have a couple of questions, because I am relatively new back at this. I got hurt very badly by someone and just out of my depression/funk and feeling like myself again. I would eventually like to be in a relationship again. Is it a fair question on a second date to ask what someone is hoping to get out of something? I mean I don't want to suggest that a relationship will be with this guy because we have just met, and I definitely don't want to scare him off. How soon is too soon to be intimate with someone? We are not kids; he's in his mid-40s, I just turned 50. We have both been out of our marriages the same amount of time. The thing is, I just don't want to screw this up. I had fun with him the other night, and we talked on the phone last night for an hour and a half and that was fun, too. Any advice, you guys?
Jilly Bean Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 DO NOT ask a man on a second date what his intentions are, unless you want to see his tail lights. Love is a risk. If you want to find it, you have to be willing to risk the hurt. Just go with the flow, and stop trying to control the outcome so soon. If you don't, you will surely sabotage this with your insecurity.
notgoodatthis Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 A friend fixed me up with this guy and we went out Saturday and had a great time. Mutual chemistry; got a little buzzed and making out, but nothing more than that. I happen to have herpes and told him because I figure get it out there sooner than later so he can bale if he chooses. He was totally cool about it, has an ex-gf that had it, too. Anyway, we spoke on the phone Sunday and last night, and are planning to see each other tonight. Guess I have a couple of questions, because I am relatively new back at this. I got hurt very badly by someone and just out of my depression/funk and feeling like myself again. I would eventually like to be in a relationship again. Is it a fair question on a second date to ask what someone is hoping to get out of something? I mean I don't want to suggest that a relationship will be with this guy because we have just met, and I definitely don't want to scare him off. How soon is too soon to be intimate with someone? We are not kids; he's in his mid-40s, I just turned 50. We have both been out of our marriages the same amount of time. The thing is, I just don't want to screw this up. I had fun with him the other night, and we talked on the phone last night for an hour and a half and that was fun, too. Any advice, you guys? Hi, I feel weird about herpes. I am educated and have done lots of research about it but i would probably bail if she told me she had it. Mainly it's because I like to go down on women and I hate condoms. I'm not freaked out about herpes but I just dont' want to sacrifice the things i love about intercourse.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I think it's best to let things take it's course. Talking about it would send up raise red flags in his direction. Play it cool, and try to see whether there is more chemistry.
Author Far Behind Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Hi, I feel weird about herpes. I am educated and have done lots of research about it but i would probably bail if she told me she had it. Mainly it's because I like to go down on women and I hate condoms. I'm not freaked out about herpes but I just dont' want to sacrifice the things i love about intercourse. Yeah, I certainly respect your thoughts on this, which is why I decided to say it sooner rather than later; didn't want to wait to have any emotional investment and then spring it. I agree, condoms suck. I'm very fortunate because where I get it is on my butt, not vaginally, but still one has to always be careful. My ex-husband of 15 years never got it from me, and we never used a condom, and he LOVED to go down. I take valtrex daily. As it stands, we have not seen each other since last weekend, though we have spoken on the phone a couple of times. I have no expectations, but I would like to see him again. Jilly...your words touched home, because I DO have insecurities and trying really really hard to overcome them. I don't want to control the outsome at all. I want to do exactly what you wrote, which is go with the flow...and I want to have fun. If more happens along the way, cool! If not, it just wasn't meant to be. Xpaper...definitely hoping to avoid sending any red flags. We'll see what happens!
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 FB - FWIW, it's a lot easier for me to preach to you how to behave, but letting go of love control is a constant struggle for me. I WISH I could just ask a guy on date one if he planned on hurting me, falling in love with me, or something in between. Obviously even hinting in this direction is enough to make a guy bolt. I have cured his urge by repeating to myself that me seeking to control the outcome will only serve the purpose to sabotage things, and that even if I am worried about being vulnerable or being hurt, that I have to just deal with that on my own time, and NOT involve the guy. It takes practice, but you can do it!
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